Thursday, January 12, 2006

walkin on walkin on broken glass

ok, the term i wanted to use was walkin' on eggshells but it feels more like broken glass because it hurts like hell. thats my life at home. actually its more like a landmine because everyday is not a reenactment of a major war but make the wrong step and here comes hiroshima. i live with 3 ticking time bombs. actually, i lived with 3... one of them moved away. that one is not so tempertastic anymore. shes actually the easiest to calm down outta the three. she used to be the hardest to deal with. time and distance can do that a relationship. it actually made ours better.

the other time bomb usually has a set timer. she only lets out her wrath to one person at a time and it usually lasts from a night to a week. as soon as you get a hit from her, youre prepared for the rest of the fight. after a year of therapy ive learned to not hate this person. actually, when its "my week" i just feel sad for her. her anger is usually based on misunderstandings and skewed views. the whole "she doesnt know any better" mantra just repeats itself in my head as i endure the verbal pain she lashes out on me. it actually helps. and when the calm sets in, i just let the abusive week go. water under the bridge.

the last time bomb is the hardest to deal with. i think i deal with her the same way i used to deal with the first bomb. be as careful as i can but when i make a mistake (which is often, im only human) i must endure the crazy bitchouts til the sun comes out. the missteps i make seem to be more frequent with this one than the first but they dont last as long. the first bomb could go on for days, days!, rambling on about the same thing over and over again until "ive learned my lesson" even though it got through my head the first time. she had and still has a very obsessive nature. this one will yell and scream before she even thinks. i have tried talking back to her but she can never hear what i have to say because shes too busy listening to her own thoughts.

i have always had a strained relationship with this one. ever since we were young, she would spit on the idea of giving me, her older sister, a little respect. i may be cold and bitchy at times, but i always respect my elders. even the ones who would instill so much fear in my everyday life. our relationship did get better these past few years but as i look back, the respect for me is still nonexistent. i always treat people the way i would want to be treated and i guess i naively expect that back from others. i seriously am this girls biggest cheerleader and try so hard to be a great friend to her too but when i get treated like a dumb piece of shit, it makes it hard for me to keep continuing the way i am.

i am always the first to admit that im wrong, even when im not sometimes, but the people i live with are stubborn as hell and just cant even fathom that they in fact, may be the wrong ones. i have spoken up before, but it always falls on deaf ears. ive seen people fight with the third time bomb and it always just ends up a catastrophe. id rather just avoid the chaos and wait 'til the girl has calmed down. is this right though? should i let her go on thinking that her warped mind is in the right state? should i just fight it out until her ears let her actually listen? why is it that no one ever hears what i have to say but when someone talks to me, i let every single hurtful word sink in and repeat itself over and over again until i start thinking about the suicidal notes i would leave? (this is why i go to jill r weekly) i guess nice guys do finish last but i still dont wanna be a bitch either.

special mention:
cassie: its a lose lose.
jamie: lose jews.
discussing going out to karaoke with the cheap jewish boys we know


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