Tuesday, December 06, 2005

you look great. you did great. mazel tov!

so my coworker/future roommate victoria just got back from a mini european vacay. she had her cousins wedding in italy to go to. i helped her buy the shoes for the big party. they were pretty kickass. black sparkly heels ala dorothys ruby red slippers, except theyre black. so she had a great time but the pretty shoes just killed her feet. hours and hours in heels can do a number on any girl. so i just asked her, why didnt you just take your shoes off? reasonable question. she said they just dont do that over there. in italy. weird. anyway, all the party talk got me thinking about my all time favorite party era: the bar/bat mitzvah years. i say years because even though most have their big day in 7th grade, there are still a number of late bloomers who celebrate in 8th. besides, i didnt mind, hell i wouldve stretched it even longer. i love my ___mitzvahs! yeah, there were still sweet 16s to look forward to but in my book, bar/bat mitzvahs are where its at. nothing can top them. my reasons for why bar/bat mitzvahs rock:

even the boring part is entertaining/rewarding - lets face it, the middle school years are the ugliest years of anyones life. there is no good looking 11-13 year old anywhere. so to watch one of these youngins step up in front of all their family, friends, family friends, etc... and have to sing a hav torah, its pretty funny. even at 9 in the morning. and if that puts you to sleep, the challah bread at the end is worth sitting through the service. once it was cut, i was there, grabbing my slice. i love me my challah. challah! but the best reward of course, was the big ass party!

sometimes, id wish i was a guy - why you ask? the yarmulkes man! yeah, they dont exactly scream hip but im a sucker for anything with names on it... and anything that screams jew. seriously, if i ever end up having a jewish wedding, im gonna be psyched about the yarmulkes with my name it. so awesome!

names, names, and more names - the little things about bar/bat mitzvahs are what i like best about them. even though the new mans or womans name is plastered at every corner, what actually has my name is the place card. yeah, its simple but i loved that. looking for my name amongst the whole table of place cards. i especially liked the creative ones that went with the partys theme. my all time fave was jillers place cards or should i say maps. her theme: club jiller (or jiller island as i like to call it). x marked the spot. very clever stuff... of course by the jiller. even though i loved collecting my place cards, i knew exactly where i was sitting.

amadeus... point me to the deis - or as i like to call, the cool table and the only table to sit at. its the main table, the friends table. yeah, my friends will still say their cousins/brothers/sisters/family friends bar/bat mitzvahs are crazy fun, especially since its open bar and all but i still truly deep down think the friends of the main kid have the best time, hence a seat at the best table. the table usually has the biggest centerpiece and a huge string of balloons cascading over it. awesome, but i never get to my seat right away. hell no, then id miss the best part of the party.

screw the main course, i want first dibs on the apps - cocktail hour! this is the reason we sit through the services. cocktail hour rocks. while most girls were worried about looking like fat pigs in front of their prepubescent crushes, i was standing in front of the kitchen door, waiting for the yummy food to come rolling out. mini eggrolls, pigs in a blanket, shrimp cocktail, mini quishes, if its bite sized and fried, its going in my mouth. the main course was usually crap so i would always eat up during cocktail hour. girlies gotta eat to fuel up some energy.

i shouldve worked for ejm - if i wasnt eating or collecting my parting gift, i was on the dance floor. check my friends videos, im usually the one following the cheesy moves the dancers would work hard for the money with. dancing is such a huge part of these parties. of course the big man/woman would have to come out during the middle to show off the moves mommy and daddy paid extra for. you know at that age your dances moves are just as shaky as your voice. bar/bat mitzvahs are entertaining every minute.

take off your shoes and relax your feet - the trigger to this post. the people in italy are crazy for keeping their shoes on. take a tip from the jews: bring socks. thank goodness my bar/bat mitzvah years were during the scrunchie socks heyday. those looked slammin' with black tights and a puffy bottom dress. seriously, socks are a genius thing to bring because you can dance all you want and not want to chop your feet off at the end of the night. everyone wins!

my picture on a mug... genius idea! - or a keychain, or a cardboard "rich and famous" picture frame. man, the side tables with all the fun take home gifts were awesome! most memorable parting gift: music video from gena us under the sea bat mitzvah. even though music videos are probably a regular parting gift now, this was pretty big shit back in the day. im beginning to think these parties are more like carnivals: different booths with different prizes. man, this almost makes me wish i was 13 again. almost.

ive known you since elementary school. i think youre really cool. - candle light ceremony. the whos who intros of the big party. the big man/woman would usually dedicate a candle to all their friends (the deis people) but i say usually because that wasnt always the case. there were also those people who would dedicate a candle or two to only their closest friends. i understand why someone would do that because close friends should be appreciated but at the age of 13, if youre not called up to a candle, you question why you were invited to this thing in the first place. 13 man. its a very self conscious age. could drive any teen crazy. i advise any future mitzvah kids to always include all the your friends in the candle light ceremony. you might prevent a suicide or two.

you look great. you did great. mazel tov! - the sign-in board! i always pictured mine (when i fantasized about having a bat mitzvah) as me in my leotard doing some really cool gymnastics pose as my theme wouldve been gymnastics. the sign-in board is where you congratulate your friend on a job well done. even if you didnt know or even like that person too much, you could never go wrong with the usual "you look great. you did great. mazel tov!" message. it compliments and even has a little hebrew at the end.

the reason i would convert - chair ride! how much fun does it look. and they even do it at weddings too! yeah, the horah is fun, hava nagila everyone, but the chair ride is what its all about. i like to think of it as a human rollercoaster and i love me some rollercoasters. if christina aguilera can get a chair ride then i want one too.

memories: now on video, dvd, and full picture album - jews dont f- around when it comes to parties and what party would be complete without something to remember it by. i love the bar/bat mitzvah videos, even if i dont know the kid. the beginning usually has a montage of pics of the kid growing up followed by a shot of the invitation (which should be a paragraph on its own but i will say these invites rival any wedding invite youll ever see), then the "official" pics of the kid and fam posing all around the temple, and finally the party itself. theres always that one camera ho who has to be in every shot ("this is the best daddy. hes the best!") but those people are the ones that you laugh at the most. the pictures will always reveal something new, even when you look at them years later. all i have to say is the aim and i were sitting next to each other at jamies bat mitzvah. we only knew each other as jamies friend. now, over ten years later, we've survived a natural disaster, taken strip teasing lessons, taken silly drugs, and just basically have each others back with whatever path we choose to take. awesome.

seriously, jews just rock. i knew this before, but now, after writing about one of my fave things about jews, i totally appreciate the way they live. in good times and bad, jews know how to cope: with lots of food, comfort, and close people (family and good friends). and jews worry a lot, which i already do. thats why im a pseudo jew.

special mention:
speaking about a kid we went to high school with
jamie: ew. doesnt he have bad hair?
cassie: yeah. and i heard hes not with his band anymore.
jamie: great. so now hes just a guy with bad hair.


Post a Comment

<< Home