slightly cloudy skies

im not talking about the nyc weather. please, then the title would be hot and humid and hot and humid. im talking about my lovey dovey lala land. yeah, so my lb has been in ultra stress mode these past few weeks. he needs to leave his apt by saturday but still needs to find a new place to move to. yeah, high stress times. the apt hunt has taken him so long bc his budget kept fluctuating due to minor issues hes been having with his 'rents... about his rent. the issues with the folks have been resolved but his apt search is still going on.

so its called slightly cloudy bc i havent had any major stressful issues. just my man. but we've been dealing with them together. i like that i can help him by just being there for him but i always want to do more. i want to take his problems away completely. but then again, i believe everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a big reality check for him. except instead of just kicking his ass, its kicked him in the nuts too. damn, big dilemma, little time. not fun to deal with.

this post is also called slightly cloudy bc thats how my/our life will be. less (smoke) clouds. yup, the lb and i are about to kick that habit. one of the issues the lb had been having with his 'rents was their wanting him to quit the greenery (its times like these im glad that parental denial is on my side). he called it blackmail bc they wouldnt help him out with his apt sitch unless he quit. his view on that issue was that if he was going to kick the habit, he would do it on his own terms. plus, hes a bit worried that quitting would change him. it had been such a big part of his life. a big part of his image.

funny thing is is that i had that same convo with myself internally. do my herbal refreshments make me, me? i realized it does not. im still awesome even when my eyes arent droopy. and i know the ganj isnt why i love the lb. i love him bc hes funny, entertaining, intelligent, caring, and not so bad on the eyes too. plus, this new way will make us more active. we'll spend less time on the couch... no matter which neighborhood or even borough or even possibly state (yes, he may looking in jersey. nyaaa!) his couch ends up. and this new movement goes along with my fun plans for summer. plus, more activity = more cardio = hotter bods for december in anguilla!

this new page in life could be a blessing in disguise. ew. did i just sound like paris hilton? anyhoo, im not calling my quitting a "no greens forever" type of deal. itll just be an end to my regular herbal consumption although if im at a party and that smell is in the air, im following that intoxicating aroma. man, this is gonna be a rough withdrawal. le join says i have an addictive nature. the whole fam does. so i just need to find a healthy addiction to replace the my herbal addiction. maybe ill finally learn how to ride a bike. i can start with my pink razor scooter.

man, its been a crazy year and ive only gone through half of it. ive really grown up these past 6 months. i just hope i dont grow bigger during the second half of '07. i do know that when i look back on this year, ill be proud of myself. taking care of my responsibilities, living my life the way i want to live it. on my own. its pretty cool bc im pretty awesome. no more holden caufield syndrome. growing up is cool.

summertime - time to appreciate

its summer. ok, so summer started about a week ago but it really hasnt felt like summer until today. oh yeah, today feels like a ny summer. hot, humid and hot. its times like these im glad i have a job in an air conditioned office. either way, this summer is gonna be different from the other 25 summers ive had before. why, you ask. its my first summer living in the city, the coveted city ive longed to live in for so long. also, its my first summer with a boyfriend! even though getting him was a gradual process, it still changed the way i live pretty abruptly. after having some heart to hearts with my closest friends, im gonna find a middle ground between the way i was and the way i am now. of course i love spending time with my lb, i love that man, but i cant abandon the people who helped me through my hard times, the people ive shared so many good times with, the people who love me for me.

jamie and mike had a housewarming party last week for their new jamie-tized apt and i went there solo (the lb was in nh with his fam for a wedding). i always say things happen for a reason and im glad that things worked the way they did and i went there alone. i got to spend some time with my close buds and realize that i can still have fun when im not in lovey dovey lala land with my man. its just weird, being on the non-cheese (stands alone) boat. ive spent most of my life complaining and now i find myself preaching on about how life is good. its all about the attitude. damn. i dont think love makes you blind, it makes you ridiculously stupid.

so since jamie and mikes party, a few things happened that made me step out of my lala land box, and really look at life. damn reality checks. first, was georgias wedding. georgia was one of my best friends in high school. my memories of shs are filled with moments of the three of us - georgia, jiller, me. it was strange seeing one of us get married and enter a whole new world. then it made me think back on a convo that i had with the hpj. he said, we're at the age when we hear that a friend is dating someone, that new bf/gf can ultimately be the one.

of course while georgia was up front doing her vows thing, i did the brenda walsh thing (during jackie taylors wedding to mel silver) and daydreamed about what it would be like if it were me. naturally, i freaked out. my parents voices nagged through my head, you dont just marry the person but the whole family. do i have the heart to let someone marry into my crazy family? sometimes i think i try to be overly awesome to make up for the craziness that is my family. i dont know if ill end up with the lb but if i do, ill feel so guilty. his family is so damn cool and my fam is so damn cold. ooooh, they make me shiver. anyway, im not sweating it at all. that is a long time to come, if it ever does. as jamie and i said during our spring break '06, ill cross that bridge (if) when i cross it.

so after all the weddings, (the lb had his cousins in nh, i had georgias), i reunited with my bf (we were apart for 4 days! i know i know. only 4 days but we havent been apart for that long of a stretch of time since my cruise back in february), and had a great double date dinner with dee and bree (hehe. brians new nickname whenever i mention him with dee). everyone got along famously. it was just a great way to end the weekend. the next day was my last day at my job as i would be starting my new one on tuesday. i figured might as well just dive into the new job. im a dweller. the more free time i have, the more i would get all nervous and anxious about going to a new place.

so my monday really felt like a friday bc it was an ending. this was when the second reality check kicked my ass. dee went to the thyroid doc the week before and they found a growth which they biopsied. she got the results that day and let me know that she has thyroid cancer. yes. cancer. not a typo. it took all my strength to fight back my tears as typed in thyroid cancer into google. the thought of losing my sister... i cant even think of it without losing it. my tears started to go away as i kept reading. the type she has is the most curable and she will not need chemo. the thyroid is the only gland that can absorb iodine which kills cancer, hence the no chemo. relief! her spicy words will live on!

even though ive complained about her before, my relationship with dee has been the best its ever been. sure, we still disagree but now i speak my mind and she actually listens. she listens and empathizes. instead of getting mad when the maj and faj pit her between me and them, she listens and helps us resolve the issue. same with issues i have with le join. hmmm, maybe its me with the problem. ugh, another reality check. damn i hate those.

anyhoo, i started out this post to write about summer. how this summer will be better than the rest bc im in the city and i got a man. maybe itll be better bc i will appreciate things a lot more. appreciate my sister. appreciate money. being po fo sho this year really made me learn the value of a dollar... and the awesomeness of coupons. appreciate opportunities and seize them. ive read about fun summer events in the city for the past few years and wished i could go to them. now i can. plus i can do these activities while being that bitch i always hated, the bitch with the boyfriend. movies in the park, concerts in the park, even just plain walking around... in the park. i live in a gorgeous neighborhood and i plan on exploring it... solo, dolo, triolo, whatever.

my summertime theme is appreciate life. where you are now, where youre heading to in the future. just appreciate it. appreciate my awesome hot self. maybe even focus on making myself hotter (hello! been to my gym twice since i moved in last october). appreciate and actually use the things ive got. strive to get the things i want. i just wanna live and im gonna.

desperate special mention:
jamie: she figured her life couldnt get any worse, so she joined jdate.

j-day

judgement day. pretty much describes yesterday. the long awaited bday bbq for dee but really, it was a "test" for my lb. sure, he already met the fam but this was the first time he'd be hanging out with all of them, together. needless to say, i was a bit nervous. not bc of him. the lb is awesome when it comes to social situations. i love that i can throw him in any sitch and know that he'll be a-ok. nah, i was more nervous about my fam. id like to think im the easiest person to deal with from my fam. definitely the easiest female (and no, you pervos, i dont mean easy like im a ho). i knew there was a good chance for some roadbumps in this journey but the lb handled it like a pro racecar driver. man, do i love this man.

challenge #1 - the car ride to li with dee
worries - i let my lb drive but dont get me wrong, i wasnt worried about his driving. i was worried about the backseat driving from dee. shes a person who likes to be in control. passengers dont have control.
results - a surprisingly nice drive. barely hit any traffic. sure, we had to stop short bc of an asshole driver on the lie but everyone arrived to the li house in one piece. besides, shooshoomon monshooshoo (aka beans) was so adorable with his head breezing out the window, who could get angry?

challenge #2 - the maj
worries - i love the maj but she is the family landmine. make a wrong step and kaBOOM! even though you think a spot doesnt have an explosive, youd be surprised. the oddest things just tick her off.
results - so our arrival wasnt met with open arms. the maj was peeved from the first second she saw gio. he hasnt been groomed in a while and she was pissed that his hair grew so long he could barely see. the answer, we dont have enough money, wasnt cutting it with her either. in the end though, my lb managed to crack her hard shell and... (just read the good moves section below).

challenge #3 - the faj
worries - so i get my easygoing-ness from the faj but he really didnt get a chance to know my lb from the last meeting. my awesome bf came to the house with ammo though. so thoughtful. so awesome.
results - i havent received an official word from the faj yet but when he told me last night that ive become a much happier funner person, i knew that he knew it was bc of my lb. love bear!

challenge #4 - le join
worries - not too many worries really bc shes met him before and hasnt said a mean thing about him (and this is le join so that is a HUGE thing - homegirl has something negative to say about everyone!) but it is le join. she is a bit bitter and a lot angry. cant predict what will come out of her mouth.
results - thankfully the negative stuff spewing out of her trap was NOT about my bf. woo hoo! plus, he laughed at what she was saying so i think that earned him bonus points.

now, this fun day wasnt all bc of luck. my man came prepared. he made some choice moves that even melted the majs cold heart. now thats talent!

good move #1 - "im a man, of course i know how to bbq!"
the maj was pretty unpleasant for most of the afternoon bc of gios non-grooming. (landmine!) so when it was coming close to dinnertime, i was wondering why the bbq grill hasnt been started. the maj was waiting for the faj and brian to come home from work. well those two arent the only men who know how to work a grill. the lb can bbq too. and he did! seeing the majs eyes light up when i told her lb can start the grill made my eyes light up. ahhh, the cracking has begun.

good move #2 - plaaaaaaay ball!
my intuitive man remembered the convo he had with the faj when they first met. they talked... baseball (shocker!). the faj told lb he used to play first base and whatdya know. the lb had a 1st baseman glove along with his own "baby" (catchers mitt). so he brought both over with a ball so he can play catch with the faj. well the gloves got more use than expected bc the lb also threw the ball around with my brosef rich and brian. its amazing how excited a man can get just by mentioning throwing a ball around. whatever. it worked.

good move #3 - sing sing karaoke
ok, so i warned the lb about the karaoke-ness that goes on in my house. he knew he was gonna have to sing one way or another. much to my surprise, while my lb was singing, i saw the maj get up from her chair and start clapping along. yes! the melting process has begun. we actually got the whole fam singing. thats actually a first. whoa nelly. i think i got a good one.

surprisingly, there was a special mention player to this day and it is very surprising: it was brian! the lb pulled me aside and told me brian gave him a tip about korean culture: when pouring a beverage for an elder (the faj) you must use both hands. thanks brian! you can fill the lb in on the spots i miss. my brosef was chill as usual but extremely exhausted as he had just gotten back from his prom weekend (and just 2 hours of sleep).

so j-day was a-ok. food - good. people - funny. times - fun.

special mention:
jamie: do you have any seating positions available?
pondering on leaving her teaching job.

he loves me, yeah yeah yeah

he loves me, and you know i should be glad. glad. ecstatic is more like it. he dropped the l-bomb and i threw it right back at him. even though i had a feeling it was coming, it was still a surprise when it did happen. sure the lb (ive decided to call him love-bear bc a. he loves me and b. hes my big cuddly bear) kept dancing around the l-word for a few weeks so i just thought he'd be dancing around it longer. he dropped it. and i caught it. and i love it... and him.

the title is the safety net so when i got it, i felt relieved. no more "risks" involved. the l-word, love, love is the bulletproof vest. i dont just feel safe but almost invincible. now, im no fool. i know guys will always have wandering eyes. like the lb once told me, "dont matter where he gets his appetite from as long as he eats at home." well since he loves me, i know fo sho that he doesnt "eat at home" bc he feels obligated to (comes with the title) but bc he wants to. love. love. love. awesome.

but there is that other saying, "love it blind." i may have been "blind" this past weekend when i said yes to us meeting up with an old friend of the lb's. yes, an old friend. this girl had the same sitch i had with the lb when he was just the btj a few years ago but my man told me that if that girl gave him an ultimatum, he wouldve turned her down. hmmm, maybe it was out of curiosity or pure love-blinding stupidity, but when this girl invited us to meet up with her at her friends bday party, i told the lb, "sure, lets go."

much to my (pleasant) surprise, this girl had nothing on me, biggest non-threat ever. sure, it helped that she gained weight since the lb last saw her but yeah, i felt pretty awesome. well, awesome and disgusted with myself. why disgusted? bc as much as i try to fight it, ive totally become the girl ive always hated. the lovey dovey schmoopy (the lb's word) girl who is always on her bf. what have i become?! whatEVer. the lb loves me!

so how do i know i love the lb? ive never loved someone i wasnt related to. so how do i know? i know bc he makes me happy. even at my low and stressful times (and ive had them, especially with my current financial status), i havent fallen into the dark space that took jill r two years to get me out of. i havent even come close. with him in my life, theres always a light. and when i see or feel like hes slipping to sad times, all i want to do is grab him and pull him out (add perverted joke here).

thinking about how i met my man and the relationship weve had since really amazes me. started as friends, added some lust and then grew into love.

special mention:
jamie: try teaching a room full of kids when you feel like you have a brick laying on your head.
an ailing jamie after a hard day of work