Sunday, September 24, 2006

speed pass - faj is always right

when people meet me and find out i go to therapy regularly, they usually respond with a surprised look on their faces. even the ones who have known me since high school are like, "why mama? youre so normal." its only my closest friends who know that i need to speak with jill r every monday. living in a house with a family like mine would drive anyone nuts. here is a prime example as to why i need someone to tell me weekly that i am sane and the ones who surround me are slightly off center:

since i started my new job in the city, i have been using my car less frequently. obv! so maj has been driving it a few times a week to work. i think shes grown a liking to it too. anyhoo, the 'rents were on a happy generous streak and lent me their mobil speed pass so i could fill my tank with gas. before i left the house to get my gas on, faj reminded me to clip the speed pass back onto his keys when i returned home. ugh. theyve got like responsibility trust issues with me. ridiculous!

so i filled up tank and brought my brosef rich with me. even though we're in the suburbs, i try not to travel alone at night if i dont have to. with a full tank of gas and empty bellies, we harold and kumar'd it to white castle to grab a tasty quick dinner.

the cheeba moment of the night:
rich places his order at the drive thru window. it is now my turn to give my order.
me: hi, can i get...
45 seconds of silence.
rich: ca! you have to order!!!
me: oh right, um 2 jalepeno cheeseburgers

to rich
did you get onion rings?
to the window
and onion rings. thank you!

after dinner we returned home and as i left the car, i made sure i had the speed pass and receipt in my hand. as i clipped the speed pass onto fajs car keys i announced, "faj, i put the speed pass onto your keys and im putting the receipt in the same drawer." there! my ass is now covered. not exactly.

that was friday night. saturday night, i went to the peach pit after dark and ordered some dinner from moonie. just as my grilled cheese and matzoh ball soup arrived, i get a frantic call from the faj. "where is the speed pass? you said you clipped it to my keys. its nowhere to be found. you shouldve double checked the way you clipped it. are you sure you brought it home? if some stranger picked it up, they can charge as much gas as they want. where could it be? you better find it or youre gonna pay the crazy bill. etc..." as annoying and crazy as the phone call was, it didnt bother me too much. i had a fever to distract me from the ridiculousness of the speed pass lossage <----- is that even a word?!

i already had my mind set on finding that damn speed pass either in the drawer that i placed his keys in or the bottom of his car or something. i know for a fact that i did not lose that damn pass. i clipped the damn thing back onto to his damn precious keys. as im driving back home sunday afternoon, faj calls my cell phone, "dont worry about finding the speed pass. i cancelled it. a new one is coming in the mail in a few days." interesting. he was completely calm. a complete 180 from the frantic mess that called me just the day before.

i actually pulled into my driveway about the same time my parents had. faj made another small remark about the speed pass but i just let it slide. hes a bit loonie after all. then 5 minutes later, as im placing my bag on my bedroom floor, faj bursts through the door. he places his hand in his pocket and takes out... the damn speed pass and goes, "so i found the speed pass in my pants. why would you put it here? i told you to put them on my keys. how did they end up in my pocket? " are. you. kidding. me?!?!?!

i answered like so, "yes dad. i am a magician. i clipped them on your keys yesterday but decided they should be in your pants instead. so i put them there this morning... with my mind!" faj still concluded that the "loss" of his speed pass was my fault. not the fact that he probably used his car, placed the keys in his pocket, and when he went to drive again, the speed pass remained in his pocket while the rest of his keys were in the ignition.

dont get me wrong. i LOVE my father with all my heart but that is one reason why i will never marry a korean man. me. wrong. even when im so totally completely not. who can live like that? not i said the fly.... est blogger. im AWESOME!

special mention:
steve sanders: richard harrison. i HATE that guy!

Friday, September 22, 2006


i dont know why but i feel like my match stock is goin up. woo hoo! i was feeling a lil blue yesterday. a mix of feeling a lil under the weather and thinking about my match stats. heres a brief overview:
numerous winks---> 3 responses---> 1 friend (btj), 1 date (cgb), 1 short game of phone tag (im calling this one cupcake man aka ccm)

although the call from the hpj the other night was a nice little confidence boost, my match history was still kinda bringing me down. then while i was watching the season 2 recap of greys, a strange number called my phone so of course i answered it and lo and behold it was the ccm! see, our very short game of phone tag was last saturday so by monday, i put him in my done and done file (right next to the cgb). i kinda didnt mind putting him in the done and done file especially when i found out lori (the fave neighbor) used to talk to him on jdate. ugh. friends seconds arent the best. i should know. ive had them. twice. ew.

so, you could imagine my surprise then when i answered the phone and the other end identified himself as the ccm. wha? anyway, we spoke for a while but we ended the convo minutes before the new greys was about to start. tv first. boys second. always. we have tentative plans for tuesday but like i say, it doesnt happen until it happens.

after greys, i checked my email and again, another damn surprise. it was a match message from a guy who wasnt a. over 40 y/o, b. doesnt live in some crapass hicklike li town and c. wasnt an eye sore. nice. and he actually read my profile and filled out the mini quiz i give potential suitors before i even sent it to him. better yet, he listed half baked and dazed and confused in his top 5 movies. hmmm. a possible toker too. do i have a 4 leaf clover that i dont know about?

so as the jews start their new year, im gonna start thinking about my new exciting life in the most exciting city of the world. btw, i loved the whole shiva schtick on greys last night. and i especially loved that it was sandra oh explaining the whole schpiel. rock on asian jews!

my brother showed me this clip of jtim being ashton on an snl skit of punkd. i watched it and thought, thats how im feeling about myself. im AWESOME! so if this post hasnt entertained you enough, maybe this fun clip will. happy friday and happy new year. mazel tov and l'chiam!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

ti li nation - 50 things

i am officially in ti li nation. feeling slightly under the weather and very very ti li yet i cant leave my reading audience (aka jamie) with nothing again. so here is a no brainer survey i snatched from myspace. its not as compelling as my usual posts but its a fun time killer nonetheless. enjoy your bkfst jamie. call me when youre looking for parking.

1. what is the best way to get over someone?
a new person

2. what makeup do you wear on a daily basis?
lip balm and face moisturizer

3. is your aim away message on?

4. if you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
wraps and smoothies

5. what curse word do you use the most?
cunt rag piece of shit

6. do you have a pool?

7. have you ever dated someone out of your race?
only them

8. what time is your alarm clock set for?

9. have you ever bid for something on ebay? And won?
yes, concert tix

10. do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside?

11. where do you buy your groceries from?
trader joes

12. would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
in it

13. what was the last movie you watched?
the black dahlia

14. do any of your friends have children?

15. if you won the lottery, whats the first thing you would buy?
my apt

16. has anyone ever called you lazy?
my middle name

17. do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
dont need another addiction

18. what cd is currently in your cd player?
the academy is, bob dylan, the kinks, kelly clarkson, justin timberlake, danity kane

19. what do you prefer: regular milk or chocolate milk?
skim with cereal

20. has anyone told you a secret this week?
if they did, i forgot it

21. when was the last time someone hit on you?
everyday. im a hot bitch. jk.

22. what did you have for dinner?
tuna on whole wheat pita and new england clam chowder. and i made it!

23. what is your biggest fear?
birds and/or fire

24. what color is your car?

25. can you whistle?

26. what is your favorite christmas/winter album?
all i want for christmas (is you)/mariah carey
love actually soundtrack

27. do you make your own jewelry?

28. have you ever participated in a protest?

29. what is your favorite ride in an amusement park?
im there for the food :p

30. who was the last person to call you?
the hpj

31. what is something you must do every day?

32. have you ever dated one of your best friends?

33. what area code are you in right now?
516. boo.

34. did you watch cartoons as a child?

35. how big is your local mall?
depends which one youre talkin about

36. what is your job title?
digital operations manager

37. what do you miss most?
sleeping in

38. would you ever sky dive?

39. what are you allergic to?

40. what is your biggest regret?
"i do not regret the things ive done, but those i did not do"

41. have you ever had jamba juice?
its across the street from work. at least twice a week.

42. when was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?
this past weekend with my bitches

43. what movies do you know every line to?
waynes world, almost famous, dumb and dumber, empire records, welcome to the dollhouse

44. do you own any band t-shirts?
bsb, nsync, blink 182

45. what is your favorite candle scent?
chocolate and anything else fatty and sweet

46. how many aunts and uncles do you have?

47. when was your last plane trip?
april - spring break '06!

48. do you crack your knuckles?

49. how many chairs are at your dining room table?

50. what is your favorite salad dressing?
ranch, vinagrette (any kind), italian

special mention:
dante hicks: 37! my girlfriends sucked 37 dicks!
customer with diapers: in a row?


Monday, September 18, 2006

happy 30th maj and faj!

maj and faj. married for 30 years. cuh-razy! to celebrate this momentous occasion, the 4 of us got our knuckleheads together long enough to take a portrait. real deal studio stuff. only the best for the 'rents. so this is a little sneak peek of the surprise we purchased for the maj-inator and faj-inator:

can you believe we all came from the same womb? for asian people, we really dont look much alike, do we?
clockwise from top left: dee, la join, rich, me

like they werent gonna get an individual portrait of their fave child... jk, we all took individuals. mine just came out the best. jk. maybe. my brother does come in a very close second. bitch!

this ones for jamie.

to explain how we sibs get along, id like to share a short story. rich and la join picked me up from the train station last week. rich was behind the wheel, la join in shotgun, so i took my seat in the back of the car. the brosef makes a turn and just misses a collision with another car that was going in the same direction (rich basically cut him off), so the convo went like this:

la join: rich! there was a car there. you shouldve looked!
rich: yeah but you looked. its ok, right ca?
me: hey man, as long as someone was looking.

laughter (from rich and me) consumes the car.
la join: how are we related?! <----- thats her favorite line ever!

special mention:
i wore these on john travoltas plane... UGG BOOTS!

Friday, September 15, 2006


im not a very affectionate person. la join heard this quote once and thought, omg thats our family. the quote was: "we only show affection for our horses and dogs." my fam doesnt own any stallions but our dog gio does get the most affection out of anyone in our crazy casa. faj used to imitate the way i walked into the house and did my greetings: "hi maj. hi faj. hey join. hey rich. HI MY LITTLE PRETTY POO. WHOS THE BEST DOGGIE IN THE WHOLE WORLD? THATS YOU! YOURE SO CUTE I COULD EAT YOUR FACE. BUT I WONT BC YOURE MY PRETTY POO. MY LITTLE MOO FACE. OOOOH! (lowercase indicating a low deep voice. THE CAPS mean my voice is high pitched and LOUDamundo! im also grabbing gios face by his ears as he just soaks in my lovey embraces). im tired. im going to bed. goodnight."

just bc im not affectionate doesnt mean i dont like affection. hugs and kisses and all that nonsense. i do like it. it just depends from who ;) receiving is fun but giving or showing affection, not my strong suit. mostly bc im not sure the person i wanna give it to really wants it so i take the easy road which is to not do anything at all. yeah. thats not as fun (as being a ho) but at least i avoid any chance of embarassingly getting rejected.

i always think back to miranda and steve from sex and the city. the cuddling scene. its like a saturday morning and miranda is ready to hop out of bed and start her day. steve pulls her back in to cuddle for a little while longer. the scene is funny bc its usually the girl begging for a little cuddle action and the guy being annoyed and thinking the cuddling is like a chore. i love the gender role reversal between those two. miranda literally asks for a time frame for the cuddling and steves all like, who times cuddling?

that scene reminds me of myself. dont get me wrong. i love cuddling/spooning. but after a while, my mind starts to go into overdrive. is he losing circulation in his arm bc my fat, heavy head has been lying on it for while? is he getting sweaty? am i getting sweaty? is this gonna lead to something else (you know what the something else is) soon bc if not i need some space to sleep. yeah. i never understood girls who like to fall asleep spooning. sleepy time means sleepy time. cuddling/spooning usually doesnt lead to quality shut eye and well, this mama needs her beauty sleep.

having a hard time showing affection is one thing but when its with "friends" it gets a little more complicated. sometimes when im just hanging out with the btj, usually sitting on the couch watching tv (most likely yankees or football, dont get even me started our different tastes in television viewing) i have the biggest urge to place my leg over his and just let it hang (semi intertwined). but i dont. affection is such a gray area in our "friend"-ship. i guess im so scared to be affectionate bc i dont want to start looking like the clingy ho who just wont let go. im so not clingy as much as im so vip.

one of aaron karos ruminations from a few months ago has totally been running through my head these past couple of days:

-In the end, I believe that marriage is the great equalizer of twentysomething life. There's nothing I enjoy more than watching a chick wait desperately for her boyfriend to get off his ass and propose already. You have to understand, ladies, our entire lives since puberty have been predicated on waiting for you. We're always ready to hook up, but we don't get blown or fucked until one of you decides the time is right. But by tradition, the man alone decides when to propose. This is the first and only time we hold all the cards. So if your boyfriend has been beating around the bush about dropping the knee, don't misinterpret it as cold feet. It just takes a while to absolve fifteen years of sexual frustration. Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

no, i havent been thinking about this bc another one of my friends just got engaged (cue music: another bites the dust). this came to my mind bc the karo is basically saying guys are always waiting for girls and the only thing they have any control over is the marriage proposal. my first thought after reading that: karo is a douche bag. not even summers eve but generic brand douche.

heres my rumination: girls are always waiting for guys and they only thing they have control over is when he gets to park his car in her garage... but once the cars been in the control the girl has goes out. damn control. i was never good at keeping a hold of it.

special mention:
p-t p.p. aka potty-training penis push

Monday, September 11, 2006

being alone... blessing in disguise... wha?

that was from a big chunk of my session with jill r. after a long string of things we got to talking about feeling abandoned. when do i feel that the most. blah blah blah. i didnt give the obvious answer of family bc with 3 sibs, its hard to find even two minutes for myself but i dug down and realized its in social situations that ive felt abandoned the most. yes past tense. i feel ive grown a bit and am more open to talk to new people than i was before hence, less awkward silence or just left out of the conversation moments. then, i had to tell her about my new single single status and then she goes oh, totally understand the feelings of abandonment there.

got to talking about my friendships with each of girlie from my jew crew. after listening to me babble, we both realized that i need my friends to help me feel the kickass me that i am. although thats great, i gotta stop needing it and just feel kickass on my own. its hard. she also thinks im very dependent on the jamers. nooooooooo! but probably yeeeeeeaaaahhhhhhh. its like my friends have become the substitute support system my parents were supposed to provide me. whoa. thats so deep. so after telling jill r that i "lost" jamie to this quality guy mike, she said it was a blessing in disguise for me. wha? huh? how? why? how? why? huh?

i told her the moment im dreading the most is that one night when everyones busy with their boyfriends and im left alone. alone alone alone. tip for when this moment comes: i dont want that sympathy odd wheel of cheese invite. id rather sit in a cage with birds (and you know my ginormous fear of birds) than be that f-in cheese wheel. jill r thinks those moments are gonna be good for me. itll give me time to find the real me. if i can stand on my own without the support of my friends.

then i thought about why i was alone. not that i have much control over it (theres no line of men waiting at my doorstep) its still fun to try and keep yourself accompanied by others. speaking of, i never wrote an update on the cgb (cute glasses boy). well, he was very cute, wore his glasses, looked really cute in them, we had a really cute drink date, with a really cute goodbye, and then i never heard another cute word from him ever again. i dont know what it is. did my exquisite writing out shine the in-person rapist witty me? cant dwell on it too long. im labeling this one dunzo.

when it all comes down to it, i just really want a g.w.i.i.m. (guy who is into me)... f.m.t.o.n. (for more than one night).

special mention:
dylan mckay: [to brenda] i loved you more than i ever thought i could love anybody. maybe that was the problem.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

i dont got bette davis eyes

obviously. my eyes, hair, face, body - just a tad different from my friends. i know im the (tokin) token asian among my sea of jew buddies (aka my jew crew) but i guess i jumped into the same dating pool with jew-tinted goggles on. its like i walk into these dates/winks kinda forgetting that im asian and what a big deal that is.

i know i know. dating is a big numbers game.
100 winks-->30 - 50 responses-->10-15 dates-->1 possible winner

when youre trying to date someone outside of your race, the numbers are a little crueler. lets take a look at my numbers:
21 winks-->3 responses (1 was a "nice" let down<--asshole!)-->2 dates-->1 friend

maybe i should be glad that people are just as picky about me as i am about them. of course people are gonna be hesitant about me. im a rare creature. im not some submissive geisha whos gonna love you long time. im also no brainiac church going law or med student either.

im an honorary jew who passionate about mindless things like celeb gossip and stupid movies, uses sarcasm whenever possible even though my voice is as monotonous as they come (i can even rival ben stein sometimes), dont want to go back to school unless i can study "how to make lots of money by watching tv (with herbal refreshments)", and lean towards religions that have good food (latkes and knishes are the bomb!). im not your typical asian chick but im not exactly your typical jew bitch either (hence my hesitancy of joining jdate, hehe).

so my real question is, should i just continue on with the jew-tinted goggles? not worry about my big asian face. im always gonna be out with my fetish radar. i know the jew boys have the fetish. jamie was right. murray hill is crawling with jew boy/asian girl couples on every corner. i just dont want to fulfill anyones gross fantasy. i think thats why i tend to stay away from red lipstick, bleached blonde strips of hair framing my face, and stupid high pitched giggles.

there is one great thing about having a great big asian face - the brush off. ive rarely used it but if i dont want to answer someone, i can pretend i dont speak engrish. hehe. although i must admit my "asian" accent, not so good. yikes. can i do anything right?!

rooftop party special mention:
walking to the peach pit after dark/the gnessINN, 3 boys are standing in front of its closed door.
me: is this door open?
guy 1: yeah but i dont think youre allowed in. its vip only.

as i open the door...
me: well im going in. im SO vip.

two puzzle pieces.

about jamie and mike

thanks to mike for like a slightly tear inducing testimonial. a quality testimonial we be returned to you within the next few days. quality takes time brotha!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

and i like muenster

im not here to talk about cheese although i really do like muenster. i think sweet munchee is my fave though (thanks jiller!). im talking about cheese in a theoretical sense and the cheese is me. why? bc the cheese stands alone and that is my state. alone alone alone. sure, there are few crackers who hang around once in a while but none that compliment me the way i want. the way i deserve. ok, the way i want to be complimented. who am i kidding. i dont know what i want.

my close friends think im lying to myself about my sitch with the btj. they think i say im fine but deep down, im hurting. well the hurt must be really really deep bc i dont feel any pain. i have a great time when im with him and i dont fall to pieces when im not. if anything, im looking for another when im not... or at least have other people look/wink for me (tip for la jamie: check the height before winkage!).

my family thinks im a crazy bridge and tunnel ho. ok, my family meaning la join although im pretty sure dee agrees with her too. theyre kinda like confused when i start to complain about being alone. alone alone alone. as la join would say to me, if you have a boyfriend then you cant be the crazy slut youre being now. hmmm. food for thought.

so why do i want to be a crazy ho? as fun as it is, and i must admit my ho-tastic moments have been tons of fun, i guess deep down i think this is the way i should be living in order to prevent the woulda, coulda, shoulda feelings. my senior quote was, "i do not regret the things ive done but those i did not do" and well, i dont want to regret not doing anything. i feel like such an asshole guy for saying this but having a significant other is like a ball and chain. so the question is, do i want to be shackled up?

i like the road im on right now. the independent woman road. ive got the best friends ever, a kickass job, i can actually stand to be in the same room with my family, and although i should start hitting the gym again (maj and faj give me daily reminders) i dont completely hate the way i look. jill r would be so proud of the improvement in my self image. i guess fate is handling things this way bc even though im on the road, im not at my completely kickass independent woman destination. maybe when i do get there, a just as amazing kickass independent man will be strolling by. not there waiting for me (i want a mover and a shaker) but we still meet in some spectacular way.

all im asking for, before this spectacular man comes into my life, is for a few entertaining fellas to accompany me for some parts of my amazing journey called life. i would also like to ask for no detours aka stds and pregnancies. that would be beyond kickass. i just want to live my selfish years to the fullest and i know my selfish clock is a tickin'. so im gonna go on a rockin before my clock stops tick tockin'.

special mention:
jimmer podrasky and the rave-ups

Monday, September 04, 2006

best labor day

such a productive day without much production going on. took a 9:15 am train to the city to catch the 11am 9-0 marathon at the peach pitt after dark/gnessINN. yeah man, thats 9-0 dedication. even though it was just a day of walshes and weed and take out galore, a pretty major event took place. a friendster status has been changed and honey it aint mine. yeah man. grandma jamie has found a gramps. the yenta has made a match for herself. cuh-razy. which leaves me in the "odd wheel of cheese stands alone" state. out of my closest circle of friends, i am the single single. hmm. kinda like andrea zuckerman leaving donna martin in the v-boat... although with the way the past few weeks have been going, i dont think the ship im on would be correctly labeled with a v on it.

anyway, a big mazel to jamie. her new bf is a quality guy. hell, any guy who sings rent in a karaoke bar, not just a karaoke room, is worthy of jamies partnership. happy scrappy hero pup.

9-0 special mention:
im doin' the best that i can
doin' the best that i can!
1 out of 3 songs from the spring dance

your mom spends half her time in detox and the other half unconscious!
sanders to taylor

your apt is bugged!
9-0 marathon playing our all time faves.