skinny exes: a threat.... not to me =)

if you didnt know already, things with the btj have been pretty smooth and a lot of fun. its strange how much fun you can have with a person while doing absolutely nothing. so you can imagine how i felt when i checked my calendar and saw a packed ass week. work events, party and errands on long island; my lazy ass was having a bd just thinking about it. no time for doing nothing? booooooooooooooo! so naturally i busted out of a work event early last night. yeah, its a surprise i even went at all but the aim was gonna be there since her company was sponsoring it and well, that was reason enough for me to go.

so as i left the bar and walked to the subway, i rang up the btj. much to my surprise, he was NOT staying in his apt and was going out to a local bar to meet a friend. actually, an old girlfriend from high school. no not a friend whos a girl but an ex-girlfriend. yup. naturally he invited me to go and gave me the "reassurance" that his relationship with this chica was totally platonic now. totally felt like i was in a tizzy-tastic carrie bradshaw moment and i blurted out, ok see you soon.

as i rode the subway, i tried to keep myself calm and cool. this should be an interesting experience or could possibly be a bad one. my inner selves were arguing with each other: this is a bad idea, i shouldnt have called him in the first place/i have the busiest 3 days ahead of me, might as well have a session with my "man" when i can. then as i started walking to the bar, i almost turned around twice to call him and say i wasnt feeling well and that i was going home. but i couldnt let myself do that. im trying to confront situations, not run away from them and besides, this wasnt something scary. whats there to run away from. so i walked into the bar with a smile on my face and a nice attitude to exude.

luckily the two sat right in the front of the bar so it wasnt hard to miss them. sat down got a beer and had a nice convo... yeah right. you know i was analyzing this girl from the second i saw her. im a woman. we're judgemental. we size up any girl who comes our way. even if she isnt a "threat" to us. its just natural. anyhoo, first thing i noticed was that this girl was thin thin thin. normally that fact alone wouldve sent me into suicidal mode but i guess my new "im awesome" attitude is kinda instilled in me. no skinny bitch can bring me down. then i noticed how quiet she is. she wasnt mute or anything but her voice is very low (volume not tone) and i had to lean on my lip reading skills to figure out what she was saying. she was also very sweet. very nice. found out her slim physique was due to her years in ballet. homegirl only stopped dancing about a year and a half ago. she started when she was 5. word.

couldnt tell if she still had feelings for el btj though. there were a few brief moments when i felt like cameron diaz in my best friends wedding. the scene when they all go to the karaoke bar and julia and dermott are reliving their glory days and cams just like, i love venice... crickets. but i said, those moments were few and brief. the btj is actually really cool like that, made everyone feel comfortable in a not so comfy situation. so after about an hour and a half of nursing a cold amstel light and listening to ok live bar music, the btj and i left for his apt and he let me in on the history between him and the skinny ballerina.

he basically dated this dancer the summer between high school and college. didnt end things on the greatest terms bc he was a boy about to enter college and we all know what male teens think about college. so he ran into her a few years ago and well, theyve kept in touch. who really cares about this anyway. this is about ME!

the truth is, im glad i went to the bar and didnt chicken out of it. if i didnt go then i wouldnt have had a heart to heart with the btj. after talking about the chica, we just did our thing back at his apt but also had some deep convos. we basically told each other why we're so loco. i guess the best part was how i felt at the end of the night. i felt great. i felt like a not so skinny but still a hot girl whos not as shy as i once thought and i really do have a rapist wit. ok, maybe not a rapist wit but i can definitely sprinkle in my little quirky jabs in convos here and there. i really like me. and thats just awesome.

you know you have an anger problem when...

no. im not talkin bout myself. actually, my lack of new posts is due to my lack of anger (gotta love regular booty endorphins). im describing someone else. a kind of blind item except once you read my description, its gonna be pretty damn clear who this person is.

you know you have an anger problem when you need both sets of hands and feet to count the number of jobs you got fired from yet the numbers of jobs you left on your own cant even fill a whole hand.

you know you have an anger problem when the longest friendship you ever had consisted of you being disgusted by your so called best friend, letting the disgust build up for years, then finally lashing out at said friend only to end the friendship for no apparent reason except for the fact that you was angry that the friend was gettin booty (albeit from nasty boys who were either friends with or related to each other) and you wasnt (maybe bc youre an angry bitch!).

you know you have an anger problem when the nicest friendship you ever had lasted maybe a year and thats bc it was a long distance friendship.

you know you have an anger problem when even your own dog growls in your face.

you know you have an anger problem when your family only talks to you bc youre blood related and when you do talk to them its mostly you yelling and them wishing they were anyplace else than with you.

you know you got an anger problem when youre fave line is "im gonna punch you."

you know you have an anger problem when an endearing touch from you is a whack on the back of the head.

you know you have an anger problem and are absolutely nutso lunatic'in crazy when other people tell you to calm down and you think theyre the ones with the problem.

homegirl needs to seek therapy and stop projecting. youre the one who sucks at life. get help and then get some booty. thatll knock the anger right outta ya!

special mention:
jamie: life is easier when everyone around you is happy.
good advice for angry bitches. too bad this particular angry bitch only listens to herself.

peni power preguntas

so this past weekend, i spent some quality time with me! i even took myself out on a cute date running errands and going to fun eateries. wonderful. i should feel refreshed and alive. have a better sense of who i am. alone time, me time, time to find me time. well, the only thing i knew for a fact was that when given the opportunity to do whatever i want, i choose to do nothing. yup, im a fat lazy bitch. spent the majority of my weekend playing the island game on my bed, only leaving my mattress when nature... or my hunger called. anyway, just bc my bod was pretty much immobile, doesnt mean the wheels upstairs were taking a brake(get it, brake, break, pun is intended people!). my minds been on overdrive and what drives a girl nuttier than a nutrageous bar, the damn peni power.

ive been thinking about my relationship with the btj. damn maj and her maj-erly advice. ive been seeing him with an ignorant blanket over my eyes (emphasis on the ignor part of ignorant). its not that i didnt know, i just chose to ignore it. thinking if i continue to ignore, my feelings will eventually follow my head and all will be dandy. the damn peni power, the damn power of feelings. yes, feelings. im getting them. ok fine, i have them. well, i guess admitting is the first step to... to... to... inner peace? damn damn damn, i like the damn btj.

so the maj says i should just cut him loose. jiller says i should keep him on the side. i like jillers advice much better but its hard to keep someone on the side if you dont have a main dish. so i started hunting. i got a mini boost last week when someone i wouldve winked at myself wrote me. kickin! so i wrote him back and sent him my quirky quiz i give to any and all potential suiters. imagine my surprise when he returned the quiz and the answers were splendid! excited fo sho, i immediately wrote back and gave him my number. this was on friday. today is monday. if i dont hear anything by tomorrow, im sticking this one in the done and done file. sad and sad.

another "fun" surprise this morning: i went on a winkfest last week and one of them actually responded back! the response wasnt ideal, it was a wink back instead of an email, but a response is still a response. i dont understand the wink backs though. i may NOT respond back to this guy. no balls to actually write me. ugh! why is dating so damn difficult?!

is this why i keep on keepin on holdin onto the btj? is it from fear? fear of being "alone" again? i put alone in quotes bc technically i am and have been "alone" but im rather quite enjoying being fake alone than the real deal alone alone. the btj and i are pretty much in a relationship without the title but the title is really everything if you think about it. the title is the safety net. the net thatll block any dumb ho that tries to interfere. am i willing to keep going without the net? is he ever scared someones gonna snatch me away or does he not worry? why isnt he worrying? arent i a hot bitch who can be wooed away by the next studly gentleman that comes my way? why doesnt he care if i leave? is it bc im not jewish? why is it so hard for me to find someone else? i dont wanna hear the bullshit bc i dont go out enough but the truth is, do i really wanna meet my future boyfriend at some bar? then again, georgia is marrying a guy she met a bar. am i not cutting him loose bc i actually like him? am i scared hes gonna do the cutting before me? will it be possible to stay friends with him when the sex is over? we have been able to hang out and not have sex but thats bc of the presence of mother natures nasty aunt. is he embarassed to be with me? am i crazy carrie to his commitment phobic big? am i just addicted to sex? ive been alone alone for well over 20 years, why is it so hard for me to go back to that? why are these questions running through my head right now? is it bc tax season is here and the faj says i can get a lot more money back if im married? is it bc another one of my friends just got engaged this weekend? will i ever have a real relationship? if i do, will it be my only real relationship? am i a difficult person to be around? in the words of queen: can anybody find me, somebody to love!

special mention (fat lazy bitch weekend edition):
jim walsh: speaking of people doing stupid things, can you keep an eye on valerie and her incense lighting problem.
cindy walsh: she just needs a positive influence.
brandon walsh: one role model coming up.
last meal at the peach pit before jim and cindys move to hong kong (incense lighting = reefer madness)
valerie malone = my fave badass rebel whore - smokin in the walsh house... amazing!

maj-erly advice

ok, so i dont have the best relationship with my folks but i think weve been on a pretty good track lately. i dont tell them every little detail of my life but i send them major bullet points of whats goin on. so the maj and faj know about the btj. they dont know much about him but they know hes a friend of mine. i never divulged in any details however as le join would always tell me, "a mother knows when her chickens been plucked." im sure theyre dying to meet him but i never wanted that to happen bc how would the intro go: maj, faj meet my bowflex, my alternative to the gym, hes also my tokin' buddy too. even the brosef was like, i dont wanna meet your f#$% buddy.

anyway, dee was having probs with her bf earlier this week and well, i guess her domestic probs got the maj thinking about my "love life" and caused her to call me up and give some maj-erly advice. woman basically told me that at my age, i should be dating around and not settling down so if im not gonna marry this kid (the btj) than i should cut him loose. done and done. not that easy. its hard to leave someone or something when theres nothing wrong or bad about it. also, im speaking on behalf of my defense, its not like ive been ignoring other opportunities. i just didnt have any other outlets available.

just when i was getting comfortable with the btj, the maj has to spring this thought evoking advice on me. the wheels in my head wouldnt stop turning and my feelings started to surface. i got a little upset at the thought of not hanging out with him. yikes. but then, something miraculous happened, a potential, thats right potential suitor, wrote me from match. i wrote him back and im waiting for a response. hope i get one. after that one, two more people wrote me although i wont be responding back bc theyre gross and im picky. anyway, the good thing is, my match stock is goin up. miraculous coincidence or does the maj have a superpower over my life that i dont know about?

anyway, the thought of the end of my relationship with the btj still makes me sad. not saying its gonna end tomorrow. it probably wont end for a long time. probably til one of us finds another. that time will eventually come, i just didnt think about when it would and how it would be when it does. living in the now is so much fun. it has a great ignorant bliss feel to it but is that a good way to live? what is the right way to live? do i want to do whats right or whats fun? i know my clock is ticking but i feel like i just started playing.

special mention:
kelly taylor = worst person ever!!!

shout out or shut up

yeah, ive got opinions but i tend to keep them to myself. for as long as i can remember, ive always kept my mouth shut, bottling up all my feelings inside bc i was afraid. what was/am i afraid of? back then, i was clearly frightened of my sister. scared of saying something that might make her mad. that fear stuck with me wherever i went, even without her presence. i was too scared to say how i felt bc what i was feeling/thinking was probably dumb. thats what i figured out during my time with jill r, i was always too scared to put myself out there and possibly sound like an idiot.

so youd think with my new self esteem, id be confident to say what i wanna say. WRONG! im still cautious about what comes out of my piehole but its not my feelings i have to worry about. see, with years of silence come years of observations. seeing the truth. well, the truth hurts at times and i havent quite mastered the art of telling it like it is without hurting the person im telling it to. please. im still working on accepting some truths about my life and myself but if i see something, should i follow the mtas rules and actually say something? should i try to help someone out although it may sting them or just let them go on in their blissful state of ignorance (my fave state btw).

what sparked this intuitive spiral? a comment i made to le join about gio. i know my opinion came from watching too much dog whisperer, damn you cesar millan!, but my frustrations about how le join has been taking care of gio have been building up for a while. one small comment out of my mouth stirred up tears, dirty looks and the silent treatment/one word responses from le join. even after numerous apologies, i could still see the pain in her eyes. i hurt her. i just wanted to help but instead made her cry. whats worse is that she sees my comments coming from a selfish place. she thinks im saying these things bc im fed up with walking the dog myself. well yeah, it sucks to come back home at the wee hours of the night bc i have to walk the damn dog in the morning. but honestly, i do that bc im not selfish. doesnt it suck when all im trying to do is give some advice and the person twists it around into a selfish comment.

so what do i do? should i keep my mouth shut and continue to watch unjustice and unhealthiness (if thats even a word) exist or should i keep speaking up even though the people who need to hear it close their ears up and translate my words into utter nonsense? or should i choose option c. send a tape to the dog whisperer and hope that cesar will train gio and le join properly?

special mention (dog whisperer edition):
remember, your dog needs
1. exercise
2. discipline
3. affection
in that order.