left out... in the hot sun

i mentioned that my man and i went to a bday party for his 1 year old cousin charlotte back in february. well at the party was his 5 year old cousin frida who was sitting in the corner on her daddys lap bc she was illin. ive only met frida once before and well, she was the most pleasant little girl. from what ive heard, shes just a bossy lil thing who always gets her way even though her parents are the chillest people ever. ah, so as we saw frida curled up all sick and quiet, my man and i looked at each other and we knew we were both thinking the same thing: homegirl is frontin. she knew the attention would be on charlotte, not her, so she did what she thought would reel in some attention her way, she played the sick card.

who knows. maybe she really did have a fever. its just an assumption that my bf and i came up with. but this past weekend, the weekend of jordys wedding, i had a feeling our assumption may have been right. why? bc i started to feel the same way as frida. no, i didnt pretend i was sick, but i did feel left out... a lot. and when i started to feel that way, i started to get pissy and so i did what i always do, i left. ah, did i mention frida has the same bday as me? maybe its an oct scorpio thing. anyway, although i had a great time, the happy feeling that i had didnt last too long. ah, maybe its a "kitty has a nosebleed" thing.

maybe i was feeling blue bc i had high expectations for this weekend and they werent met. i knew i would be missing out on some stuff bc i wasnt staying at the hotel with the rest of the guests, but i figured whenever i would pop in, it would be easy breezy fun times. i couldnt wait to meet up with the girls. i guess my excitement was bigger than theirs to see me. its probably my fault. i never keep in touch with people. why is it so much easier for the bf, who doesnt really know anyone at the wedding, to talk to people than me, who has known a bunch of these girls for over a decade? i almost felt like there was some shit talkin about me when i wasnt there. or maybe there wasnt. bc im not important enough to talk about. anyway, feeling left out sucks.

what also made me feel like an outsider was my not having a camera. ive been wanting a digital camera for years and just like the ipod, with all my pleading and begging, i will eventually have to get one myself. ah. so while everyone was taking silly pics of themselves, i sat and watched. but then there were times where i felt that even if i did have a camera, everyone would just get annoyed when i would want a pic so my camera would be filled with just pics of me and my man. now dont get me wrong, i would love that. i still think we need more pics of ourselves, but i really did want to join in on the girly fun.

the girls at this wedding are not my primary group of girls but they are the girls ive known the longest (since middle school). i like seeing them bc every moment is a dramatic/comedic scene and well, we're bitches. everyone is gross and we'll tell you why. jamie and mikes wedding will have a different group of girls. itll be my homegirls. the primary group. we're fun too but in a cheesier way. yeah, we make fun of people too but its not as brash or nasty. hmmm, maybe im just mean bitch. whichever group i hang with, we're making fun of someone else.

or will i be a bitch who ends up alone? i noticed during dinner a few weeks ago with jamie and her bridesmaids that i didnt speak much and i left a lil pissed and angry bc i was thinking about my financial sitch. i spoke to jamie today and well, she made me feel better. i had feelings this morning that i would feel left out again at jamies wedding but our call this afternoon literally made those feelings go away.

its funny bc when i was upset this weekend, my bf asked me why and i told him it was bc i was feeling left out. then he said, well maybe you should call the girls more often. ah, if only the jiller wouldve heard that. she wouldve been like, see i told you so. i wonder why its so hard for me to pick up the phone. i always feel like i need a reason to and if i dont have a reason, i feel silly for calling. but again with jamie, i called her this weekend just to say hello and the happy tone in her voice made me feel better. so maybe i should pick up the phone more often.

i do remember a time when i felt so vip and i hope that feeling comes back to me soon. im hoping my awkwardness goes away for amys bat mitzvah this weekend. mazel tov! oh yeah, and ive been contemplating about converting. for real. i even googled it this morning. i know i need to do more reading before i make my final decision. im just scared though. ive already gotten some bad reactions from people (including close friends) about this which just discouraged me. but i guess my heart is really for it bc even with those discouraging words, im still curious about it.

im so glad i have my bf while i feel like an outsider. he makes me feel wanted which is just what i need and want. as they say in jewish weddings: he is my beloved and my beloved is mine.

10 years

in june, it will be 10 years since i graduated from hs. ew. what a way to feel old, eh? im pretty sure my class will not be having a reunion. please. we didnt have a junior prom or a senior class trip (although most of our class went to the bahamas during spring break) bc not enough people wanted to participate, so i highly doubt that anyone i graduated with will be jumping at the chance to pull a reunion together. besides, in todays day and age, who needs a reunion to see how those nasty bitches are doing when we got the internet. man, i love cyber-stalking.

my new fun stalking tool is weddingchannel.com. bc as much as i hate to admit it, most of the people my age are either married or about to get hitched. weve come to an age when the number of marrieds starts to get bigger than the number of singles. maybe its bc ive grown up a bit, or maybe its bc i have a bf, but im actually not panicking. usually when i feel like im behind in this game called life, i panic and feel like im slow and stupid. like when i was out of college with no job, totally felt like a loser.

not so. at least not now. now when i find out someones married or even with a kid (please, im from li. we dont do the irish twin thing) im not jealous but shocked like whoa, shes married... and with child! am i immature? although i think babies are adorable, the thought of having one myself right now gives me the heebie jeebies. scary!

so i feel pretty ok about myself. sure im "homeless" but at least im not living with my parents. i know i wrote something about the big 3 a while ago but i cant find that post. when i wrote that post, i only had 1 out of 3. but now ive got 3 out of 3. what are the 3 you ask?

1. job - ive only got a kickin one that takes me to nike id and fun restaurants during the holidays and on a party bus to the borgata on other random nights. yeah with this one, i kill this category.
2. digs - not only am i out of my parents house, but i own my own apt. true, i only spend maybe half my time there and use almost all my money on it but its mine.
3. the other half - finally! i got the bf... and i actually like him! i hope when people see us, they see two happy silly crazy people bc thats who we are.

maybe thats why my jealous bone doesnt get hit when i read about yet another whos married. im happy with where i am with my life. i dont feel like im behind and i definitely do NOT feel like a loser. nice guys finish last and we all know i was never that nice ;)

and so he knows

i did it peeps. against many many peoples advice i did it. i told the bf about the blog. and he read the blog. and well, i cant say it was all rainbows and pots of gold after that. it was definitely a strange strange trip. after some hurt feelings and tears, weve decided to...

keep on writing! he just wont read it. and no. i wont start censoring what i say. even though this is a blog on the world wide web, i still consider this my journal. a journal cant be censored. its where you go to unleash, not suppress. so yeah. we survived the unveiling of the blog. and trust me, there were times where it felt like that ep of satc where carrie goes to cali for her bookreading (which turned into an opening act for a dog) and all she wants to do is bone mr big but all he wants to do is go over the book and ask if he really was such an asshole. yeah, it felt like that except without the laughs. yeah, my version wasnt as funny.

it started thursday night on our way to my apt from his. i dont know why but my urge to tell him about the blog was bigger than usual so i blurted it out. he of course was curious and wanted to read this. so he did. timing was so bad. bc it was a thursday night. lost! and americas best dance crew! but who could watch and concentrate when the bf is reading! so he read, and i got nauseous. then he got nauseous. then then, its a blur.

the next day my man had the day off so he stayed and finished reading and started to get... angry, upset, hurt. thankfully, there wasnt much work to do at the office bc if there was, i wouldntve been able to do any of it. i felt sick at the fact that i hurt my mans feelings. could.not.concentrate. luckily, i also got out of work early so i rushed home to talk with my man face to face. bottom line, he was mostly upset bc he felt like i was hiding something from him. he didnt know i had this side to me. then i started bawling bc i realized that that was one of my biggest fears. i didnt want him to look at me like a jekyll and hyde. that i put up a happy nice girl front for him but then i write online and become this big mean bitter bitch.

thankfully, that wasnt the case. my man said that i write really well and that he probably wouldve enjoyed reading it that much more if the subject wasnt him. he felt that he sounds like an asshole at times but there were other times when he felt awesome and really happy. he could understand my friends concern about his knowing about this blog bc he can see why they like reading this so much. oh yeah, he also mentioned that if he ever met the phj or the crush from hs i used to call god that he would punch them in the face.

so my man gave me his blessing and told me to continue writing especially since it makes me feel good. we also agreed on me telling him when somethings bothering me rather than just venting on this here blog. ill guess ill just have to write recaps instead of rants now. my man and me. survived a "secret" blog. no. more. secrets! i feel refreshed :)

homeless

right before i started writing this, i had a bunch of woulda coulda shouldas flash through my head. it was practically a series of scenes running through my mind ala sliding doors. what if i just waited a few more months. what if i put my foot down and said, i dont care im renting and thats it. what if i did it on my own so that my family could in no way follow me. but really, whats the point of all the what ifs. i cant go back in time and change my decisions. crap, even if i could go back in time all i could do is just watch myself make the same "mistakes" again (well thats how time traveling was described in that book the time travelers wife - i read it a few months ago and although slow in the beginning, the book gets really really good).

ive noticed that when my funds get low, i tend to step back and look at my life and how im living right now. true, i cant complain too much. i truly love my job, i still amazingly have great friends, and i have a relationship with my bf that i never wouldve imagined could be so fun and awesome. but the downside of my life is where im living. i have keys to two apts yet i feel like neither is really my home. the comfort levels in each place vary in different degrees and areas. its like i live a split life but i dont identify with either or. i find myself daydreaming like i used to do when i was still living with my parents. dreaming of the day when i have a place of my own.

the apt i share with my sister still feels like a really expensive hotel room to me. to be courteous, i plan and coordinate when ill be there with my sister. she actually wants me to stay at the apt more often and i can but i know she'd rather have me stay more alone as opposed to with my bf. but i love spending time with my bf. we're like siamese twins, its nauseating yet comfortable at the same time. even when i do stay at the apt with the bf (le join has been really cool and actually goes back to li on her days off so we can have the apt to ourselves) i find myself being a cleaning lady. always tidying up so that the place isnt trashed when le join gets back. i like staying at the apt bc i get to cook and be domestic. plus, its where most of my clothes are (although i really do wear the same 3 outfits over and over again) and i get to watch all my fave shows on my dvr, which i pay for all on my own. its nice to actually use the stuff that most of my money pays for. to reap the benefits that leave me po fo sho every month.

strangely i caught myself calling my bfs apt my apt. it was weird but that is where i spend most of my time and where i feel most comfortable. its funny bc growing up, my parents always said that i shouldnt sleepover other peoples places a lot. they frowned upon sleepovers bc they thought staying over at a friends place is just a bad habit to create and have. yet as i grew older, i found myself getting really attached to certains friends houses and practically made them my home. jamies apt on 30th st aka the peach pit really did become my home away from home. maybe its bc i really didnt like my home at the time. and now, im doing the same thing with my bfs apt. ive really made myself at home there. true, the sitch is a bit different now, im sleeping with the person who actually lives in the apt, but the comfort is about the same.

i do feel more comfortable at my bfs apt bc i can walk around naked and keep the place as messy as i and he wants it to be. i can go to bed at whatever hour i want and come and go as i please (hooray for the key!). ive even reached the fart in front of him comfort level. yeah. you know thats huge. so yeah, i can even fart and burp without holding back. and yes, he still loves me. we compete with each other in laziness, currently i am the reigning champ! the downfall, tv. we both love watching tv but our tastes in tv shows differ like night and day.

at first, it wasnt a big deal bc im an easy going gal and honestly, his shows didnt bug me that much. if anything, i watched them with an open mind. i figured this is an opportunity to watch something i normally wouldnt watch. although most of the shows i probably wouldnt watch on my own (nature shows, wrassling, bill maher) there are a few diamonds in the rough that im glad i found (yeah naruto!)and which ultimately makes me a cool ass chica for not just knowing about but actually liking too (go ninja warrior! american gladiators is for wussies.). when it comes to my shows, my bf is not as open minded. id say hes a stubborn bastard about it but he has opened his mind a bit. ok, more like left it open ajar, enough to fit a credit card. but trust me, its way better than it was before, shut tight and bolt locked.

the process began at my apt bc hey, its my apt! its my dvr! im watching what i wanna watch. so i would watch and he would be sitting at his computer with headphones on watching, what else, naruto. the thing is, my laughter is damn contagious. so when i would laugh, he couldnt help but turn around to see what i was watching. then i would sneakily start recording some of my shows on his dvr (hehe, sneaky korean!). so far, ive gotten him to sit through and watch americas best dance crew, how i met your mother and lost.

idol is touchy. ive eased him into it but we never watch it on real time. if anything, we watch it after the results show has aired. the thing is, i knew i would be able to get him to watch idol bc i watch it the exact same way he would. i basically fast foward through the usual idol bs, get to the contestant, listen to a few notes, if its bad, i fast forward, if its ok i listen through to the chorus, if its rockin i wait til the bust out they usually do towards the end of the song. depending on the contestant, ill listen to the judges but i always always fast forward as soon as ryan seacrest comes on. i still dont know what purpose he serves on that show other than to annoy the crap outta me and simon. god bless simon. in my own custom made idol show it would be just the contestants and simon and simon can cut the contestant off at any point he chooses. but whatever. thats what dvr is for :)

ironically, the only place i feel is truly my own is my cube at work. yeah sure, im using the companys computer, desk, shelves, supplies, but this area is still mine. no one else can sit here but me. i even have a fun name tag to prove it. the decorations in my cube are all me too. pics of my friends, bf, doggies, and fave celeb hotties. i know where everything is and i can keep is as messy or organized as i want. plus, i do spend the majority of my time here. so i guess in a way, my cube is my home. but in another way, it totally isnt. home is where you go to get away from work. and although i grunt when i wake up in the morning to get to work and cant wait to leave at the end of the day, i do feel "at home" whenever i sit in my cube. bc its mine. and no one elses.

maybe im feeling homeless so i can hide from my real fear, growing up. with the way things are going, my bf could very well become my next roomie. and well, you dont live with your bf if youre not gonna end up married. especially at my age. maybe im in this sitch now bc im not ready for all those huge steps yet. maybe its just fate taking its course. thats how fate works. it doesnt give you what you want as soon as you want it but when youre ultimately ready for it. so ill just keep on living my dual residence/homeless life. work hard, love hard, live well. ill let fate put things into place. in the meantime, ill have my mini bd's oh about once a month.

special mention - very strange engagement gift edition:
SNOWMAN! the original blogger.

americas best new show

so ive got a new show that i absolutely love! serio. i got hooked a few weeks ago when i called in sick for cramps (i know, who am i? jamie in hs?). so as i was getting ready to leave my mans pad to be crampalicious at my own apt, i caught an ep and couldnt leave the couch. ok ok ok, i know youre gonna laugh when i reveal the name of this show but please, finish this post before unleashing your laughter... the show is: randy jackson presents americas best dance crew. i know. this totally falls under the same category as laguna beach, the hills, even 2gether! yes, it was a show i vowed to protest only to get sucked in during a random showing at a random hour on a random day.

so as i watched in amazement, i knew i had to eventually get up off the couch and leave so i recorded the show and left my mans pad. when i got back to my apt, i saw my sis and told her about my newfound love of this show. she, of course, laughed in my face and shook her head mumbling, who is my sister. ha! well i was the last one laughing bc a few days later le join calls me saying she caught a late night ep of the show and yes, it amazed her too and she is now a fan. booya! well, when i finally returned to my bfs pad later that night, i told him i had to finish watching americas best dance crew (lets call it abdc bc that name is way too long!). in my own amazement, even my man didnt shut this off or shudder in fear and/or disgust like he usually does with my shows. ah! progress or just plain awesomeness?

anyway, i usually fast forward through the judges comments bc ive seen many a dancing shows in my day (so you think you can dance, dancing with the stars) and the judges either try to show off their dance knowledge or try to be super nice and shield the contestants from any embarassment. but this show is on mtv and like many game shows on mtv (like say what karaoke: whatever happened to that show?) the judges are just fluffy filler in between acts. well, i think the judges are a part of the reason why this show is so good and they actually kinda resemble another judging trio who i think set the bar for all other judges... you guessed it, american idol! let the comparisions begin!

• the one who repeatedly uses the same ghetto term
  american idol - randy jackson fave ghetto term - you my dawg!
  abdc - shane sparks fave ghetto term - you murdered it!
  who are they and what do they do - on idol randy is the american music producer who is a mix of nasty truth telling simon and ditzy/drunk paula. on dance crew, randy is the exec producer. shane sparks has been a judge on so you think you can dance and is a renouned choreographer. so you would think he would fill the simon role on dance crew but nah, hes more like randy. he compliments the dance groups and gives them criticism in the most constructive way. shane is my fave judge on abdc.
• the lil ladies
  american idol - paula abdul
  abdc - lil mama
  who are they and what do they do - on idol, paula is he sole female sitting between randy and simon. she plays the nice judge role bc she really cant be mean to any of the contestants. maybe its her big heart or (probably) her red cup of whoknowswhatkindadrugsareinthatthing. paula is the slurry comic relief. lil mama is also a nice mama but she takes her role a bit more seriously than paula does. oh yeah, if you dont know who lil mama is shes a rapper of some sort. i dont really know her music but i do dig her remix of avrils boyfriend (lil mama and avril lavigne REMIX!). unlike paula, lil mama does give some constructive crticism but always pairs it up with compliments.
• the meanies
  american idol - simon cowell (duh!)
  abdc - jc chasez
  who are they and what they do - simon is the only judge who matters on idol. plus, does anyone really know what he did before idol? anyway, simon tells it like it is and hes even more fun to listen to bc he has a british accent. you can tell me to fuck off in a british accent and id still prolly swoon and then pounce you. damn accents! jc chasez is a bitter bitter man. im sure the rest of nsync is bitter too since mr timberlake became larger than the group itself but damn! jc is b.i.t.t.e.r. bitter! even if a group kills it (like my man shane would say) jc always finds something to criticize. even when hes complimenting a group, its in such a lackluster tone. dude. your heyday has gone. deal with it and get over it.

yeah the judges are one of the reasons why i watch this show but obv the main reason is bc of the dance groups. there are some that are just damn ridiculous (not in a good way) like break sk8 and fysh n chicks. break sk8 is a bunch of guys from indiana who dance with roller skates. not blades, skates. they kick it old school. whatever. they piss me off bc this is a dance contest not a roller rink. go try out for roll bounce 2 and get off the abdc stage! fysh n chicks is a bunch of not so skinny girls. their thing is theyre not sell outs for wearing slutty clothes so they dance in baggy ones to cover their fat bods and bad dancing. whatever, i hope one of those two gets kicked off this week.

there are two groups that im rooting for. first up is jabbawockeez. i know. just from their name i wanted to barf but this is the group that got me hooked! i didnt like them at first bc of their name and their masks. from the get go i thought theyd be a cheesy mask wearing group but after hearing why they wear masks (so people can focus on their dancing as a whole instead of individuals) and seeing them move... damn! heres a vid of the perf that got me mesmerized. its to apologize, the slow song where timbaland sounds like wookie. anyway, sit back, press play and just be freakin amazed like i was:

the second group is kaba modern. off the bat i didnt have high hopes for them bc they were a bunch of asians from the oc. i know, self race hate much? this group proves that asians got rhythm and slick ass moves. i really believe the contest will end with deciding between these two groups. if it doesnt then itll be a travesty. kaba modern have been improving with each week. this vid clip is from the latest ep which had each group dance out a movie scene. kaba did a 2008 weird science type of thing. the nerdy guys created their hot cyber girls. this dance is to one of my current faves sensual seduction. watch and love people:

if i turned you onto this show, you can thank me later. if i didnt, im telling you, youre missing out! and if mtv's pr dept would like to hire me for some freelance work, im available :)