Wednesday, July 16, 2008

belly button

so ive gained weight. it was inevitable considering i havent hit the gym in years and eat whatever i want whenever i want. the thing is, my bod (just like my mind) is a bit slow. it takes a while for me lose and gain weight. sure it gets a bit frustrating when im trying to lose weight and i dont see results in an instant but it backfires when i gain weight. bc ill eat and be lazy and then eat some more, and check myself out and see my bod is still a-ok. then one day, all those late night binges just hit me. and they hit hard. and it is damn ugly.

the fat hit me a few weeks ago. yeah so my fam has been saying ive been gaining weight for months now but thats just regular banter for them. bc you know, the only things my fam ever talks about is how fat im getting. either that or something else they can find horribly wrong with me. (i wonder why i ever went to therapy.) anyway, sure their words sting but my own realization was much much worse. talk about a sucker punch in the gut. i just wish that sucker punch wouldve flattened my belly a bit. (i know. im nuts!)

at first it was where my pants hang on my bod. when i was thinner, i used to wear my pants lower around my hips and way below my belly button. i realized that if i wore my pants lower, it gives a better illusion of a flatter belly. i noticed that this trick wasnt working anymore. the lower i pulled my pants, the bigger my muffin top got. uh oh #1.

uh oh #2 hit me during one of my summer fridays. i decided to throw on a fun yellow tank and a black skirt to run to duane reade and pick up a few essentials. now, i also blame this on not having a full length mirror in the w.vill apt. ok fine, we havent had a full length mirror since the 'burg but it is getting ridiculous. i hate not having a full length mirror. ive left for work many mornings regretting what ive put on not having enough time to turn around and change my clothes.

so back to #2 i walked through the village minding my own business when i saw a glimpse of myself in some store window and i almost cried. omg. ive become that fat girl. the girl who should not be wearing what shes wearing. how did i know how grossly fat i got: my belly button. sure. i know its deep. i call it the grand canyon. but jeepers creepers. i felt like one of those obese girls who waddle into my parents store asking if we carry their size (always followed by my mom giving them a nasty look and an even nastier "NO!"). i quickly pulled my skirt up way over my belly button and tried to shop without crying. i let myself go and i only have myself to blame.

so ive sulked for a few days. then i started thinking of a new diet which is kinda hard to put together when all i have to cook with is a toaster oven and microwave (thank goodness for zip n steam bags). im thinking of a fun workout regimen for myself (and my man) too. of course, i kinda panicked again as i walked to bathroom and saw the pics i put of my man and me on the fridge. omg. my belly button has been obnoxiously deep for a while. you can see it through the dress i wore to jordys wedding back in march!

project skinny cass is in full effect! the weddings are a big motivation. my dress size for jamies wedding is already obnoxiously large, i dont wanna try it on and have to get the next size up! (kill me now!) and as my parents keep reminding me, they dont want to show 3 fat daughters at my sisters wedding. obv dee has lost tons of weight already and le join is on her way too. im gonna be on that bandwagon soon too. my man wants to lose some pounds so we can prance around anguilla with no worries. we're gonna be hot sexy bitches.

i really noticed how this weight gain has affected me and my personality. my man noticed how down ive been feeling and my sinking libido. how can i feel sexy when i think i look like a whale. i know im not a whale but i know im not that hot sexy biatch i once was. while i was wallowing in my fat, i found the best analogy to describe how i felt. i felt like a car. when i was thinner, i was like a shiny new car gettings lots of ooohs and ahs and stares. now, im not as shiny or new so i dont get stared at as much but im still a functioning vehicle that can take you from point a to b. im still awesome, just not oooooh ah awesome.

what better time to get oooooh ah awesome again then for one of my closests friends weddings, and oh yeah, my sisters wedding too. im getting my makeup did which ive never done before. might as well have my bod look as good as my face. sure people usually lose weight for the summer but this summer has been a sort of bust this year. its sunny and gorgeous during the week while im working in my frigid ac'd cube and the weekends have scattered showers on my days off and brutally hot sun while im working at the store. hopefully, august will be kinder to me. i get my full weekends back! first 2 in august will be spent poolside in jersey :) ima gonna get ooooooh ah awesome!

special mention:
jamie: who can be in a good mood when you have to take a crap.

during the daily parking chant


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