Tuesday, January 04, 2011

forced feelings

you cant force someone to like you. if that were possible, i wouldve had numerous boyfriends in hs. heck. i wouldve had boyfriends since 2nd grade. but alas, you cant force someone to feel a certain way towards a person. ive learned that the hard way. when i introduced my man to my fam, i thought theyd welcome him with arms. of course, being my fam, how could i think meeting my bf would be a nice, easy time. the barrage of phone calls i received from my sisters and parents about the work i needed to do on him if i really wanted him to stay was not something i expected or was prepared for. i took the criticisms really hard. how could they not see the same man that i see with my eyes. of course after 4 years, i did start to see the "work" that needed to be done but i also knew it wasnt my mans fault but my own. i shouldve taught/reminded him that being respectful in an asian house is much different than the house and environment he grew up in. now the issue is him remembering to follow the "respect rules" of an asian household which is hard for him to do bc if he doesnt believe in something, its hard for him to follow. i know hes putting as much effort as possible bc he loves me and wants to see me happy but i still feel like im playing the mine field game when we go to family gatherings. except its harder bc its not me whos walking on the field, but my man. you cant control what a person says and does. especially my man. he walks to his own drumbeat and he really likes his drums.
now, the tables have a turned a bit. actually, it started last year - my 3rd trip down to anguilla with my mans fam. it was also the 2nd year in a row my mans bro was single. the words that spilled out of my mans bros mouth stung me. he told my man, "youre so boring now. cassie has changed you, for the WORSE." ive somehow singlehandedly changed my man from a beer guzzling fun guy to a boring homebody. the WORSE possible thing ever! after that trip, i told my man, i will not be joining his family next year for their annual holiday anguilla trip unless his bro has a gf. i figured if he came with a lady, they can go out together and then my man and i can continue to be the WORSE thing ever: BORING.
well his bro did find a lady to bring to the trip, so my man and i decided to come back down and join the fam. i thought great, this year will be like my first trip down here. the bro had a gf and they went out every night without even asking if we'd like to join them. they had their fun couple nights out while my man and i had our BORING couples nights in.
so we are down here and the bro wanted us to go out. honestly, i thought i was doing everyone a favor when i told my man to go out with his bro and his lady while i went back to the villa with his parents after the nightly family dinner. i knew i would be a debbie downer and my man wouldnt be as fun as he can be bc he'd be "babysitting" me the entire time. why would i be a debbie downer? well, i dont drink alcohol and i hate talking to people. what do people do when they go to bars? drink alcohol and talk to random people. yeah, not my idea of a good time and trust me, that wouldve been written all over my face bc this girl does not have what they call, a poker face. my emotions arent on my damn sleeve, theyre on my tan, freckled face.
i thought last night was great. i got to answer a bunch of emails, surf fb, and read my fun book while watching golden girls without any "havent you seen this episode already"'s from my bf. my bf came back last night and said he had a blast. mission accomplished! or so i thought. apparently, this is not good enough. i am not a good compromiser. compromising is doing something you absolutely have no interest in doing to make, not your man, but your mans bro happy?
ugh, i guess this is karma biting me in the ass. ive told my man so many times that he cant just be good to me but my fam too. crap, now i have to do the same thing even if it means getting alcohol poisoning and feeling my heart beat hard and rapidly out of my chest while my breaths get shorter and shorter as my face gets redder and redder and hotter and hotter. yes! im so looking forward to tonight and every single night we have left of this vacation.
there really is something wrong with me. im in paradise and im complaining. am i ungrateful.com or just homesick.com or selfish.com? i dont know. wish i did so i can buck up and be happy already. well, at least i have freckles on my face :)