Tuesday, December 19, 2006

why didnt i stay?/why i didnt stay.

all the women. who independent. throw your hands up at meeee. independent woman. this weekend was about being just that... or at least trying to be. i was basically trying not to grab every single opportunity to see the btj. let a few just fly by. not that theres been anything wrong between us lately but too much of a good thing can be bad and well, i didnt want to start getting any emotional cavities from an overabundance of time spent with my sugarbear (its a cuter name than my friend). so this extended "weekend" im 2 for 2, saw him twice, "declined" twice.

its a no go
  • thursday - work last week was maddening and fattening. ok fine, just fattening. literally. had an extravagent meal with vendors and whatnot every night. after 3 straight days and nights spent with co-workers, one of the higher ups on our team decided to cancel our thursday night dinner. not that im complaining. free meals at places i could never afford - no complaints from me but after 3 straight nights of steak dinners, i felt like i had a whole cow in my body. i probably looked like it too. so i didnt mind that we were taking a break from being taken out. since dinner plans got canceled, i decided to see what the btj was upto. much to my surprise, he had one of his boys over to be vidiots with for a while. said i was more than welcome to come by. i decided not to go. sure i wanted to see him but enough to sit through xbox 360 time... not really. this was a no go fo sho.
im a ho, fo sho
  • friday - like clockwork, who calls me after work but el capitano btj himself. "thought you were gonna come through last night." i answered back, "vidiot time or shopping and dinner with the sister. i chose the latter." i chose other slices of my life to indulge in and im glad i did. i love bed bath and beyond, and oh yes, i definitely had time to go there. anyway, i had some time to kill before the hanukah grab bag at jamies and what better way to get to the party then with a worked up appetite. yes, i arrived there very very hungry. had a pretty stellar session with the btj. one of our best. of course afterwards, we headed to the couch and just watched a little tele. as we started a lil cuddling, he goes, "youre not starting to get feelings are you?" how tactful is he? mood killer much? luckily it was time to head over to m-hill as my belly was screaming for latkes.

its a no go

  • saturday - spent the day being a lazy bitch. i literally did not step outside until i left for my list of parties that night. saturday night was a fun night. it was a me and jiller night. a cheap single bitches night. we took the subway the whole night. i love saving money. especially on useless things like cabs when theres the m.t. and a. all over the city. what else did i like about the night. the way our presence brought happiness to others. i know adam was happy to see me and jiller even though we couldnt make it to his bday dinner. we still had celebratory drinks together at spice market. i had a fun fruity bubbly drink. then we headed to the village for cheryls bday. i know she really appreciated that jiller and i showed up. so what does this have to do with the btj? cheryls party was two doors away from his apt. i couldve easily called him and had a late night rendevous possibly followed by a lazy sunday but i didnt. the only person i dialed when i left the bar was le join, to let her know i was on my way home via subway so if she didnt see me within an hour, she should call the cops. besides, constant contact could make him think im starting to get feelings. we wouldnt want any of that. feelings=bad.
im a ho, fo sho
  • monday - yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, who do i receive an im from monday morn? btj. had a quick convo but it ended abruptly. i worked a kinda late night last night. til 7pm. had a nice surprise though as i was leaving the building. a voicemail and text message from the btj. had a long day of work, didnt really mind making my night a long one too. i went home to feed the dog and change and whathaveyou and then headed over to the village. we had a great time on his now lowered bed. hehe. we broke the bed frame last week ;) i even packed for a just in case i crash there type of night. when it got closer to midnight, i decided to leave and sleep in my own bed. i called le join when as i walking to the subway and she answered her phone, "so it was that bad?" and thats the thing. it wasnt. not at all. it was actually pretty good. really good. so why did i leave? did i really need to sleep in my own bed? did i leave to prevent myself from getting attached later? did i just want to play little mind tricks with the btj just like he does to me? make him wonder if i like him? or did i just give him what he wanted and let him have his whole bed to himself hence letting him have his cake and eat it too? did i leave letting him wish i stayed? i. hate. being. normal.

i always tell le join that my own crazy being is self defense in itself. i caught myself humming my drop it like its hot ringtone while waiting for the train last week. "doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wooooooooooooop. click click click clock clock. click click click clock clock." if i was standing next to me, i wouldve walked away, slowly. so im sure while i was waiting for my train last night and those "why did i leave?" questions were running through my head, i mustve been making crazy weird faces. sometimes i can express myself more with my facial expressions than i can with actual words. too bad my crazy faces dont give me answers to the questions that keep running through my mind. can anyone answer me?


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