Thursday, October 12, 2006

a rant from a "normal" girl

so ive been a little moody lately. down in the slumps. its probably a mix of a bunch of things - stressing out about my big move, aunt flows in town (or kitty has a nose bleed or im riding the crimson wave, whatEVER), and my minds been on overdrive about my "friendship" with the btj. i think my last booty call (and it seriously was a booty call) with him will be the last. the cute fairytale-ish shield ive been looking at this friendship with has been taken off and ripped to shreds and the reality has finally sunk in. maybe jamie was right, fun is not fun. well, it was fun at the moment but now, not so much fun.

guess you need a little preface. basically, right after we did the horizontal mambo, homeboy tells me he went on two dates with some ho and doesnt know where things are going but will let me know if things get serious. nice. now that was our agreement. to tell each other if one of us is starting to see someone else. now, i havent been a complete saint either (i definitely took advantage of our "friendship" status) but i chose not to tell him. he did the right thing by telling me but just 'cause its right doesnt mean its not gonna hurt. and it did. a little. but it still did. after listening to a song ive sang along to everyday in my car for the past 2 years, i finally heard the lyrics and it made me feel better. the lyrics being: well its not like it hurts that much anyway... when i see you it stings like hell to the fact that we could have something, thatll never happen.

maybe ill gather the courage i need to just end it myself but for now, im just gonna wallow and rant. if anything, itll give you people a little something to read. so i watched a rerun of sex and the city last night and even though i always related a lot more to miranda, i totally felt what carrie was feeling. or what happened to carrie really triggered some thoughts of my own. its the ep when carrie thinks big is embarrassed to be seen with her. charlotte tells her its bc they slept together the first time they met.

ok. first things first. the btj is no mr big. and secondly, i did not have sex with him the first time we met. please. ive got standards. i waited til our 5th or 6th "date". ok fine. im a slut. if anything has to be in quotes then you know its bad. anyhoo, what got me thinking was why the whole "friendship" started. i remember how: we made out for the first time and then he flat out said, "lets be friends." hes not ready for a relationship right now, blah blah blah. so if hes not ready for a relationship, then why does he continue to look for one? more importantly, whats wrong with me? am i not good enough to have a relationship with? is it 'cause im asian? (dont even try to tell me thats a silly question. if something goes wrong, that question will ALWAYS cross my mind.) am i not asian enough (aka skinny and submissive)? i dont know. I.DONT.KNOW!

the more i look back on it, the lyric is true. it doesnt hurt that much. it still hurts, but not a lot. we definitely shared a lot of good times, a lot of "we totally just clicked" moments (or as the aim would say, "two peas in a pod") but the last few times werent as click-y. actually, there were a lot of silent moments. maybe we were too tired from our post-sex session to talk but nonetheless, there was silence. im gonna work on my fear of confrontation and try and end it with the bastard before he does. 'til then, ill be in wallow city.


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