i died a lil today

weddings. theyre on my mind so much that theyve even taken over my dreams. damn, and im NOT the one whos getting married. nuts. so dee finally picked a place and date for her wedding which makes this happening that much more real. its nuts. like i said, i wouldnt start dieting until she picked a date (and then push the diet start date by a week bc of mother nature and the "aunt" due this week) and i wouldnt work on the wedding website until then either.

so thats what i did today. i worked on their site. i wanted to summarize their relationship in a cute paragraph so that i can show the world how adorable and compatible these two are without babbling on and on about it. after lunch, the words started to flow right outta me. i think i did an ok job with it. i already had the really good pics ready to upload. typed out the words and checked out the work. fantastic. and since i had some free time, i decided to do some weddingchannel.com stalking.

please. people may deny doing this but i know they do, type in a random persons name to see if theyre getting hitched. now, there was this guy in hs that i was OBSESSED with. oh, this beautiful man, who yes, was a year below me in school but technically was just a mere few months younger than me (yes, just like my current bf and no! this is not my mo, the liking of younger dudes, maybe it is.) was so gorgeous that his code name was god as in nothing can be hotter than he (mmmmm). ive been cyber-stalking him from time to time, checking to see if hes on friendster, myspace, and facebook, but i would always end up empty handed. even google had a hard time coming up with search results. this guy is like non-existent in cyberland. so yeah, every now and then id go on weddingchannel.com and type in his name and then breathe a sigh of relief when the site doesnt recognize it.

so today, after i completed my sisters wedding site, i typed in god's name and lo and behold, a finding popped up with a girls name that could totally be of a ho that he would date (yeah, shes jewish and yeah, of course he is too! bc that is def my mo). so my stomached dropped to the floor along with my jaw but my fingers could not stop moving. i opened a new window and signed on facebook asap and typed in this ho's name. could it be? maybe theres another god out there with the same name. so i looked up the slutty fiance and sure enough she had a profile with pics, pics of him. of god. in all his glory. with a full head of hair. maybe its bc jillers hs crush is losing his hair but i braced myself for a balding god when i didnt need to. hes got his hair, and his good looks and if i saw him today, id still call him god. yum. yum. yum.

so of course, i im'ed the one person who would feel the impact of this news almost as much as me: jiller! jiller has been with me through all my crazy god obsessing stages. she understood the tiny death i had today. she looked at the pics of this slutty ho with me and helped me grieve. first thing i noticed was that shes older! ha! i called the slutty fiance a cradlerobber when the jiller reminded me that i am one myself. damn that smart jiller! after a while, i had to stop staring and being upset. why should i be? ive got a man. a man who loves me. a man that i love. so who cares if some crush of mine is getting married to some ho. blah. just let it be.

so i did. for about an hour. actually, i got distracted by my bf. he im'ed me. and we talked. had our usual im bored at work whats going on tonight im convo. then he signed off and le join signed on. i had to tell her the god news. and oh man, we perused the pics again. thats when i noticed something. i saw a pic of god with a young boy. thought it was adorable that he was pictured playing with a lil kid who was (and this is the clincher) holding a yankees bat. then, then! i saw the caption, "my boys!". hmmm. is this chick a mama? a baby mama? shes older and with child? hes marrying an old chick with baggage! then another thought dawned on me, is this child his child? omg. has god been missing from cyberland bc hes been busy being a daddy?

this news just conjured up such weird feelings for me. why should i care so much about a guy who i barely know? i guess its bc its killed the fantasy that i thought was dead but was still alive in my head. maybe i felt the death of my silly hs fantasy part of me. whoa. thats deep.