torn

i had a feeling it would come. how could it not. its my family. they never did like outsiders. even if i love this outsider, they would never take him in with open arms... at least not right away. i cried last night. i didnt cry my eyes out but i did shed enough tears to wake up with puffy eyes. this really made me wish i was still going to jill r but i went to the next best (and probably even better) person, i went to jiller.

i basically got ganged up on by my sisters even though they "tried their hardest not to gang up on me." they sat side by side as they rattled off a list of what they dislike about my bf. theyre happy that im happy but thats about it. sure, my bf has crossed the line a few times but they were never ever done intentionally. a lot of the things they listed off was financial stuff. he should pay for this, shouldve paid for that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i didnt want a bf so i can get free meals. what he gives me has no monetary value. the beatles were right, money cant buy me love.

i guess the faj was trying to prepare me for the sisterly gang up when we spoke about the lb the day before. actually, my whole family has told me before that it seems like i like him more than he likes me but they also think that im "better" than he is (they think im physically more attractive and that im such a giver and hes a taker) so in their eyes, hes a guy who doesnt deserve me. the faj said that when you really like someone, you dont just treat that person well but their friends and family too. and of course the examples he gave me dealt with money.

he told me a story of a woman who was going to marry my uncle (the fajs older brother). my uncle dated this lady and then left for the states, telling her he'll come back for her. while he was away, the lady came by the house every morning to check on my grandparents and would take my father out to eat as he was a poor young man who just got back from the military. the faj thought this lady was awesome, that she was gonna be a great sister in law. of course, my uncle (being the good looking man that he was) didnt keep his promise and ended up marrying a psycho hose beast he met in the states (i can call her that now bc they divorced a few years ago and that bitch basically brainwashed her kids, my cousins, into shunning us chuns). the faj was so heartbroken for the nice lady.

the point of the story was was that she loved my uncle so much that she went that extra mile to be nice and giving to his family. maybe its a cultural thing. the bending over backwards to everyone in that persons life. the thing is, even though i want my family to like my bf, i dont want him jumping through hoops either. i dont want him to change around my family. i love him for who he is. i know there are a few things that we can do to makes things a little better but i also know that this animosity isnt going to completely go away. the females in my fam are never satisfied, hence the constant bitterness. it broke my heart when i asked the maj if she liked my bf and she just replied, "well you cant expect me to like him right away, i barely know him." i really felt my heart shatter. why cant the fact that he loves me and makes me happy be enough for her to like him.

as i was a ball of angry tears, i called up jiller. she knows a thing or two about having a bf that the parents arent the biggest fans of plus shes been in the same financial sitch with the bf too. i was also upset bc le join said my friends probably feel the same way about my bf too. all they ever say is, well he makes her happy. she thinks they dont actually like him. i had to get a real answer, and thats why i called the jiller. in just a matter of seconds, she made me feel better. she said she liked my bf and that hes a great guy. she loves what hes done to me. hes done a number on my confidence. my friends just arent used to me always being with someone else. understandable.

as the tears dried up and the anger subsided, i got to think about this situation with a clearer head. this is basically just another viscious cycle of my family not understanding that my friends and bf are just as important to me as family is. i dont think my family gets that bc none of my siblings really has any close friends (some dont even have friends). i also think its ironic that dee trash talks her bf all the f-in time yet my parents love him like one of their own (prob bc hes taken one of their own off their hands, for a bit anyway). its also funny how things that annoy dee about my bf are the same qualities that she has in herself. ahhh, as jill r would, thats called projection.

even though this sucks sucks sucks, last night was a breakthrough. it really made me realize how much i do love the lb and how comfortable i am when im with him. we completely follow our total honesty rule and i really just spilled all my fears to him. i told him i was scared that my family was gonna break us up. i also told him i was scared he would start to resent me bc i have it so easy with his fam and hes got it hard with mine. its just not fair. i cried to him. he saw me cry. it was actually the first time hes seen me cry, except for maybe a few tears from watching a sappy movie or commercial (hey, im sensitive!). but the fact that i was able to tell him all the things i was feeling instead of keeping it bottled up inside like i usually do, i was scared and relieved at the same time. i love this man. i do i do i do. and like he said, we cant choose our family and they will always be there. yes. but i chose to love the lb and im not changing my mind. i know he loves me too.

so for now, i think i should keep interactions between my high maintenance fam and my bf to a minimum. usually this would mean, just less time with the fam but considering that dee is going into surgery tomorrow, this means splitting my time between the man i love and the fam that shows me love through harsh tear inducing criticisms. fan-f'in-tabulous.