Tuesday, December 13, 2005

winter blues = fat hef

wintertime. families, parties, good times, good food, cold weather, cold snow, big bed, big comfy blanket, oh and whats that collecting dust in the corner of the room, ah yes, the treadmill. we work so hard to have tight hot bods for our skankdalous summertime outfits. we even try and continue this "working out" in the fall saying, its not just for weight loss but for health. even though wintertime celebrations begin with thanksgiving for most, my celebrating starts a month earlier, hence a month more of pigging out and neglecting my pilates dvds. heres the wintertime blues timeline and the succession of how a hot bod turns into cold blob of mushy flab. nasty.

september - the weather starts to get cold. still working out a few times a week but the workouts start to decrease as you notice sweaters and full length jeans can cover up a lot. its also a reality check when you go out at night in just a tank top and pants and realize youre actually cold and need at least a cardigan. damn.

october - party party party. the workouts have officially stopped. how can you put yourself through torturous sessions on the treadmill when its your birthday! and your friends birthday. and your brothers birthday. please, get rid of the dumbells and hand me a slice of cake. its my bday its my bday.

november - after deciding to start working out again slowly, and even buying a new workout dvd to ease me back into the groove (budokon baby!), that decision goes out the window. theres gayliestars bday and my fave holiday of all time: thanksgiving. hello! a holiday thats based on food, how the hell do you not pack on a few pounds. and take a long nap. love the food and nap combo. its the best.

december - after waking up from a tryptophan induced coma, its time to hit the road... to the malls. the christmas songs are already playing on the radio. every store has red and white stripes, with the occasional blue and white stars and menorahs too. the roads are packed. the parking lots are nightmares. its december. the first half of the month is stress stress stress... from either road rage, buying presents, or road rage from buying presents. but the second half of the month is celebrate, party, eat, drink, and be merry. yeah, theres low fat alternatives to all the holiday faves but i always go by the saying, go big or go home. and i usually do both. you eat and eat and drink and drink and by the end of the year, youre too drunk or full to realize how much youve consumed.

january - new years resolutions. first resolution: lose the holiday weight. how long does that last? depends on the weather. seriously, if theres a blizzard, theres no way a trip to the gym is on the agenda. the gym is replaced by being wrapped up in a huge blanket in bed or sitting in front of the tv... wrapped up in a huge blanket. if i decide to let my arm out of the toasty blanket, its either to change the channel or stuff my face. sure theres joinaclubs bday and jamies bday, which i always squeeze my fat ass into a skanky black dress for, but after those parties, its back to the blanket.

february - never had a boyfriend for valentines day and i fear this year will be no different. no boy toy to look cute for in a hot little red number so where will you find me? in my blanket. but by february, im sure there will be enough crumbs in it to feed a whole ant farm, or myself if im too lazy to walk the 10 steps to the kitchen. when you get fat, you get lazy.

march - theres still some snow left on the ground but the temperature is starting to rise. cant hide my big belly under a baby tee. time to freak out, master cleanse, and work out. why? because summers on the way and nobody likes a muffin top belly hanging over a pair of daisy dukes. ok, i dont or would never wear daisy dukes but if i decided to, id want to be ready.

so the winter blues eventually come to an end but only because of the fear of being the summertime fatty: a girls worst nightmare.


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