Wednesday, December 21, 2005

why did i look?

doctors appts. had one today. just an annual check up. no biggie. so i rushed out of work to make it to the docs on time, only to wait an hour to see her. yeah man. an hour. i didnt mind too much. i read a fascinating article about as four in an old issue new york magazine. who knew fashion could be so interesting? so, when i finally got to the examination room, the docs asst came in and took my blood pressure and then said the seven dreaded words: i just need to take your weight. dun dun duuuuuuunnnnnn. yikes. havent been on a scale in over a year. so as i walked over to that dreaded piece of machinery, i told myself, all i have to do is not look. so i stepped on the damn thing and casually looked the other way. quick and painless. the girl jotted down the numbers, said the doc will be in with me shortly and left. so i sat. and waited. and waited. and sat. and then my head started to turn towards the scale. yikes. but i couldnt read the numbers from where i was sitting.

finally the doc came in, we chatted about the holidays and her new baby, only four months old - the beginning of the really adorable age, she did her business and then left. so as i was changing back into my clothes, my head turned to the scale again. and this time i could read the numbers. it. was. not. pretty. it wasnt horrible. ok, maybe it was close to horrible. who am i kidding? i think its the weight i was when i finally said enough! and went out bought 3 bottles of trimspa. ugh. why did i look? such a damn downer. but how could i not look? its like climbing up a mountain and the person youre with telling you to not look down. how do you not look down?!

have i been fooling myself for all these months? thinking i can eat what i want, ignore the damn treadmill thats been collecting dust in our den, and still keep a hot physique. i wont beat myself up about it. i wouldve been in a downward spiral if this was a year ago. especially because i came home, changed into sweats and then my father asked, "are you gonna workout now?" when i had no intention whatsoever to move a damn muscle. i just wanted to be comfy.

even when i signed onto aol after the father debacle, i heard my matt damon say "whaaaaats happenin' tough guy" but it wasnt followed by the usual "youve got wicked mail" which meant not only am i fat heffer but a loser too because i have no email. i signed off right after. btw for you curious folk, matt damon doesnt say goodbye to me, its david blaine going "im gonna vanish." hot.

so am i gonna start budokon-ing at night? not just yet. i figured im leaving for california in 4 days and staying over there for 5. why workout for 4 days when im not gonna be getting any kind of aerobics in for the following 5. plus the whole trip is based upon hitting up as many west coast fast food burger joints (the chicken places ill hit up next year) as possible. so im gonna end the year as a fatass. all the more reason to keep my first and probably everyone elses new years resolution: lose weight. but unlike those other fatties, ive got a plan.... and it includes the treadmill, the master cleanser, budokon, pilates, 8 minute abs and arms and maybe some vivarin to help my lazy ass get out of bed. ok, ill try and refrain my usage of any type of pill but hey, revivin' with vivarin is a lot better than popping "want my body" trimspa 3 times a day.

special mention:
no quotes today but recognizing great and not so great people

super super: angel

worst influence: "seid" now mrs. z

why? a.ras and the prom dress

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

cure for hiccups

this weekend joinaclub and i conducted a mini science experiment without even realizing it. kinda like the time the cousins and i made a gravity bong out of a cooler and a cut up arizona iced tea gallon jug but without the cheeb. or the cooler. or the jug. see, the join had the hiccups while we were watching best year ever for the umpteenth time. she was sitting in the only cushioned seat we have in the living room while i sat in the wooden love seat (no joke, its wooden and a two seater and it does not rock like a rocking chair either) diagonally behind her. i didnt mind her hiccups but it was bothering her like no other.

now, i know there are a lot of different "home remedies" or "cures" people have to get rid of the hiccups. theres the drinking the water while upside down, the holding your breath while pinching your nose method, the impossible hold your breath and swallow three times deal, but in my house we go by the scare the crap outta ya method. why? because even if it doesnt work, at least youll get a good laugh out of it... before your next hiccup.

since join couldnt enjoy her mindless vh1, i decided to kick her chair while yelling her name during a quiet moment of the show. she jumped outta her seat and gave me a "i didnt see that one coming" look. nice. i scared and surprised her. she screamed. almost slapped me but then... hiccup. damn it.

to keep her mind off her annoying interrupted breathing, we went to the diner to chow down on burgers. yummy. we had our iced teas and ate 'til there were no more buttons left to unbutton on our pants. her hiccups were still around but not as frequent. when we got back to the car, her complaining nearly drove me nuts. i knew had to scare the bejesus outta her. so as we were approaching an annoying left turn i said, "jo, can you let me know when the light turns red. (1,2,3) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" i screamed like i knew what you did last summer. i think she almost crapped her pants. but then, i just heard laughter. we all know ichford has the girliest scream but mine was no joke. the join was impressed. and i was delighted.

as we got out of the car and into borders to buy some last minute holiday gifts... hiccup. and this time it was coming from me. my scream had actually tranferred the hiccups from the join to me. but then i heard another hiccup. sorry join. i didnt cure hers either. other methods that dont work:
hit the persons arm and jump at them (the join to me, at least i wasnt violent)
bend down like your gonna tie your shoe lace and yell their name

ok, so our family method doesnt cure hiccups but it does cure the complaining about them. your mouth cant spit out complaints when its too busy laughing.

special mention:
describing how gayliestar lured her to that fateful new years party oh so many years ago.
jamie: she said "lots of jewish guys will be there." translation - the one jewish guy that will ruin your life will be there.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

no boys ever buy me drinks

tv shows, movies, even cheesy chick novels (the only books i attempt to read), they all make it look so easy. walk up to the bar, spot a cute boy, make eye contact, give him a sly little smile, he comes over to you, you talk with a "im the hottest bitch in here, biiitch!" attitude, he buys you a drink. whenver i get a free drink its because the guy whos buying wants my friend, never me. im the wing-woman. and a perfect one for any girl too. why? because im emotionally detached. the girl (my friend) knows i would never hit on the guy shes after (mostly because i know i could never ever get him anyway) and the guy wouldnt hit on me because hes not interested. the guy wants the hot bitch, not the cold one.

what the guy doesnt know is that the hot bitch gets free drinks all the time so in order to get her as intoxicated as he wants her to be, hes gonna have to keep an open tab at the bar. a cold bitch like me, especially an asian one (damn flush!), doesnt need as many drinks. two beers and im good for the night. im a cheap ass date. as long as you dont whip out the late night munchies menu.

as i woke up this morning, after another uneventful night out at another crap ass bar, i had an epiphany. i obviously knew i hate going out to bars, hence my staying in movement, but i think i got to exactly why i loathe it so much. loathe is a strong word but hey, so are my feelings.

last night was an obligatory night out. it wasnt a random night out to the bars with the chicks. it wasnt anyones bday either. my old friend, soon to be dr k and his new gf aka my close friend and frequent blog mention the aim, threw a party last night to celebrate the return of stb dr k. woo hoo. even though i love those two, i knew the night was not gonna be a blast. why?

a. it was at a trendy bar filled with people i tend to complain about. basically scantily clad hos (who i secretly wish i looked like), and guys wearing the typical button down shirts, and if he was feeling saucy, a suit jacket too (no tie of course).

b. more people i tend not to like were gonna be there. stb dr ks friends from high school: the guys i mentioned above. yeah, i went to high school with them too and guess what, i didnt like them back then either.

c. while everyone else was getting wasted and having a dandy old time, id be nursing my one beer.

yes one damn beer. one beer because thats usually all i could afford. especially during the winter. need to keep the cash that i wouldve spent on an extra beer for a cab ride back to my car. when its cold outside, you cab it. especially with high heeled boots on.

as a whole, the night wasnt too bad. we actually got a table without having to pay bottle service. i was with my closest friends. the place actually played good music. and i even came back home with some money left in my bag (i took the subway instead of cabbing it because jiller was right and it wasnt as frigidly cold as i thought and i was feeling stingier than usual).

so why? why did i wake up as crabby abby? why did i leave the place as crabby abby? why was i acting like a crabby abby? maybe its 'cause people expect me to. everyone knows im the first to complain and the first to leave. i always talk about pulling an irish goodbye but i never do. i know these nights are uneventful but what events am i waiting for to unfold? maybe thats why i play crabby abby. to make my own uneventful events. i complain and complain about wanting to leave and then when i finally do, my friends thank me for sticking it out as long as i did. do i do this to get the "congratulatory" goodbye? am i that desperate for attention? attention from people that i already know love me? can i blame my parents for this? much to discuss with jill r. much. to. talk. about.

a very fitting special mention:
"im just gonna go home and kill myself. you wanna split a cab?"

-kevin (paul rudd)/200 cigarettes

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

winter blues = fat hef

wintertime. families, parties, good times, good food, cold weather, cold snow, big bed, big comfy blanket, oh and whats that collecting dust in the corner of the room, ah yes, the treadmill. we work so hard to have tight hot bods for our skankdalous summertime outfits. we even try and continue this "working out" in the fall saying, its not just for weight loss but for health. even though wintertime celebrations begin with thanksgiving for most, my celebrating starts a month earlier, hence a month more of pigging out and neglecting my pilates dvds. heres the wintertime blues timeline and the succession of how a hot bod turns into cold blob of mushy flab. nasty.

september - the weather starts to get cold. still working out a few times a week but the workouts start to decrease as you notice sweaters and full length jeans can cover up a lot. its also a reality check when you go out at night in just a tank top and pants and realize youre actually cold and need at least a cardigan. damn.

october - party party party. the workouts have officially stopped. how can you put yourself through torturous sessions on the treadmill when its your birthday! and your friends birthday. and your brothers birthday. please, get rid of the dumbells and hand me a slice of cake. its my bday its my bday.

november - after deciding to start working out again slowly, and even buying a new workout dvd to ease me back into the groove (budokon baby!), that decision goes out the window. theres gayliestars bday and my fave holiday of all time: thanksgiving. hello! a holiday thats based on food, how the hell do you not pack on a few pounds. and take a long nap. love the food and nap combo. its the best.

december - after waking up from a tryptophan induced coma, its time to hit the road... to the malls. the christmas songs are already playing on the radio. every store has red and white stripes, with the occasional blue and white stars and menorahs too. the roads are packed. the parking lots are nightmares. its december. the first half of the month is stress stress stress... from either road rage, buying presents, or road rage from buying presents. but the second half of the month is celebrate, party, eat, drink, and be merry. yeah, theres low fat alternatives to all the holiday faves but i always go by the saying, go big or go home. and i usually do both. you eat and eat and drink and drink and by the end of the year, youre too drunk or full to realize how much youve consumed.

january - new years resolutions. first resolution: lose the holiday weight. how long does that last? depends on the weather. seriously, if theres a blizzard, theres no way a trip to the gym is on the agenda. the gym is replaced by being wrapped up in a huge blanket in bed or sitting in front of the tv... wrapped up in a huge blanket. if i decide to let my arm out of the toasty blanket, its either to change the channel or stuff my face. sure theres joinaclubs bday and jamies bday, which i always squeeze my fat ass into a skanky black dress for, but after those parties, its back to the blanket.

february - never had a boyfriend for valentines day and i fear this year will be no different. no boy toy to look cute for in a hot little red number so where will you find me? in my blanket. but by february, im sure there will be enough crumbs in it to feed a whole ant farm, or myself if im too lazy to walk the 10 steps to the kitchen. when you get fat, you get lazy.

march - theres still some snow left on the ground but the temperature is starting to rise. cant hide my big belly under a baby tee. time to freak out, master cleanse, and work out. why? because summers on the way and nobody likes a muffin top belly hanging over a pair of daisy dukes. ok, i dont or would never wear daisy dukes but if i decided to, id want to be ready.

so the winter blues eventually come to an end but only because of the fear of being the summertime fatty: a girls worst nightmare.

Monday, December 12, 2005

just a special mention

im a ti li. and i dont want to write crap (like last night). i want to produce quality. since theres no quality post, here is a quality special mention.

special mention:
talking about making a "group"video
jamie: ok. so who should be in it? theres me, you, gayle, amy, adam. am i missing anyone?
cassie: JILLER!
jamie: oh yeah.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

la yum

long island. not exactly the first place that pops into your mind when you think of culinary excellence. when the jiller and i go out to try exotic eateries, we go exploring in the city. but i still live at home and this girls gotta eat. gotta deal with my surroundings. long island isnt the worst place for food. hell it is us, not the city, that has the best bagels in the world. jew central = kickass bagels. and yes, theres a diner in every town, some even have two or three. diners are key because theyre open late or open 24 hours with breakfast always available. even though i have to admit nothing is better than nyc pizza, the long island pizzerias are not to be shunned away. im not talking about the pizzerias with just pizza on the menu. im talking about the half take-out pizza half general italian restaurant pizzerias.

although marios pizza is the where its at pizzeria of syosset, im gonna have to pick my neighboring towns pizzeria as the choice pizzeria of long island: plainviews la piazza. if you go during early bird hours, the wait is slim to none as youre sitting amongst silver haired residents as opposed to the prada clad high schoolers that fill up the eatery after sundown.

so i had my early bird dinner with jamie (which makes sense because a. this is her fave place to eat when shes ventures out to long island and b. shes our jewish grandma so early bird dinner time is her actual dinner time). even though shes on a very low carb diet, she decided to treat herself to a nice slice of pizza after a very hard week of work. pizza and salad for the jam, a nice pasta dish for me. as i perused the menu, the colorful combination of fresh shrimp, asparagus, mushrooms, carrots, and broccoli over fresh cavatelli sounded very appetizing but i decided to go with a fave: rigatoni with chicken, spinach, and mozzerella in a creamy pink sauce. the wait for the entree was a little long but i had the bread basket to distract me until my food came. i even got some take out for my skinny brosef who was sitting at home. ah, the smell of the garlic knots was intoxicating.

so there really is no point or "punny" ending to this post. i just had a bunch of very special mention worthy quotes from the weekend but no post to put them with. the la meal was of course an idea by jamie. had a good meal, too bad the post isnt as great.

special mention:
classic jiller memory from the earth science days with sponenberg
jamie: during the break, she would always get otis spunkmeyer cookies.
3 for a dollar back in the day. they were soft and gooey too. yummy.

john: i think we're all hos. we just need some cock.
no explanation. just the truth.

parking in nyc is a bitch
man looking for parking: can you park here?
jamie: no. medical parking only. i just got a ticket.

man leaves to look for another spot
i just saved that guy $115.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

dog vs man

whos the better companion: your dog or your man? ok fine, ill tell the truth, ive never had a boyfriend. im one of the emotionally detached girls. we dont have boyfriends. and my dog, isnt technically my dog, hes joinaclubs but im his godmother hence making him my goddog hence making me next in line, first runner up. wow. ive got no one. no, ive got my friends. i still have faith in fate. and i go to jill r to work on my emotionally detached-ness. so, since i dont have a companion, i can wonder who makes a better one: a trusty pet or a lusty man.

dog - need a pick me up or even if youre already in a good mood, a dogs greeting makes it that much better. always ecstatic to see its owner, tail wagging, barks of joy, maybe even a little (theo) dance. a dog greeting is all love all the time.

man - maybe a kiss on the cheek, a passionate kiss on the mouth, a long embrace, a simple hello without even a look in the face, a "make me dinner bitch!" holler across the room: just totally unpredictable. yeah, ive seen a lot of different relationships in my day.

dog - they like their nooks. they let you lay down first, make yourself comfortable, then they find their place and just plop. you think its about you but its really about them.

man - they hold you, make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and then, the games on, gotta sit up and pay attention. he might have money on it. sometimes, you have to beg for the cuddling: for it to be longer or for it to even begin. even so, if they do it, its all for you... any way you want it.

a stroll in the park or just down the street:
dog - bring a doggie bag, and im not talking about leftovers. take a walk with your pup and expect some excrements. its just how theyre trained. see a tree, start to pee. see a stoop, let out your poop. its just how they function.

man - he wants to hold your hand, have his arm around your waist or shoulders, maybe even stop in the middle for a kiss. when your walking down the street with your man, all he wants to do is show the world that your his. and all you want to do is smile. no doggie bag in your pocket either.

when your feeling blue:
dog - dogs just know how youre feeling, even if there are no tears streaming down your face, they can sense when youre feeling down. theyll come right up to you and either give you a kiss on the face or just snuggle up to you to let you know hes there and he loves you. his tail wont even wag because hes sad that youre sad. dogs just feel for you.

man - a typical convo between a couple:
man - hun, is something wrong?
woman - no. im fine. everythings fine.
man - oh, ok. so what do you want for dinner?
unless your problem directly affects him, he isnt gonna have a clue that anything is wrong. sometimes men can be like little children, you must spell everything out for them. if youre blue and you dont flat out tell him, he just aint gonna know. in these cases, dogs are the smarter ones.

lets play dress up:
dog - jackets, shirts, costumes, anything remotely human looking just looks adorable on a dog. best part is, if they hate it, you wont know it because youre too busy gushing over how cute they look.

man - deep down, every girl wants to dress up her man, even if its just once. ooh, to mold him into what your heart desires. if he looks way hot, the clothes wont stay on for very long, hence the complaints from him will be slim to none. no gushing with a dressed up man, just squeals... of (sexual) joy.

i talk, you listen:
dog - who talks to their dogs? who doesnt? you can talk to your dog for hours and you wont get any lip back either. there is a downside though. you usually sound like an idiot when you talk to your dog because your voice goes 8 octaves higher than usual and weird baby words just come spitting out your mouth like its your everyday language. dogs definitely listen, theyre probably just silently laughing at you.

man - you talk, and talk, and talk, and he spits out the occasionally, yeah, uh huh, thats too bad. is he listening? probably not. but at least hes pretending to showing that yes, he is still an asshole but making an effort at trying not to look like one. besides, if you wanted advice, youd ask your friends. if youre talking to your man, its either because you need to vent or youre mad at him hence his boring, repetitive responses back to you.

clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere:
dog - dogs are like kids. you gotta feed 'em, bathe 'em, clean up their crap.

man - men are like kids. you gotta feed 'em, hope they shower, clean up their crap.

so as gayliestar (and frank) would say, its up to you, new york, new york. one is easy to get, the other is easy to dispose, both are hard to train. is it worth all the work? as jill r would say, even if the outcome is bad, there are still fun moments before it that you dont want to miss out on.

special mention:
jamie: i dont like reading about famous people. i just like reading about me.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

the dj has lost his thumbelina

dj am and nicole richie are no longer the couple i was rooting for because they are no longer a couple. boo hoo. perez hilton got the inside scoop. just goes to show that if you wanna stay (skele)thin in hollywood, you either need gastric bypass surgery and/or just a ton of coke. then you can take your skinny ass and screw every guy you see. but is that the life every girl strives for? no, but is it the life every girl fantasizes about for at least a second? what, you havent?

special mention:
a throwback to a (cancelled) fave
valerie cherish: note to self - i dont need to see that.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

you look great. you did great. mazel tov!

so my coworker/future roommate victoria just got back from a mini european vacay. she had her cousins wedding in italy to go to. i helped her buy the shoes for the big party. they were pretty kickass. black sparkly heels ala dorothys ruby red slippers, except theyre black. so she had a great time but the pretty shoes just killed her feet. hours and hours in heels can do a number on any girl. so i just asked her, why didnt you just take your shoes off? reasonable question. she said they just dont do that over there. in italy. weird. anyway, all the party talk got me thinking about my all time favorite party era: the bar/bat mitzvah years. i say years because even though most have their big day in 7th grade, there are still a number of late bloomers who celebrate in 8th. besides, i didnt mind, hell i wouldve stretched it even longer. i love my ___mitzvahs! yeah, there were still sweet 16s to look forward to but in my book, bar/bat mitzvahs are where its at. nothing can top them. my reasons for why bar/bat mitzvahs rock:

even the boring part is entertaining/rewarding - lets face it, the middle school years are the ugliest years of anyones life. there is no good looking 11-13 year old anywhere. so to watch one of these youngins step up in front of all their family, friends, family friends, etc... and have to sing a hav torah, its pretty funny. even at 9 in the morning. and if that puts you to sleep, the challah bread at the end is worth sitting through the service. once it was cut, i was there, grabbing my slice. i love me my challah. challah! but the best reward of course, was the big ass party!

sometimes, id wish i was a guy - why you ask? the yarmulkes man! yeah, they dont exactly scream hip but im a sucker for anything with names on it... and anything that screams jew. seriously, if i ever end up having a jewish wedding, im gonna be psyched about the yarmulkes with my name it. so awesome!

names, names, and more names - the little things about bar/bat mitzvahs are what i like best about them. even though the new mans or womans name is plastered at every corner, what actually has my name is the place card. yeah, its simple but i loved that. looking for my name amongst the whole table of place cards. i especially liked the creative ones that went with the partys theme. my all time fave was jillers place cards or should i say maps. her theme: club jiller (or jiller island as i like to call it). x marked the spot. very clever stuff... of course by the jiller. even though i loved collecting my place cards, i knew exactly where i was sitting.

amadeus... point me to the deis - or as i like to call, the cool table and the only table to sit at. its the main table, the friends table. yeah, my friends will still say their cousins/brothers/sisters/family friends bar/bat mitzvahs are crazy fun, especially since its open bar and all but i still truly deep down think the friends of the main kid have the best time, hence a seat at the best table. the table usually has the biggest centerpiece and a huge string of balloons cascading over it. awesome, but i never get to my seat right away. hell no, then id miss the best part of the party.

screw the main course, i want first dibs on the apps - cocktail hour! this is the reason we sit through the services. cocktail hour rocks. while most girls were worried about looking like fat pigs in front of their prepubescent crushes, i was standing in front of the kitchen door, waiting for the yummy food to come rolling out. mini eggrolls, pigs in a blanket, shrimp cocktail, mini quishes, if its bite sized and fried, its going in my mouth. the main course was usually crap so i would always eat up during cocktail hour. girlies gotta eat to fuel up some energy.

i shouldve worked for ejm - if i wasnt eating or collecting my parting gift, i was on the dance floor. check my friends videos, im usually the one following the cheesy moves the dancers would work hard for the money with. dancing is such a huge part of these parties. of course the big man/woman would have to come out during the middle to show off the moves mommy and daddy paid extra for. you know at that age your dances moves are just as shaky as your voice. bar/bat mitzvahs are entertaining every minute.

take off your shoes and relax your feet - the trigger to this post. the people in italy are crazy for keeping their shoes on. take a tip from the jews: bring socks. thank goodness my bar/bat mitzvah years were during the scrunchie socks heyday. those looked slammin' with black tights and a puffy bottom dress. seriously, socks are a genius thing to bring because you can dance all you want and not want to chop your feet off at the end of the night. everyone wins!

my picture on a mug... genius idea! - or a keychain, or a cardboard "rich and famous" picture frame. man, the side tables with all the fun take home gifts were awesome! most memorable parting gift: music video from gena us under the sea bat mitzvah. even though music videos are probably a regular parting gift now, this was pretty big shit back in the day. im beginning to think these parties are more like carnivals: different booths with different prizes. man, this almost makes me wish i was 13 again. almost.

ive known you since elementary school. i think youre really cool. - candle light ceremony. the whos who intros of the big party. the big man/woman would usually dedicate a candle to all their friends (the deis people) but i say usually because that wasnt always the case. there were also those people who would dedicate a candle or two to only their closest friends. i understand why someone would do that because close friends should be appreciated but at the age of 13, if youre not called up to a candle, you question why you were invited to this thing in the first place. 13 man. its a very self conscious age. could drive any teen crazy. i advise any future mitzvah kids to always include all the your friends in the candle light ceremony. you might prevent a suicide or two.

you look great. you did great. mazel tov! - the sign-in board! i always pictured mine (when i fantasized about having a bat mitzvah) as me in my leotard doing some really cool gymnastics pose as my theme wouldve been gymnastics. the sign-in board is where you congratulate your friend on a job well done. even if you didnt know or even like that person too much, you could never go wrong with the usual "you look great. you did great. mazel tov!" message. it compliments and even has a little hebrew at the end.

the reason i would convert - chair ride! how much fun does it look. and they even do it at weddings too! yeah, the horah is fun, hava nagila everyone, but the chair ride is what its all about. i like to think of it as a human rollercoaster and i love me some rollercoasters. if christina aguilera can get a chair ride then i want one too.

memories: now on video, dvd, and full picture album - jews dont f- around when it comes to parties and what party would be complete without something to remember it by. i love the bar/bat mitzvah videos, even if i dont know the kid. the beginning usually has a montage of pics of the kid growing up followed by a shot of the invitation (which should be a paragraph on its own but i will say these invites rival any wedding invite youll ever see), then the "official" pics of the kid and fam posing all around the temple, and finally the party itself. theres always that one camera ho who has to be in every shot ("this is the best daddy. hes the best!") but those people are the ones that you laugh at the most. the pictures will always reveal something new, even when you look at them years later. all i have to say is the aim and i were sitting next to each other at jamies bat mitzvah. we only knew each other as jamies friend. now, over ten years later, we've survived a natural disaster, taken strip teasing lessons, taken silly drugs, and just basically have each others back with whatever path we choose to take. awesome.

seriously, jews just rock. i knew this before, but now, after writing about one of my fave things about jews, i totally appreciate the way they live. in good times and bad, jews know how to cope: with lots of food, comfort, and close people (family and good friends). and jews worry a lot, which i already do. thats why im a pseudo jew.

special mention:
speaking about a kid we went to high school with
jamie: ew. doesnt he have bad hair?
cassie: yeah. and i heard hes not with his band anymore.
jamie: great. so now hes just a guy with bad hair.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

im dreaming of a yellow xmas

3 more weeks til xmas. less than 21 days til i hop on a plane for sunny la. im excited for this fun vacay. spending it with my brosef and my fave cuz(s), driving, smoking, eating, warm weather. not that ive been hating the cold ny weather. not yet anyway but my loathing is building up and getting ready to explode. why do i hate the cold weather? because i hate the damn snow. white xmas, give me a nice sunny yellow xmas. dont get me wrong, i kinda like the cold weather. lord knows i look a lot hotter in a nice fitted sweater and tight jeans than a belly baring top with ho shorts. and id rather be cozying up in my huge comfy blanket than sweating bullets and throwing my sheets across the room. but i hate the snow. yeah it looks nice on trees but the nice nature canvas aint rewarding enough for the grief snow gives me. ugh. the reasons why i hate the snow:

1. shoveling - seriously, if i want nice chiseled arms, id do my 8 minute arms workout. i dont need the arm and back pain that comes with shoveling snow, that is of course unless i have a nice bottle of vicodin waiting for me. while the neighbors use their snow blowers to clear their driveways in a jiff, im walking into my house after an hour of aching shoveling with frozen snot on my face ala dumb and dumber. im raising my kids on the west coast. theyre not even gonna know what a shovel is.

2. not driver friendly weather - whats worse than shoveling snow is driving in it. especially when you drive a tiny vw cabrio and your office is on the steepest hill south of northern blvd. every 1/10 of a mile seems like an eternity when i drive in d2 at 10 mph, grabbing onto the steering wheel like an 80 year old granny. this is why i slave at work during the gorgeous sunny days of summer, so i can call in sick when the white stuff is on the ground.

3. parking friendly? not in nyc - ok so i dont live in the city yet but on the weekends, its my second home. finding parking in the city is tough but the snow makes it down right impossible. seriously, this is the stuff that causes winter blues: i get back and arm pains from shoveling the driveway, eye strains from concentrating on the road while driving, and then stressed the f! out while looking for a parking spot that doesnt have a mountain of snow blocking it. sounds like its gonna be a netflix-ed winter.

4. delays delays delays - traffic traffic traffic. snow sucks sucks sucks. i was hoping i wouldnt see any snow til '06 but no, we got our first glimpse this morning and supposedly more is coming this week. argh. please please please do not affect my flight to sunny la. ill cry cry cry.

5. more accidents - yeah, car accidents suck but im talking about the embarassing accidents. you know, you walk into work with coffee in one hand, car keys in the other, just happy that youre inside and not outside in the cold and frigid snowy weather. you take one step and all of a sudden, you feel air, a lot of it and then you feel the ground... under your ass. because you were walking in the slushy snow, your feet were wet causing you to slip and fall. snow is so annoying it needs your feet to be equipped with proper attire: boots. remember to wipe your feet, and your nose as itll probably be running.

so im looking forward to my west coast holiday. the sun, sun, mr golden sun. hehe. who am i kidding, ill probably feel like brenda walsh during her first holiday in the 90210. "i cant believe im wearing shorts in the middle of december." ok, i probably wont come back home with a tan but i will be strolling the streets without worrying about wearing a scarf or gloves. awesome.

the snow can have its fun parts. without snow, there wouldnt be any snow angels, snowmen, or even snowball fights but those things are usually fun things to do with either your kids or a boyfriend. some cool movie moments with snow:

serendipity - john cusack and kate beckinsale finally meeting up at the ice rink and it begins to snow. ugh, pretty people and snow. so nice i hate 'em.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - who knew montauk could be so cool. i would bare the freezing cold weather to lay on the snowy ground with that one supercool kickass guy.

snow day - ok, this is just a cool movie. snow day man. if you havent seen it, rent it. its awesome. "give us the wayne./ give me the bird./the wayne!/the bird!/the wayne!"

bundle up you new yorkers. its gonna get cold outside. as for the west coasters, get ready for crazy cousin cass. ima comin' in 3 weeks!

special mention:
rich making himself a hearty dinner
"the 'i love pig' special: ham and bacon on a hero!"

tom ending an intense convo with the "stick in the mud" asshole:
"obviously, youre not ready to talk business."

Thursday, December 01, 2005

im no barbara walters but...

december. end of the year. time to recap. rejoice. reflect. barbara walters always names the influential people of the year. i dont think im the person to name the most influential people in the world but i can give a shout out and thanks to the people who have influenced me. inspired me. helped me. loved me. you know. kickass people. so in no particular order:

jill r - not to be confused with the jiller. obviously my feel good mondays are named because of her but shes really helped me evolve. i dont want to call my process growing up because i was never really immature but this experience has been very eye-opening. even now. well over a year. im glad shes the one to lead me through this emotional obstacle course.

mahj and fahj - better known as mom and dad. as much as they drive me nuts, this year has been pretty good. not as many suicidal thought invoking moments as last year. seriously, i cant recall too many "wars" that happened in 2005. as much as they drive me crazy, i still admire them. theyre just hard working folks who believe in what they believe. true, we may have our differences but we've come to respect them. jo and i are even wearing xmas socks dad bought us. if you told us that a year ago, we wouldve laughed in your face. now its a fact.

dee - we've had a pretty breakthrough year. its been tough between us at times but we're pushing through. from the bottom and all the other places of my heart, i hope you get all you want and more importantly need this year, next year, every year. we worry because we love.

joinaclub - her fave line to me is, "what would you do without me?" which i would reply with, "same thing. just alone." truth is, without jo, id still find my way to whatever i was about to do, it would just take me 80 times longer. join keeps me in check. even when i start to fall into a downward spiral, she does whatever she can to pick me back up. wonderwoman right? oh yeah, and she bakes too. join!

ichford and son - my brosef. i have finally found the best the way to describe him: hes me... with balls (literally and figuratively). i love double meanings. seriously, i get a lot of de ja vu -ish moments when i see him sometimes except the way he handles situations is different from the way i wouldve handled them. its like watching a familiar movie but with an alternate ending. he answers people the way i wouldve loved to but was too scared to. he can be such an asshole sometimes, but his remarks are so damn witty than even though he just insulted you, youre also amazed too. thanks for always amazing me. we cooooooommmmmeeee!

jiller - the jiller. my symbiotic twin. except we're not very twin-like anymore. we've been through a lot of changes: you living in the city, you and the boyfriend (ok the jillers been through a lot) but our friendship hasnt changed. the one thing i was scared of, the one thing you vowed would never happen. what remarkable thing have you done for me this year? how bout urging me to start this blog. yes, i may have an audience of only 5 people, but at least im entertaining these 5 people and having a pretty rockin' time doing it. its even given me a self esteem boost and we all know those are hard to come by for me. hip hip hooray for the jiller.

melfur - talk about self esteem boost, one of my first friends to comment and compliment this stuff. seriously, one of my favorite things to do is laugh and i can always count on melfur to help me do just that. i love her weekends on the island. we drive, we smoke, we eat, we talk, we laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. her teaching stories are hysterical. im glad shes out there educating and disciplining. even if it is in the boogie down bronx. if you ever need any jewish banter (and who doesnt) melfur is the best!

gayliestar - if it werent for gayliestar, id be another cheesy snob head who thinks the city is the only place to be. so not true. wouldnt know the streets (the main ones anyway) of astoria if it werent for g-star. we both share the same feelings about what money is worth and know that while our "cheesy flirt" friends are showing skin like its their job, our mysterious scorpio hotness is all we need for a night out. dont have to be half naked. what this year was lacking though: smokin' and dyin' and mcdonalds sunday morning breakfasts. what was cool though: the ti li headband and our best pic ever (halloween!).

aim - omg! aim aim aim!!! this year was definitely the craziest for us for sure. what havent we been through should be the question. seriously, i would go on another (botched) vacation with you any day. i picked you up, you picked me up. it worked out. we met jake! we met jake! you went to paradise. i got to hear all the fun stories. i cant wait for the "movie debut" and the crazy stories ahead. seriously, we dont need a cruise to have a fun time. if we can survive a natural disaster together, everything else will feel like a (chocalate wrap) good time. hehe.

jamie - jiller may have gotten me to start this blog but jamies the reason why it gets updated so frequently. the constant pressure of providing a blog with her breakfast. hehe. i gladly write these for her (and everyone elses) reading enjoyment. jams not only used to be my pseudo super (i lived at the peach pit) but she was and still is my "jill r" during off duty times. who am i kidding, she even tells me what to talk about with jill r before my sessions. hehe. shes my insider life guide. not only does she give me advice, but jamies the only one who can tolerate my voice enough to bust out to any songs we're obsessed with at the moment (its currently rent). and shes also a frequent special mention. special mention!

speaking of special mention, this list also has a special mention (or two).

the lauren special mention:

- my first and very close friend from work. we've been through so much its amazing to think we've only known each other for a little over a year. we were forced to cohabitate during a business trip to chicago but seriously, im so thankful for that trip. it really cemented our friendship. and we needed the friendship to endure the crazy ex-boss we had. we've had so many fun times together and i know we're gonna have a lot more. even though we dont work together anymore, its so great to know we're still good friends. awesome. and the she-devil is now out of the company. double awesome.

bods - when i transferred to hofstra, i thought i would go there and just take my classes. ive got friends. why make more. but bods. shes a loon. maybe thats why we got along so famously. we were both shining stars in our journalism class (ok, she had everything together while i would make faces at the camera), but we both had mouths of sailors and werent afraid to use 'em. and the random dance bust outs in class. im glad we get together to destress about work and our equally crazy siblings.

special mention:
"so-AH-ry. they dont mean it when it goes up in the middle. so-AH-ry."

ellen degeneres is a genius.