Thursday, March 20, 2008


right before i started writing this, i had a bunch of woulda coulda shouldas flash through my head. it was practically a series of scenes running through my mind ala sliding doors. what if i just waited a few more months. what if i put my foot down and said, i dont care im renting and thats it. what if i did it on my own so that my family could in no way follow me. but really, whats the point of all the what ifs. i cant go back in time and change my decisions. crap, even if i could go back in time all i could do is just watch myself make the same "mistakes" again (well thats how time traveling was described in that book the time travelers wife - i read it a few months ago and although slow in the beginning, the book gets really really good).

ive noticed that when my funds get low, i tend to step back and look at my life and how im living right now. true, i cant complain too much. i truly love my job, i still amazingly have great friends, and i have a relationship with my bf that i never wouldve imagined could be so fun and awesome. but the downside of my life is where im living. i have keys to two apts yet i feel like neither is really my home. the comfort levels in each place vary in different degrees and areas. its like i live a split life but i dont identify with either or. i find myself daydreaming like i used to do when i was still living with my parents. dreaming of the day when i have a place of my own.

the apt i share with my sister still feels like a really expensive hotel room to me. to be courteous, i plan and coordinate when ill be there with my sister. she actually wants me to stay at the apt more often and i can but i know she'd rather have me stay more alone as opposed to with my bf. but i love spending time with my bf. we're like siamese twins, its nauseating yet comfortable at the same time. even when i do stay at the apt with the bf (le join has been really cool and actually goes back to li on her days off so we can have the apt to ourselves) i find myself being a cleaning lady. always tidying up so that the place isnt trashed when le join gets back. i like staying at the apt bc i get to cook and be domestic. plus, its where most of my clothes are (although i really do wear the same 3 outfits over and over again) and i get to watch all my fave shows on my dvr, which i pay for all on my own. its nice to actually use the stuff that most of my money pays for. to reap the benefits that leave me po fo sho every month.

strangely i caught myself calling my bfs apt my apt. it was weird but that is where i spend most of my time and where i feel most comfortable. its funny bc growing up, my parents always said that i shouldnt sleepover other peoples places a lot. they frowned upon sleepovers bc they thought staying over at a friends place is just a bad habit to create and have. yet as i grew older, i found myself getting really attached to certains friends houses and practically made them my home. jamies apt on 30th st aka the peach pit really did become my home away from home. maybe its bc i really didnt like my home at the time. and now, im doing the same thing with my bfs apt. ive really made myself at home there. true, the sitch is a bit different now, im sleeping with the person who actually lives in the apt, but the comfort is about the same.

i do feel more comfortable at my bfs apt bc i can walk around naked and keep the place as messy as i and he wants it to be. i can go to bed at whatever hour i want and come and go as i please (hooray for the key!). ive even reached the fart in front of him comfort level. yeah. you know thats huge. so yeah, i can even fart and burp without holding back. and yes, he still loves me. we compete with each other in laziness, currently i am the reigning champ! the downfall, tv. we both love watching tv but our tastes in tv shows differ like night and day.

at first, it wasnt a big deal bc im an easy going gal and honestly, his shows didnt bug me that much. if anything, i watched them with an open mind. i figured this is an opportunity to watch something i normally wouldnt watch. although most of the shows i probably wouldnt watch on my own (nature shows, wrassling, bill maher) there are a few diamonds in the rough that im glad i found (yeah naruto!)and which ultimately makes me a cool ass chica for not just knowing about but actually liking too (go ninja warrior! american gladiators is for wussies.). when it comes to my shows, my bf is not as open minded. id say hes a stubborn bastard about it but he has opened his mind a bit. ok, more like left it open ajar, enough to fit a credit card. but trust me, its way better than it was before, shut tight and bolt locked.

the process began at my apt bc hey, its my apt! its my dvr! im watching what i wanna watch. so i would watch and he would be sitting at his computer with headphones on watching, what else, naruto. the thing is, my laughter is damn contagious. so when i would laugh, he couldnt help but turn around to see what i was watching. then i would sneakily start recording some of my shows on his dvr (hehe, sneaky korean!). so far, ive gotten him to sit through and watch americas best dance crew, how i met your mother and lost.

idol is touchy. ive eased him into it but we never watch it on real time. if anything, we watch it after the results show has aired. the thing is, i knew i would be able to get him to watch idol bc i watch it the exact same way he would. i basically fast foward through the usual idol bs, get to the contestant, listen to a few notes, if its bad, i fast forward, if its ok i listen through to the chorus, if its rockin i wait til the bust out they usually do towards the end of the song. depending on the contestant, ill listen to the judges but i always always fast forward as soon as ryan seacrest comes on. i still dont know what purpose he serves on that show other than to annoy the crap outta me and simon. god bless simon. in my own custom made idol show it would be just the contestants and simon and simon can cut the contestant off at any point he chooses. but whatever. thats what dvr is for :)

ironically, the only place i feel is truly my own is my cube at work. yeah sure, im using the companys computer, desk, shelves, supplies, but this area is still mine. no one else can sit here but me. i even have a fun name tag to prove it. the decorations in my cube are all me too. pics of my friends, bf, doggies, and fave celeb hotties. i know where everything is and i can keep is as messy or organized as i want. plus, i do spend the majority of my time here. so i guess in a way, my cube is my home. but in another way, it totally isnt. home is where you go to get away from work. and although i grunt when i wake up in the morning to get to work and cant wait to leave at the end of the day, i do feel "at home" whenever i sit in my cube. bc its mine. and no one elses.

maybe im feeling homeless so i can hide from my real fear, growing up. with the way things are going, my bf could very well become my next roomie. and well, you dont live with your bf if youre not gonna end up married. especially at my age. maybe im in this sitch now bc im not ready for all those huge steps yet. maybe its just fate taking its course. thats how fate works. it doesnt give you what you want as soon as you want it but when youre ultimately ready for it. so ill just keep on living my dual residence/homeless life. work hard, love hard, live well. ill let fate put things into place. in the meantime, ill have my mini bd's oh about once a month.

special mention - very strange engagement gift edition:
SNOWMAN! the original blogger.


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