Sunday, March 12, 2006

americaNSYNC idol

so of course i was at jamies this weekend and of course we watched idol over and over again. we had our usual fix of aces father figure (we cut it down to only watching it 3 times in a row), watched this weeks perfs (bc theres always someone over to needs the weekly recap), and then popped in the best and worst of dvds. jamies friend merideth (aka the mother theresa of our time) said every time she watches idol, she compares each contestant to kelly clarkson and in her eyes, no one compares. i said i totally agree (you know i LOVE kelly!) and then the truest words popped out of my life, "kelly clarkson is like the justin timberlake of american idol." then i started to ask myself, who are the jc, chris, lance, and joey of idol. here are my answers:

the superstar

justin timberlake: you know the album sales were as high as they were because his pretty mug was on the covers. oh but nsync was just the beginning for my timberlake. oh no, pretty boy justin rose from the boyband ashes and became and musical force to be reckoned with. his solo album not only sold millions but gave him the power to answer the possible thought of an nsync reunion with a big fat "SUCK IT!" this homeboy is in the upcoming flick alpha dog which got rave reviews at sundance and mr mickey parke himself (alex solowitz) on the roster. a few movies under his belt and another solo album on the way, nsync is just a mere memory for this talented southern gent. now if only he would lose that big tumor called cameron diaz...

kelly clarkson: you would think an american idol winner would be just that and only that. american idol, boyband, same stigma. clarksons albums not only sold millions (her current album spun out 5 hit singles ), they also gave her the balls to tell american idol to "SUCK IT!" when they asked if contestants can perform her songs. of course she sucked her answer back when simon scalded her for her disrespecting her roots. that naughty cowell might be nasty but the man is right. miss independent recently won two grammys and shot her latest music video which showcases her new flat belly. flat belly for kelly. yay!

the runner up (and still in the closet)

jc chasez: timberlakes superstar-ness may have come effortlessly but jc was also right behind him, singing and dancing ferociously. poor boy was starving for the spotlight that was always on jtim but had to settle for his shadow instead. either way, jc had his own little following that was bigger than the other (aka 3 useless) members combined. he was the joey (mcintyre) to justins jordan (knight). every group has one and he earned the runner up spot with his tremendous efforts. i think he could have a huge solo career if he was steered in the right direction... towards the gays. he can come out... and in bright colored leather pants.

clay aiken: i know. hes never won the idol crown but thats another reason why he is the runner up. that and his career is second fiddle to kelly clarksons. yeah man, hes tre successful compared to most of the other idol winners but he can never have a career as big as clarksons. why? because his image isnt in sync (sorry i had to) with who he is which is a gay man with an amazing singing voice. ill admit, his voice is better than my kellys but to be the superstar you must have the whole package. a closeted gay man is not a complete package.

the fat one

joey fatone: could it be anyone else? (although i have seen recent pics of chris and he kinda resembles the late chris penn. no joke.) joeys voice is pretty kickass. no joke. they dont just put any fool up on broadway to play mark in rent. so why didnt he have any solos in any of nsyncs hit singles. because he is f-a-t fat. cant sell records with a fat face in the center of the cover. its superficial but true. even though he looked like he needed an oxygen tank at the end of each concert, homeboy would always pull off the crazy nsync moves. fat vs jtim, jtim always wins.

ruben studdard: velvet teddy bear. big bear. very big bear. his voice is velvety smooth but i think the big man can only sing ballads. very slow songs. uptempo or midtempo beats are too fast for him to keep up with. seriously, you think hes on a mountain hike when you see him huff and puff his way to the mic. i really hope gastric bypass was in his idol winnings package. sorry 2004. that shouldve beens clay song to ruben because two years later, people still make the mistake of thinking clay won the idol crown and not what was his name again?

the ugly one

chris kirkpatrick: pumpkin head/really bad falsetto back up singing/short and annoying one. thats chris kirkpatrick in a nutshell. i think justin was probably more annoying but he was tolerated a lot more because who could really hate those bright blue eyes and chiseled arms, hot bod and southern charm. i felt bad for chris because not only was the ugly one, he was short, had a bad voice, and worst of all, he was the oldest. he didnt even have time on his side. nonetheless, he was a part of a multi-platinum record breaking boyband. hes earned enough money for him, his babies, his babies' babies, and his mother and sisters. did you ever watch driven: nsync on vh1. i always cry when chris' mom comes on and talks about how he just wanted to make money to take care of his mom and sisters. someone get me a kleenex.

fantasia barrino: ill admit it, i voted for diana degarmo. i know the baby mama needed the votes more but i couldnt stand to look at her cartoon dinosaur face any longer so i voted for the 16 year old who had her whole life in front of her. im a superficial bitch. even though her humongoid mouth scares the bejesus outta me, 'tasia deserved to win. her voice is pretty stellar and distinctive. not annoying macy gray distinctive but raspy illiterate b-a b-y m-a m-a distinctive.

dumb blonde with an agenda

lance bass: this boy didnt have the best moves. you know he didnt have the best voice. and the looks department was already filled by justin. why was lance in nsync? so he could makes tons of money and pursue a career elsewhere. movies, music, tv, lance has got a plan. he knows how to utilize what hes got and milk it for all its worth. hello! bass tried to go to space and not pay a dime for it. are we sure hes not part jew? hes made some bad financial decisions before (on the line, his nose job), but at least he doesnt stop trying (a stupid "odd couple" reality show starring him and fat boy joey). perserverence. hes got that.

carrie underwood: even though i havent heard her single on the radio ever, not even z100, this reigning idol is everywhere. candies ads, hershey ads, can you say cha ching! and thank the lord for great endorsements. always in us weekly, people and even ew, this blonde chica was even everywhere during fashion week. underwood knows that her idol career has got a shelf life so shes already keeping her options open. who knew rednecks had functioning brains.

"we didnt even smoke yet but we sound like idiots anyway" special mention:

in the kitchen reading a low carb recipe
jamie: wait so is a mixer like an actual mixer?

after smoking a ciggie in my car (her, not me)
joinaclub: do you have like a chewy thing with flavor?
me: like gum?

the idol theme begins in the living room, theo barks incessantly to let us know the show was starting. you know youve trained your dog right when he recognizes idols on.


Blogger NYC Publicist said...

love it, love it, love it.

4:37 PM  

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