Thursday, October 27, 2005

halloween ho-liday

halloween. a day of tricks and treats, spooks and scares. the most critical part of this holiday is the costumes. no matter what age you are, what youre "gonna be" for halloween is a big deal, sometimes an ordeal, for the whole month of october. its amazing that as girls costumes are probably made with more material than womens costumes. as we grow up, we turn from innocent to downright slutty. even nerdy bookworms bring out their inner skank this one night of the year. so in the spirit of jamies upcoming "halloween extravaganza" here are three basic costumes each with what i wouldve worn when i was a sweet (i even had a high pitched voice back in the day, pre ben stein monotony) innocent little girl and what i would wear now:

glenda the good witch - yeah. i even wore pink back in the day. its girly, pink, comes with crown and wand so this is like a little girls dream come true costume. i totally wouldve rocked this with a matching pink trick or treat bag/bucket. the pink dress gives off cuteness but the crown and wand shows power. trick or treat bitch give me all your caaandy. loves it.

bedrock witch - maybe ill wear this next year. if you put this dress on the same girl above, it would probably cover the same amount of skin as the pink dress. thats what skanks can do: wear the same clothes from elementary school and kinda pull it off. would i ever wear a dress remotely like this one on a regular night out? probably not but did i think twice about this being a possible costume for next year? nope. what is it about halloween that makes girls wanna dress like hos?

dorothy - another innocent character. the pigtails, the basket, the toto, the shoes. ruby red shoes. who doesnt want a pair of shiny ruby red shoes? dorothy doesnt have a wand but shes got a basket and a dog. and pigtails can make any girl adorable. who doesnt want to be the adorable when theyre young? hell, i want to be adored right now. ah, young dorothy, full clothed. completely innocent. if you change the ruby reds to black mary janes, and replace the pigtails for a thick white headband, youve got yourself next years costume: alice (in wonderland).

do-whore-thy - this could possibly be the same costume as above, just add skank ass thigh-highs. and this, like above, can be alice next year, just change shoes. so a little girl with pigtails seems to be so adorable and innocent. whats a twenty something with pigtails usually perceived to be: a kinky submissive slut. someones been a bad girl... the thigh highs are also very skankdalous.

cheer girl - i dont know about you, but ive always wanted to be a cheerleader. the cheering, the dancing, the fun pleated skirt, the pom poms. and lets face it, when you hear cheerleader, you think fun popular girl. i was definitely dressed as a cheerleader when i was a wee little elementary school student. i think mine was baby blue. i was hot.

cheer ho - sad thing is, this could very well be a college cheerleading uniform. the sadder thing is is if i had a flat, flabless belly, id probably wear it. a young cheerleader is a cute little all american. a teen/college cheerleader is just a dumb ho with a nice tight body. notice the pigtails on this one too. kinky slut but this ones got moves youve never seen.

cheer goth - probably what i wouldve worn when i was in middle school. middle school is definitely the worst years of any childs life because its a persons ugliest years and most confusing. everyday feels like death. this wouldve been the perfect uniform when i was a cheerleader back in high school. our football team sucked. big time.

so as a guy tries to come up with a hilarious costume that will get him a comment or two, girls are trying to figure out how to be creatively slutty. or how to make a boring thing slutty and wear it. halloween is the official bring out your inner skank holiday for girls who are 13/14(they start young these days, and if you have parents who just dont care, 10/11) - 30 (give or take a few years depending on how well a girl has kept her body in shape). what am i gonna be this year? a cat... a slutty cat. i only have a few more years left to unleash my inner skank but i will be a ho for life. mickey ps!

pictures courtesy of


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