Monday, March 31, 2008

left out... in the hot sun

i mentioned that my man and i went to a bday party for his 1 year old cousin charlotte back in february. well at the party was his 5 year old cousin frida who was sitting in the corner on her daddys lap bc she was illin. ive only met frida once before and well, she was the most pleasant little girl. from what ive heard, shes just a bossy lil thing who always gets her way even though her parents are the chillest people ever. ah, so as we saw frida curled up all sick and quiet, my man and i looked at each other and we knew we were both thinking the same thing: homegirl is frontin. she knew the attention would be on charlotte, not her, so she did what she thought would reel in some attention her way, she played the sick card.

who knows. maybe she really did have a fever. its just an assumption that my bf and i came up with. but this past weekend, the weekend of jordys wedding, i had a feeling our assumption may have been right. why? bc i started to feel the same way as frida. no, i didnt pretend i was sick, but i did feel left out... a lot. and when i started to feel that way, i started to get pissy and so i did what i always do, i left. ah, did i mention frida has the same bday as me? maybe its an oct scorpio thing. anyway, although i had a great time, the happy feeling that i had didnt last too long. ah, maybe its a "kitty has a nosebleed" thing.

maybe i was feeling blue bc i had high expectations for this weekend and they werent met. i knew i would be missing out on some stuff bc i wasnt staying at the hotel with the rest of the guests, but i figured whenever i would pop in, it would be easy breezy fun times. i couldnt wait to meet up with the girls. i guess my excitement was bigger than theirs to see me. its probably my fault. i never keep in touch with people. why is it so much easier for the bf, who doesnt really know anyone at the wedding, to talk to people than me, who has known a bunch of these girls for over a decade? i almost felt like there was some shit talkin about me when i wasnt there. or maybe there wasnt. bc im not important enough to talk about. anyway, feeling left out sucks.

what also made me feel like an outsider was my not having a camera. ive been wanting a digital camera for years and just like the ipod, with all my pleading and begging, i will eventually have to get one myself. ah. so while everyone was taking silly pics of themselves, i sat and watched. but then there were times where i felt that even if i did have a camera, everyone would just get annoyed when i would want a pic so my camera would be filled with just pics of me and my man. now dont get me wrong, i would love that. i still think we need more pics of ourselves, but i really did want to join in on the girly fun.

the girls at this wedding are not my primary group of girls but they are the girls ive known the longest (since middle school). i like seeing them bc every moment is a dramatic/comedic scene and well, we're bitches. everyone is gross and we'll tell you why. jamie and mikes wedding will have a different group of girls. itll be my homegirls. the primary group. we're fun too but in a cheesier way. yeah, we make fun of people too but its not as brash or nasty. hmmm, maybe im just mean bitch. whichever group i hang with, we're making fun of someone else.

or will i be a bitch who ends up alone? i noticed during dinner a few weeks ago with jamie and her bridesmaids that i didnt speak much and i left a lil pissed and angry bc i was thinking about my financial sitch. i spoke to jamie today and well, she made me feel better. i had feelings this morning that i would feel left out again at jamies wedding but our call this afternoon literally made those feelings go away.

its funny bc when i was upset this weekend, my bf asked me why and i told him it was bc i was feeling left out. then he said, well maybe you should call the girls more often. ah, if only the jiller wouldve heard that. she wouldve been like, see i told you so. i wonder why its so hard for me to pick up the phone. i always feel like i need a reason to and if i dont have a reason, i feel silly for calling. but again with jamie, i called her this weekend just to say hello and the happy tone in her voice made me feel better. so maybe i should pick up the phone more often.

i do remember a time when i felt so vip and i hope that feeling comes back to me soon. im hoping my awkwardness goes away for amys bat mitzvah this weekend. mazel tov! oh yeah, and ive been contemplating about converting. for real. i even googled it this morning. i know i need to do more reading before i make my final decision. im just scared though. ive already gotten some bad reactions from people (including close friends) about this which just discouraged me. but i guess my heart is really for it bc even with those discouraging words, im still curious about it.

im so glad i have my bf while i feel like an outsider. he makes me feel wanted which is just what i need and want. as they say in jewish weddings: he is my beloved and my beloved is mine.


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