Thursday, August 16, 2007

multiple choice: a. fam b. goggles c. pms

ive been feeling not so great lately. i nearly broke down yesterday. that was just a mix of bad mta luck, bitchy sales people at work, and things not turning out the way i wanted/expected socially. amazingly, none of the probs dealt with my fam... not directly anyway. i guess my blues are linked to my man. i started seeing him in a different light and i dont like how its making me feel and act. i dont want little things to bother me yet thats exactly whats been going on. ugh. are the things my fam is saying true? are my love goggles starting to slip off of my eyes? am i just extra emotional bc aunt flo is in town? ive been telling my man my 'tude is bc of the latter latter. i dont want him to think hes done anything wrong. not yet anyway. i wanna pinpoint my probs and then address them. i dont wanna walk around and just accuse silly things.

a thing le join has mentioned to me a few weeks ago has really been brewing in my mind: keys. she wonders why the lb hasnt given me a set of keys to his apt. i must say that it hurt a lil when we ran into his next door neighbor and he mentioned giving her a set of keys just in case he locks himself out. he was being totally reasonable. who doesnt give a set of keys to their neighbors. but i guess i was hurt bc he thought of giving it to the neighbor without even thinking of giving me a set. am i just being a crazy gf aka a normal girl? ugh, normal with feelings.

honestly, i really dont need a set of keys. i always go his apt when hes there. (please, i would have no other reason to be there.) but there have been a few times when i trudge up those three flights of stairs and my darling is not home. the first time it happened, i got a surprise (remember the american apparel? i sure do!). but the last time just made me upset. i knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. i heard the tv but nothing else. then i called my man and he didnt pick up. not the first call, not the second, not the third. this prompted me to run down to the street. he was probably picking up dinner on the block (the man is a bit lazy, i know he aint walking more than a block). checked the bagel place and even tasti d-lite. nothing. i started to panick. where could he be? he finally called and told me he was eating at vera cruz (the restaurant directly below his apt, which also shut down the following day).

so i walked in and there he was sitting at the bar having some din din. chatting up the bartender and some other guy sitting two stools away. ah. thats what i love about him. place him anywhere, and he could talk to just about anybody. at the same time, that exact thing is what bugged me that night. he was too busy chatting it up that he couldnt even simply text me to let me know where he was. he knew i was on my way to see him. plus, this is also the same reason it takes him forever to leave anywhere. bc of convos with strangers. as we were leaving, he started a convo with some chick reading some rather large book. thankfully jiller called so i got to leave to talk to her outside. and i bet my man didnt even realize i was gone. am i being too selfish about his attention? i shouldnt expect it 24/7. hes a friendly guy. hes an aquarius.

actually, when i did an astrological match with our signs, the results werent too peachy. actually, this is the exact problem the stars said we would have. aquariuses want to be loved by the world while scorpios are just focused on one. while i just want his attention, he wants to talk to everyone. this actually happened last night (which was also the last straw to my pissy-ness, well one of the last ones). after my hectic day at work, i had a night of karaoke with my girls. since the place was only a few blocks away from my office, i planned on leaving straight from work. well, i planned on meeting the lb at my office and then going together. i know telling that man anything in advance goes in one ear and out the other so i planned on telling him during our afternoon im convo. well we didnt have an im convo yesterday but he did call me a lil before 6. i told him my plan and he said that he didnt think he'd be able to make it to my office in time. i was a bit hurt but said fine, he could meet us at the place. im still a strong independent woman. i can go to places on my own.

what irked me was why he came so late. he chose to please others instead of trying to make me happy. i received a call from him about 6:55pm. i asked where he was and he was at his next door neighbors apt. her bf has some sciatic leg so he stopped by with some herbal remedies. he was gonna leave in around 10 mins. his 10 mins, especially when theres herb around, is usually 30 mins so i just hung up and texted him the address of the karaoke place. so is the fam right -does he not appreciate me? are my love goggles wearing off - has he always been like this and im just noticing this now? is this pms - is this not a big deal and im just letting my emotions get the best of me?

so karaoke night was fun for the most part. i busted out to a song ive never sung before. ballroom blitz. i wanted to be just cassandra from waynes world. i may not look as good as she does in a short red dress but my bust out was pretty stellar. got some rave reviews and some looks of shock. the perf was great except for one thing missing: my bf. he didnt come in until a good 2-3 songs after. it was a strange but familiar pain which i was finally able to identify this morning. he missed my perf just like my fam missed all my (gymnastics) meets. like i wasnt important enough to them to make the effort to come out and see. i did so awesome and they missed it. ok, so the lb didnt know i was gonna pull a stellar perf. and i guess he didnt know it was important to me for him to come to this on time. heck i didnt even know it meant that much to me until after the damage had been done. is this just pms? is this another case of him not appreciating me? why and how does my fam get me to think like this each time? did they switch my love goggles with hate goggles?

another mini case of selfishness/unappreciating was on the subway ride home. i thought it was just me but adam noticed it too! my man started reading a book while we were riding the subway. adam came up to us and was like, "ill chat with cass since youre ignoring her with your book." im no fool. i started to take out my ipod. but again, is this him being selfish for wanting to read instead of talking to me or me being selfish for wanting his attention? do i want his attention or do i just crave attention from any man?

there was a time when i thought the phj was the grooviest. i loved the attention and affection i got from him. and like i said, he made me feel like sexy bitch. but once he went away, i realized that that was it, i just liked the attention. sure hes a cool guy, but i dont love him. ew. please. our last time together wasnt even that spectacular. thats when i knew i was completely over him... when i was under him (lol. sorry. had to add that pun!)

now that i (think i) got my love goggles off, ive realized, the lb is so similar to my fam. hes got dees mouth. will say whatever and whenever he pleases. and the example i gave above about missing my perf is so like my parents. am i a masochist who likes to torture herself?

i know actions say a lot, but so do his words. he knows when something is wrong with me and is the first person to ask how to fix it. i dont know why, but i just didnt have the heart to tell him that he was the problem. maybe im scared to tell him what i want for fear of disappointment. what if i told him that coming to karaoke on time would mean a lot to me and he still came late? i wouldve been ten times more upset. i guess i didnt tell him to come on time bc i didnt want to be a burden. id rather be the upset one than make someone else upset, angry, mad. is this just a habit i obtained from living with my sisters? easier to be in a slight displeasure than give them any displeasure at all. maybe this is all my fault. ive been too lenient with him that i cant bring myself to put my foot down. maybe im scared to put my foot down. scared that it will turn him off and away. maybe he likes me so much bc im so easy going. what if that easygoing-ness went away? but would i wanna be with someone who cant handle me putting my foot down at time? am i overanalyzing bc of a. my fam, b. the loss of love goggles, or c. pms?

ah, i still love the man. i know he loves me too. he hates seeing me down and will do just about anything to make me happy. he even said he likes worrying about me. ah. thats love. he thinks my down-ness may be due to my fams (dis)liking of him but hes gonna try really hard to change that around. oh, any man that will deal with my fam willingly is a man who loves me. maybe ill voice out how i feel although now i understand all those normal girls. sure its simple, tell a man what to do and he will do it. but sometimes you want your man to just know what you want and do it before you ask. its nice and considerate. that lil extra step can go miles and miles. damn feelings. how do i just keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones? is there a pill? can someone prescribe them to me?


Blogger I'm Not A Publicist said...

um, i mean, lets be honest, you were no cassandra from waynes world, because girl, you were sooo much better. you were awesome! you rocked the casbah!

8:38 PM  

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