Tuesday, March 31, 2009


i try to live a calm life. i try to be zen as much as possible. i mind my own business and just go about my day. but lately, lately ive been angry. so angry that my whole body trembles. i get the shakes bc my body has never had to deal with this much hostility. its def not used to the anger (or lack of the usual "dealing with the crazy fam" remedy - withdrawal day 7!). whenever i would get verbally abused by my fam (which would be daily) i would deal with it my clouding my mind. before i discovered the wonderful clouds, i would deal with it by getting upset. id actually listen and believe what those crazy bitches said about me. im worthless. im stupid. im a bitch. well thank goodness i found my brain (and my backbone).

so im pissed at the bitch whose abuse drove me to 2 years of therapy (and i probably need more too): dee. shes a dumb bitch who should keep her mouth shut and her nose out of other peoples business. she criticized the way ive been handling the sitch with le join (read the post below if you dont know what im talking about). i know, i know. the trips down to doto arent exactly back-breaking but an extra place to stop by after a full day of work isnt exactly a cakewalk either. im tired (and this withOUT youknowwhat).

i actually had the day off yesterday (monday). had a drs appt on li and then spent the rest of the day with my parents. the faj dropped me off at the 7 train after a quick visit to my grandma. so i finally got back into the city around the same time i wouldve gotten home from work. then i got a call from le join. she just got off of work too. i knew she was exhausted. since she got a second job, shes been working 7 days a week. i used to work 6 days a week (remember my sundays helping out maj and faj) so i feel her pain. still, i gotta be a p.o. stick to my guns and my rules.

the night before (sunday) i stopped by and the place was a mess. thats a broken rule. apt must be clean. but i let it slide. i gave her til tomorrow (monday) to have the apt clean. i couldve just kicked her to the curb (which was part of the agreement). so when le join called me to let me know she just got off from work, she also mentioned the apt was only half clean. so i said well i wont go straight to you right now, ill chill with my man and come down later. have the apt cleaned by then. i thought that was fair. and honestly, if the place was still a mess but i saw an effort when i got there, i wouldve let it slide again.

well, i never made it down to doto as expected. no, i got interrupted by a text message from miss dee. and this is the text message verbatim:
I know you have jo on lock down but she's crying here. She just got off of work. Maybe u should slow it down with drill sgt. She says she will clean.

not wanting to go the same route my fam goes down every time they want to talk to someone (which is going to everyone but the person they have a prob with) i went straight to the source. i called le join. was she crying? no. did she sound upset? no. did we have a civil call? i think so. but then hitler herself had to get on the phone to YELL at me. "DONT YOU THINK YOURE BEING A BITCH TO BOTH JO AND ME?" i responded with i might be being a bitch to you but i dont think i was to jo. too bad i dont know if she even heard my response bc she hung up. thats typical. that cuntrag always has to have the last word. and yes, i used the c-word. bc well, she really is one.

honestly, that bitchout was the last straw. i was feeling exhausted and almost wanted to nap right before i got that text message. so after being yelled a BITCH, i couldnt handle it anymore. and i cried. ok, thats an understatement. i BAWLED. big tears, lost breath, body shakes, the whole nine. a suicidal line even slipped out of my mouth. i just wanted to give up. i felt betrayed by le join (was she crying and then playing it off when i called?*) and i wanted to wring dees neck. i truly believe every single word that comes out of that whores mouth is projection. a bitch? me? does she think shes looking in the mirror when she sees me bc thats the only way she can call me that. f-in ho.

of course my man was beside me the entire time. and it killed him. bc as soon as i got off the phone, he put his jacket on to go down to doto and bitch the crap outta my sister (actually, he wanted to "burn her house down" - the quotes are there bc thats exactly what he said). but i didnt let him. my parents are kinda strange about that. my man sticking up for me against my sisters. he did that once before and my parents lectured me saying in sitches like that, my man shouldve stuck up for my sisters and told me to be nicer. what?!?! my man needs to learn how to say "devil" in korean so he can correctly explain what we're dealing with.

anyway, after the tears dried up (which was about an hour later) my man knocked some sense into me. i let it sink in. and i think it worked bc this morning, i woke up empowered. ready to kick some ass and take some names (even though i know it already: deemian). even though i felt right and powerful, im still trembling. not sure why. is it the overburst of emotions? or withdrawal? or lack of food... from the lack of appetite (from the withdrawal - best diet!) of course. im not my sister. i dont have or ever had an eating disorder. anyhoo, going down to doto tonight. ill be civil to le join. if i see dee, i dont know how ill be. preggers or not, she would be a nosy bitch no matter what. she cant use that baby as an excuse. that poor kid. hostility is probably already seeping into him/her.

*spoke to le join - she had no idea what the fuck that conniving cunt was doing. dee came upstairs while le join was cleaning the apt and saw le joins tired face. then that evil wench sent me that scathing text message while telling le join all she wrote to me was "shes tired. be easy on her." after dee yelled at me, she left the apt and le join was standing there astonished at what just happened. she told me she cried bc she knew what dee did probably hurt me which was the last thing she wanted to happen since she herself has been working her ass off to make up for the big boo boo that has already caused me distress.

backstory: i asked that dumb ho last week to not use wee wee pads when she drops off her 3 year old dog at my apt since i would like it to not smell like urine when my man and i move in in 5 weeks. (yes he still uses wee wee pads bc that lazy piece of shit doesnt walk him.) then she asked me to drive in my car but when i told her i wasnt going to bend over backwards so she can fuck me in the ass... i mean park the car in the city (which is pretty much the same as anal rape), she was not the happiest biatch and i ended up not bringing it in. that stupid ho was looking for any excuse to bitch at me, even if it meant using jo as the bait which she probably was happy about too. that thing is pure evil. she.is.evil. el diablo.

Friday, March 27, 2009

tough love is... tough

i love the quote "success is like farts, only your own smell good" but honestly, if youre successful but the ones around you arent, its hard to be all, "party time. excellent." its kind of how i feel about my life right now. me, myself, im doing awesome. not only do i have a kickass bf but our relationship is pretty f-in stellar too, i have a job that i actually enjoy going to, and i have a condo that im about to move into with my awesome bf. whats to complain about, right?

although my life is on track, the people around me either get shit on or shit on me. yes. shit.on.me. so dee, my older sis, got laid off in january. losing a job sucks. losing a job while preggers, that sucks more. im not worried about her too much though. dee may be a LOT of things, fortunately some of those things include being a mover and a shaker. in these disgusting economic times, i know she'll find work, even if she has to threaten someone to get it (which may be how it gets done).

so yeah, dees sitch is sad but it doesnt affect me. there are 2 people though, that do affect my life. my bf is obv 1 of those people but ill get to explaining his sitch after i vent about the 1st person: le join. obv, le join and i havent had the greatest relationship since living in the city. if you dont know what im talking about, you can read this, this, and this to refresh your memory. there are actually a LOT more of those but im too lazy to look for them right now. so le join has treated me like crap and i took it bc shes my sister and im always the bigger person. plus, whenever i would try to get help from my parents, they would ALWAYS pull out the pity card for her. she has nothing, help her. well, le join got herself into a sitch that even my parents cant help her out of. why does this affect me? bc its actually my name and my credit that she f-ed big time. the faj was so furious he was (and still is) looking for ways to put le join in jail. jail. kept asking my bro-in-law if they can throw her in the slammer for 6 months. yeah, and the faj is the nice parent. crazy.

so what did our lil chef with the big 'tude do? she decided to just forget the maintenance bills for oh, 3 months. yes the maintenance bills that are under my name bc it is my apt. yes the apt that i do not live in. the apt that i pay a mortgage for every month while she gets to live in in a luxe building for under $1000 a month. that ungrateful ho decided to shit in my face by neglecting the bills and spending her money on booze and ciggies. while i spend almost 3 times as much as she does a month and dont even get to reap the benefits. yeah so i feel awesome bathing in her shit. fan-flippin-tastic!

so i found out this lovely news about 2 weeks ago, on a wednesday night (i actually started to write this blog last week but ive either been too busy or too heated to finish). dee and bri got some crazy late fee on their maintenance bill so they asked le join if she had the same prob. le join kinda blew off that question and if you know miss dionne, if she doesnt get a straight answer from you, she'll go and get the damn answer herself. which is what she did. she went up to the apt and opened the bill. thats when she discovered the way past due date and way way way large charges. oh, a fuming i was. even joe e tata couldnt calm me down. my whole body was trembling. that f-in bitchass selfish dumb ungrateful irresponsible two-faced cuntrag piece of shit! she got the f-in golden treatment from me and this is how she treats me back. bitch.is.dead.

so the next night dee and i had dinner together with a friend and then went back to do to... with le join in the complete dark bc if she didnt open the bills for the past 3 months she def did not open the current bill. after dinner, dee and i headed down to talk to le join (aka rip her a new and very deserved asshole). i said even though she shit in my face i still dont want to gang up on her so i had dee talk first, and then leave so i could have my words with jo alone. so dee talked to le join (had to vent about her cruel cruel neglect on gio... the nerve!) and then she left. then i let le join explain herself before giving her the ground rules.

le join said she knows what she did was wrong but she felt like she had to rebel bc she lived in the city but never really lived in the city. so i said, well youre gonna pay for this bill and i dont care if you have to suck cock on 42nd st to do it. like i said, i was fuming. i gave her til the 31st to pay it and left.

the next night (friday) less than 24 hours i had my talk with le join, i get a text from dee: shes out already. the cuntrag is OUT?!?! i just finished wiping her shit off my face and then she does it again?!?! if i were a cartoon character, straight up steam wouldve been coming outta my ears followed by my entire head blowing off. is.she.SERIOUS?!?! not that i was gonna go out that night anyway, i planned on going to bed early, waking up early and going down to do to to catch that dumb ho in bed with her new boy toy. oh i was heated and i was a planning a f-in beatdown!

since i went to bed early, i woke up around 4am to find a text from le join herself at 1:15 am telling me her boy toy is sleeping over. she really is a complete moron. not only did she do something so wrong, the timing was so so so bad and she f-in gives me proof and admits that she went out. the only good thing was, i didnt have to go down to do to early. bitch already proved that she was out. moron.

so i got out of bed sat morning and to plan my vicious kick out. yes. kicking the bitch out! if her boy was still there, i was gonna be civil and tell him to leave. then i was gonna grab that ho by the hair, maybe let her brush her teeth, go to the bank and make her take out money to give me, then walk to the subway and demand for her keys. then i was gonna say, "good luck getting into a homeless shelter with your precious louis vuitton (which was supposed to be mine btw)" and just walk down to the subway.

obv, since i kept using the word "was" thats not how things went down. so i get to the apt and homegirl is alone in bed. so there was no boy i needed to kick out. but le join was still sleeping and i came to the apt around 1pm. so i went into her bag and took her keys. already, my plan was a changing. then i got the ridiculous bill and took another look at it. the amount we thought she owed was just the overdue balance. i scrolled my eyes down to the very bottom and the actual total that is due is way more than the overdue balance. girl is not just f-ed but shes doubly f-ed. after seeing the new grand total, i re-thought kicking her out. yeah, that dumb ho needs to learn a lesson but this bill also needs to get paid. i know its gonna be difficult for her to pay it as it is, it would be impossible to pay it off if she was homeless.

so i let her stay but put her on lockdown. the lovely apt she so ungratefully lived in for the past 3 years is now her jail cell. see, faj did get what he wanted. i have her atm card (and pin) and will have it until the entire debt is paid off. she will get a visit from me everyday but it will be a different time each day. i may stop by alone, i may be with my man or i might just bring a whole posse. the apt has to be spotless every time i stop by. if she is not in the apt when i get there she has a 20 min window to get there. oh and my fave last minute addition is the boy toy is not allowed in the apt. hes a scumbag who forgot to mention he has a gf back at home.

even though le join has shit in my face time and time again i still cant bear to see her all alone. the entire fam is anti-le join. so yeah, i got affected the most from her ridiculously stupid actions yet i have the most sympathy for her. its actually kinda hard for me to be so tough on her but ive realized that my support all these years has actually hurt her bc shes become a ridiculously stupid moron from it.

its been 2 weeks since this fiasco started and le join has been following the rules. obv that is some improvement from her part but she still has a lot of growing up to do - its like she expects a freakin gold star for saying no when people ask her to go out for drinks. wow, what an accomplishment. she said no. if she thinks thats tough, homegirl is in for a rude awakening, its called life.

i just hate that i have to be the parent. so where have my parents been. only after i pleaded with them to go see her in person and talk to her they finally made it down to do to and saw her. that was this past monday. after a full week of this crap. i mean, come ON! its so obvious to everyone else. this boo boo she made was a LOUD cry for help or attention from my parents. she even said it out loud to me: i hear what youre saying and it makes sense but i need to hear that from mom and dad. doesnt that make you wanna cry. i teared up a lil just typing it.

anyway, enough about le join, now onto my man - the bf. it was tough for me to be tough on le join, how do i bring on the tough love to my man, my love, my bf. you know my life mantra, treat others the way you want to be treated. so i put myself in my mans sitch and treated him the way i would want to be. what would i want if i was unemployed? unconditional love and support. which is exactly what ive been giving him. oh and my patience too. and honestly, it wasnt hard to do that at all. it was pretty effortless.

im a big daydreamer. always was and still am. ive been daydreaming about moving back to do to with my man for quite some time. and well, with my sister being preggers and it feels like everyone is popping out a baby this year, my mind couldnt help itself and daydream about the future. having kiddies with my man. yet theres a big gaping hole in my dream. what does my man do? how are we affording living this beautiful life with our gorgeous children (yes i said gorgeous bc you know our genes mixed together is gonna be whoa!). seriously, this daydream looks more like a bad commercial for credit card debt (minus the bad pirate outfit and cheesy yet unbelievable catchy tune).

as tough and strong as my man is, hes just as fra-gi-le. i couldnt even talk to him about his sitch for a while and had to resort to email (i know. again?!) to get all my feelings and thoughts out to him. that was a few weeks ago. we now actually talk and hes finally doing something. but its a struggle everyday. not between us (dont get the wrong idea). but i know its a struggle for him everday. to face his sitch and to deal with it. i try to help out by giving him agendas for the day or even just a few tasks to tackle. hopefully something will be intact (whether its school or work) by the time we move to do to... which is about a month from now.

im praying things will be sunnier in a month. my man and i already planned the layout of the new and improved do to. and yes, we will have a housewarming party. i never had one when i lived with jo. and i told jo exactly why we never had one, bc the apt never felt like mine. she treated me like crap and took over the apt. thats why im doubly excited about moving back in. bc i get to do whatever i... er i mean we want to do . me and my man. and we figured out a way to have 2 tvs! yes!!! i finally get to watch my real housewives or gossip girl without any obnoxious eye rolls or rude grunts and he gets to be a vidiot without any time restrictions.

the future is bright, although the road leading to it may be a bit bumpy. i got my seatbelt on, im ready to roll!

Monday, March 02, 2009

im exception-al

so le join turned 25 last month. and even though weve been living in the city since 2006, le join finally started to enjoy the city life this year. 2009. yeah, of course she waits til the last 4 months of do to time for her... come may 1st, the glorified dorm room will turn into a glorious studio for a very adorable domestic couple ;) so this weekend, my lil sis got some much needed booty. and who did she call for advice? me. since the booty didnt come from a boyfriend, le join needed some 101 on 20-something nyc dating aka the booty call era.

i got the usual questions: does he like me? does he not like me? is he into me? oh and a new one: is he into me enough? doesnt the last question kinda negate the entire book? the whole books point was pretty black and white. hes into you. hes not into you. not, hes into you 45%. rehashing her tale reminded me of my own tale and i realized im that girl. the girl that your cousins friends sister knows. you know, the girl that everybody (or the book) says doesnt exist.

my man was actually with me and le join when we were talking about the beginning of my relationship with my man and the whole into you-ness. ha. i turned to him and said, "you werent that into me" and he replied (like such a man) he wasnt into commitment. and when you find that exact answer in the book, youll see that our relationship would never be.

and that is why i think my relationship with my man is awesome. its like a miracle! ha. i think it works so well bc we NEVER followed any rules or played any games. we called each other when we wanted to and never waited a day or 3 to hang out. i think its lasted this long bc we were and are always ourselves. we are exception-al!

either that or im a genius and should write a book of my own - how to grow on a commitment-phobe like a fungus (slowly and "un"-expectedly).
the male version of that book - how to get your dream girl - is yet to be written by mike.

special mention: snow day edition
rich: mother nature ruined my plans!
me: bro, i think youre the only student (and teacher) thats pissed about a snow day.