dog... i mean bf training

its funny how about 2 years ago, i compared men to dogs and this year, im really starting to see a resemblance. i think im lucky that im my bf's first gf and vice versa. we get to learn things together. the sad thing is, i know a lot more than he does about this relationship crap so when i have to train him, it sometimes feels like im with a puppy. i even called him a puppy once and he shrieked a lil bc thats what his mom used to call him (must be his big brown eyes!). ah, some things never change.

anyway, this was about teaching my man limits. now, ive prided myself in using the invisible fence with my man instead of a short leash bc i see women who carry short leashes as just bossy bitches with low self esteems. im no fool. i let my man look. i know aint nothing i can do or look like thats gonna stop him. thats why we have a very honest relationship. we tell each other everything. id rather know who hes looking at (gives me extra info on what type of hos to kill!) than have him sneaking around. but this non sneaking around has kinda sorta backfired. he almost thinks like a catholic in a sense: do something bad but its ok bc you confessed to it. ah, that shit dont fly past me. you 'sin' and you PAY!

so my man had my mind in a mini overdrive a few weeks ago. long story short (or as short as i can make it) he a had friend from the military come home for a week. this friend has a younger sister (we'll call her fireslut bc shes a red-head and i dont like her) that my man crushed on and went on a date with a few years ago. anyway, so when this friend first got home for a weeklong visit, we went over to his fam home to say hello and all that jazz. fireslut was flirting away with my man. i chalked it up to just not having seen each other in a while-friendly chatter. the night before the friend left, a big group of people met up a bar to bid him adieu. i figured id give the fireslut the benefit of the doubt, maybes shes just a flirty girl. well, the ho was singling out my man again! does she not about the crazy scorpio sneaky korean wrath?! anyway, obv my man went home with me and left fireslut in the nasty dust where she belongs. bitch!

so i survived a mini hs reunion of sorts for my man but i knew he had another one coming up: thanksgiving eve. i know in most towns its like that but his town has a freakin ritual, its nauseating. to say the least, i was nervous. i know my man loves me but he is a man and if a ho works at it/him enough, his head (below the belt) will take over his head (above the shoulders). ah brain, BE STRONG!

another long story short (or ill try my best to shorten it) my man went out and saw a cute blonde who went to the same hs but was a few years younger. throughout the night he saw his short friend, lets call him shorty, hitting on this chick. he knew his friend just wanted to get laid and felt almost (like a) protective (brother) over this blonde ho. so (mistake number 1) my man offers this bitch a ride home if she doesnt want to leave with shorty. much to my surprise (NOT!) bitch accepts my mans offer and he drives her home. when they get to her house he says, "if i didnt have a gf, this is when id ask you for your number." now. what do you think he did? lets guess mistake number 2:
a. said, "fuck it!" and went into the backseat to do the nasty
b. kicked the ho out of the car and regretted even driving her home
c. exchanged phone numbers
ok, if he chose answer a. you wouldve read an obituary about a pretty blonde from jewville, jersey followed by a 5 page story on a crazy murder of an adulterous bastard. so no, a. was not the answer. i wish b. was the answer but if it was, i wouldnt be writing this right now. yup, he did c. exchanged fuckin numbers with this slutbong piece of shit.

now, he was telling me this 'wonderful' story while we were driving my from apt back to his. it was late at night and im so thankful for that bc the darkness hid the fact that i was using all my strength to hold back tears. well his puppy dog instincts kicked in and he knew he was in trouble. he even asked, "omg. are you gonna break up with me?" he knows infidelity is the one deal breaker thats no questions asked but this so fell into the rachel/ross blurry line that obv i wasnt gonna be so rash about it.

being the calm mama that i am, i explained to him why this made me so upset.
mistake #1: offering the slut a ride home. why did he feel compelled to be 'protective' of her? hes not her guardian. shes a big girl. if shes a slut that night, thats her decision, not his.
mistake #2 (which could have been avoided if he didnt make mistake #1!): exchanging numbers. WHA?!?! WHY?!?! that move is a total lose-lose bc it makes me look like an unwanted gf and him look like a sleazy scumbag. she might be thinkings hes taking another chicks number as a backup. plus, girls are competitive bitches and she just got a one up on a gf shes never met.

so i gave him a basic (and what i thought was common sense) rule to follow: dont do anything that you wouldnt want me to do. would he have wanted me to offer some guy a ride home? prob not. would he have been cool with me exchanging numbers with said guy. i would hope not. so has been his one 'pass' but im looking at it as a lesson. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me... or buh-bye you f-in bastard!

special mention:
my bro got into a car accident while making a left turn (the girl going straight hit his car). his reaction about a half hour later...
rich: now that i think about it, this is how james dean died.
me: he was making a left turn?
rich: nah. he was going straight.
me: that is the best post-accident line ive ever heard.