solitude spiral

to be alone. for some reason, that deep dark hole feels so inviting to me. to abandon everyone and just be by myself. i hate feeling this way but at the same time, it feels a lot easier to be this way. like being around people and friends, takes effort that i dont have the energy for anymore. my minds been in overdrive and its telling me to just fall. fall into the dark hole. stay in the dark hole alone bc thats where i belong. one part of me tells me to get help but the other part argues back. other people have better things to do than to hear me mope and complain. i dont even know what i would complain about. i just feel down. i feel black (not just blue). i dont have the energy to be happy anymore. im scared about the weddings coming up bc theyre supposed to be joyous occasions and i feel as if ill just be a downer. i feel like i cant ever be happy again. truly happy. the weird thing is, there wasnt an event that triggered this feeling. it just washed over me like a huge wave. and now im under it and i dont think i can get out. the dark. it sounds so good.