scapegoat

i love living in the city. get to do what i want, when i want. its awesome! there are certain times though, that make me rethink about my decision to live in a fancy schmancy condo with a crabby abby sister. i couldve rented an apt with a friend but the faj miraculously convinced me to buy instead of rent. sure, im paying a buttload more now then i would if i wouldve rented a place, but instead of "throwing my money away" im now investing. those big checks i write each month will come back to me in a few years. its cool. the money part didnt bother me too much, its the living with the sister part that made me think long and hard before i took the plunge.

sure, weve lived together before in la crazy casa but we thought the problems weve had were all bc of the crazy maj and faj. ok fine. i knew living with le join would be difficult. we're not exactly the same. although shes the younger one, shes always put me in a dumber younger irresponsible spotlight where as i would try to shine the biggest most supportive spotlight on her. ah, nice guys finish last and im definitely at the tail end.

is it wrong that i try to have my cake and eat it too? the main and biggest reason why i was so looking forward to living in nyc was that id be able to go out more. see my friends, my friends (ok fine, i only one of those but maybe the new year can make that a plural... or a single boyfriend), or even explore the city all on my own. anyway, i do know i have to take care of my shit first (responsibility) before i can go out and be that hot child in the city.

thats what i have been doing. taking care of my and other peoples crap too. i was a little offended when le joins friend stayed over this past weekend and basically told her gracious host that our apt was a slobby mess. bitch please! i wanna see your place. if its spotless its bc youre a loser with no friends. and i know my place is not a slobby mess. i know bc im the one cleaning the place. bitch. bitch. what a stupid bitch.

my anger is not towards that ugly bitch with the even uglier nose. no. im not like others where i misplace my anger. when im angry at someone, i let out my wrath on her and not some other innocent victim. thats the problem with my crazy fam. too much misplaced responsibility and misplaced anger. im breaking that cycle. if you break my fave mug, im gonna give you a can of my whoopass, not the guy standing next to you. argh!

this isnt about kicking anyones ass. its about being resented. i feel like people have resented me my whole life. ive heard people (ok fine, just my sisters) say that about me on numerous occasions. after many sessions with jill r and my own thinking, i can see why. dee resented me as a child bc i was a skinny peppy (yes, my voice was actually higher than ben steins at one point in my life) child who could tumble across the room better than any circus acrobat and she was a loud mouthed heavy girl. yeah, who could compete with me, really? her resentment also came from misplaced responsibility. see, my parents pretty much handed her the responsibility of taking care of me when they in fact, shouldve been doing that themselves. who wouldnt resent an adorable child like me when she herself was a child forced to take care of another. sad. i feel sad for her. my relationship with dee now is actually pretty great. sure, we get on each others nerves here and there but hey, we dont live together so when it gets sour, we drop it like its hot and proceed with the fun.

now le join is a different case. its a much difficult one although i must admit, my relationship with dee was tre tre tre difficult at times too. dealing with le join is difficult bc we live together (that and the fact that her mind is on a warped planet. seriously. dee was difficult bc she always had to say her shit first but once she shut her trap and actually listened to the other person, she would make amends. not this one though. yikes). i have to come home to her shit whether i like it or not. but ive changed. grown up. learned a lot. instead of dreading seeing her and wishing i could avoid her as much as possible, i actually cant wait to go home and get this settled. i know im right. i never wouldve been able to say that even like 2 years ago. i know know know there was no wrongdoing on my part. and that feels so awesome to say. le join resents me bc she feels bad about herself. she has no job, no friends, no boyfriend. all shes got is the apt, gio, and me. ME. why would she shit on the one thing shes got. i come with the apt, and gio... gio is a dog. and lets face it, ive been taking care of the dog more than she has. even now! when im working and shes NOT!

im putting my foot down. i will not let her try to make me feel guilty about doing the one thing ive been working so hard for - simply hanging out with my friends whenever i want. i take care of my shit, let me roam free. the thing that bothers me the most is the non communication. im like a typical man. if you tell me to do something, ill do it. but if you dont tell me anything and expect me to just do something, youll end up empty handed. i do not have an african headress on. i am not miss cleo. im not psychic. i cant read your thoughts.

you probably think im nuts. im in the good seat. im in the seat with the cool job, amazing friends, and even a fun friend. but when your own sister tries to make you feel like you dont deserve it, well, its just uncalled for. sorry if im a busy person but then again, dont act surprised upon that fact. even co-workers know im busy busy and even joke they have to book anything with me like a month in advance. being resented just bc im awesome is ridiculous. i am the eternal scapegoat. see, i knew deep down i was really jewish.

special mention:
whats a nooner?
it aint breakfast and it aint lunch.