Friday, May 26, 2006

slutskyas i admire

sluts. they have a bad name. you hear slut and you automatically think dirty dirty girl with no self respect. blah blah blah. get in ultra-feminist mode. but lets face it. every girl has got that side. that slutty whore side. that side that secretly wants to be one of those girls in maxim and fhm. that girl who doesnt give a fuck and will fuck. fuck whoever she wants, whenever she wants him. bad rep? who cares. nothing wrong with getting some booty. man. you may call them names but deep down you admire them. well, at least i do. i even have an admirable slut list. drumroll please:

manuela "manny" santos
who is she:
played brilliantly by my namesake, cassie steele. oh, ive watched her grow up from an awkward daydreaming preteen to a raging curvy skankalicious woman on degrassi.
why shes a ho: her looks, skinny with tits n ass (bitch!), and style (crop tops + low rise jeans - underwear = coin slot city) got heads turning all over degrassi.
why shes an admirable ho: even though she was just a little 7th grader, homegirl asked out 8th grade hottie craig. although it only lasted one date, miss santos knew she wanted craig and stole him back two years later.
why shes a dirty ho: i said stole him back because homeboy was dating miss prude city ashley and you know how the latinas are... mr manning even sperminated manny but the fetus was aborted immediately. yikes.
why i admire her: she got craig manning in the end. besides being bipolar, hes awesome!

kristin cavallari
who is she:
this girl is my idol. seriously. i was gonna write a whole post just on her but since not enough people (aka jamie) know who she is, i thought, ill ooze her into my bloggin' world.
why shes a ho: kristin goes after what she wants too. she goes after boys even when she doesnt want them. if someone else does, she'll claim him too. just because she can.
why shes a dirty ho: she had ste-phen wrapped around her pinky toe (she doesnt need a whole finger. the boy was pussy whipped with a capital P and capital USSY) and was able to make out with hot boy sam right in front of him during his (meaning stephen's) senior year spring break (kristins a year younger).
why shes an admirable ho:
she played with player of the year talans heart and even managed to pull in some famous college booty (hello matt leinart!) while still in high school.
why shes a heartless ho: after best friend jessica confesses her huge crush on jeff, kcavs makes out with him at a party theyre all at. skankdalous!
why i admire her: she went from making the life of fellow 'guna alum lc a living hell every chance she got to slowly and painfully stealing the life of fellow mtv reality star jessica simpson (first the rumored dates with nick lachey and now a role as daisy duke in a prequel to the booty-licious stars "hit" movie).

is she really a slut or is she just really good at playing one? or two?
tiffani amber thiessen. someone give this girl an emmy please. the two major characters in her career are both sluts but polar opposite sluts. one being the "innocent pseudo slut who really is a slut" slut and the other the "downright strongminded bitchy slut who tries to play the innocent victim card when she gets in trouble but is too devilish to get away with it" slut. kelly kapowski and valerie malone do have a big slutty thing in common: they both banged or came close to bangin' all male members of the main cast and had a few dishes on the side. slutskyas!

kelly kapowski: the perfect girl of bayside high. even with a maroon face, she won the crown of homecoming queen. she was the most popular girl ever. especially with the boys.
the main players:
zack morris:
zack and kellys prom.
ac slater: the spandex twins.
samuel screech powers: kelly and screech?
the side dish:
jeff hunter:
remember, her hunky boss from the max? the reason she dumped zack outside at the prom while jessie and slater are singing "how am i supposed to live without you" in the gym.

valerie malone: had big shoes to fill (brenda walshs!), so this crazy buffalo native stormed into the 90210 the most anti brenda walsh way ever, by sleeping with everyone!
the main players:
steve sanders:
steve was still a horny college stud when val rolled into town. yeah, like he wasnt gonna bang her. cmon!
david silver: donna martin may be a moron but she knows how to pick the diamonds in the rough. her prudeness and his hot hormonal bod werent always in sync so of course hes gonna sleep with a girl whos always open. slut and slut.
dylan mckay: its dylan mckay. who wouldnt bang him?
brandon walsh: ok so their hook up was kinda incestuous because they were supposedly such close family friends but please, there was a sexual tension between brando and his twin brend. oh yeah, and valeries a big big slut too.
side dishes - talk about sloppy seconds. malones got similar tastes with martin. not only did she date/sleep with donnas future hubby david, she also fucked two of her boyfriends too. slutskya and slutskya!
ray pruit: she didnt even really like him. she just liked that she was having hot sex while holding blackmail over this abusive bastard. its like sticking it to the man indirectly but directly but not. a conniving slut. totally admirable.
noah hunter: he was such a dick but he was a dick with money. sex and money. every sluts dream come true. and she weaseled her way to it. admirable.

honorable mention sluts
penny lane:
why? because she has limits. bandaid rule number 1: just blow jobs and thats it.
britney spears circa 2000: why? she was jtims gf and yanking wade robsons chain too. do i need to show a pic from that years vma perf? of course i do! a pic of her peak:

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

ace and ace

the american idol finale is rapidly approaching. i totally got this season completely wrong. only 2 of my top 5 made the actual top 5. i probably wont be watching the finale. lost is on at the same time and you know this girlie dont got the tivo yet. kat or tay. who knows. besides, this isnt about whos gonna win but who has already won my heart. thats ace. i youtube'd him today because i just needed my dose of his delicious father figure but i found this instead. the all clips of his acting stint on half and half. hes actually not that bad of an actor but you know how it is with faces as pretty as his: its better if they dont speak at all. the noise that should be coming out of that boys mouth should only be father figure. damn that was a good perf. ok, here he is playing a hot shot baseball player dreaming of a singing career. ew, worst show. best guy though.

Monday, May 22, 2006

sing it girl!

cars. you dont realize how much of a second home a car can be until yours gets towed away from you. yeah man. my cabrio died on me a few weeks ago. im supposedly getting it back this week. damn you vw. my car gets a 10 in the looks dept and a 3 in performance. hmm, its kinda like a himbo. well, i only have a few months left 'til i say goodbye to the lie and say hello to the mta. hello 6 train! i just hope my precious car can get me through this one last suburban summer. my fingers are crossed.

besides the mechanical problems the car has had, i love my car. i never really liked driving until i got it. easy to drive and its fun fun fun. covertible=fun. i feel like ive been outta sync without my car. not only is it home to most of my sessions, its the only place i can sing my heart out (and you know i do!). my commute to work hasnt been completely silent while my car has been in the shop. joinaclub graciously lent me her car and with it comes her music. i left all my good cds in my car (which was taken to the shop) so all i had to listen to were the tunes the join grooves out to.

i belt out cheesy guilty pleasure songs of 2g and the d but the join busts out to respectable bust outable tunes. yeah man, i dont even have to do the courtesy/i dont want to embarass myself lower of the volume dial. uniterrupted busting out... or should i say uninterrupted practice. practice for what? karaoke. its been way way way too long since the girlies have had a night out at our fave k-town joint. so, here are the top 3 tunes ive been wailing to while my cabrio gets a new transmission.

panic! at the disco: i write sins not tragedies - yeah yeah. i know. im not an annoying emo/hipster preteen. and yes, this song is probably gonna be so old in like two days since i already heard this little ditty on z100 the other day. i cant get it out of my head though... but in a good way not in a b.e.p. humps way. whatcha gonna do with all that junk? damn. did that to myself. anyway, i never wouldve thought id be digging a panic! song. ugh, theyre name just annoys me. i hate names with weird punctuation in it but now that im staring at it for a while, its kinda growing on me. ew, i am an annoying emo/hipster preteen.

ashlee simpson: boyfriend - ew, i hated hated hated this song when it first came out. just like a simpson to bring back up past tabloid fodder to promote their shit. anything to rake in the mucho dinero. but i cant lie. this song is damn good. and its damn fun to bust out to too. besides, its an ashlee song, not jessica. jessica sucks. ashlee rocks. especially with the best nose job ive seen since my own. hehe. i kid. everyone knows mine is the best. but ashlee, she knows good plastic surgery. she should give her sis some tips. tip #1: collagen is not something to get addicted to. its not coke.

leann rimes: right kind of wrong - yeah so everyone likes cant fight the moonlight from the coyote ugly soundtrack but this one is my fave. not much else to say about this one except i hope its in the karaoke book.

so i think a karaoke night should be planned for this weekend. our fave place shouldnt be too packed. im expecting the city to be kinda empty as this weekend is the (un)official start to the summer. summer weekends = city dwellers on the island (fire or long as in the hamptons).

special mention:
grandpa joel made our tapes! the vacation lives on.
concert concert, whos going to a lot of concerts? clarkson, idol, the madge. - musically delicious.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

no sm

hey jam,

i was gonna start writing a post about love. i think its a mix of the book im currently reading and the news of one of our friends new friendster status and anothers l-bombed weekend that has got the l-word on my mind. but i realized i dont have a quirky special mention to add at the end of the post so now ive decided to just not even write it.

sorry man. ive got a meeting at 3:30 so try and call before then. spot spot spot. have fun at school.

- cassie (a ti li)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

finale finagle

jamie probably wants to kill me right now. i replied 'maybe' to her idol finale party evite. (i almost always reply 'yes'. i only replied 'no' once and that was for game day which happened to be the same day i was leaving for cali.) i love idol. i really do. but it broke my heart when the illustrious ace got the boot and made my jaw drop when we had to abruptly bid adieu to my top pick chris. but thats not why i probably wont be watching the idol finale. other than the fact that itll probably be 1 hour and 55 minutes of crappy filler hosted by the grossest of host(e)s, ryan seacrest (the f-out please) and the results that you find out in the last 5 minutes of the show you can find in two secs on the internet. so yeah man, idol finale is probably a no-go for me. besides, i like the performance eps better anyway. ive got different plans that night. ive got LOST!

i must admit, i wasnt the most hardcore viewer this season. hell, i missed a few eps and even during the ones i did catch, i didnt give my fullest attention during every single second of the show. to say the plot got ridiculous this season is an understatement. the season opened up with the opening of the hatch. ooh ah. electricity, computers from the 80s, mama cass playing on a record player. intriguing. interesting. desmond. cruisazy. then we got to see the other 48 days. the cruisaziness the tailies went through made our group (led by my hot doc hero jack) look like they were on a vacation in paradise, in comparison of course. lost almost lost me but these past few weeks have won me over again. i cannot cannot miss this finale. it gonna be two hours of mind bending, mind numbing, brain teasing cruisaziness!

speaking of cruisaziness, katharine a scientologist? tom cruise and l ron bugging the idol hotlines? im starting to believe the rumors. if katharine still stays in the idol running this week, im blaming the scientologists. they shouldnt have this much power in the entertainment industry. did anyone see battlefield earth? exactly.

special mention:
the 50 cent bet.
verdict: its a draw... and im a ho.

random perv: id like to smooch your pooch.
reaction: yikes and yikes.

side note: i know. how i can write about finales and not mention greys anatomy? ill be honest with you, i didnt finish the finale. when i do, i may have to do a recap of some sort. izzy is so loony. damn love. it makes you do stupid things. and on that note, heres a song that i think best describes that crazy little thing called love. performed by my all time fave miss clarkson. and yes its from the best love movie of our time, love actually.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

ti li weekend

im exhausted. and i spent most of the day sleeping. this weekend was exhausting. see, im so ti li im repeating myself. dogsitting theo this weekend made me appreciate my backyard that much more. so here is a special mention quote that summarizes how i feel about having a pet in the city:

"miss lippy, the part of the story i dont like, is that the boy stops looking for his dog after an hour. he just sits on his porch like a goon, he didnt put up posters or anything. that boys gotta think 'you got a pet, you got a responsibility! you cant just look for an hour and call it quits. So you get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!'"
- billy madison

lady youre scaring us. hahahahahahaha. happy monday everyone :)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

when jesus washed...

im not gonna get all religious on you. i didnt want to be a blog slacker but im a ti li and can barely write this little vid intro. its something to help start the day off on a fun friday note. enjoy :)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

happy bday aim!!!

hope you get all you wish for... and then some. a recap of the funtabulous murder mystery dinner will be posted later. have the most awesome day!

Saturday, May 06, 2006

listen learn love

im no music guru. if im guru-istic about any kind of music, its only of cheesy pop boybands of the late '90s and very early '00s. oh yeah, i also know all the words to the tenacious d album but just like my ever extensive knowledge of boybands, thats not something i really brag about. just 'cause i can sing along to every song 2gether has ever recorded, doesnt mean i dont appreciate good music. im really digging classic rock these days. the classic rocktopia channel on accuradio is what ive been listening to at work lately. but there are other influences in my life that have opened up my ears to classic music period. genres fall all over the board. this list contains artists i would like to listen to, learn their songs and most likely appreciate the greatness they have created.

hip hop smoke stop
snoop dogg - theres so much drama in the lbc, its kinda hard bein' snoop d-o- double -g. yeah, so thats the extent of snoop lyrics i know. i love the snoop. hell, he made the top of my celeb sess list. hell, drop it like its hot is my main ringtone. and that song is like 80 years old. i hate that i dig his music yet i cant sing along to it. i wanna really know his old stuff. his death row days. then ill ease my way into his pharrell laced tracks. for now, ill just be rollin' down street, smokin' endo, sippin' on gin and juice... laid back.

jewy mcjewstein
barbra streisand - the reigning jewish goddess of all time. i wanna feel verklempt everytime babs comes onscreen but i cant because i just really dont know her music. or her movies. i know. im a bad pseudo jew. i can say that when i do hear little clippets of her songs (papa can you hear me/yentl) i understand how her fans melt like buttah. her voice is just so soothing and smooth. plus, shes a lady who puts her foot down. i heard she bitched out some salesperson when he (im sure hes g.a.y.) told her leggings are a no-no. a smooth bitch. she, my friends, is lethal. plus, shes married to james brolin, dad of brand. a direct connection to the goonies, shes a #1 in my book.

'cause jamies got a hold on me
these next group of artists need an intro because theyre a group influenced by the blog nazi herself, jamie. jamie only likes what she likes but fortunately, what she likes is pretty good. even the bad cheesy stuff (hello clay!) but hell, i like the cheesy stuff too (hey clay). maybe thats why we get along so well. anyhoo, the jamie "go for the GOLDschmidt" influenced artists.

whitney houston - ok, im not even gonna mention the crap shes in and/or looks like right now but no matter how loony shes gotten, you cant deny whitneys voice, music, hits (and im not talking about from the bong). of course i know whitneys music. i grew up watching her wanna dance with somebody. i just wanna learn her music well enough so i can join jam and the jiller during their road trip or karaoke bust outs. jillers random bust outs are the best. jamies bust outs are never random. hehe.

rod stewart - seriously, if i wrote this 3 weeks ago, rod wouldnt even have crossed my mind. do i think hes sexy, definitely not but he is one chill ass m-f'er. and he has the cutest baby ever! too bad i cant say that about his daughter kim. yowza and yowza (second link not safe for work)! rod really won me over when he guested on idol. the man even helped make aces (last, boo!) performance a great one. oh that rod. seriously, the man has a lot of hits that i probably dont even realize are his although his raspy voice is pretty hard NOT to recognize. with his bevvy of adolescent girls, im sure that man will stay forever young. (yikes, im getting to punny.)

madonna - ok, i dont NOT know madonna. please, what girl doesnt know every song on the immaculate collection. her new stuff though, dont know too much of it. i know hung up (even my brother can sing that song) but the rest of the album is one big mystery to me. so, ive gotta learn it and learn it fast because her madge-esty is coming to msg in june and miss jamie g has got the hookup to tix. i now know to not have a rum and coke before entering the side stage pit. good times.

billy joel - do you ever have those joey tribbiani moments? everyone is laughing at a joke and you have no idea where the humor came from yet you chuckle along anyway. yeah. thats how i feel when a billy song comes on. everyone sings along and i just pray that the chorus of the song will come soon so i can sing along to the two words i actually do know. i know. im a disgrace to long islanders but i do appreciate the genius-ness that comes from that drunk man. seriously, i think hes like the notorious b.i.g. how you ask? because both men paint amazing stories with their songs without using cheesy rhyming words. their lyrics just flow yet tell captivating tales.

victoria is like the polar opposite of jamie yet i probably spend as much time (or even more) with her than i do with jamie. victorias my bud from work but we connect man. we get each other. plus, shes opened me up to music i know i wouldnt even think to purchase but now want to invest in.

the kinks - i didnt even know who they were before this past xmas. victoria wanted the kink kronicles because it had her namesake song. it also has crazy hits that i had no idea were theirs (you really got me, all day and all of the night). i feel like knowing their music will make me cooler because i have knowledge of a pretty cool and classic band. awesome.

jimi hendrix - drugs. janis joplin, drugs. mama cass... ham sandwich. hehe. seriously, whenever anyone hears jimi hendrix (not just his music but his name) they think stoner music. i used to think that way too, and i am a stoner. i dont know when it was exactly, but during one of our lunchtime drives, i heard a good song, asked who it was and have been intrigued ever since. im not sure where to start with his music but you know when i do, therell be a doobie in my mouth. c'mon! its like totally necessary.

david bowie - it only took me 4 songs to realize we were listening to his album yesterday, but bowie is pretty rockin'. actually, victoria is not the only reason why i wanna get into bowie music. classic rocktopia on accuradio has to take some credit too. the channel cranks out great songs non stop but sometimes a song gets me so much that i actually stop my work to see who it is. 3 out of 10 its bowie. hes a legend and i wanna know the content as to why hes so legendary. hes like my new (artist formerly known as or still goes by) prince.

well mona lisas and mad hatters
elton john - almost famous. its like my most flavorite movie of all time. seriously, that kate hudson is one smartass bitch for fighting for the role of penny lane. she played it beautifully too. the movie is excellent but what makes it so damn good is the music. that cameron crowe knows his shit and the shit was and will always be mr honky tonk man elton john. of course i know all the words to tiny dancer (hold me closer tony danza!), but i wanna know more. i actually bought the sheet music to his greatest hits albums but my fingers go to jello when i attempt to play his songs on the black and white keys. elton john is like billy except hes british and gay.

its all about growing and knowing this year. my list is pretty eclectic and is in no way in any order. so where do i begin? which artist? which album? ill take any suggestions so if youve got it, bring it.

special mention:
since we're talking about learning
jamie: i wanna be a scotch drinker. i wanna know the different kinds of malts.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

to do list: summer 2006 edition

summer is rapidly approaching us. even though its not like january, when we all make resolutions to stick with for the entire year, i usually make myself a mental list of what id like to do during the season of fun. yeah man. doesnt matter what job youve got, the summer always feels different from the rest of the year. now, ive got my usual and obvious list of crap ive got to in the next few months - start up the pilates, keep up my tan, get a job in the city, save up the moolah for my ues apt in august - but i already started a short list of fun things to do during this fun summer.
  • shake shack - seriously, its a travesty i havent been there yet but the weekends always have ridonculous lines wrapped around the park and then some. i love me my shack burgers but the waiting in line. jeepers creepers. i think im gonna have to take a personal day from work soon to spend a day with burgers in the park.

  • concerts: idol style - i never wouldve thought i would actually say, "i will go to the idol concert this year with you, jamie" but i did. the saddest part is is that i actually want to go. ok the saddest part is is that im admitting that i want to go. this seasons finalists are really good though. and theres ace. seriously, i would pay just to watch ace sing father figure for two hours. mmmmmmmm. but thats not the only concert on my summertime agenda. miss clarkson is doing her addicted (which happens to be my fave song on her breakaway album) tour and is stopping at jones beach. the best idol and the best idol season. let the sing along begin!

  • rich bitch weekend - i wanna relive my tanning days from the bahamas in new york this summer. just a weekend in the hamptons or dare i say, fire island. a weekend of tanning, smoking, drinking, smoking. i just bought a new bathing suit a few days ago and i need another excuse to wear my fabulous white dress... and my blue floppy hat. hell, ill settle for a pool as long as i get to drive there in my convertible. im such a cheesy summer ho.

  • dirty ho weekend - venture off to the dirty boroughs. take in a yankee game. have a ti li day at the bronx zoo. scrape up some courage and ride the cyclone in coney island. and i know this isnt a borough but its the dirtiest skankiest place of the summer: the jersey shore. ive never been to the cheese infested jersey shore that ive seen on mtvs true life but the beach i have been to (the red bank exit) wasnt too shabby. i wouldnt mind spending another schlenoff bday in that jersey sun.

  • hot hot harold - seriously, hes like my new hot doc hero. the finale of top chef isnt for another few weeks, they pick the winner apprentice style so no one knows whos won yet, but he is from new york. and hes tre yummy. besides, new york is like one of the food capitals of the world. im sure he'll be in town for one reason or another. hot hot harold research is definitely on my agenda this summer. im starting by watching reruns of top chef. yummy yum yum.

lets see how many of these i actually accomplish. one things for sure, independence day will come this year but not on 7/4 but 8/1. ues here i come. manhattan will soon be able to get a taste of my rapist wit and smoldering beauty ;) man, my stuff must be laced with happy powder. did someone switch my cup with paulas?

special mention:
"next time, shred it twice!"

-pepper dennis (rebecca romijn)