Saturday, August 28, 2010

tick tock wedding/baby clock - the timeline has been made and given

so we all know the creme de la creme of this blog has been the journey ive had with my man while he was still referred to as the btj. once he became the bf, it was all downhill. why? bc i became happy. lets face it. who wants to read about happy times? we're all suckers for other peoples misery. yeah, we're all going to hell, except most of us are jewish (theres no hell in judaism) so ok, we can continue on enjoying other people's misery.
anyway, i am in no way miserable - would i still be with my man after 4+ unofficial/3+ official years? - but i certainly have a new issue to complain about. after 4 or 3 years together which includes living in 4 different apts (one in bk!), of course you know what the "issue" is - wheres the rock? you know me, ive always prided myself in NOT being a normal girl, if i was, i wouldve been bugging my man for a ring 2 years ago (which wouldve immediately been followed by him saying "peace out" and me writing on this blog daily about why guys are immature assholes). but since i waited 8 months to get the "girlfriend" title, i also knew that asking for the bigger title of "fiance" which eventually becomes "wife" would take a bit longer. its cool, im patient... and also smart. i know my man and pressure will only lead to explosion. i knew i had to approach this topic lightly. very very very lightly.
honestly, the ring didnt become an issue for me until recently. these past few years ive been with my man, we've been to quite a number of weddings. not one of these events made me think, "these bitches are getting married, why arent we?" bc all the couples whos weddings we've gone to have been together longer than my man and i have. man, have we been to weddings. just out of curiosity, here is the fun list of friends weddings and what theyre up to now:
  • nick and georgia - has a baby on the way
  • cheryl and marc - just had a baby boy
  • jordana and scott - living in florida with their twin baby girls
  • cheryl and jimmy - chilling in their cute house on li
  • jamie and mike (best wedding ever!) - baby boy on the way!
  • lauren and mike (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - also pregs
  • diane and brian - created the gor-geous lady z
  • carrie and carlos (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - have a baby girl
  • lauren and shaun (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - shes prob enjoying their joint bank account. i kid... maybe
  • rachel and jon (a team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - prob waiting 'til lauren and mike (the girls are sisters) give birth to their little one to start on their own brood
  • jennie and ray - didnt go to their wedding :( but they got twin boys on the way!
  • melfur and rich - she wants a bun in her oven, like yesterday
  • jiller and tom - patiently waiting for their fun wedding video... we all are :)
  • gayle and chris - the wedding is in november!
crappers thats a LOT of weddings but no, not a one of these gave me the "i need a ring NOW!" heebie jeebies, tingles, devil eyes, etc... what finally made me realize, i gotta get moving on this ring train was a combo of things.
for one, seeing couples who have been together less than my man and i have getting engaged - like jiller and jamers college friend leah who got a rock less than a year of dating her now fiance - definitely got my eyebrows raised and the wheels upstairs to start turning. im no cold-hearted biatch. when a friend of mine gets engaged, i am genuinely happy for her. especially if shes in a good solid relationship. however, if the guys a scumbug, i smile and aw at the ring, and then i go home and talk shit about it to my man.
second thing is the time i spend with my gor-geous niece zoe. aaaaah, zazzie makes me want a gor-geous baby of my own. i say this as i take my birth control pill religiously! duh i dont want one right now. how can we raise a baby when my man and i live in a studio apt and are still on a wallet diet? but i wanna know that it is in the future, the near future.
oh yeah, the other ingredient in this "get me a ring" combo is my upcoming birthday. this year, i turn officially old. when the biological starts ticking, real real loud. when i ask my gyno at every appt i have with her if my box is still capable of producing and carrying a healthy beautiful bun. its funny how in your 20s you go to the gyno to make sure your box stays bun-less, and now its all, can i make 'em and how much time do i have a left?
yeah i always get the "youre next" comments whenever someone gets a ring. and usually that crap doesnt bother me. but after i had a weekend full of "youre next"'s and "what the hell is taking your man so long"'s followed by a fateful email from cosmo (shut up! i dont take their articles seriously. i read them as entertainment, not advice. i swear!), a lightbulb went on in my head and a timeline spewed out of my mouth.
so the email from cosmo was titled "when to give him the ultimatum" and obv, i opened the email. i first thought the article was gonna be about the girlfriend title ultimatum but then i realized, most relationships dont start like my man and i's aka an ultimatum. the ultimatum the article was talking about was the ultimatum, the ring ultimatum. oy. even someone up there was like, "um get a move on you fatass." and then i heard g-star's voice saying "you gotta give them a nudge bc men are morons. just do the math backwards and then tell him what you want." hers was the most reasonable voice to listen to. good solid advice from my old "smoke smoke and die" buddy.
so i started doing math. i knew fo sho that i wanted my favorite child to be our second and be born in the year of the monkey bc thats exactly what i am: the second child, born year of the monkey, and the favorite (well at least im the faj's fave, i know majs heart only belongs to the brosef). so the year of the monkey is 2016. i also know i want the kids to be at least 2 years apart, so the first bun has got to be baking (hehe, baking and baking. exactly and probably) in 2014 the latest but ideally 2013. so the wedding would have to be in 2012 which leads to the ring in 2011 - we all know it takes about a year to plan a wedding.
thats exactly what i told my man. "if you like then you shoulda put a ring on it." ha! like i would ever approach this topic by singing beyonce. and no, that song will NOT be on our "must play" list. will most likely end up on the "do not play or the bride will walk off the dance floor" list. and yes, i have started that list already. im a woman. of course i have.
i gave my man the timeline and his reaction was not as explosive as i thought it would be. it was actually pretty calm and he actually said, thats a reasonable timeline. however he did also say, the thought of marriage still scares him which sent me in an emotional downward spiral and out the door to take a walk in central park to clear my thoughts. oy, ive only been that upset 1 other time before that but we wont get into that. ill just say if i ever see that gummy skinny slut again she is deader than dead.
so thats where we're at right now. still gf/bf but the timeline is now made and said. whenever people asked me when "our time" will be, i always answered with, "hes still in school so probably when hes done." and the timeline still follows that answer. my man will be done with school in 2011 and with his computer science degree, hes gonna be superstar! i totally believe in my man. i believe in him so much that i wanna work in the hr dept at his successful future job bc women love success and well, i aint gonna let no ho take my man. i have no prob cuttin a bitch. oy, i am turning more and more jersey everyday.