Sunday, December 16, 2007

phase 2: goggle switch

i felt the change. i felt guilty whenever it would creep up on me but i couldnt deny those pangs. those moments of being side by side, looking over and saying "i hate you" in my head. its like a flash of dees face took over mine ala fight club. exactly what i didnt want to happen but also relieved it did. especially after talking with jiller. obv. it was normal but still. i hate it... and him, sometimes. ah, the fantasy has worn off with the love goggles and the reality has set in with the hate goggles.
its funny. there are times when i catch myself collecting a mental arsenal of shit to throw at him IF we should break up. ugh. another sign of the switch. with the love goggles, the thought of breaking up brought me to tears, now im making a "why you suck" list to spit back in his face should that even/ever happen.
im totally noticing things that i need to work on with him. like jiller said, i have the power. i just need to use it. but there are other things that worry me. a possibility that my "power" might not be able to change it. i know this relationship is a learning experience about me. about what i want. and i guess my biggest fear is the possibility that he may not be able to be that way, to be what i want.
is that phase 3? off with the hate goggles and on with the thinking cap. to decide if hes a keeper or if i want and deserve more? ew. you know i hate making decisions. will i ever get to phase 3? hopefully if i do, ill be able to make my decision on my own and without the pressures of conformity. i think ill be ok. ive been watching my friends get engaged and married left and right and i dont have not even an inkling of jealousy. i just hope that feeling stays with me when i get to phase 3.
the thing is, i may be forced into phase 3 sooner than id want. my man is thinking about a move to cali. the left coast. its not a definite decision yet but it is a definite possibility. such a big decision. im just glad we both have a crazy fantastic vacation to go to first before doing any heavy thinking :)


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