Monday, May 12, 2008

subway schmucks

ah the subway. contrary to the title of this post, i actually love the subway. especially after enduring a painfully long traffic ridden drive back into the city last night from syo, li, i absolutely love the fact that i dont need a car to get around the city. you cant really get road rage if youre not driving a car but sometimes i can get commuters rage from the idiots that ride the subway. maybe its just me. maybe im just a picky lil subway rider. ok, maybe im a snobby lil subway rider. anyway, here are the groups of people i can NOT tolerate while ridin the ol mta.

getting to/on the train:
  • cut n slows - im a true blue new yorker and new yorkers are generally in a rush to get to somewhere. plus, true blue new yorkers know where theyre going and how to get there. im one of those. not only do i know which train to take but i also try to take the exact car of the train that will stop in front of the turnstiles of my destination. yeah, maybe im a lazy commuter too. anyhoo, so as im briskly walking (no running bc a. that requires too much effort and b. that attracts attention) to my car, i cant help my feelings of wanting to stab the bitch or asshole who cuts me off and then proceeds to walk as slow as a g-ddamn tourist. screw you! you gotta put one foot in front of the other and then the other one down. MOVE!!!
  • pushers - did you ever see that youtube clip of the trains in japan? if not, check it out here. anyway, here in ny, we dont have hired help pushing the crowds onto the trains. nah, we commuters do it ourselves. thing is, we're not really supposed to. i know new yorkers can be ambitious and all but bitch please, if theres no room theres no room. dont try to fit your fat ass onto this train. just wait for the next one.
when on a crowded ass train (aka the l train which i dont have to take anymore bc my man moved to the west village. holla!) getting a seat is not an option. please, getting on the train itself is like a victory. so you gotta find a pole and grab on for your life. these are the pole people that piss me the f-off.
pole peeps:
  • pole huggers - sure. the subway is full of germs. there are some people who absolutely try to avoid touching anything on the train. but then there are those who know they need to use the pole for balance but refuse to touch it with their bare hands so they hug. they hug the pole with their arm. i understand why these shitheads do this but when the train is crowded, get over yourself and buy a bottle of purell and grab the damn pole. the hugging makes it almost impossible for anyone else to get a piece of the pole for balance which leads to a bunch of crashing bc subway surfing is a crazy skill.
  • pole sliders - and no you pervos, i dont mean sliding down the pole like a damn stripper. i mean those people with the slippery hands. youre on a crowded train, you grab a pole with a handful of others and the hand above yours begins to slide, slide down and touches yours. now. i like to think im a nice person so i give the first slide n touch a pass. hey, the bro/ho didnt know how much room he/she did(not) have. its cool. but when it happens again, and again, and again, thats when i wish i had crazy sharp, long fingernails to stab the bastard with. learn your lesson bitch! stay on your part of the pole!
  • two handers - really? really?! are you about to swing your body around the pole? no? then get your second hand off the pole! if you need both hands to balance, you might as well get off the damn train and get into a cab. these people piss me off bc if you have both hands on the pole then that means your body is facing the pole meaning your fat ass isnt allowing as many people to grab onto it as there can be. the pole should be held by one hand with the side of your bod facing the pole. maximum room, maximum people to balance. subways should have a rule book on how to ride.
other annoying commuters:
  • leaners - so the train is so crowded (damn l train!) that you and many others cant even get a piece of a pole. so you surf. this takes a huge amount of balance and i believe some core ab strength. but then there are the flabby klutzes that cant surf on their own so they lean, they lean on me. im not morgan freeman so i dont know why some people do lean on me. i dont know you, dont even want you touching me and youre doing the full on lean. this is when i wish i had sharp shoulder blades to stab the leaner with. i had a girl lean on me once. our backs were facing each other. i attempted to move and the bitch had the audacity to yell at me. if i wasnt in a mad rush on my way to work and the train wasnt so damn crowded, i wouldve given her a bigger black eye than the damn l train stairs gave me. bitch!
  • door hangers - the ones that stand by the door. they see a whole crowd of people walking onto the train yet they just stand there. with blank expressions on their faces as their big ass bodies block half the door. at least step off the train and let people in and then hop back on so you can have your precious lil spot by the door. but no, they stand and block and piss people off. these are the same people that are pissed that the train isnt moving yet they are the reason the train isnt moving bc its taking people longer to get on the train bc their fatass is in the way. inconsiderate m-fers.
  • money mongers - please give me money im blind. please give me money im homeless. please give me money bc blah blah blah. firstly, i believe half the blind people who walk through the trains asking for money arent really blind. and secondly, if youre gonna ask for money, work for it. do a lil dance. sing a lil song. ok fine, i dont give those people money either but i would. just cause they made an effort. the peeps i usually give money to: the candy boys. hey, i want something out of it too and whats better than a bag of m&ms. even if it did cost me 5 times more than i wouldve paid at the nearest duane reade. but at least that kid is going to basketball camp... or buying crack. whatever. different strokes.
so besides those people, i love taking the subway. except on the weekends. damn weekend service advisories. theres always one train or another that isnt working or running on a completely different line. ah new yorkers. always in a rush yet nothing ever gets done on time.

special mention:
jamies grandma - back in my day, no one got into "relations" until they were engaged.
jj=jersey jew
(not necessarily a bad thing... theyre awesome-ish)

1 PRAISES OR SPAM

Blogger Brad said...

Speaking of subways, did you see what your boy did on monday on the L train. He was wearing a wookie suit. Wait, I guess none of this makes sense if you don't know what I'm talking about...
jakebronstein.com is now zoomdoggle.com. I'm pretty sure I found out about it because of you in the first place.

12:36 PM  

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