Tuesday, November 29, 2005

psychos, bitches, sluts... the girl groups

the men have had their share of bashing so now its time to turn the spotlight on the other half: women. the complex gender cant have just 3 groups. no, theres almost 3 times as many.

psychos - most common breed. girls are thinkers but with heavy thinking comes crazy thoughts, crazy psychotic thoughts. get involved with a psycho hose beast and theres no escape. none. just like the male psychos, psycho girls have one goal and one goal only and that is to be the one they love. always. everyday, every minute, every second. a psycho girl will go to extreme lengths like moving next door to her "kinda into the relationship but really wants out" boyfriend or a block away from the asshole shes obsessed with. we all know one or two. theres no stopping a psycho. all you can do is step to the side and watch with slight horror.

the bitch - you can spot this one from a mile away. its all in her face. the "youve got balls for looking at me" face. a bitch only cares about one person and thats herself. dont confuse a bitch with an emotionally detached girl. bitches are pure evil. psychos cause harm but the root of it comes from love. bitches do mean things just because they feel like it. they come off as having a "male" mind because they mess around and break hearts. yes hearts get broken all the time but bitches do it with a smile on their faces.

nurturer - exact opposite of a bitch. this is the girl who just wants to take care of a boy. wants to clean him up, make him pretty, teach him manners and then show him off to whoever will look. they love love love boys with problems because they want to solve them and make it all better. makes her feel like superwoman. the nurturer eventually turns into the best soccer mom ever. why? because she never misses a carpool and even bakes between errands. a nurturer in her twenties is just super sweet and super happy. you got to be a happy girl if you want to help out a sad sad boy. happy girls have all the solutions. its in their nature to nurture.

emotionally detached - stone cold stare. usually confused with the bitch face but unlike a bitch who likes to inflict pain on others, emotionally detached girls are doing the opposite and are just protecting themselves from pain. these are the most complex of all girls because they push away the one thing they crave, some affection. if a guy plays his cards right, he can totally unleash the emotions of an e.d. but if he breaks her heart, he may cause the e.d. to turn into a p-s-y-c-h-o. the emotionally detached are all or nothing girls. feelings are either bottled up and burst open flying everywhere. the lows get low but the highs are pretty awesome too. hey man, nobodys perfect.

independent woman - closest to "perfect" because this girl has got all aspects of her life balanced. an independent woman can have a boyfriend and not sound like an oxymoron. how? because she miraculously doesnt let her friends, boyfriends, or family feel like second fiddle. ever. she makes time for everyone. independent women usually wear the pants in a relationship because most guys arent secure enough to trust their girlfriends when they go out without them. or even if he does complain, the independent woman whips her man back into place. every girl tries to be an independent woman. well, every girl with a functioning brain.

sluts and whores - if every girl strives to be an independent woman, but deep down, all she really wants to be is a slut. they just dont want the nasty rep that comes with it. i actually admire sluts and whores because these girls arent ashamed of who they are and what they do, which is have great sex with numerous guys. yeah, there are different kinds of sluts and whores: the nasty ones (std central), the needy ones (daddy issues!), the skanky ones ("umm, what was your name again?"), but the worst ones of all are what i like to call "the catholic school sluts".

catholic school sluts are the worst because theyre hypocrites. they preach about being religious and then go screw every boy who glances her way. i especially hate the ones who dont have sex but do everything but... and butt! i dont think god said anal was ok before marriage but whatever, catholic school girls love loopholes as much as assholes.

the always needs a boyfriend girl - sad sad sad. these are the saddest girls because they cant define themselves without a male figure by her side. the a.n.a.b. girl could turn psycho when she is (gasp!) single, but these girls usually dont have any single time. they usually dont leave one relationship without another waiting in the wings. selfish yes but its only because she has no sense of self. sad. just so sad.

hanging on for dear life girl - almost as sad as an a.n.a.b. girl. its not that she needs a boyfriend, shes needs this boyfriend. the one shes with. even if the relationship is dead end or even abusive, the girl just cant leave. she is either hanging on for financial reasons or even worse, emotional reasons. what a hanging on for dear life girl needs is a self esteem and a great therapist to help her build one. every girl has the capability of becoming awesome but the first step is to ditch the loser. easier said than done but everything in life takes work. the end results not only turn out better but theyre also more appreciated.

cheesy flirt (aka pseudo slut) - these girls have a great time when they go out. why? because theyre dressed for a fun night out on the town. ok, theyre dressed like sluts. a cheesy flirt is usually in an outfit that screams "meet me in the bathroom in 10 minutes..." but when you approach her, shes asking you what your favorite billy joel or '80s song is. then you realize theres no tryst in the bathroom in the near future but if youre lucky, maybe a hand job in the shared cab ride home (to your separate apts). cheesy flirts can eventually turn into fun girlfriends but that aint gonna come easy. boys have gotta work and commit and considering those two things arent faves amongst men, theres still a lot of single cheesy flirts out there.

have you figured out which one you are or know of any girls who fit into any of the groups above? men and women are definitely from different planets. jamie and i may pull an oprah/tai and read men are from mars, women are from venus and have a book club-like hardcore discussion afterwards. although there are so many groups for both boys and girls it really just comes down to this: in the end all guys are assholes and all girls are psycho. the lack of emotions makes guys assholes and the overabundunce of feelings eventually turn girls crazy. happy living everyone!

prank call special mention:
no funny quote here just a question - who pranked jamie back in september? any leads, send 'em this way.

parking special mention:
"omg! another spot just opened up. what is it, spot day?"

hope your parking sitch is like this today jam!

1 PRAISES OR SPAM

Anonymous diane said...

yeah, uh, i definitely fall under the "psycho" category!!

11:21 PM  

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