Monday, September 11, 2006

being alone... blessing in disguise... wha?

that was from a big chunk of my session with jill r. after a long string of things we got to talking about feeling abandoned. when do i feel that the most. blah blah blah. i didnt give the obvious answer of family bc with 3 sibs, its hard to find even two minutes for myself but i dug down and realized its in social situations that ive felt abandoned the most. yes past tense. i feel ive grown a bit and am more open to talk to new people than i was before hence, less awkward silence or just left out of the conversation moments. then, i had to tell her about my new single single status and then she goes oh, totally understand the feelings of abandonment there.

got to talking about my friendships with each of girlie from my jew crew. after listening to me babble, we both realized that i need my friends to help me feel the kickass me that i am. although thats great, i gotta stop needing it and just feel kickass on my own. its hard. she also thinks im very dependent on the jamers. nooooooooo! but probably yeeeeeeaaaahhhhhhh. its like my friends have become the substitute support system my parents were supposed to provide me. whoa. thats so deep. so after telling jill r that i "lost" jamie to this quality guy mike, she said it was a blessing in disguise for me. wha? huh? how? why? how? why? huh?

i told her the moment im dreading the most is that one night when everyones busy with their boyfriends and im left alone. alone alone alone. tip for when this moment comes: i dont want that sympathy odd wheel of cheese invite. id rather sit in a cage with birds (and you know my ginormous fear of birds) than be that f-in cheese wheel. jill r thinks those moments are gonna be good for me. itll give me time to find the real me. if i can stand on my own without the support of my friends.

then i thought about why i was alone. not that i have much control over it (theres no line of men waiting at my doorstep) its still fun to try and keep yourself accompanied by others. speaking of, i never wrote an update on the cgb (cute glasses boy). well, he was very cute, wore his glasses, looked really cute in them, we had a really cute drink date, with a really cute goodbye, and then i never heard another cute word from him ever again. i dont know what it is. did my exquisite writing out shine the in-person rapist witty me? cant dwell on it too long. im labeling this one dunzo.

when it all comes down to it, i just really want a g.w.i.i.m. (guy who is into me)... f.m.t.o.n. (for more than one night).

special mention:
dylan mckay: [to brenda] i loved you more than i ever thought i could love anybody. maybe that was the problem.


Blogger NYC Publicist said...

mama say, mama saa, mamakoosaa!

miss you terribly, can't wait to see you soon! so glad that you use your blog to explore your feelings and share with the world. your words are amazing and inspiring, and thats why i love ya!

see you soon my sweets! we need some ad and cass time bad!

7:32 PM  

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