Tuesday, April 24, 2007


yeah. ive totally become one of those. those people i used to hate but really only hated bc i secretly wanted to be them. yeah man, im in a couple... and i love it. hehe. i still giggle when i drop the bf bomb but i love that i can say it legitimately. nothing major has changed. definitely a smooth transition. actually, i kinda held back on the "transition"-ing to not scare the man. please, i bawled my eyes out bc i believed his fear of commitment would win over his feelings for me. of course, i started out walking on eggshells but now, im walking on sunshine. uh huh. and doesnt it feel good. it does. validation, appreciation, companionship. its f-in awesome. we're not the annoying, hand-holding, gaze into each others eyes type of couple. we're more like a dance down the block, get each others jokes, giggly type of couple.

im sure, actually, i know we're probably in the honeymoon period. the "very glad i chose you, you chose me, im so smart bc i have such a kickin partner" phase. i realized this when we were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. g-man was over sans his gf (rich girl "sally" i mentioned in an earlier post). sally was back in england and their last few days together werent ideal. lets just say she left him with scars, and im not just talking emotional. rock candy also came by. rock candy are my fave of the bfs friends. theyre just the most entertaining couple. sure, theyre both actors too but i dont think thats why they fascinate me so much. i seriously can watch "the rock and candy show" all day.

so we're all sitting in the bfs apt, chillin with our pot luck dutch when g-man and rock start swapping battle wound stories. yes, wounds from their gfs. the bf and i just looked at each other and were like, i seriously hope we dont get to that point. nyaaa. im not a physical person. please, i have trouble confronting people let alone hitting them. i couldnt imagine getting so mad at my man that id wanna physically hurt him. and thats when it dawned on me: we're totally in the honeymoon period. actually, our whole time together has been smooth sailing. no real bickering which kinda scares me. is this the calm before the storm? or are we both just laid back lazy f-ers (literally and figuratively) who dont want to be bothered with silly fights?

another relationship rumination thats been brewin in my mind lately. addiction. no, this isnt about the greenery. le join mentioned this to me a few weeks ago when my time spent with the bf (this is when he was still the btj) grew and my nights in my own bed dwindled down. she said i have an addictive nature and that my new addiction is him. hmmmm. i found this funny and even joked with him that hes like a drug to me. is he though? does something or someone that makes you feel good considered a drug? if so, consider me a crackhead to his crack. can i get another hit?

so as i rode the subway this morning, the word "addicted" kept popping into my head. then i remembered the song addicted by simple plan. jiller and i loved that song. so i looked through my ipod and lo and behold, i had it (thanks le join)! then i listened to the song and it totally does NOT describe how i feel about my relationship but its still totally catchy as hell. then i thought of my fave kelly clarkson track also called addicted and yeah, its a downer. i guess "addicted" has a negative undertone. maybe i need to find a new word.

special mention:
jamie: im not used to this role reversal. i used to be the star. now im like 'man in store.'
about her (lack of) popularity during lunchtime

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

btj to bf... fo reals!

ha. i think even the stars saw it coming. my horoscope for today:

"Whether you realize it or not, you just passed a major milestone. Are you surprised that it was much easier than you thought? Your long-cherished goal is clearly in sight thanks to all of these recent experiences."

word. so i sent the btj an ultimatum via email - i know, kind of a pussy bitch way to do it but i knew it was the only way to get all of my points across without getting distracted and manipulated - and we had "the talk" last night. i truly believed "the talk" would end up becoming "the goodbye." i even went to the bathroom beforehand to steal some toilet paper so i can wipe my tears with it when i left his apt. well, the tp went straight into the garbage and i left with a smile on my face.

this was much easier than i thought it would be. hell, i wouldve done it sooner if i knew it wouldve been this easy. but im still a true believer in fate and fate is about timing. it was time to put my foot down and ask for what i deserve. ha. i have a bf. im someones gf. its almost kind of surreal. nothing has really changed and thats how i want it to be. i didnt ask for the title to get fancy meals and fun gifts. im not a greedy bitch. i just needed the validation, the respect, the appreciation. i know what a hot commodity i am. if the stupid bastard wasnt gonna claim me, than i was gonna go out and find someone who will.

im not gonna lie. i was a wreck when i sent the email. i absolutely hate endings, especially when its something good but i knew i couldnt be in the in between stage any longer. sure, i cried my eyes out. it was actually the first time i cried over a boy. and that moment made me realize i am normal and not emotionally detached, the way ive tried to be for so long. now i know. its better to have feelings. sure the downs really suck big hairy balls but the ups are such great highs that its worth the "down" trips. thats why i didnt go on meds. i didnt want to be neutral (aka emotionally detached) forever.

so yeah. i have a bf! i feel like such a little kid. happy and excited. i get to change my status on my online profiles. omg. im such a loser. i hope i dont become one of those girls who drops "and my boyfriend" in every convo. if i do, you have my permission to slap me. just be careful with my nose.

Monday, April 09, 2007

relationship forecast: perpetual doormat

ive been down and out lately. my financial status isnt ideal although the reasons for why that is is worth the few years of woes. but like the saying goes, misery loves company so instead of investing all of my dark thoughts on my money, i let it creep to my "love" life as well. yeah it hurts but i needed this reality kick in the butt and only i could really give myself that wacking. i knew the reality check was coming but i guess what really triggered my foot to get kicking was news i heard from adam. he realized he deserved more than what he had and broke up with his bf. at least he had a legitimate bf to break up with. im still in no title land.

to really clear my head, i wrote a fake letter to the btj. i wasnt sure what the point was gonna be when i wrote it, but when it was complete, i felt great. well, i felt great that i wrote an awesome letter but im still feeling crappy about this relationship. then i spoke with dee and well, i started to feel crappy about all relationships. any relationship to come in the future. why? bc i realized i will forever be a doormat. read the aim convo i had with dee below:

dee: he was like 'would u let her(this really rich girl, lets call her sally) sleep with me for 2mil'
dee: i was like 'shes over paying but yeah!'
dee: guys are fucking dogs like that
dee: im sure as much as bri loves me if i said you can go cheat he would in a heart beat
dee: like he said yester 'i say no to the "sally" sitch cause i dont want to be tortured by you for the rest of my life'
dee: not...'cause i dont want to' or 'i dont want to be with another chick' etc b/c he doesnt want to be tortured by me!

so is that the secret? in order to keep a man, you have to nag him? scare him into not straying? basically be a controlling bitch. hmmm, maybe the book was right. or maybe they should change the title from why men love bitches to how bitches keep their men. honestly, this made me more depressed than i was before.

this convo basically shattered my dreams of finding a man who will want me. i have to come to terms with the fact that monogamy is a myth when it comes to men. but im not gonna lie. when i meet a guy, or in most of my cases, when i will potentially meet a guy, my goal isnt to find out if i like him but to make him want me. i get this crazy need to be wanted. is this stemming from daddy issues? who knows. i dont think i was the neglected one in the fam. why the desperate urge to be liked?

i guess im taking this "news" kinda hard bc i worked so hard to build up my self confidence. two years of therapy plus a lot of faith in myself along with the greatest friends a girl could ask for helped me realize what a package i am. so of course im gonna be upset when i find out that even a kickin package like myself is not enough to hold a man down. ugh, with people as difficult as these fuckers, why do i want one so badly?

so when i see a man not stray from his gf, i have to realize its bc the gf is a b.i.t.c.h. makes sense. ive seen dee with lots of bf's and i think she ended it with them most of the time. and lets not kid ourselves, dee isnt little miss nicey nice. homegirl is a bitch. in a good sense... if youre not her bf. ive witnessed one of her bfs (sure he was the biggest pussy bitch out of all them) hysterically cry bc she mentioned breaking up with him. thats the most extreme case but i have seen others put their tails between their legs and do whatever she says.

i dont want to scare/threaten a man into doing what i want him to do. i want him to do it bc he wants to. is this just another fantasy of mine? will this never come true? sure i can be a bitch, but only to people i truly despise. i dont know how to be bitchy to someone i like. will this cause me to be a doormat in every relationship i will ever be in? do nice guys really finish last?

what i do know is i have to do something about my sitch with the btj. even though its gonna hurt, i think i know what the outcome is gonna be. goodbye fun workouts, hello gym.

special mention:
jamie: write this on a post it - 'im a fun rich bitch'

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

what spring brings

although my cruise wasnt the ideal vacation i had hoped for it did make me yearn for the warmer seasons that much more. yeah, partly bc i love how i look when my skin is sunkissed but mostly bc of the clothes. true, i love wearing boots. theyre like the "as comfy as heels are gonna get" shoes and makes me look and feel fantab. however, you can only do jeans and sweaters for so long. and yeah, this year more than ever, the short skirt and boots combo were acceptable but every time i pulled off that look (and even though i know i looked super hot) i still had that "im a dirty tramp" feeling. did i like it? hmmmmm, kinda sorta.

but im ready. ready for skirts again. ready to wear 'em and still feel like a lady... during work days. im more excited about the cute skirts to wear on the weekends. check out my 'hood, walk by the water, check out the eye candy, be the eye candy. i try not to make my life like a fashion show. i like to think i wear things bc i feel good in them. not bc its the hot new trend (#1 reason why i did not fall into the leggings fad, well that and the fear of having camel toe). however when the weather gets warmer, i feel like you notice people a lot more. maybe its bc theyre not covered in hats and scarves.

so the btj and i actually did something productive. we left his apt! we went shopping! and we was a walkin'. seriously felt like he couldnt walk a block without indulging in some eye candy. and notingly pointing it out to me. i took it in stride though. either bc im extremely stupid or extremely confident. then he asked why i wasnt participating in the eye candy game. truth is, i dont really notice my eye candy as much as guys do with theirs. i dont know if its bc theyre hornier, their standards are lower, theyre ALWAYS actively looking, who knows. but the thing is, when i do see some eye candy, i walk away disappointed half the time. not bc theyre monets (although that does happen occasionally) but bc theyre probably gay. funny how when a guy finds out a girls a lesbo, they get turned on even more but when a girl finds out a guy is gay she ends up feeling stupid.

whats gonna happen when the temps start rising? will i start using the loop hole thats holding me back from a silly title? will the btj and i start to get sick of each other and call it quits? will the btj realize what a fine ass woman i am or will his mother incessantly remind him that im not a jew (a la meryl streep in prime)? will i ever go to another yankee game in those kickass seats of his? things to ponder as the weather gets warmer.