phase 2: goggle switch

i felt the change. i felt guilty whenever it would creep up on me but i couldnt deny those pangs. those moments of being side by side, looking over and saying "i hate you" in my head. its like a flash of dees face took over mine ala fight club. exactly what i didnt want to happen but also relieved it did. especially after talking with jiller. obv. it was normal but still. i hate it... and him, sometimes. ah, the fantasy has worn off with the love goggles and the reality has set in with the hate goggles.
its funny. there are times when i catch myself collecting a mental arsenal of shit to throw at him IF we should break up. ugh. another sign of the switch. with the love goggles, the thought of breaking up brought me to tears, now im making a "why you suck" list to spit back in his face should that even/ever happen.
im totally noticing things that i need to work on with him. like jiller said, i have the power. i just need to use it. but there are other things that worry me. a possibility that my "power" might not be able to change it. i know this relationship is a learning experience about me. about what i want. and i guess my biggest fear is the possibility that he may not be able to be that way, to be what i want.
is that phase 3? off with the hate goggles and on with the thinking cap. to decide if hes a keeper or if i want and deserve more? ew. you know i hate making decisions. will i ever get to phase 3? hopefully if i do, ill be able to make my decision on my own and without the pressures of conformity. i think ill be ok. ive been watching my friends get engaged and married left and right and i dont have not even an inkling of jealousy. i just hope that feeling stays with me when i get to phase 3.
the thing is, i may be forced into phase 3 sooner than id want. my man is thinking about a move to cali. the left coast. its not a definite decision yet but it is a definite possibility. such a big decision. im just glad we both have a crazy fantastic vacation to go to first before doing any heavy thinking :)

facebook is my new crack

seriously. damn you jamie! i tried to fight the facebook bandwagon but i ended up on it instead. it started out as just a college kid thing and ew, i think it started after i left college. so ew, idve been an old fogie if i joined when it first came out. so obv, i didnt. then facebook became bigger, so big in fact, that people would jokingly say, "even my moms on facebook." and even though they would say it in a comical tone, you knew that the statement was true. now its all the rage hence it being cool enough for moi to be on. i think it was a combo of jamies urging (aka nagging), knowing that a bunch of work peeps would be on it, the fact that facebook looks for your friends for you (bc im a lazy b.i. and hate looking for friends), and myspace and friendster werent cutting in the "what to do during work when not working" category. so now im on it and literally on it like almost every hour. the first 24 hours were fantastic bc your number of friends would grow so quickly. its like, im so popular and i dont even have to try. im still trying to figure out how to pimp my profile although i never really bothered with myspace where even the most computer illiterate morons have sparkly backgrounds and dumb hos prancing across the screen. besides, i love any new tool that helps me stalk. ah, my hs days are rushing back to me. stalking can be fun. especially if you have a crush. ive tried googling my hs crush but hes like nowhere to be found on the 'net. hes either really private or still really scared of me. jk. at least i hope its a jk sitch. hmmmm, i dont think ive tried facebook'ing him. oooh, a reason to sign back on. i guess my bf is lucky hes anti-social networking even its ironic bc i met him through an online service (some people can be so oxymoronic). bc i would stalk and be paranoid. ok, maybe its lucky me that hes not on facebook, myspace, or friendster. my jealousy and suspiciousness would drive me so loca that even jill r wouldnt be able to help me. anyway, so if youre ever wondering what im doing, odds are good that im on facebook. damn crackass addiction.

got munk'd

found this on ads blog. too funny.

2007 - sexy single to totally taken

whoa. so i guess my mind is like clockwork. or maybe its just a huge coincidence but since i have a few free moments today, i decided to do my annual look back/resolutions post. first thing i did was check out what i wrote about 2006. the 'whoa' comes from the fact that i wrote it on tuesday, 12/5/06 and today is tuesday 12/4/07. almost a year to date. nuts! for 2006 i basically recapped the resolutions i had for that year but since i never wrote any resolutions for 2007, im going about this a whole new way. basically gonna give you a quick recap, month by month. im sure youre excited. ill link to some of my (and possibly your) fave posts of the year.

• january - besides the usual beginning of the year bdays (jamie, le join, adam +1 month, marla, the phj) this january started out with an almost best vacation ever (title is still held by spring break '06 with jamie). the disney weekend (oh yeah and the carey wedding too!) with jiller, jamie and gayle really was the best way ive ever started a year. the trip produced memorable quotes and a newfound (non) appreciation for florida and the disney institute.
• february - prompted by my upcoming cruise with lori (which i have never blogged about for numerous reasons) i finally bowed down to the techno-conformity and got myself an ipod. thats about it. it was also the btjs bday but since we were still in no title land (hence calling him btj) i just got him a card that sang "lets spend the night together" by the stones. subtle... i am not.
• march - looking back on the posts that month, march was pretty rough. tough times with le join at our apt and the veil i had over my eyes about my sitch with the btj was beginning to fall off. i tested my feelings by putting myself in a weird sitch but ultimately ended up realizing what an awesome person i am!
• april - started with a flood of frightened tears but ended up with a dance on the clouds. yes, this is when the btj became the bf! it only took me 8 months to finally put my foot down. to take a risk. i wont even gamble on 50 cent slot machines so to put all my feelings out there and geniunely not knowing if theyd be reciprocated was the riskiest and most rewarding thing ive ever done for myself. truly truly a remarkable month.
• may - my money sitch, not the greatest but theres always balance in life. bad side: no money. good side: po fo sho diet makes me look rockin! plus, since the bf is truly now my bf, time to meet the fam. well his anyway. mine takes a little more time and a lot more caution. a lot. but his fam pretty much welcomed me with open arms and even invited me to their annual beginning of the summer party.
• june - time of love clouds and reality checks. after dancing around those 3 words for a few weeks, my man finally said i love you. then i got a new job that paid much more $$$. like i said before, life has goods and bads. the bad was the news of dee and her thyroid cancer. oh yeah, the lb also met my fam. eh. the reception was not as warm as the one i received from his fam but what do you expect. my fam is many things but easy is not one of them.
• july - main part of this month was burg'n it. my mans move to the billyburg. the move was pretty rough, especially bc everything was done in one weekend. and the adjustments were a lil nuts too (2 weeks without tv!). like any month, there were some highs: american apparel surprise and some lows: probs with le join but thankfully those lows worked themselves out. i also started my new job but if it were amazing i wouldve written about it... and i didnt.
• august - family drama. my fams feelings about my bf started to leak or explode out to me and even affected the way i thought about him. well it was a combo of that and pms. but my true feelings stood strong and still do. besides, my fam drama seemed ridiculous (maybe bc it usually is) compared to what my mans fam went through at the end of the month. ah. jewish education pt 1 came to me via a shabbat dinner followed by a shiva call. the dinner with his grandparents was lovely and the shiva call was actually pretty cool too. i got to learn where my man came from and made me fall in love with him that much more. ew. im nauseating myself.
• september - jewish education pt 2. and surprisingly, i didnt write about it. the new year is the biggest and most important holiday for the jews so naturally i accepted the invites for the rosh hashanah dinner and yom kippur break fast from the bfs fam and fam friends. but the month started off with my mans 'rents end of the summer party, complete with the a team. ah. the shrimp. i still dream about it. since this month will look weird without a link, here is the one post i did write in september. my bday wishlist. oh yeah, and by the end of september, i gave in my two weeks at my "new" job to go back to my "old" company. gotta do what makes you happy.
• october - after a bd about the usps this month was actually pretty normal. i (ok we aka the lb and i) started to divide our time between his apt in bk and mine in nyc (mostly bc le join was kind and cool enough to split her time between our apt and syo). ive learned i can be domestic and actually like it. oh yeah, this month is also when i received my first ever flowers. and they were from someone i love. how perfect.
• november - ah the fun part of domesticity was last month. this month was how the lil quirks that i thought were cute about my man slowly started to turn into lil annoyances. bah. ah, but the big moment of this month (and prolly most shocking and embarassing of the year) was when the l train beat my face. thanksgiving was a lil trying and surprisingly not bc of my fam (even if le join and dee were fighting). ah, the lb tested the limits and i hate that he even tested himself. of course my trust in him was shaken but i try to look at the good points in everything and well the good that came out of this was that i trained my man how to think and NOT get in those sitchs. such a dog sometimes.
• december - its only the 4th but seriously, time is flying by. ive got hanukah to celebrate with my man and his fam tonight. then work events galore (so looking forward to making my own pair of kicks at nike id), a bday here and there (adam and jennie) but what im looking forward to the most is my trip to the lbs parents villa in anguilla. sun, fun, food, and its all free!

this year is significant bc of many reasons. its the 1st full year living in the city. its the 1st year with my 1st bf. its the first year i had 3 jobs and went up $15k in salary. cuh-razy. what will next year bring? i dont know but i do know that ill be finishing this year with the man i love... in paradise. now thats good karma :)