Tuesday, December 19, 2006

why didnt i stay?/why i didnt stay.

all the women. who independent. throw your hands up at meeee. independent woman. this weekend was about being just that... or at least trying to be. i was basically trying not to grab every single opportunity to see the btj. let a few just fly by. not that theres been anything wrong between us lately but too much of a good thing can be bad and well, i didnt want to start getting any emotional cavities from an overabundance of time spent with my sugarbear (its a cuter name than my friend). so this extended "weekend" im 2 for 2, saw him twice, "declined" twice.

its a no go
  • thursday - work last week was maddening and fattening. ok fine, just fattening. literally. had an extravagent meal with vendors and whatnot every night. after 3 straight days and nights spent with co-workers, one of the higher ups on our team decided to cancel our thursday night dinner. not that im complaining. free meals at places i could never afford - no complaints from me but after 3 straight nights of steak dinners, i felt like i had a whole cow in my body. i probably looked like it too. so i didnt mind that we were taking a break from being taken out. since dinner plans got canceled, i decided to see what the btj was upto. much to my surprise, he had one of his boys over to be vidiots with for a while. said i was more than welcome to come by. i decided not to go. sure i wanted to see him but enough to sit through xbox 360 time... not really. this was a no go fo sho.
im a ho, fo sho
  • friday - like clockwork, who calls me after work but el capitano btj himself. "thought you were gonna come through last night." i answered back, "vidiot time or shopping and dinner with the sister. i chose the latter." i chose other slices of my life to indulge in and im glad i did. i love bed bath and beyond, and oh yes, i definitely had time to go there. anyway, i had some time to kill before the hanukah grab bag at jamies and what better way to get to the party then with a worked up appetite. yes, i arrived there very very hungry. had a pretty stellar session with the btj. one of our best. of course afterwards, we headed to the couch and just watched a little tele. as we started a lil cuddling, he goes, "youre not starting to get feelings are you?" how tactful is he? mood killer much? luckily it was time to head over to m-hill as my belly was screaming for latkes.

its a no go

  • saturday - spent the day being a lazy bitch. i literally did not step outside until i left for my list of parties that night. saturday night was a fun night. it was a me and jiller night. a cheap single bitches night. we took the subway the whole night. i love saving money. especially on useless things like cabs when theres the m.t. and a. all over the city. what else did i like about the night. the way our presence brought happiness to others. i know adam was happy to see me and jiller even though we couldnt make it to his bday dinner. we still had celebratory drinks together at spice market. i had a fun fruity bubbly drink. then we headed to the village for cheryls bday. i know she really appreciated that jiller and i showed up. so what does this have to do with the btj? cheryls party was two doors away from his apt. i couldve easily called him and had a late night rendevous possibly followed by a lazy sunday but i didnt. the only person i dialed when i left the bar was le join, to let her know i was on my way home via subway so if she didnt see me within an hour, she should call the cops. besides, constant contact could make him think im starting to get feelings. we wouldnt want any of that. feelings=bad.
im a ho, fo sho
  • monday - yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, who do i receive an im from monday morn? btj. had a quick convo but it ended abruptly. i worked a kinda late night last night. til 7pm. had a nice surprise though as i was leaving the building. a voicemail and text message from the btj. had a long day of work, didnt really mind making my night a long one too. i went home to feed the dog and change and whathaveyou and then headed over to the village. we had a great time on his now lowered bed. hehe. we broke the bed frame last week ;) i even packed for a just in case i crash there type of night. when it got closer to midnight, i decided to leave and sleep in my own bed. i called le join when as i walking to the subway and she answered her phone, "so it was that bad?" and thats the thing. it wasnt. not at all. it was actually pretty good. really good. so why did i leave? did i really need to sleep in my own bed? did i leave to prevent myself from getting attached later? did i just want to play little mind tricks with the btj just like he does to me? make him wonder if i like him? or did i just give him what he wanted and let him have his whole bed to himself hence letting him have his cake and eat it too? did i leave letting him wish i stayed? i. hate. being. normal.

i always tell le join that my own crazy being is self defense in itself. i caught myself humming my drop it like its hot ringtone while waiting for the train last week. "doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooop. click click click clock clock. click click click clock clock." if i was standing next to me, i wouldve walked away, slowly. so im sure while i was waiting for my train last night and those "why did i leave?" questions were running through my head, i mustve been making crazy weird faces. sometimes i can express myself more with my facial expressions than i can with actual words. too bad my crazy faces dont give me answers to the questions that keep running through my mind. can anyone answer me?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


i love living in the city. get to do what i want, when i want. its awesome! there are certain times though, that make me rethink about my decision to live in a fancy schmancy condo with a crabby abby sister. i couldve rented an apt with a friend but the faj miraculously convinced me to buy instead of rent. sure, im paying a buttload more now then i would if i wouldve rented a place, but instead of "throwing my money away" im now investing. those big checks i write each month will come back to me in a few years. its cool. the money part didnt bother me too much, its the living with the sister part that made me think long and hard before i took the plunge.

sure, weve lived together before in la crazy casa but we thought the problems weve had were all bc of the crazy maj and faj. ok fine. i knew living with le join would be difficult. we're not exactly the same. although shes the younger one, shes always put me in a dumber younger irresponsible spotlight where as i would try to shine the biggest most supportive spotlight on her. ah, nice guys finish last and im definitely at the tail end.

is it wrong that i try to have my cake and eat it too? the main and biggest reason why i was so looking forward to living in nyc was that id be able to go out more. see my friends, my friends (ok fine, i only one of those but maybe the new year can make that a plural... or a single boyfriend), or even explore the city all on my own. anyway, i do know i have to take care of my shit first (responsibility) before i can go out and be that hot child in the city.

thats what i have been doing. taking care of my and other peoples crap too. i was a little offended when le joins friend stayed over this past weekend and basically told her gracious host that our apt was a slobby mess. bitch please! i wanna see your place. if its spotless its bc youre a loser with no friends. and i know my place is not a slobby mess. i know bc im the one cleaning the place. bitch. bitch. what a stupid bitch.

my anger is not towards that ugly bitch with the even uglier nose. no. im not like others where i misplace my anger. when im angry at someone, i let out my wrath on her and not some other innocent victim. thats the problem with my crazy fam. too much misplaced responsibility and misplaced anger. im breaking that cycle. if you break my fave mug, im gonna give you a can of my whoopass, not the guy standing next to you. argh!

this isnt about kicking anyones ass. its about being resented. i feel like people have resented me my whole life. ive heard people (ok fine, just my sisters) say that about me on numerous occasions. after many sessions with jill r and my own thinking, i can see why. dee resented me as a child bc i was a skinny peppy (yes, my voice was actually higher than ben steins at one point in my life) child who could tumble across the room better than any circus acrobat and she was a loud mouthed heavy girl. yeah, who could compete with me, really? her resentment also came from misplaced responsibility. see, my parents pretty much handed her the responsibility of taking care of me when they in fact, shouldve been doing that themselves. who wouldnt resent an adorable child like me when she herself was a child forced to take care of another. sad. i feel sad for her. my relationship with dee now is actually pretty great. sure, we get on each others nerves here and there but hey, we dont live together so when it gets sour, we drop it like its hot and proceed with the fun.

now le join is a different case. its a much difficult one although i must admit, my relationship with dee was tre tre tre difficult at times too. dealing with le join is difficult bc we live together (that and the fact that her mind is on a warped planet. seriously. dee was difficult bc she always had to say her shit first but once she shut her trap and actually listened to the other person, she would make amends. not this one though. yikes). i have to come home to her shit whether i like it or not. but ive changed. grown up. learned a lot. instead of dreading seeing her and wishing i could avoid her as much as possible, i actually cant wait to go home and get this settled. i know im right. i never wouldve been able to say that even like 2 years ago. i know know know there was no wrongdoing on my part. and that feels so awesome to say. le join resents me bc she feels bad about herself. she has no job, no friends, no boyfriend. all shes got is the apt, gio, and me. ME. why would she shit on the one thing shes got. i come with the apt, and gio... gio is a dog. and lets face it, ive been taking care of the dog more than she has. even now! when im working and shes NOT!

im putting my foot down. i will not let her try to make me feel guilty about doing the one thing ive been working so hard for - simply hanging out with my friends whenever i want. i take care of my shit, let me roam free. the thing that bothers me the most is the non communication. im like a typical man. if you tell me to do something, ill do it. but if you dont tell me anything and expect me to just do something, youll end up empty handed. i do not have an african headress on. i am not miss cleo. im not psychic. i cant read your thoughts.

you probably think im nuts. im in the good seat. im in the seat with the cool job, amazing friends, and even a fun friend. but when your own sister tries to make you feel like you dont deserve it, well, its just uncalled for. sorry if im a busy person but then again, dont act surprised upon that fact. even co-workers know im busy busy and even joke they have to book anything with me like a month in advance. being resented just bc im awesome is ridiculous. i am the eternal scapegoat. see, i knew deep down i was really jewish.

special mention:
whats a nooner?
it aint breakfast and it aint lunch.

Monday, December 11, 2006

la maj intuition

had a nice long weekend. nice. long. lazy. weekend. woo hoo. the laziest part of my weekend was lazy sunday. lazy sunday at the btjs. you know how i love my lazy sundays... at the btjs. but this one had my mind on overdrive. why? bc of la maj. little overview: el faj flew out to california friday morning so la maj would be only lonely for the weekend. i actually had a nice kinda long convo with the majinator friday night before i went out. kinda made me sad to think she was home alone but i knew she was happy that all kids are out living their lives. im sure she was even happier when she called me on sunday.

so lazy sunday began at 2am when i arrived at the btjs after a surprisingly fun party in brooklyn. yeah man. i actually trekked it out to another borough. by subway! truly truly momentous. anyhoo, started my arrival off right with a bed breaking (literally!) session. hehe. thats how i like to be greeted ;) then a close friend of the btj came by with a mini party of his own. after some mingling, the entourage left and the btj and i went beddy bye around 5am. ti. li. nation!

woke up hours later the way i like it =) and then while the btj was in the shower, i got a call... from la maj. it was past noon but la maj was acting as if it was the crack of dawn and asking why im already out of the house. i said i was at a friends (which isnt a lie) and of course she responds back, "your boyfriends?" and of course i scowled, no just a friend and la maj then says, "ok but a mother always know" and ended the call just like that.

what does she know? how does she know? she doesnt know. hell, i dont even know. whatEVER. i just went about the day forgetting that phone call. that was kinda easy to do considering the rest of the day consisted of just tv, food, and smokey mcsmokesteins. me like green. actually, the btj kept getting calls from his mother too. the make me smile part about it was that she knew who i was and even said hello... via the btj of course. ew. i hate being normal.

anyhoo, the "morning" phone call from la maj wasnt the last. she called again at 10:30pm and yes, i had to answer to her that i was still out with my friend. of course she let out one of her sly comments, this time it being, "must be something special if youre spending so much time together." too bad i couldnt tell her that this special time mainly consisted of tv, pot, food, and a little sex too. lol. ok, maybe she does understand the specialness. is la maj a secret ho too?

the most disturbing thing about la maj intuition is where her imagination takes her. its one thing to be intuitive. its another thing to be totally out of this world. so le join spoke with la maj and of course relayed everything back to me. la maj basically wanted le join to be a spy... to spy on me. she asked her how my expression was when i got home. happy and smiley or sad and crying. nuts. then, then she goes, boyfriend or not cassie better be married soon. wha? married?! i dont even have a titled or properly named "relationship" (even the word relationship has to be in quotation marks) with someone, and she thinks im gonna get rock on my finger?! la maj should try focusing on the other daughter, you know the one living with her boyfriend. theyve got a proper title and everything.

special mention:
did she just say byeeee?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

loopy faj

so le join had the lucky opportunity to escort the faj to the doctors office this morning. he was getting blood work and other fun tests done to make sure his health is in tip top shape. of course during the testing, the faj had to be medicated. faj on meds is funnier than anything youll ever catch on comedy central or any other hilarity source. since he would come out of the docs office all loopy, le join had to be there to drive him back home and make sure he doesnt do anything silly. stopping him from saying something silly, well thats just near impossible to do. so she just had to sit back (probably wince) and just listen.

so faj got a few parts of his diagnosis back and well, he made a response that was so special mention worthy, i had to write this post about it. oh the faj. its lines like these that make me say "omg, he is like jamie!"

after hearing that his lungs are clean and healthy he exclaims:

"i think its from all the singing i do."

the crazy thing is, i think he wouldve responded exactly the same way even if he wasnt on meds. chun = cuh-razy!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

2006 - a look back

since it is december and all, i cant help but look back on the year and start making the best and worst of lists, etc... anyway, to help remind myself of this past years goings ons i went back to my archives and started reading. lo and behold, i wrote a list of goals for 2006 back in january. the coolest thing is, i think ive reached each goal or came close to it.
  1. diet is die with a t - ok fine. so i havent stuck to a diet. so i havent been to a gym at all in 2006. but diet is die with a t and well, ive learned restricting myself to things i love just makes me mucho unhappy. besides, ive come to a nice place (mentally) with myself. i dont love love love my body, but i dont hate hate hate it either. plus, my appetite has shrunk to a good size. i think its all the free meals i get at work. i dont wanna look like a beast in front of work folk so i dont eat huge meals with them and when i get home, my belly cant handle huge amounts of food bc its taken in so little during the day. plus, ive been walking el gio mucho mucho mucho. who needs an elliptical when ive got my moo moo kachoo!
  2. summer '06 will be independence day - ok ok ok, so it wasnt summer '06 but 10.26.06 but at least it was in '06. yeah bitches, this mama is finally where she belongs - in nyc. summer '06 was the start of my city life though. its when i got my kickin' job in midtown. after the job (and lots and lots of paperwork) the apt followed. love the job, love the apt, love everything. love love love. what do i love most about being on my own: eating in bed, smoking in bed, ****ing in bed. guess i love my bed too.
  3. more sex in 2006 - speaking of ****ing, i think ive fulfilled this lil goal. didnt think it was gonna happen. especially the first 7 months of the year. ok so i had my lil rendevous with wheelie in month 5 but considering his sitch, there would be no sex between us. jeepers. after some crazy winking, someone finally bit my bait and the sex'in soon followed. late night, midday, his place, my place, whenever, wherever. i totally liked this goal. just may add it to next years list as well. (seriously, why am i such a ho?)
  4. no more spirals - i wasnt talkin about pasta either. nah, i think the number of downward spirals has gone down tremendously this year. besides my mega lighter bd back in the bahamas, i think the waters have been pretty smooth. i seriously ran out of things to complain about to jill r during my last few months with her. and its also been a few months since i last saw her and i havent had a major or minor bd. things have been changing around me yet ive managed to stay composed. jill r has taught me so well. ill probably look for another therapist soon. even though im pretty happy, deep inside im still a nutcase. its the chun in me.
  5. carrie bradshaw/doogie howser - ok ok ok, ive tried my best to keep up with my blogging this year but lets face it, i get bloggers block at times. if the well is dry, you aint gettin no water and there have been times ive left my readers thirsty. sorry brosefs. id rather leave a blank space than fill it with shit. thats just how i flow. although ive produced some stellar writings this year, i think im most proud of my blogger spawn: my brosefs.

so the year is almost over. just a few more short weeks. have lots of parties to look forward to, a few more to drag myself to, and then the holidays to celebrate. xmas will be interesting... a wish list will be compiled in a week or so, and new years should be even more interesting. i just hope ill get my lazy ass to the gym before nye. i wanna look hot and snag me a fun new years kiss this year ;)

special mention:
the i.d.

Monday, December 04, 2006

superb weekend

its weird how one random moment can trigger such a happy feeling. i was heating up a late night snack when it really hit me. im living on my own. i can eat when i want, what i want, where i want, how i want. i can do what i want. just made me really appreciate my life right now. its pretty a-ok. this weekend was a nice mix of my life and i thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. heres a quick recap:

friday night: sibling night
  • my brosef rich and sis dee came to the apt with her devil dog beanie (feeny or bean feens) for a night out with the doggies (gio was waiting patiently for us all day) and a fun dinner in soho.
  • dinner at woo lae oak made us realize how quickly our fam eats. we take out all the bullshit lingering convos. its order, eat, pay, leave. seriously. we were in and out of the place in 40 mins. then we went to dean and deluca for some late night munchie shopping.
  • not only does chun = ridiculously good looking but it also means lazy channel surfing bitches. no need to go out when youve got your sibs, munchies, and primo dvr cable with on demand everything. dexter is the greatest show.
  • le join had her last night at le cirque so she did not join in on the sibling festivities. she came home with wicked stories of stupid random stalker assholes she and her friends met throughout the night and... a nasty cold.
saturday day: just the two of us (rich and me)
  • the four of us had bkfst together. ordered in from a deli. then dee went to flushing for a dentist appt and le join stayed in bed and tried to sleep her illness away. so it was just rich and me.
  • original plan was a meal at the seaport but the temps were dropping a lil too low for us so it was a train ride to times square for a lunch at bubba gumps. yummy! best part was i had mucho leftover... dinner!
  • after escorting rich to penn station and making sure he got on the right train, i headed down to chelsea to stop by whole foods and pick up ginger and soup and other little goodies to help cure le joins cold.
saturday night: the cheese does not stand alone
  • thought it was just gonna be a fun night out with the girls but i realized it was the first time out with the girls where my boat had more girlies than that other boat. to deal with their new "boat" status, g-star and jiller drank (and smoked) the night away. i wouldve joined in on their debauchery but then they started with the "being single sucks" talkin so i started walkin... with jamie and mike to the nearest cab.
  • we should be singin' yeah. after pickin up a pack of stogies, jiller and g-star met the three of us in k-town for some overdue karaoke. many, many, many bustouts last night from everyone. jillers alone bustout. g-stars aint no other man. the whitneys. my ashlees. plus, it was cheap and cheap. we likes and we likes =)
  • capped the night off with a night cap at btjs. had a fun ride and then it was nighty night time. best part - the lazy sunday to look forward to (suggested by him).
sunday day: lazy sunday
  • woke up a lil before 9. had a bedside "workout" then back to more sleepies. finally got out of bed a few hours later and headed to the living room couch for some channel surfin. (isnt called lazy sunday for nothin')
  • tv. smoke. eat. tv. smoke. tv. me. like. to. spend. me. day. like. this. wished i couldve stayed longer but i had an illin sister, a hungry dog, and a dinnertime visit from the maj and faj on my mind. busted back home just in time...
sunday night: distance does make the heart grow fonder
  • i miraculously managed to feed and walk the dog, unload/load the dishwasher, scrub down the bathroom, tidy and sweep up the apt before the maj and faj rang the doorbell.
  • the 'rents came over to share a nice korean dinner with their two daughters, give le join some meds for her cold, and finish building the ikea furtniture. ok fine. im spoiled. no, im privileged. im not spoiled bc i appreciate my parents help. besides it gives them just as much joy as it does me that my furniture is now all completed.
  • of course after i diligently swept my floors (right before their arrival) they let a few snide comments slip out about my "dusty" floors. ugh. theyll never approve. but yay! i dont have to hear their crap everyday. why? bc i live on my own!!!
  • maj and faj left feeling satisfied with their work well done with the ikea stuff and our (le join and i) work well done with the apt. theyre happy with where we all are right now and thats so cool. no more complaints and strained relationships. im pretty happy too.
what a weekend. nice mix of family, friends and booty too. some stuff i wished i had a lil more of this weekend:
  • 9-0s. the brenda years started up again and i havent even watch one ep yet. its gonna be 9-0 mini marathons this week after work.
  • shopping with the jiller. our day of shopping got cut short last weekend and this weekend it just never happened. i need a new comforter set and fun stuff for my apt. jillers the one i trust the most. not only is she a mapquest/zagats/yellow pages, shes also a fun interior decorator too. jiller to the rescue!
  • more quality walks with gio. this weekend was all screwy with my and his walking sched. cousin beans and just being mucho busy as cut our walks short. i like long walks with gio. the longer the walk, the more chance fate can do its thing for me.
anyway, im trying to keep this upbeat attitude about my life so heres a quote from sheryl crow that should get all these down and out people thinking: "its not having what you want. its wanting what you got." - soak up the sun

special mention:
can i steal that?

guy with the sparkly santa hat to a cashier at duane reade

Friday, December 01, 2006

wee mee

so im on aim all day when im at work. its a nice and efficient way to communicate with my co-workers... and my buddies! anyway, i used to have a crabby abby icon that was so cool. he talked and made funny faces. even walked away when i said bye. anyway, after much urging from a few coke peeps, i got rid of my precious crabby abby and joined the rest of my web savvy co-workers and got a wee mee. i tried to make mine as true to me as possible. anyway, take a looksie:

the city background is pretty true to my new 'hood - by the water. i wear sunglasses whenever possible. im digging wearing scarves however this strange heat wave in december is making me put my scarves away. i love my big juicy drinks and my bigger designer handbags. scowl on face is a must bc as awesome as i am, i always gotta look rough and tough. thats my survival skills my friends. if you look bitchy, no one will mess with you. bitch in the city. im awesome.