Monday, October 02, 2006

farewell decisions

the end is here. goodbye, jill r. my very last session with the lady i poured my heart and mind out to every monday night for the past two years. it didnt really hit me until yesterday. see, i woke up yesterday in a huge panic. its already october. although i couldnt wait for this month to come (with the BIG MOVE and all) but i nearly made myself sick with the thought of immense amounts of work i have to do and how fast time is flying by. i guess i could have possibly busied myself with moving worries so that i didnt have to focus on the goodbye. i know i know. its not the end all be all goodbye. i can still call jill r whenever i want. but its still a goodbye. a break from my regular emotional routine. and well, a huge bon voyage to the woman whos helped me grow into the lovely AWESOME person i am today. i almost feel like im abandoning her. i definitely have twisted feelings about the last session.

even though this was 100% my decision, its still gonna hurt when our session ends. i feel like i should buy her a thank you card or something. pour my heart into it and let her know how important she is to me. i think i express myself better in writing than i do with spoken words but then again, im also a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and well, i dont think i can put together the right words to convey just how amazing she has been and how much im gonna miss her. man. i hope she restocks on the the kleenex tomorrow.

to show my appreciation, im bringing jill r a box of godiva truffles. i always got her chocolate for the holidays and well, nothing says youre awesome like a box of godiva. its funny. i brought the godiva home tonight and the faj was about to open it when i stopped him and said i was giving it to someone tomorrow night. and thats not even the funny part. then the maj gets the goofiest look on her face and the faj is all like, whats wrong with you. the maj goes, im just happy bc cassies gonna give the chocolate to her new boyfriend. WHA???!!! i think the maj has been goin into my stash and then sprinklin some funny dust in it before consuming. i corrected the lunatic parental figure and told her it was for a friend (yeah, they dont know about jill r. therapy in korea is just as common as gays in korea. like faj says, "yeah there are gay people... but not in korea.") and proceeded to go into my room. then i felt another farewell coming in the near future.

see, i get daily horoscopes emailed to me. big whoop, right? im not like an astrological crazy or anything but horoscopes keep me entertained and well, i love reading things that describe what type of person i am. a bit narcissistic but whatEVER. anyway, i read my horoscope yesterday and it was this:

"It's time to really put your pedal to the metal, especially if you feel like you've been losing steam regarding a certain person, place or thing. Believe it or not, the end is in sight. Take a deep breath and think, 'Onward!'"

yeah, like any normal girl, my mind immediately went to the btj. its not that weve been losing steam or whathaveyou but his outlook on life and the jewish new year right here really made me think that his mind would be on overdrive. hey, im not being one of those "hes just not that into you" psycho bitches. i actually have valid reasons as to why he mind would be churning, with thoughts leaning towards putting our friendship to an end.

the brotha is not a fan of his job and well, if you dont like what youre doing at least 40 hours a week then its kinda hard being happy with your life. he started to make a plan to make his life and being better. first was weight loss. man, this is already starting to sound like a new years resolution list. then it was... quitting the p.o.t. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! then where would that leave us?! ok, our relationship isnt solely based on the greenery. i mean, hes not wheelie. but the more i think about it its like, what do we have in common? yeah, we're both lazy bitches who dont like bars and would rather sit on the couch and watch tv but his tv is tre tre tre different than my tv. hes like the uber guys guy. its sports. any sport. all sports. all.the.time. oh yeah, he likes cartoons too. guys guy. sports and toons. me, i like educational shows like the fabulous of... and best week ever and dramas like celebrity fit club and laguna beach.

i also keep thinking back to this episode of mtvs true life: we're friends with benefits. this one "couple" was this fred savage-y looking dude from nyc who was screwing this chubby blonde from somewhere not in nyc. basically the homegirl was moving into the city and the man was like, peace out i dont wanna screw you anymore. yeah, the bitch was annoying and chubbo but the guy was like... he looked like fred savage man. and not wonder years fred savage but like fat face fred savage. nasty. the point is. i dont wanna be the chubby blonde. i know im not blonde and im not stupid. blondie thought once she moved to nyc a relationship could blossom. i know in on a one way train to friend/ho city. do i want to go all the way to relationship depot? i. dont. know!

i do know this. i know i have a lot of crap to do before i move into the city. cleaning, packing, shopping, cleaning, unpacking, crazy crazy crazy. i also know i have a fun bday party to look forward to and a hot costume i must work my belly off to fit into to. i also know i want to be liked. adored. be appreciated for the awesomeness that i just am. im a catch, bitch. now where the hell is my bait?


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