Monday, November 26, 2007

dog... i mean bf training

its funny how about 2 years ago, i compared men to dogs and this year, im really starting to see a resemblance. i think im lucky that im my bf's first gf and vice versa. we get to learn things together. the sad thing is, i know a lot more than he does about this relationship crap so when i have to train him, it sometimes feels like im with a puppy. i even called him a puppy once and he shrieked a lil bc thats what his mom used to call him (must be his big brown eyes!). ah, some things never change.

anyway, this was about teaching my man limits. now, ive prided myself in using the invisible fence with my man instead of a short leash bc i see women who carry short leashes as just bossy bitches with low self esteems. im no fool. i let my man look. i know aint nothing i can do or look like thats gonna stop him. thats why we have a very honest relationship. we tell each other everything. id rather know who hes looking at (gives me extra info on what type of hos to kill!) than have him sneaking around. but this non sneaking around has kinda sorta backfired. he almost thinks like a catholic in a sense: do something bad but its ok bc you confessed to it. ah, that shit dont fly past me. you 'sin' and you PAY!

so my man had my mind in a mini overdrive a few weeks ago. long story short (or as short as i can make it) he a had friend from the military come home for a week. this friend has a younger sister (we'll call her fireslut bc shes a red-head and i dont like her) that my man crushed on and went on a date with a few years ago. anyway, so when this friend first got home for a weeklong visit, we went over to his fam home to say hello and all that jazz. fireslut was flirting away with my man. i chalked it up to just not having seen each other in a while-friendly chatter. the night before the friend left, a big group of people met up a bar to bid him adieu. i figured id give the fireslut the benefit of the doubt, maybes shes just a flirty girl. well, the ho was singling out my man again! does she not about the crazy scorpio sneaky korean wrath?! anyway, obv my man went home with me and left fireslut in the nasty dust where she belongs. bitch!

so i survived a mini hs reunion of sorts for my man but i knew he had another one coming up: thanksgiving eve. i know in most towns its like that but his town has a freakin ritual, its nauseating. to say the least, i was nervous. i know my man loves me but he is a man and if a ho works at it/him enough, his head (below the belt) will take over his head (above the shoulders). ah brain, BE STRONG!

another long story short (or ill try my best to shorten it) my man went out and saw a cute blonde who went to the same hs but was a few years younger. throughout the night he saw his short friend, lets call him shorty, hitting on this chick. he knew his friend just wanted to get laid and felt almost (like a) protective (brother) over this blonde ho. so (mistake number 1) my man offers this bitch a ride home if she doesnt want to leave with shorty. much to my surprise (NOT!) bitch accepts my mans offer and he drives her home. when they get to her house he says, "if i didnt have a gf, this is when id ask you for your number." now. what do you think he did? lets guess mistake number 2:
a. said, "fuck it!" and went into the backseat to do the nasty
b. kicked the ho out of the car and regretted even driving her home
c. exchanged phone numbers
ok, if he chose answer a. you wouldve read an obituary about a pretty blonde from jewville, jersey followed by a 5 page story on a crazy murder of an adulterous bastard. so no, a. was not the answer. i wish b. was the answer but if it was, i wouldnt be writing this right now. yup, he did c. exchanged fuckin numbers with this slutbong piece of shit.

now, he was telling me this 'wonderful' story while we were driving my from apt back to his. it was late at night and im so thankful for that bc the darkness hid the fact that i was using all my strength to hold back tears. well his puppy dog instincts kicked in and he knew he was in trouble. he even asked, "omg. are you gonna break up with me?" he knows infidelity is the one deal breaker thats no questions asked but this so fell into the rachel/ross blurry line that obv i wasnt gonna be so rash about it.

being the calm mama that i am, i explained to him why this made me so upset.
mistake #1: offering the slut a ride home. why did he feel compelled to be 'protective' of her? hes not her guardian. shes a big girl. if shes a slut that night, thats her decision, not his.
mistake #2 (which could have been avoided if he didnt make mistake #1!): exchanging numbers. WHA?!?! WHY?!?! that move is a total lose-lose bc it makes me look like an unwanted gf and him look like a sleazy scumbag. she might be thinkings hes taking another chicks number as a backup. plus, girls are competitive bitches and she just got a one up on a gf shes never met.

so i gave him a basic (and what i thought was common sense) rule to follow: dont do anything that you wouldnt want me to do. would he have wanted me to offer some guy a ride home? prob not. would he have been cool with me exchanging numbers with said guy. i would hope not. so has been his one 'pass' but im looking at it as a lesson. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me... or buh-bye you f-in bastard!

special mention:
my bro got into a car accident while making a left turn (the girl going straight hit his car). his reaction about a half hour later...
rich: now that i think about it, this is how james dean died.
me: he was making a left turn?
rich: nah. he was going straight.
me: that is the best post-accident line ive ever heard.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

the l train beat my face

literally. check out the pic:

and that was taken a day after the incident. seriously, a lil trip turned into one of the most traumatic commuting experiences of my life.

so i woke up tuesday with a fun agenda for the day. go to work, meet le join after work at forever 21 to burn a lil hole in the gift card dee and bri got me for my bday, then to my mans bk crib. well, none of that happened.

i got dressed for the day and proceeded to the l train to get myself to work at a decent time. ive been trying to get in earlier and i especially wanted to get to my cube early so i could leave at a normal time for some shopping.

with the fun day ahead of me, i walked to the l train in a pretty good mood. so i swiped my card and proceeded down the steps. for the past few weeks, everytime i would walk down a flight a stairs (which happens everyday as the mta in my main mode of transportation) i felt like i was about to fall. of course the one time i didnt get that uneasy feeling, BLAM! well, it was more like, bum bum bum bum whoaaa bum bum bum bum BANG. the bums is my legs sliding down a half flight of steps and the last BANG is my face hitting the handrail. yes, my face! the most surprising thing is that two girls stopped and stayed with me for a few mins. of course the first words outta my mouth was, "hows my nose?"

one of the girls said, "its not bleeding" which was followed by, "oh no, it is bleeding." cruisazy crazy. i was terrified id broken the beautiful nose ive had for 11 years. ah. i let the girls go when i saw the train coming. no use in having them late to their jobs. i had to sit for awhile and gather whatever composure i had left in me. an mta employee came up to me and asked if id like an ambulance. i declined. im a tough chica. besides, even though i have insurance, i really didnt want to deal with another bill.

so i got up and went outside to call my bosses. there was no way i was going to work today. i almost broke my most precious posession. maybe its bc aunt flo was coming to town but i started crying when i got on the phone. it was raining, my nose was bleeding, a station full of people saw me surf the stairs, and i had a bump on my face that was growing with each passing second. ok fine, my crying was justifiable.

thankfully, my bosses were totally understandable and told me to go home and stay home. and im great at following orders so thats exactly what i did. i went home and iced my face. i was literally too frightened to look at myself until i got home. im so glad i live in nyc. in any other city, id be a freak. in this one, i just looked like a regular.

most people know this story already but i thought i would document it. damn. it was tre tre tre traumatic. but really, what really compelled me to write this was the fact that i have a special mention. my bro gave me the best quote ever. obv, he did NOT have a quasimodo week like i have had.

special mention:
rich: i look so good i dont even look asian.

after buying new clothes

Sunday, November 04, 2007

video games vs me

guess whos winning? im so embarassed by the score yet these numbers are what compelled me to write about this. video games: 7, me: 3. only m-f'in 3!!! i even confronted the bastard about my sinking numbers and his response, "hon, im not a machine." well since he is NOT a machine, thats what i had to resort to for a few days. biatch. what mama wants, mama gets.

how silly of me to think that his vidiot time would start to dwindle when, after suffering three long and painful months of ghetto killing and stealing, my man had told me he finally beat grand theft auto san andreas. yes! no more, "im broad. im broad. im broader than broadway!" i never thought this glorious day would come.

argh. but its two weeks later and hes already found another mind numbing game to waste hours on. hours! hours of precious time he could be using on me! like right now. we're both in bed but hes got a freakin ps2 controller in his hands and ive got a keyboard under mine. not how i thought id be spending my lazy sunday afternoon.

ive decided i need a second tv in my apt. a much smaller one. (took a 20 hour break. my man caught me writing this and then my mood went from foul to happy. im so weak!) for him to resort to when his vidiot arm starts itching. then i can watch my glorious shows that he refuses to 'sit through' or spasms at after a period of time that can last from 30 seconds to 15 minutes. yeah. 15 minutes is the longest hes been able to take it.

did fate know id fall in love with a stubborn bastard? it trained me my whole life to be patient and to put the ones i love before me. life is ironic too bc the stubborn bastard is also the one whos been teaching and encouraging me to stand up for myself. to go for what i want. to put my foot down. i dont think he realized id be putting my foot down on him ;)

nah. i love the man. he loves me too. i know he never wants to hurt me. when he caught me writing this (i still havent told him about this blog. im not sure if i should although i do get urges sometimes.) he actually read the last two lines (damn his lasik. hes got like super-vision) and was like, "if somethings bothering you, i want you to tell me." i couldnt stay angry for long. im such a softie. and my numbers have gone up since i started writing this. im a scorpio. i need high numbers.