sittin' shotgun

hope everyone had a happy holiday. i spent half my weekend eating and the other half sleeping in food coma. ok fine, it was more 40% eating, 40% sleeping, 2% shopping, 7% 9-0 eps (dont get me started on the dr. martins death hysterical crying hour!), 10% walking el gio, 1% btj. yes, only 1%. can you believe it? i cant. i actually got some clarity last night. good clarity. very good clarity. i feel much lighter (although im sure the scales would show otherwise). i feel like im on a ride and its gonna take me someplace spectacular. i spent my long holiday weekend with a person that i think is absolutely spectacular - me! alone time can be good time.

so heres a short synopsis of my weekend before i get into what this is all about - my clarity. thursday was turkey day and spent on li with the 'rents, the sibs, and grandma. i took my position as taste tester/kitchen bitch. didnt leave the li house til 12:30am bc dee and her bf wanted to wait til all the t-day traffic had passed. so i didnt get back to my nyc digs til almost 2am. nooches.

friday was a lil shopping with the jiller in her ues 'hood. i mta'd it all the way all day. im poor. cant afford cabs. then we met up with gayliestar for cheap drinks at subway bar. seriously, cant get $4 drinks any place else so this hole in the wall bar is my new (and probably only) fave bar.

saturday was me me me. well, me, gio, joe e tata, tony the tiger, and a slew of 9-0s. there was a bawling-fest with the dr. martins death ep. seriously, cried my eyes out. i dont know if it was my joe e tata induced mind or the fact that the faj hasnt been feeling too well these past few days but damn, the waterworks were outta control. its good though. people need a good cry sometimes. i got mine.

sunday was a fun day. walked to south street seaport with le join and el gio. found a lot of choice eateries (pudgies chicken, popeyes chicken, a DINER!!!) along the way and took in the beautiful sites my 'hood has to offer. before we headed to the "eastside" i got a call from the btj. like a true bitch, i didnt drop everything and run right over to him. i just fit him into my schedule. besides, the last minute btj plans gave me something to look forward to. i never wouldve thought id get my happy clarity when i was leaving the btjs apt.

so we did the usual. nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever. i arrived at his apt. let him finish his madden '07 game on xbox and then we got down to (kinky) business. ended with both parties satisfied... as usual. then some more (football) channel surfing followed by another "surprise" (quotation marks = sarcasm) session. didnt want to seem like i was just f-ing and going so i stayed for about another hour before i bid adieu. as i was walking down the stairs (damn 4 story walk up) the clarity hit me and it was awesome.

ever see the snow white episode of saved by the bell? bayside high decided to do a modern version of the fairy tale with the cast rapping instead of reciting. anyhoo, zack was cast as prince charming and as a plot twist lil miss sunshine kelly kapowski was cast as the evil queen and cynical jessie spano as snow white. of course gossipy lisa turtle was the mirror on the wall. anyhoo, the dilemma was that jessie and zack had to kiss. gasp! anyway, the whole time jessie and zack are scared they really like each other. towards the end of the ep they kiss and are relieved that they have no feelings for each other. thats the kinda clarity i had. a sort of relief i guess.

im not saying i dont have any feelings for the btj. of course i do but last night i left his apt relieved. i was happy to leave. i wasnt wanting to stay there longer. i realized i dont like him as much as i thought i did. i know i wont be longing to spend time with him. and when we part ways, of course its gonna hurt but i know it wont kill me. i wont want to wish evil things to happen to the whore who "snatches" him away. i wont hate his "rachel."

this clarity didnt just come from nowhere. it came from love. the love for ME. yeah, i have fun when i hang out with the btj but i know i can have more fun with cooler people. i guess thats what my friends meant when they said, i can do better. i can. the relief also comes from something else too. ive decided im gonna stop. stop the active searching. totally devote to my faith in fate. the best things happened when least expected so im just not gonna expect anything anymore.

the jiller met tom on a bus. i doubt she was thinking, im gonna meet my future boyfriend when she hopped on the 2nd ave bus but thats exactly what happened. and with jamie, mike was always in the background when we look back on the times we've gone out this past year, and now hes one of the main players on the center stage of her life. thats fate my friends. im letting fate take my wheel and steer for a while.

so im just gonna keep on livin. l-i-v-i-n. if i get a fun surprise, ill accept it with open arms... the legs may part if he works for it (why am i such a ho?!).

special mention:
le join: i got an evite.
thats so cool.
and it wasnt even from jamie.
btw, nice to send her an evite to the hanukah grab bag party. NERVE!

the saved by the bell snow white rap