Monday, April 09, 2007

relationship forecast: perpetual doormat

ive been down and out lately. my financial status isnt ideal although the reasons for why that is is worth the few years of woes. but like the saying goes, misery loves company so instead of investing all of my dark thoughts on my money, i let it creep to my "love" life as well. yeah it hurts but i needed this reality kick in the butt and only i could really give myself that wacking. i knew the reality check was coming but i guess what really triggered my foot to get kicking was news i heard from adam. he realized he deserved more than what he had and broke up with his bf. at least he had a legitimate bf to break up with. im still in no title land.

to really clear my head, i wrote a fake letter to the btj. i wasnt sure what the point was gonna be when i wrote it, but when it was complete, i felt great. well, i felt great that i wrote an awesome letter but im still feeling crappy about this relationship. then i spoke with dee and well, i started to feel crappy about all relationships. any relationship to come in the future. why? bc i realized i will forever be a doormat. read the aim convo i had with dee below:

dee: he was like 'would u let her(this really rich girl, lets call her sally) sleep with me for 2mil'
dee: i was like 'shes over paying but yeah!'
dee: guys are fucking dogs like that
dee: im sure as much as bri loves me if i said you can go cheat he would in a heart beat
dee: like he said yester 'i say no to the "sally" sitch cause i dont want to be tortured by you for the rest of my life'
dee: not...'cause i dont want to' or 'i dont want to be with another chick' etc b/c he doesnt want to be tortured by me!

so is that the secret? in order to keep a man, you have to nag him? scare him into not straying? basically be a controlling bitch. hmmm, maybe the book was right. or maybe they should change the title from why men love bitches to how bitches keep their men. honestly, this made me more depressed than i was before.

this convo basically shattered my dreams of finding a man who will want me. i have to come to terms with the fact that monogamy is a myth when it comes to men. but im not gonna lie. when i meet a guy, or in most of my cases, when i will potentially meet a guy, my goal isnt to find out if i like him but to make him want me. i get this crazy need to be wanted. is this stemming from daddy issues? who knows. i dont think i was the neglected one in the fam. why the desperate urge to be liked?

i guess im taking this "news" kinda hard bc i worked so hard to build up my self confidence. two years of therapy plus a lot of faith in myself along with the greatest friends a girl could ask for helped me realize what a package i am. so of course im gonna be upset when i find out that even a kickin package like myself is not enough to hold a man down. ugh, with people as difficult as these fuckers, why do i want one so badly?

so when i see a man not stray from his gf, i have to realize its bc the gf is a b.i.t.c.h. makes sense. ive seen dee with lots of bf's and i think she ended it with them most of the time. and lets not kid ourselves, dee isnt little miss nicey nice. homegirl is a bitch. in a good sense... if youre not her bf. ive witnessed one of her bfs (sure he was the biggest pussy bitch out of all them) hysterically cry bc she mentioned breaking up with him. thats the most extreme case but i have seen others put their tails between their legs and do whatever she says.

i dont want to scare/threaten a man into doing what i want him to do. i want him to do it bc he wants to. is this just another fantasy of mine? will this never come true? sure i can be a bitch, but only to people i truly despise. i dont know how to be bitchy to someone i like. will this cause me to be a doormat in every relationship i will ever be in? do nice guys really finish last?

what i do know is i have to do something about my sitch with the btj. even though its gonna hurt, i think i know what the outcome is gonna be. goodbye fun workouts, hello gym.

special mention:
jamie: write this on a post it - 'im a fun rich bitch'


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