shabbat to shiva

this past week has been one lesson in judaism after another. i got to experience some traditions and meet more fam members of the lb. dee even sent me a text message yesterday saying, "wow you really surround yourself with (the family)." i guess i do. the more i meet another relative, the more i learn about my man and the more i love him and where he comes from. even in somber circumstances, the mood was never dark. who knew i would enjoy meeting other families.

last friday, my man and i went over to his maternal grandparents house for shabbat dinner. of course i didnt realize it would be "religious" until we walked through the door and i saw 3 yarmulkes lined up on the dinner table (the lbs bro and his gf were also at dinner). duh! its friday night. of course its shabbat. his grandparents are adorable and super sweet. plus dinner was super yummy: brisket and chicken. its nice to see grandparents can still be active and not fragile. all i can say is i genuinely had a great time hanging with the g'rents. the convos were entertaining and informative (we talked about the yiddish language and its origin) and the food was delicious. all in all, it was a great night.

saturday was spent chillin with the lb in his rents pool. we had the place to ourselves for the day and took full advantage of the privacy. good times. good times. sunday was an interesting day bc while i was working at my parents store, the lb spent the day with the faj. yes. the faj. the faj, brian and he went out to the driving range to hit some golf balls. the faj taught him how to swing and ultimately created a new golf fan. i caught the lb practicing his swing when we got back to his apt that night. so adorable!

tuesday morning i receive a call from the lb. his sad voice told me that his uncle (his fathers sisters husband) passed away that morning. uncle charlie had been sick for the past few years with a type of dementia the doctors couldnt diagnose. knowing that he was the lbs fave uncle, i wanted to support him as much as possible. he asked if i could accompany him to the funeral so i said yes. then i spoke with jiller and jamie to get some advice. i knew i would pay my respects by going to sit shiva later that week but i wanted to know what happens after the funeral. is there a special thing just for family, etc... i want to support my man but i didnt want to intrude on family stuff.

well after speaking with jiller and jamie, i decided to just go to the funeral. the burial and post burial shiva is for family. besides, i barely know his extended family. this would be strange. so when i met up with my man that night, he assumed i would accompany him to everything. his family is dying to meet me. well, one of them actually did. (ba dum bump! ill be here 'til 11 folks.) so i thought, why not. if anything, this will be a memorable way to meet the fam. instead of boring you with details, ill just give highlights and thoughts.

a. i thought my grandfajs funeral was big but this one had way more in attendance. true, my grandfaj died at age 96, long after many of his friends went towards the white light, and uncle charlie passed away at just 61. i realized that yes, the lb has a large family but he also grew up in a small town. well a small towny town where your hs substitute teacher is also your aunts best friend. and no this isnt some random example i thought of, this is true. i met her. lovely lady. needless to say, my man grew up in a loving and caring environment. his community is his family and everyone is there for each other.

b. a pebble, a rock, even some quarters. uncle charlie was buried at the family plot so not only did the family lay the beloved man to rest but they also got to visit their other loved ones. to show that you stopped by, you place a pebble or rock on the tombstone. actually, i also learned that you should place the rocks on the edge of the tombstone bc the granite can ruin the surface. i noticed one with quarters on it. the lbs father said the quarters are there so that the ones who visit can pay for the tolls they go through to come there. ah. jersey jewish humor. gotta love it.

c. people person. yeah i still dont believe i am one but maybe just maybe, i am becoming one. normally, a function like this would give me the heebie jeebies but i surprisingly wasnt uncomfotable at all. maybe its the love goggles or maybe im becoming a stronger better person bc of my man. when i fed him to the wolves aka my fam last sunday, he held his own and managed to squeeze out some info for himself. he asked le join if i seemed different these days and she replied that i speak up a lot more. i say whats on my mind and dont cower and back down like i used to. he liked taking some of that credit (and he deserves it). his alpha dog pep talks give me strength at times that i need it. i guess i wasnt as nervous as i thought i would be yesterday bc i know that my man loves me. all i had to do was show the awesome woman that he loves to his fam. i think i did bc i felt welcomed and thats just awesome.

although ive immersed myself in my mans fam, and quite enjoyed it too, i also had a time to step back and look at how ive been spending my life these days. i need to inject more of my "family" aka my friends in my days. i dont want to become the girl who disappears bc she has a bf and i know ive been slipping into that direction. i never thought i would. jiller made the balancing act look so damn easy. i know it takes effort and im a lazy bitch. (un)fortunately my bf is a lazy bitch too. can you see how and why ive been slipping. but im gonna get some traction. i need to be me and a big part of me is my friends. i love my bitches.

a do to to night

i slept in my apt last night. in my bed. alone. no no no, things arent bad with me and the lb. it was just a rare occasion of us not spending our night together. he went to the yankee game with his dad and bro and i came home to walk the dogs and have dinner with my sisters. i say this was rare bc i cant remember the last time the lb and i slept apart. even though this was out of the ordinary, i think it came at a good time.

i came home and was still in my funky mood although not as funky as the night before. talking with my bf throughout the day made me feel a lot better. sure we're both selfish, but our selfish needs are actually to make the other one happy. this is why we work so well. plus, spending time with my sisters made me realize that ive got it goin on and goin pretty good too. i know right now, ive prob got it goin on the best. my health is in check, my job is in check, my social life is in check and check. plus, i look awesome! i was a lil jealous that my sisters spent the day together doing fun things like going out to eat and getting their nails did but of course a day with those two together is never smooth sailing. there were mini fights here and there but there were also big laughs too. ah, thats how the fam works.

so yesterday, dee did something super sweet and got me lunch. yup, since the two were in the 'hood, they stopped by my office and brought me lunch. so nice. money saved for me! when i met up with them, le join was being super quiet but stifling giggles. then after a few minutes, dee goes, "i won! you owe me 10 bucks." to le join. they had a bet if i would notice something. le join bet i would, dee bet i wouldnt (bc im a p-head whos oblivio). what didnt i notice? the two hos were wearing the same dress shirt. but to my defense, the dress shirts were two different colors and dee was wearing it like dress while le join wore it like a shirt with jean capris and a white tank underneath. whatever. maybe im walking around with foggy goggles. damn goggles.

ah, but the biggest laugh came at the nail salon. they went to a place thats owned by one of fajs friends (the jews got their accountants but the koreans got the grocery and nail salon hookups). ive been there once before but that was months ago when there was still snow on the ground. anyhoo, so the bobsey twins walk in to get their nails did and the ladies were asking questions. whos the oldest, yaddy yadda. they told them dee was the oldest and le join is the third. so the ladies go, "oh the other sister doesnt look anything like you guys. you guys look so much alike." duh! then dee mutters something like, "yeah bc shes thin!" lol. anyway, as they were walking out of the salon, they heard the ladies go, oh they look like twins, theyre even wearing matching clothes. lol! so i guess not everyone is as oblivio as i am.

anyway, i say the night apart came at a good time bc of a few reasons:
a. i was still in a funky mood although by the end of the night, the funk had gone away.
b. my man was at the yankee game and they lost so he went home in a more than funky mood.
c. aunt flo. when shes in town, i just wanna lounge and gorge on chocolate.

plus, the time apart (yes, the whole 24+ hours) made me realize that my funky mood really was just pms. watching dee and bri together also made me realize that i do NOT want petty little things to bother me and get me riled up as much as it does to dee. omg, she was literally beating up bri. i didnt witness it (le join did) but i could hear it from the other room. i love my sis but she is p-s-y-c-h-o! im gonna take my own advice that i give to dee, if something is bothering me and/or i want my man to do something, im just gonna tell/ask him. if i want something, i know he'll get it for me. i just have a problem asking. ugh, my sweethearted nature. why cant i just be a bitch sometimes? maybe ill just take my mans advice and be the ALPHA DOG! yeah, ill alpha dog his ass when i need to. its better than moping and blaming it on the crimson tide.

multiple choice: a. fam b. goggles c. pms

ive been feeling not so great lately. i nearly broke down yesterday. that was just a mix of bad mta luck, bitchy sales people at work, and things not turning out the way i wanted/expected socially. amazingly, none of the probs dealt with my fam... not directly anyway. i guess my blues are linked to my man. i started seeing him in a different light and i dont like how its making me feel and act. i dont want little things to bother me yet thats exactly whats been going on. ugh. are the things my fam is saying true? are my love goggles starting to slip off of my eyes? am i just extra emotional bc aunt flo is in town? ive been telling my man my 'tude is bc of the latter latter. i dont want him to think hes done anything wrong. not yet anyway. i wanna pinpoint my probs and then address them. i dont wanna walk around and just accuse silly things.

a thing le join has mentioned to me a few weeks ago has really been brewing in my mind: keys. she wonders why the lb hasnt given me a set of keys to his apt. i must say that it hurt a lil when we ran into his next door neighbor and he mentioned giving her a set of keys just in case he locks himself out. he was being totally reasonable. who doesnt give a set of keys to their neighbors. but i guess i was hurt bc he thought of giving it to the neighbor without even thinking of giving me a set. am i just being a crazy gf aka a normal girl? ugh, normal with feelings.

honestly, i really dont need a set of keys. i always go his apt when hes there. (please, i would have no other reason to be there.) but there have been a few times when i trudge up those three flights of stairs and my darling is not home. the first time it happened, i got a surprise (remember the american apparel? i sure do!). but the last time just made me upset. i knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. i heard the tv but nothing else. then i called my man and he didnt pick up. not the first call, not the second, not the third. this prompted me to run down to the street. he was probably picking up dinner on the block (the man is a bit lazy, i know he aint walking more than a block). checked the bagel place and even tasti d-lite. nothing. i started to panick. where could he be? he finally called and told me he was eating at vera cruz (the restaurant directly below his apt, which also shut down the following day).

so i walked in and there he was sitting at the bar having some din din. chatting up the bartender and some other guy sitting two stools away. ah. thats what i love about him. place him anywhere, and he could talk to just about anybody. at the same time, that exact thing is what bugged me that night. he was too busy chatting it up that he couldnt even simply text me to let me know where he was. he knew i was on my way to see him. plus, this is also the same reason it takes him forever to leave anywhere. bc of convos with strangers. as we were leaving, he started a convo with some chick reading some rather large book. thankfully jiller called so i got to leave to talk to her outside. and i bet my man didnt even realize i was gone. am i being too selfish about his attention? i shouldnt expect it 24/7. hes a friendly guy. hes an aquarius.

actually, when i did an astrological match with our signs, the results werent too peachy. actually, this is the exact problem the stars said we would have. aquariuses want to be loved by the world while scorpios are just focused on one. while i just want his attention, he wants to talk to everyone. this actually happened last night (which was also the last straw to my pissy-ness, well one of the last ones). after my hectic day at work, i had a night of karaoke with my girls. since the place was only a few blocks away from my office, i planned on leaving straight from work. well, i planned on meeting the lb at my office and then going together. i know telling that man anything in advance goes in one ear and out the other so i planned on telling him during our afternoon im convo. well we didnt have an im convo yesterday but he did call me a lil before 6. i told him my plan and he said that he didnt think he'd be able to make it to my office in time. i was a bit hurt but said fine, he could meet us at the place. im still a strong independent woman. i can go to places on my own.

what irked me was why he came so late. he chose to please others instead of trying to make me happy. i received a call from him about 6:55pm. i asked where he was and he was at his next door neighbors apt. her bf has some sciatic leg so he stopped by with some herbal remedies. he was gonna leave in around 10 mins. his 10 mins, especially when theres herb around, is usually 30 mins so i just hung up and texted him the address of the karaoke place. so is the fam right -does he not appreciate me? are my love goggles wearing off - has he always been like this and im just noticing this now? is this pms - is this not a big deal and im just letting my emotions get the best of me?

so karaoke night was fun for the most part. i busted out to a song ive never sung before. ballroom blitz. i wanted to be just cassandra from waynes world. i may not look as good as she does in a short red dress but my bust out was pretty stellar. got some rave reviews and some looks of shock. the perf was great except for one thing missing: my bf. he didnt come in until a good 2-3 songs after. it was a strange but familiar pain which i was finally able to identify this morning. he missed my perf just like my fam missed all my (gymnastics) meets. like i wasnt important enough to them to make the effort to come out and see. i did so awesome and they missed it. ok, so the lb didnt know i was gonna pull a stellar perf. and i guess he didnt know it was important to me for him to come to this on time. heck i didnt even know it meant that much to me until after the damage had been done. is this just pms? is this another case of him not appreciating me? why and how does my fam get me to think like this each time? did they switch my love goggles with hate goggles?

another mini case of selfishness/unappreciating was on the subway ride home. i thought it was just me but adam noticed it too! my man started reading a book while we were riding the subway. adam came up to us and was like, "ill chat with cass since youre ignoring her with your book." im no fool. i started to take out my ipod. but again, is this him being selfish for wanting to read instead of talking to me or me being selfish for wanting his attention? do i want his attention or do i just crave attention from any man?

there was a time when i thought the phj was the grooviest. i loved the attention and affection i got from him. and like i said, he made me feel like sexy bitch. but once he went away, i realized that that was it, i just liked the attention. sure hes a cool guy, but i dont love him. ew. please. our last time together wasnt even that spectacular. thats when i knew i was completely over him... when i was under him (lol. sorry. had to add that pun!)

now that i (think i) got my love goggles off, ive realized, the lb is so similar to my fam. hes got dees mouth. will say whatever and whenever he pleases. and the example i gave above about missing my perf is so like my parents. am i a masochist who likes to torture herself?

i know actions say a lot, but so do his words. he knows when something is wrong with me and is the first person to ask how to fix it. i dont know why, but i just didnt have the heart to tell him that he was the problem. maybe im scared to tell him what i want for fear of disappointment. what if i told him that coming to karaoke on time would mean a lot to me and he still came late? i wouldve been ten times more upset. i guess i didnt tell him to come on time bc i didnt want to be a burden. id rather be the upset one than make someone else upset, angry, mad. is this just a habit i obtained from living with my sisters? easier to be in a slight displeasure than give them any displeasure at all. maybe this is all my fault. ive been too lenient with him that i cant bring myself to put my foot down. maybe im scared to put my foot down. scared that it will turn him off and away. maybe he likes me so much bc im so easy going. what if that easygoing-ness went away? but would i wanna be with someone who cant handle me putting my foot down at time? am i overanalyzing bc of a. my fam, b. the loss of love goggles, or c. pms?

ah, i still love the man. i know he loves me too. he hates seeing me down and will do just about anything to make me happy. he even said he likes worrying about me. ah. thats love. he thinks my down-ness may be due to my fams (dis)liking of him but hes gonna try really hard to change that around. oh, any man that will deal with my fam willingly is a man who loves me. maybe ill voice out how i feel although now i understand all those normal girls. sure its simple, tell a man what to do and he will do it. but sometimes you want your man to just know what you want and do it before you ask. its nice and considerate. that lil extra step can go miles and miles. damn feelings. how do i just keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones? is there a pill? can someone prescribe them to me?

torn

i had a feeling it would come. how could it not. its my family. they never did like outsiders. even if i love this outsider, they would never take him in with open arms... at least not right away. i cried last night. i didnt cry my eyes out but i did shed enough tears to wake up with puffy eyes. this really made me wish i was still going to jill r but i went to the next best (and probably even better) person, i went to jiller.

i basically got ganged up on by my sisters even though they "tried their hardest not to gang up on me." they sat side by side as they rattled off a list of what they dislike about my bf. theyre happy that im happy but thats about it. sure, my bf has crossed the line a few times but they were never ever done intentionally. a lot of the things they listed off was financial stuff. he should pay for this, shouldve paid for that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i didnt want a bf so i can get free meals. what he gives me has no monetary value. the beatles were right, money cant buy me love.

i guess the faj was trying to prepare me for the sisterly gang up when we spoke about the lb the day before. actually, my whole family has told me before that it seems like i like him more than he likes me but they also think that im "better" than he is (they think im physically more attractive and that im such a giver and hes a taker) so in their eyes, hes a guy who doesnt deserve me. the faj said that when you really like someone, you dont just treat that person well but their friends and family too. and of course the examples he gave me dealt with money.

he told me a story of a woman who was going to marry my uncle (the fajs older brother). my uncle dated this lady and then left for the states, telling her he'll come back for her. while he was away, the lady came by the house every morning to check on my grandparents and would take my father out to eat as he was a poor young man who just got back from the military. the faj thought this lady was awesome, that she was gonna be a great sister in law. of course, my uncle (being the good looking man that he was) didnt keep his promise and ended up marrying a psycho hose beast he met in the states (i can call her that now bc they divorced a few years ago and that bitch basically brainwashed her kids, my cousins, into shunning us chuns). the faj was so heartbroken for the nice lady.

the point of the story was was that she loved my uncle so much that she went that extra mile to be nice and giving to his family. maybe its a cultural thing. the bending over backwards to everyone in that persons life. the thing is, even though i want my family to like my bf, i dont want him jumping through hoops either. i dont want him to change around my family. i love him for who he is. i know there are a few things that we can do to makes things a little better but i also know that this animosity isnt going to completely go away. the females in my fam are never satisfied, hence the constant bitterness. it broke my heart when i asked the maj if she liked my bf and she just replied, "well you cant expect me to like him right away, i barely know him." i really felt my heart shatter. why cant the fact that he loves me and makes me happy be enough for her to like him.

as i was a ball of angry tears, i called up jiller. she knows a thing or two about having a bf that the parents arent the biggest fans of plus shes been in the same financial sitch with the bf too. i was also upset bc le join said my friends probably feel the same way about my bf too. all they ever say is, well he makes her happy. she thinks they dont actually like him. i had to get a real answer, and thats why i called the jiller. in just a matter of seconds, she made me feel better. she said she liked my bf and that hes a great guy. she loves what hes done to me. hes done a number on my confidence. my friends just arent used to me always being with someone else. understandable.

as the tears dried up and the anger subsided, i got to think about this situation with a clearer head. this is basically just another viscious cycle of my family not understanding that my friends and bf are just as important to me as family is. i dont think my family gets that bc none of my siblings really has any close friends (some dont even have friends). i also think its ironic that dee trash talks her bf all the f-in time yet my parents love him like one of their own (prob bc hes taken one of their own off their hands, for a bit anyway). its also funny how things that annoy dee about my bf are the same qualities that she has in herself. ahhh, as jill r would, thats called projection.

even though this sucks sucks sucks, last night was a breakthrough. it really made me realize how much i do love the lb and how comfortable i am when im with him. we completely follow our total honesty rule and i really just spilled all my fears to him. i told him i was scared that my family was gonna break us up. i also told him i was scared he would start to resent me bc i have it so easy with his fam and hes got it hard with mine. its just not fair. i cried to him. he saw me cry. it was actually the first time hes seen me cry, except for maybe a few tears from watching a sappy movie or commercial (hey, im sensitive!). but the fact that i was able to tell him all the things i was feeling instead of keeping it bottled up inside like i usually do, i was scared and relieved at the same time. i love this man. i do i do i do. and like he said, we cant choose our family and they will always be there. yes. but i chose to love the lb and im not changing my mind. i know he loves me too.

so for now, i think i should keep interactions between my high maintenance fam and my bf to a minimum. usually this would mean, just less time with the fam but considering that dee is going into surgery tomorrow, this means splitting my time between the man i love and the fam that shows me love through harsh tear inducing criticisms. fan-f'in-tabulous.

feel my body gettin cold (so cold, so cold)

heard this song a few weeks ago at jillers sisters bday party. jiller and jamie and i busted out to it for old times sake. then last night, i randomly caught this perf on the tele... AND it was at the lbs apt! normally it wouldnt be a big deal but the lb is what i like to call (affectionately, of course) a remote nazi. his place, his tv. well, ive been working on breaking down his tv walls but let me tell you, it is not an easy feat. anyhoo, i got the man to turn back to this wyclef perf. the song sounded familiar. then i realized it was 911! the clef sounded pretty good. then miss mjb walked out on stage and... just watch the vid below. gotta love youtube. gotta love the clef. gotta love mjb. "someone please call 911. tell them i just been shot down. and the bullets in my heart. and its piercing through my soul. feel my body getting cold."