sittin' shotgun

hope everyone had a happy holiday. i spent half my weekend eating and the other half sleeping in food coma. ok fine, it was more 40% eating, 40% sleeping, 2% shopping, 7% 9-0 eps (dont get me started on the dr. martins death hysterical crying hour!), 10% walking el gio, 1% btj. yes, only 1%. can you believe it? i cant. i actually got some clarity last night. good clarity. very good clarity. i feel much lighter (although im sure the scales would show otherwise). i feel like im on a ride and its gonna take me someplace spectacular. i spent my long holiday weekend with a person that i think is absolutely spectacular - me! alone time can be good time.

so heres a short synopsis of my weekend before i get into what this is all about - my clarity. thursday was turkey day and spent on li with the 'rents, the sibs, and grandma. i took my position as taste tester/kitchen bitch. didnt leave the li house til 12:30am bc dee and her bf wanted to wait til all the t-day traffic had passed. so i didnt get back to my nyc digs til almost 2am. nooches.

friday was a lil shopping with the jiller in her ues 'hood. i mta'd it all the way all day. im poor. cant afford cabs. then we met up with gayliestar for cheap drinks at subway bar. seriously, cant get $4 drinks any place else so this hole in the wall bar is my new (and probably only) fave bar.

saturday was me me me. well, me, gio, joe e tata, tony the tiger, and a slew of 9-0s. there was a bawling-fest with the dr. martins death ep. seriously, cried my eyes out. i dont know if it was my joe e tata induced mind or the fact that the faj hasnt been feeling too well these past few days but damn, the waterworks were outta control. its good though. people need a good cry sometimes. i got mine.

sunday was a fun day. walked to south street seaport with le join and el gio. found a lot of choice eateries (pudgies chicken, popeyes chicken, a DINER!!!) along the way and took in the beautiful sites my 'hood has to offer. before we headed to the "eastside" i got a call from the btj. like a true bitch, i didnt drop everything and run right over to him. i just fit him into my schedule. besides, the last minute btj plans gave me something to look forward to. i never wouldve thought id get my happy clarity when i was leaving the btjs apt.

so we did the usual. nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever. i arrived at his apt. let him finish his madden '07 game on xbox and then we got down to (kinky) business. ended with both parties satisfied... as usual. then some more (football) channel surfing followed by another "surprise" (quotation marks = sarcasm) session. didnt want to seem like i was just f-ing and going so i stayed for about another hour before i bid adieu. as i was walking down the stairs (damn 4 story walk up) the clarity hit me and it was awesome.

ever see the snow white episode of saved by the bell? bayside high decided to do a modern version of the fairy tale with the cast rapping instead of reciting. anyhoo, zack was cast as prince charming and as a plot twist lil miss sunshine kelly kapowski was cast as the evil queen and cynical jessie spano as snow white. of course gossipy lisa turtle was the mirror on the wall. anyhoo, the dilemma was that jessie and zack had to kiss. gasp! anyway, the whole time jessie and zack are scared they really like each other. towards the end of the ep they kiss and are relieved that they have no feelings for each other. thats the kinda clarity i had. a sort of relief i guess.

im not saying i dont have any feelings for the btj. of course i do but last night i left his apt relieved. i was happy to leave. i wasnt wanting to stay there longer. i realized i dont like him as much as i thought i did. i know i wont be longing to spend time with him. and when we part ways, of course its gonna hurt but i know it wont kill me. i wont want to wish evil things to happen to the whore who "snatches" him away. i wont hate his "rachel."

this clarity didnt just come from nowhere. it came from love. the love for ME. yeah, i have fun when i hang out with the btj but i know i can have more fun with cooler people. i guess thats what my friends meant when they said, i can do better. i can. the relief also comes from something else too. ive decided im gonna stop. stop the active searching. totally devote to my faith in fate. the best things happened when least expected so im just not gonna expect anything anymore.

the jiller met tom on a bus. i doubt she was thinking, im gonna meet my future boyfriend when she hopped on the 2nd ave bus but thats exactly what happened. and with jamie, mike was always in the background when we look back on the times we've gone out this past year, and now hes one of the main players on the center stage of her life. thats fate my friends. im letting fate take my wheel and steer for a while.

so im just gonna keep on livin. l-i-v-i-n. if i get a fun surprise, ill accept it with open arms... the legs may part if he works for it (why am i such a ho?!).

special mention:
le join: i got an evite.
thats so cool.
and it wasnt even from jamie.
btw, nice to send her an evite to the hanukah grab bag party. NERVE!

the saved by the bell snow white rap

the stars say its a NO go

so i had a fun saturday with the btj. i didnt think a person could hang out with me for over 24 hours straight (unless that person is jamie: spring break '06!) but he did. and it was fun. i like hanging out with him. as i always say when we part ways, its good times, good times. i know how i feel but the reactions i get from others is not the same. out of every 5 of my friends who meet him, at least 3 of them automatically say, i could do better. blah blah. what is better? what does that mean? looks-wise i could do better? but how so? hes pretty tall, got a decent face, so yeah, hes got a belly but i dont have a perfect bod either. the ones who really know me and/or this sitch think im wasting my time. why? heres one response:

lori the fan fave plaza east-er: so things seem to go well. why doesn't he step up?

thats a great question? why doesnt he step up. i know the answer, well his answer anyway: hes a commitment phobic bitch with a chipped heart. basically doesnt trust any hos but at the same time hes a ho himself bc he wants to bang everything that moves. i agreed to go along with this friendship bc a big part of my mind thinks like a guy and yeah, i wanna have the freedom to knock the boots with whoever i want to, if the situation does pop up (no pun intended, well maybe a little).

if things are going great, why not take it farther? the btj and i talk about this a lot. probably bc hes just trying to save his ass - we both agreed to bang bang bang around with others so no one can complain if the other got booty elsewhere. hes also mentioned his "fear" of ruining what we got if we do get into the "'r' word" (quotation marks are there for a reason, those were his words, the "'r' word". ridiculous!). of course, since im a normal girl, my mind has been running around with silly and (of course) a lil crazy conclusions.

am i the julie to his ross? im cool to keep around for the time being but hes just waiting for his rachel to come around and say "hey, i love you now. you can ditch the stupid asian ho and have me." he'll probably have a big thing of toblerone too. who am i kidding, ill probably be the one with the toblerone. those things are damn good! then my mind wandered to the stars. yes peeps, astrology.

ive never been to psychic and dont ever want to go to one. i dont wanna know what my future holds. if its something bad, id rather not know. ignorance is bliss and i like being a dumbass mofo. so of course i googled "astrological compatibility" and checked every site on the first page of results. basically the stars are not with "us". im a scorpio. hes an aquarius. i want to belong to one and hes wants to be loved by the world. kinda makes sense. i noticed hes much more talkative when theres a group of people but i just chalked that up to him needing to be the funny guy of the room. we're both fixed signs which means we're stubborn-ass bitches. ah, also says the scorpio sexual appetite may be too large for the aquarius to handle. hmmm ;) i did "surprise" him with our last romp. hey man, when somethings good, i want it... a LOT =)

so im just gonna keep on keepin on my faith in fate. if we were meant to be it wouldve been already. maybe the btj is just a very fun, very. fun. pit stop before i head back on the love freeway. free love on the free love freeway. the love is free and the freeways long.

special mention - traffic style:
i answer my daily parking chant call from jamie
jamie: im really far.
me: (expecting to hear the likes of 40-something street) where are you?
jamie: northern blvd
me: explosive laughter
(thats not even in manhattan)

s(mokin') s(exin') saturday

i had a pretty stellar saturday. it was lazy, indulgent, yet very productive too. wha? kinda oxymoron-ish huh. lazy and productive? but its true. i had the best of both worlds. why? bc im a bitch. an independent woman. ive got my slices of life in check and took a bite out of each one. im awesome.

preface to the weekend: el brosef rich had his interview and audition at his numero uno choice school - berklee school of music. i was scheduled to accompany him up to boston but le join and the faj took my place instead. work at work was cuh-razy this week. i made the right choice by staying in ny. not just that, our little moo moo gio has been illin these past few days so i took him to the vet and nursed him back to health. besides all the chaos i was really looking forward to this weekend bc my nyc apt would be mine all mine!

i love le join but i would love love love to live alone. maybe its bc ive grown up in a full house that makes me absolutely cherish my privacy and alone time but yeah, ive been so stoked about having the place all to myself. i get to leave dishes in the sink, take a shit with the bathroom door open, walk around naked, hell even have some boys join me and my nudity. did i do all those things? hehe. read and see.

so my weekend began friday afternoon. left work early to take gio to the vet. then had somina, lauren, and the btj over for dinner. i showed the girlies my pad and then argued with the btj about the book i just finished, why men love bitches. the btj first guessed that the book was written by a woman and then proceeded his rant about how women cant possibly know what men want. riiight. then we all agreed that men like a woman who puts herself, her family and friends first and the rest after. well duh! but throughout the night and the next day, there were little things that made me think, haha the book is right about this, right about that.

after dinner, the btj and i walked somina and lauren to the subway and went back to the apt to really start the fun weekend with a makeout in the elevator (hooray for high rises!). after a sheet rustling session the btj programmed all my fave channels in my dvr. this reminded me of the book. let a man fix something for you. makes him feel manly and smart and important. true i wouldve eventually figured out how to program the faves on my own but a. i didnt want to tear down the manly wall of im awesome confidence hes just built up for himself and b. im a lazy bitch, id rather have someone else do my work for me than actually do it myself (example: ikea furniture).

anyway, to reward him of his hard work, i gave him a special treat: and no, my knees on the floor were not involved in this special treat. i pulled out a pint of ben and jerrys. ha. now the book has a mini section about not cooking a full meal for a man but instead making him a meaningful snack. the book suggested popcorn as it is easy to make (pop in microwave and if youre really feeling frisky, actually pour the popcorn into a bowl) but i went one step closer to easy and just pulled the pint of ice cream out of the freezer with one hand and brought it over the whole10 steps to the couch with two spoons in my other hand. voila. now im awesome.

after the fun dessert, we had another bedside dessert and then went beddy bye. i was a ti li fo sho. gio actually let us sleep for a pretty decent amount of time before waking me up in the am for his bkfst and morning walk. the walk was productive bc not only did he make his dookie, we also walked some of it back to the vet for testing. yay. so already, one errand down: dookie dropoff.

when gio and i returned to the apt, i knocked out a few more household chores. unload and then reload dishes in dishwasher - check. garbage and recycle items to the refuse room - check. all around tidying - check. wake up the btj with some booty - check and check. then the btj made me some bkfst. so cute. as he was making some fun hole in the middle english muffin french toast, i ran out quickly to buy some oj. as i was picking up the juice, my brothers voice ran through my head (you always get people to do stuff for you and then leave them while theyre working). felt kinda crappy but whatEVER, i never do that to intentionally hurt anyone.

when i came back with the oj, breakfast was almost ready. the btj saved one more to show me how he made this delicious concoction. the proud look on his face almost made me feel just as proud. almost though... mama was a hungry. after our breakfast it was smoke, sex, eat, repeat... about three times. i surprised the btj with the last round. i couldnt help it. i wanted to burn off the extra bowls of cookie crisp we consumed that afternoon. then i showered and when i looked at the whatever clock to check the time, it was already past 5pm and the btj was sound asleep in my bed. i let him take his midday nap (i mustve tired him out) and did my laundry for the 1st time in my building.

another productive moment of the day as another big chore goes under my belt as done and done. not just that i discovered my laundry room is just as cool as the other amenities in my building. the washing machines are a bit small but the dryers are wicked huge and dry everything wicked fast. best of all, if i do decide to actually stay in the room while my clothes are being washed, theres a huge flat screen tv to keep my occupied. luh, luh, luh, luxurious. we are. we are.

ended the night by parting ways with the btj and heading over to the hill (murray of course!) to chill with jamie and gayliestar... and theo too! i realized i havent really left my 'hood since i moved here. i also realized that cabs are so f-in expensive and the peach pit after dark is so f-in far from any subway. nyaaaa. i need to start a cab to murray hill fund. i think i may need to install a pole in my apt. i should be dancing, yeah!

special mention:
prom. night. mare.
nobody likes me!

so-AH-ry. ive got special mentions block.

chivalry is dead - a girly rant

lori the fan fave plaza east-er: why can't boys just step it up?
cassie the craziest blogorhea producer: boys are stupid
cassie the craziest blogorhea producer: throw rocks at them
cassie the craziest blogorhea producer: hehe
cassie the craziest blogorhea producer: i think boys have just gotten lazier
lori the fan fave plaza east-er: i like rock throwing
lori the fan fave plaza east-er: yeah they have
lori the fan fave plaza east-er: they need to go back to chivalry
cassie the craziest blogorhea producer: its the whole casual dating thing that killed chivalry.

who knew a simple aim convo would lead to such a brilliant observation. the sign of the times. womens lib, hip casual dating, career minded women all killed chivalry. we traded in being courted like a princess for our dignity. ok fine, you cant really put a price on dignity and respect but that doesnt mean women should be treated like just another barbie... and pay for it too!

see the convo between me and lori started out with a recap of our weekends. lori mentioned she met a guy at a bday party and they really enjoyed each others company. then he left... without her number. thats when the above mentioned clip started. if it were 20 years ago (i feel like chivalry started to die in the 90s) the guy wouldve not only gotten loris number but also secured a date for the next night. urgent. so (not) urgent, urgent. the urgency that fuels men is gone.

being a 20-something single is actually seen as a good thing. youre not single but independent. free to do what you want. see, men dont get the sympathy "aw, still single?" looks as much as women do as they get older. even now as being a single woman in her late 20s and even early 30s isnt so taboo men dont feel the urgency to claim a woman and chain her down with a big rock.

without that urgency, who needs to schmooze too, right? unless the guy wants to marry you, dont hold your breath waiting for roses or even a door held open for ya. and seriously, why does it take forever for a guy to ask for your number. i have already exchanged 3 emails (each way) with this guy on match and still no "hey lets grab a drink, whats your number?" see, i just asked for a number and that took no thought at all. did brain cells die with chivalry too?

*sorry for the lack of quality. the maj and faj are over and i cant concentrate.
** mike: im sorry to hear about your grandma. hope you and your family are doing well. if you need to talk, im here man. i went through the same thing last year.

special mention... a la le join:
me: whats the point really, of taking of their shirts?
le join: nipple action
girl talkin about making out with boys

le join: somethin old, somethin new, somethin brownie.
describing her ben and jerrys selection

lobster search

ive been thinking about relationships a lot lately. cmon! how could i not since ive been in the blurry lined quotation marked "relationship" purgatory for a few months now. not that im unhappy or anything. ive actually been enjoying my status. mostly bc i know there are new opportunities popping up everywhere. even possibly down the hall - thanks to the spontaneous and outgoing mike the qg... and the lack of wine bottle openers in my new apt... at the time (jamie got me one a few days ago!). le join also says the dog park is crawling with hottie mcHOTsteins so not only will lil gio be getting some booty, but i may be able to swing in a lil for myself too. anyway, enough about me and my possible future rendevous-es (how do you plural-ize that word?), this is about boys and their feelings on relationships.

yes, i wrote just boys and not girls bc we all know about girls and relationships. girls want to be in relationships. no question. they want that constant feeling of being special and who gives them that exclusive feeling? their boyfriends. girls are smart but once they get an inkling of that "im so special" feeling, their brains turn to a gaga mush of useless crap. thats why some stupid hos take back their cheating motherfuckin' boyfriends. example: jersey girl from the bahamas trip. her disgusting boyfriend and daddy of two of her babies, pushed her so hard, her head hit a bathtub, sending her to the emergency room for numerous stitches. dumb ho still took him back AND described the violent incident as an accident. idiot? yes. lesson here my friends: special = stupid. once he makes you feel special, you turn stupid.

now, as for boys and relationships, they constantly say they dont want to settle down. well this is describing most 20 something boys. there is some truth to it, all men are dogs and monogamy is about as difficult to them as much as sitting through a marathon of lifetime movies is. at the same time, i think boys have a more fairytale-ish look at relationships and settling down than girls do. girls are selective no doubt about it, but they definitely dont hesitate when it comes to testing the waters and dating guys. see if theyre fit to be boyfriend material. but when girls are like this medium guy fits pretty well ill take him, i feel like boys are more like, shes a 28/32 girl and i need a 28/30. girls will settle for a good match, whereas guys want a perfect match.

this made me think of a friend of jamies. lets call him dr mcconaughey bc he looks like matthew when his hair is long. anyway, he broke up with this girl (aka surprise party spoiler of the year) and his reason (besides her being the surprise party spoiler of the year) was that he wanted to be single for a while. understandable. hes a pretty good looking guy whos not a complete asshole (as most good looking guys are). he could reel in a boatload of booty if he was on his a-game. jamie even asked him, what if the perfect girl came into your life right now, what would you do? and he replied, "id still want to be single. its just not the right time." well well well, after a few months of single-dom and a trip to michigan, he comes back to new york with a girlfriend (and the girl still being in michigan). yeah man. that was earlier this year. and now, as the end of the year is approaching, the brotha is looking at rings. ha, so not only did he negate his proclamation of singleness but he totally proved my fairytale minded theory. dr mcconaughey has found his lobster and there aint nothing stoppin' him from letting her go.

another example popped up during my lunch today with my friend somina. we were just enjoying our meals and the nice weather on a public bench when the man sitting right by us interrupted our convo. see somina is basically on the verge of receiving a pretty ring on her pretty finger from her long distance boyfriend. (yes! another damn long distance relationship that actually works! theyve been together for 2 years.) anyway, we were talking about settling down early and becoming a housewife or continuing being a career woman. well the man said how he was on a date with a woman last night and how she pretty much just wants to get sperminated... by him of course. oh yeah, he just ever so casually mentioned he was doctor and used to play football. he was mad bc he felt like the woman just wanted him for his genes and not for him. see, men want to feel special too.

i guess men arent just looking for their lobster. they want to be someones special lobster too. we all want to be special crustaceans. right now im just a crabby abby.

special mention:
not just a hat rack my friends.
-joey tribiani

im every woMAN

so mike the qg (quality guy) - he needs a cool name for this blog - gave me a nifty lil book to read not only to keep me occupied while i ride the subway to work but to also possibly make some (dating) life changes. the said book: why men love bitches. funny title but solid 'advice.' pretty much sends the same message as that other book: hes just not that into you.

in hes just not that into you the message is pretty much, if you have any doubt hes just not that into you well then hes just not that into you. youre better off without that dumb bastard. easy breezy. in why men love bitches, the basic message is make him work for it and if he doesnt comply, give him the boot bc someone out there will work for it. why? bc youre AWESOME!

bitch is described in a positive tone. a bitch is a woman who is secure with herself and knows shes the bomb diggity. shes a smart woman who knows how to get what she wants and throws away whoever doesnt want her, without ever looking back. its a feel good book. very empowering. girl power!

as much as it is empowering, its also kinda, well... we're still following the mans rules! still playing his dumb game. theres a mini chapter about being in control while letting the man think hes in control. yaddy yadda. my overall thinking is no matter what we think, the man still has the control bc we're still playing his stupid game. i guess the part that gets me the most upset is the whole sex thing.

no, not gender sex but the deed itself. the horizontal mambo, the knocking of the boots, gettin' your groove on, you know what im talkin about. if a girl has sex with a guy too quickly, she should kiss the possibility of a relationship goodbye. as much as guys want the sex, they want the chase even more. have the sex, the chase is gone... along with the attraction to the girl. men love challenges. theyre naturally competitive folk. thats why they enjoy video games so much. they love any chance to show off their manliness.

of course this got me thinking, if i just held out the sex a little longer with the btj, could our friendship have blossomed into a relationship? i didnt want to dwell on that too much bc there will never be an answer to that question. i cant change whats already been done. i do know that i did want it, probably just as bad as he did, so i shouldnt regret it.

then that got me thinking, is it hard for other women to hold out or do they have fun making the man wait? am i giving in when i have sex with him when i really want it too? am i just a horny bitch (yes a bitch bc i think im pretty secure with myself) or just a woman with a mans mind?

what really made me think that im a woman with a mans mind was what i did yesterday. i woke up knowing that this week was crimson tide week. its amazing how fast 4 weeks fly by. knowing my flow was coming soon i texted the btj and set up a nooner. gotta love nyc and the mta. i just wanted to fit it in just in time. no pun intended... ok it was. and it was just in time as i woke up this morning with a non-surprise from aunt flow. (dontcha love the fact that you know all about my menstrual cycle) so am i crazy horny slut or just a bitch who knows what she wants? and i did get what i want ;) things to ponder, my friends. in the meantime, im gonna finish that book and you can enjoy a clip from one of my fave best worst movies, so i married an axe murder. woman. wo-man. woooooooooooooman!


special mention:
this may be a possible repeat. if it is, i apologize. you know how my memory... where was i going with this?
brenda walsh: whats a nooner?
brandon walsh: it aint breakfast and it aint lunch.

you should be (pole) dancing, yeah!

my legs are killing me today. no no, its not whore cramp legs (although there was a lil of that kinda action goin on too... wink wink) but the pain is from pole dancing! yay. finally got to redeem the bday gift i got for jiller by attending a semi private pole dancing lesson last night. it was a fun hour with lots of observations made along the way.

1. best body - and im not talking about mine or jillers (unless you like big boobs and skinny legs - jiller or modest boobs, even more modest booty and a jelly belly - me). seriously, our instructor wendy had a pretty killer bod. her arms were diesel, belly was like slave 4 u britney except more defined and her booty... dont get me started! if pole dancing gives you a bod like that, sign me up for daily classes stat!
2. pole burn - its like rug burn but from the pole. got a few on my arms and legs while i was attempting to do the swirly move. after a few tries, i finally got it down. if i ever enter an empty subway car, i may just have the urge to swing!
3. climb every mountain... i mean pole - we didnt just learn a few tricks. wendy got down and taught us a mini routine. and routine that ends with a pole climbing pose. elizabeth berkeley better watch out! jiller and i didnt get to advance to actually climbing the entire pole but we managed to get ourselves to the first step which is just getting up there. i learned that getting onto the pole is difficult but once youre up there, its easy to maneuver your bod into like a hot arched back pose... the ending of our routine.

after last nights lesson i not only had a mini urge to install a pole in my new apt but have a new found respect for pole dancers. seriously, that shit hurts. pole burns, pole climbs, and while performing the pain inducing moves theyre maintaining sexy poses and sultry looks. it is tre tre difficult. then again, i always thought if i had to choose between being a stripper and a prostitute, id pick stripper hands down. strippers make just as much money as prostitutes, get great bodies bc theyre bodies are always in motion (like the prostitutes arent moving around, hehe) and the best pro of being a stripper and not a prostitute is... no stds! strippers man. smarter than i thought.

special mention:
everybody looks like jiller!
everbody loves jiller!
that is so true!!!