robbed myself

tonights session with jill r was pretty hardcore. we talked about stuff i already knew about myself but she gave me another view of life. another way to see how to spend my time on this earth. we didnt talk about life and death. we talked about relationships. yeah, the confusing stuff.

it all started with my story of rent. how jiller and jamie took me to see this play and it just got me filled up with silly emotions. tears of joy, happiness, appreciation, basically being very touched by this gesture, but also tears of sadness and depression because thats what watching relationships do to me. relationships make me feel sad and most of all, envious. deep down i want what those people have but i usually react to seeing couples with ridicule and harsh assumptions on their relationships - hes probably cheating on her, she looks like a whore: the usual.

after i whined about how much i really do want a companion and get rid of this lonliness thats been plaguing me, jill r said the one thing that i knew was true but didnt want to believe: im scared of intimacy. damn it. i feel like juliet but without a romeo that would climb high walls just to see me. the one thing i crave is the one thing i fear. bummer.

jill r explained that im living my life by protecting myself from what might happen to me. its part of my beating myself up mentally. instead of taking chances, i avoid them all together. i dont want to be that person anymore. she was right. even if the outcome of a relationship may not be great (it may even be bad), im robbing myself of the happy, funny, exciting, sad, scary, angry, crazy and fun moments before its end. life is just a string of moments. i dont want to rob myself anymore of any moments i can seize. like the play says, no day but today.

special mention: "are you homeless or do you have a car? aw, youre homeless."
-classic quote from jamie while frustratingly looking for parking