faith in fate

match.com, jdate, friendster, myspace, hell even craigslist. why do we have to know? why are we in such a rush? do we have to have control over every little aspect in our life? have we lost the patience to let life just be? ive thought about jumping on the online dating bandwagon. i know im a kickass person. seriously i rock, but on paper i dont look so hot: mainly the part where i still live with my parents. even if i didnt have some of my "unattractiveness on paper" i still cant bring myself to search for my true love, or even a random night of booty via the internet. it used to be for superficial reasons: how can i tell people i met him through ____.com??? but ive thrown that reason out the window. i actually know someone who is on the verge of an engagement (it was his very first match.com date too), and ive heard of successful jdate marriage stories. but why? why do we have to actively search? why cant we just let fate takes its course and have it bring that special someone to us?

ive never been religious. i used to call myself religiously confused. can you blame me? a little girl growing up in a korean house in the middle of jewtown, usa. even my korean house was religiously confused. when most (or all 3) of the koreans in my town were going to church, my paternal grandparents were active buddhists. my mother sent us kids to church for a few months. those months were pretty much a blur of spending my sunday afternoons sitting through sermons i didnt understand and donating a dollar into the baskets that were passed around. (no joyful, joyful or even oh happy day bust outs here). ive been to a buddhist temple with my grandparents too but again, i felt like a lost soul. ive had friday night shabbat dinners and even been to temple the next morning with my childhood friend gena u. my love for bar/bat mitzvahs is huge but not as big as my love for challah bread and latkes. mmmm, bring on the applesauce. but im not jewish. not yet anyway. hehe. jk. maybe.

im not religiously confused. not anymore. i like to think im religiously independent. i do believe in god or a higher power. no doubt. but when it comes to disciples and births, rebirths and struggles, i just dont care. why does your faith have to have a story? why cant people just believe that things will be all right? my faith is in fate. the whole "everything happens for a reason" mantra is the one i believe in. good things, bad things, funny things, sad things, all have reasons as to why they happened. the funny part about fate is the reasons never show up right away. life is a whole novel of lessons. you have to live it to understand the answers.

im not saying ill never put myself out on the internet. i have this blog, and a profile on myspace and friendster, so i guess i already have put myself "out there." will i ever take it a step further and sign up on an actual dating service? probably not. love lives are complicated and since im already a pretty complex person, you could only imagine how confusing mine could be. the aim asked me what my type was and i honestly couldnt give her a straight answer. what girl cant answer this question?! its so simple: jamie likes the boring jewish boys with a good (financial) future ahead of him, the aim likes the ex frat boy jews with a sensitive and creative side. whats my type? i could only give aim a few characteristics/qualities: tall, good teeth, sense of humor, easy on the eyes, not an annoying moron. wheres the long line of men waiting oustide my door?

every girl struggles with finding a boy but i think i struggle a little more. yeah, im kickass and i can probably join match.com and have a slew of messages in my inbox (sounds conceited but dont get excited). i am slightly different than my friends though: im asian. dont spread that too much. when a girl is wondering "does he like me" im wondering "does he like me for me or because hes a freak with an asian fetish?" hmmm. maybe thats why theres no line of men outside my door. because i speak english fluently and give off the "i respect myself enough to not be a submissive obedient ho to any guy who looks my way" vibe. when a girl is worrying about finding some weird porn in a guys room, im worried about finding his extensive kung fu dvd collection.

maybe this is fate. its fate waiting for me to get over (or deal better with) this "every guy who likes me is wrong because he probably has an asian fetish" attitude. so im trusting fates handy sidekick time and just letting it take its course. i dont need "mr right" at this very moment but someone throw me a "mr right now". or even a "mr only for a few days". i dont care. just send me a mister. ill be waiting patiently. ive got faith. faith in fate.