mama cass ... ham sandwich

bespectacled life

2011-04-08T17:32:00.002-04:00

i just started wearing glasses yesterday. i knew my eyes were going bad years ago but ive been a lazy ho about it and kept pushing off getting my eyes checked. i knew i really should get them checked when i renewed my license back in october. i barely passed the eye exam. the lady at the counter even said to me, "do you have your glasses?". yeah, even after that happened, it still took me almost 6 months to get my ass over to the optometrist.

i honestly thought wearing glasses would be like getting a haircut. its a change, but it doesnt make me look like a totally different person. i even used to scoff at movies like shes all that. cmon! all homegirl did was remove her glasses and get rid of her ponytail but thats supposed to make her unrecognizable?!?! and besides the spandex suit, the only difference between superman and clark kent was the glasses. i thought that was all just a bunch of crap.

i like to think of myself as a chameleon. being completely real, im probably a solid 7.5. no makeup, no fancy clothes aka how i go to work everyday. the base of me is 7.5. even then, i still get a few looks on my way to the subway (and the subway is behind my building, not a far walk, at all!).

when im all dolled up - makeup, sexy clothes, fab hair - i can def bring myself up a full point, possibly more (depending on how skinny i look that day). not only do i get looks, but hollers too. and when im with my man, he has his laser beam eyes ready to shoot at anyone giving me those looks and hollers.

now, i can also make my looks go the completely other way too. throw on some schlubby sweats and pull my greasy hair into a (gasp!) ponytail. oh yeah. i can definitely go down a point or 3. unless, youre my horny man who still thinks im a 7.5 or above when i look like this. ah. thats true love. anyway, but if i leave the apt all schlubby, i get no looks and its awesome. i purposely go out looking like that so i can be ignored. i bet celebs are jealous of my chameleon powers.

so this morning, i left for work as my usual 7.5 self. no makeup, plain clothes. the usual. except this time, i had my glasses on too. i really didnt think i was doing a type of science experiment until i reached the steps to my subway. hmmmm. no looks. the true test will be when i take the subway home. will i get ignored by the hot dog vendor on my walk home from the subway?

theres another thing i need to adjust to with these glasses. i have to remember the lenses are clear. im so used to wearing sunglasses, especially on the subway (yes, im one of those cool people who wear sunglasses indoors. ok fine, i also make fun of people who do this too. i call them douches, especially if their collars are popped.), that i literally have to stop myself from either staring at an adorable kid or rolling my eyes at a douche who probably has a popped collar and is wearing sunglasses.

forced feelings

2011-01-04T15:09:00.006-05:00

you cant force someone to like you. if that were possible, i wouldve had numerous boyfriends in hs. heck. i wouldve had boyfriends since 2nd grade. but alas, you cant force someone to feel a certain way towards a person. ive learned that the hard way. when i introduced my man to my fam, i thought theyd welcome him with arms. of course, being my fam, how could i think meeting my bf would be a nice, easy time. the barrage of phone calls i received from my sisters and parents about the work i needed to do on him if i really wanted him to stay was not something i expected or was prepared for. i took the criticisms really hard. how could they not see the same man that i see with my eyes. of course after 4 years, i did start to see the "work" that needed to be done but i also knew it wasnt my mans fault but my own. i shouldve taught/reminded him that being respectful in an asian house is much different than the house and environment he grew up in. now the issue is him remembering to follow the "respect rules" of an asian household which is hard for him to do bc if he doesnt believe in something, its hard for him to follow. i know hes putting as much effort as possible bc he loves me and wants to see me happy but i still feel like im playing the mine field game when we go to family gatherings. except its harder bc its not me whos walking on the field, but my man. you cant control what a person says and does. especially my man. he walks to his own drumbeat and he really likes his drums.
now, the tables have a turned a bit. actually, it started last year - my 3rd trip down to anguilla with my mans fam. it was also the 2nd year in a row my mans bro was single. the words that spilled out of my mans bros mouth stung me. he told my man, "youre so boring now. cassie has changed you, for the WORSE." ive somehow singlehandedly changed my man from a beer guzzling fun guy to a boring homebody. the WORSE possible thing ever! after that trip, i told my man, i will not be joining his family next year for their annual holiday anguilla trip unless his bro has a gf. i figured if he came with a lady, they can go out together and then my man and i can continue to be the WORSE thing ever: BORING.
well his bro did find a lady to bring to the trip, so my man and i decided to come back down and join the fam. i thought great, this year will be like my first trip down here. the bro had a gf and they went out every night without even asking if we'd like to join them. they had their fun couple nights out while my man and i had our BORING couples nights in.
so we are down here and the bro wanted us to go out. honestly, i thought i was doing everyone a favor when i told my man to go out with his bro and his lady while i went back to the villa with his parents after the nightly family dinner. i knew i would be a debbie downer and my man wouldnt be as fun as he can be bc he'd be "babysitting" me the entire time. why would i be a debbie downer? well, i dont drink alcohol and i hate talking to people. what do people do when they go to bars? drink alcohol and talk to random people. yeah, not my idea of a good time and trust me, that wouldve been written all over my face bc this girl does not have what they call, a poker face. my emotions arent on my damn sleeve, theyre on my tan, freckled face.
i thought last night was great. i got to answer a bunch of emails, surf fb, and read my fun book while watching golden girls without any "havent you seen this episode already"'s from my bf. my bf came back last night and said he had a blast. mission accomplished! or so i thought. apparently, this is not good enough. i am not a good compromiser. compromising is doing something you absolutely have no interest in doing to make, not your man, but your mans bro happy?
ugh, i guess this is karma biting me in the ass. ive told my man so many times that he cant just be good to me but my fam too. crap, now i have to do the same thing even if it means getting alcohol poisoning and feeling my heart beat hard and rapidly out of my chest while my breaths get shorter and shorter as my face gets redder and redder and hotter and hotter. yes! im so looking forward to tonight and every single night we have left of this vacation.
there really is something wrong with me. im in paradise and im complaining. am i ungrateful.com or just homesick.com or selfish.com? i dont know. wish i did so i can buck up and be happy already. well, at least i have freckles on my face :)

tick tock wedding/baby clock - the timeline has been made and given

2010-08-28T19:55:00.009-04:00

so we all know the creme de la creme of this blog has been the journey ive had with my man while he was still referred to as the btj. once he became the bf, it was all downhill. why? bc i became happy. lets face it. who wants to read about happy times? we're all suckers for other peoples misery. yeah, we're all going to hell, except most of us are jewish (theres no hell in judaism) so ok, we can continue on enjoying other people's misery.
anyway, i am in no way miserable - would i still be with my man after 4+ unofficial/3+ official years? - but i certainly have a new issue to complain about. after 4 or 3 years together which includes living in 4 different apts (one in bk!), of course you know what the "issue" is - wheres the rock? you know me, ive always prided myself in NOT being a normal girl, if i was, i wouldve been bugging my man for a ring 2 years ago (which wouldve immediately been followed by him saying "peace out" and me writing on this blog daily about why guys are immature assholes). but since i waited 8 months to get the "girlfriend" title, i also knew that asking for the bigger title of "fiance" which eventually becomes "wife" would take a bit longer. its cool, im patient... and also smart. i know my man and pressure will only lead to explosion. i knew i had to approach this topic lightly. very very very lightly.
honestly, the ring didnt become an issue for me until recently. these past few years ive been with my man, we've been to quite a number of weddings. not one of these events made me think, "these bitches are getting married, why arent we?" bc all the couples whos weddings we've gone to have been together longer than my man and i have. man, have we been to weddings. just out of curiosity, here is the fun list of friends weddings and what theyre up to now:

nick and georgia - has a baby on the way
cheryl and marc - just had a baby boy
jordana and scott - living in florida with their twin baby girls
cheryl and jimmy - chilling in their cute house on li
jamie and mike (best wedding ever!) - baby boy on the way!
lauren and mike (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - also pregs
diane and brian - created the gor-geous lady z
carrie and carlos (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - have a baby girl
lauren and shaun (a-team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - shes prob enjoying their joint bank account. i kid... maybe
rachel and jon (a team wedding aka my mans fam friend) - prob waiting 'til lauren and mike (the girls are sisters) give birth to their little one to start on their own brood
jennie and ray - didnt go to their wedding :( but they got twin boys on the way!
melfur and rich - she wants a bun in her oven, like yesterday
jiller and tom - patiently waiting for their fun wedding video... we all are :)
gayle and chris - the wedding is in november!

crappers thats a LOT of weddings but no, not a one of these gave me the "i need a ring NOW!" heebie jeebies, tingles, devil eyes, etc... what finally made me realize, i gotta get moving on this ring train was a combo of things.
for one, seeing couples who have been together less than my man and i have getting engaged - like jiller and jamers college friend leah who got a rock less than a year of dating her now fiance - definitely got my eyebrows raised and the wheels upstairs to start turning. im no cold-hearted biatch. when a friend of mine gets engaged, i am genuinely happy for her. especially if shes in a good solid relationship. however, if the guys a scumbug, i smile and aw at the ring, and then i go home and talk shit about it to my man. duh.com
second thing is the time i spend with my gor-geous niece zoe. aaaaah, zazzie makes me want a gor-geous baby of my own. i say this as i take my birth control pill religiously! duh i dont want one right now. how can we raise a baby when my man and i live in a studio apt and are still on a wallet diet? but i wanna know that it is in the future, the near future.
oh yeah, the other ingredient in this "get me a ring" combo is my upcoming birthday. this year, i turn officially old. when the biological starts ticking, real real loud. when i ask my gyno at every appt i have with her if my box is still capable of producing and carrying a healthy beautiful bun. its funny how in your 20s you go to the gyno to make sure your box stays bun-less, and now its all, can i make 'em and how much time do i have a left?
yeah i always get the "youre next" comments whenever someone gets a ring. and usually that crap doesnt bother me. but after i had a weekend full of "youre next"'s and "what the hell is taking your man so long"'s followed by a fateful email from cosmo (shut up! i dont take their articles seriously. i read them as entertainment, not advice. i swear!), a lightbulb went on in my head and a timeline spewed out of my mouth. crazy.com.com
so the email from cosmo was titled "when to give him the ultimatum" and obv, i opened the email. i first thought the article was gonna be about the girlfriend title ultimatum but then i realized, most relationships dont start like my man and i's aka an ultimatum. the ultimatum the article was talking about was the ultimatum, the ring ultimatum. oy. even someone up there was like, "um get a move on you fatass." and then i heard g-star's voice saying "you gotta give them a nudge bc men are morons. just do the math backwards and then tell him what you want." hers was the most reasonable voice to listen to. good solid advice from my old "smoke smoke and die" buddy.
so i started doing math. i knew fo sho that i wanted my favorite child to be our second and be born in the year of the monkey bc thats exactly what i am: the second child, born year of the monkey, and the favorite (well at least im the faj's fave, i know majs heart only belongs to the brosef). so the year of the monkey is 2016. i also know i want the kids to be at least 2 years apart, so the first bun has got to be baking (hehe, baking and baking. exactly and probably) in 2014 the latest but ideally 2013. so the wedding would have to be in 2012 which leads to the ring in 2011 - we all know it takes about a year to plan a wedding.
thats exactly what i told my man. "if you like then you shoulda put a ring on it." ha! like i would ever approach this topic by singing beyonce. and no, that song will NOT be on our "must play" list. will most likely end up on the "do not play or the bride will walk off the dance floor" list. and yes, i have started that list already. im a woman. of course i have.
i gave my man the timeline and his reaction was not as explosive as i thought it would be. it was actually pretty calm and he actually said, thats a reasonable timeline. however he did also say, the thought of marriage still scares him which sent me in an emotional downward spiral and out the door to take a walk in central park to clear my thoughts. oy, ive only been that upset 1 other time before that but we wont get into that. ill just say if i ever see that gummy skinny slut again she is deader than dead.
so thats where we're at right now. still gf/bf but the timeline is now made and said. whenever people asked me when "our time" will be, i always answered with, "hes still in school so probably when hes done." and the timeline still follows that answer. my man will be done with school in 2011 and with his computer science degree, hes gonna be superstar! i totally believe in my man. i believe in him so much that i wanna work in the hr dept at his successful future job bc women love success and well, i aint gonna let no ho take my man. i have no prob cuttin a bitch. oy, i am turning more and more jersey everyday.

american idol - top 8 ladies of 2010

2010-03-10T17:10:00.008-05:00

i literally havent written here since last year. what prompted me to blog again was idol. yes, im watching it again. well at least on tuesday nights when babe - thats the bf for those not in the know and ill be referring to him by that name from now on - has class and i get the tv all to my sweet self. *to give babe some credit - and he loves getting credit - his tolerance for my "bullshit" tv has gotten much much better. the other week he sat through an entire hour of idol and even sits through about 10 mins of real housewives (of any city!) before gagging and going into a seizure. baby steps. no one can change overnight, or over 3 years. lol.* so ive watched the girls perform on 2 separate nights yet i always manage to miss the boys. and honestly, i have no interest in watching the guys this year bc a. simon called it the year of the ladies and b. the korean dude already got kicked off. yes i think koreans are krazy but a small part of me is bursting with kp (korean pride... i know! who knew i even had any) and always buzzes when i see a semi-famous k-dog on tv. especially when its a korean dude pitching against the yankees. emotional conflict much? thank goodness the yanks signed chan ho park. hopefully he doesnt suck bc yankee fans tell it like it is. even if youre a yankee, if you suck, the fans will let you know it.
anyway, im going off on an unrelated tangent. this is about idol! so while i was watching this surprisingly short (only 1 hour?!) ep of the ladies performances - i knew something was up when they went straight into the performances and cut out the weekly montages with facts about each contestant that we could care less about - i decided to text myself some really short notes about each performance in case i wanted to blog about it. here are my notes (i wanted to include pics but i forgot my photobucket password):

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

contestant:

song:

notes:

texted a vote?

i voted for 3 out of the 8 ladies and of course my 3 were the odd balls. they were definitely the strange goth, drama geek, or just plain po' kids in hs.
hey, if the cheesy blondes had good voices, i wouldve voted for them too, maybe. didi. ah, sweet skinny bitch didi. she has a sweet voice but i just cant see the ability to BUST OUT coming from her. katelyn. oh sweet cheesy katelyn. i dont think she'll go very far on ai but shes got proactiv commercial written all over her face - well her forehead and neck. dont matter how much makeup you got on girly, i can see right through the cakeness. besides, im sure proactiv pays well. why the crap would p diddy even get on the proactiv train. you know hes all about the benjamins baby.
i really liked the song lacey sang but every time i hear her sing i think im watching an ep of greys anatomy. oh and shes the redhead, albeit its fake red hair. dont matter. red hair = cannot be trusted. redhead females = evil conniving whorebags.
katie, the diana degarmo of this season, has been pretty disappointing. oy paige, i lied when i said her perf was forgettable. i remember it, and not with good thoughts. again, disappointing.
will i be watching the guys tonight? not sure. most likely not. will i blog about idol again this year? id like to. maybe when the top 12 is chosen. do they still do wild cards? bring john park back. and tell him to not pick a jason mraz song next time.

inspired by karo

2009-11-17T13:46:00.009-05:00

i was actually just gonna put the special mention at the end of my last post but then i read this weeks ruminations by douche dujour aaron karo and i found myself totally agreeing with him so i figured, lets write about it.

karos quite true rumination:
And, finally, as my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary approaches next week, I can’t help but marvel at what an incredible milestone it is. Especially since I’ve barely ever even dated a girl for 35 weeks. I don’t know what the secret to my parents’ success is, but it can’t hurt that they watch television every night in separate rooms. In fact, I think that’s one of their more brilliant moves – two DVRs equals true domestic bliss.

after reading this, i realized my relationship with my man can be perfect! the only major bump my man and i have is our tv viewing. we actually got into a fight about it over the weekend. here are the deets for you schadenfreudians.

saturday was a lazy day followed by g-stars bday party at her apt in forrest hills. getting there wasnt too bad. just 5 stops into queens on the e train. the walk from the train was nice too. i like doing simple things like walking with my man. plus, the party was fun. good food. good friends. good times. we were one of the first to arrive so of course we were the first to leave.

oy, i bet we werent the first ones to get home. yeah, 2 hours later, my man and i finally got our keisters on our couch. e train took forever to come then ran local and we had to transfer to the 1 at penn station but not without helping angry li-ers and reassuring them theyll make their train.

so, after our long travels, we sat and watched some tv. i actually had the remote :) my man was dillydallying on the computer. so i turned on talk soup and a clip of the carrie prejean interview with larry king came on. i wanted my man to watch this craziness especially since i talked about it with him earlier in the week. i said, now you dont have to youtube it, its on right now. but he started having his "i cant handle this" seizures so i changed the channel and chucked the remote at him. he started apologizing and i began my rant on how i cant take it anymore. while i was talking, my man put on tosh.0 (one of our new fave shows) and actually, hit rewind and played the segment over, while i was talking!

he thinks he can just say sorry and start watching tosh.0!?!?! so i abruptly walked away and got ready for bed. as soon as i hit the hay my man did what all women put down as advice for the bride to be at every bridal shower - he didnt let me to go bed angry. if he wanted to talk it out then talk i will. and i did. i vented out all my feelings about our tv viewing. although it did get better theres still a LOT of work there. i let him know that its been harder then i let on. tv viewing is such a huge part of my identity and i feel like ive lost most of it bc i really only watch about 20% (and thats a HIGH number - its probably a lot less) of the shows i would wanna watch. i compared it to him only being able to watch yankee home games (regular season). no cartoons, no other sports, no wrassling, no ridiculously bad action flicks. then i felt a lot better bc i got that off my chest and i know my man heard every word of it.

the fight actually made me feel great about me, my man, and our relationship. i looked back on that entire night and i practically fell in love with my man again. it was actually me bitching, not him, when it took us 2 hours to get home. and yeah, our fight got resolved bc my man took initiative. you know me, i probably wouldve held it in and then let it burst at the most random time which wouldve caused another fight. ugh, i can be such a chun sometimes.

special mention:
after spending an entire day holding gorgeous baby z
me: babe, can you massage my arm?
my man: is it gonna get me laid?

lifes big three

2009-11-10T10:56:00.009-05:00

*yes i know its been a ridiculously long hiatus. i have excuses that are actual facts to explain this hiatus but true or not, an excuse is an excuse. like my insightful bf says, "excuses are like assholes, everyone has one." i like my quote better, "success is like farts, only your own smell good." why are we awesome at potty humor? anyway, enjoy the recap of my life so far. what youve missed, why ive cried, the good stuff (or bad stuff since people generally enjoy reading about tragedies instead of joyous occasions - every human has schadenfreude).*

ive been ridiculously emotional lately. seriously. i cried (and literally couldnt stop) at a very happy gathering recently. and i genuinely was ecstatic for this person. no jealous feelings - not even a twinge - at all. i really think la herba may be the cause to my waterworks. like last night, i got home from work, took a binger and then watched that stupid khloe kardashian wedding to lamar odom. you know, the couple who got married a whole month after meeting each other. anyway, a normal ep of this show usually makes me gag at its stupidity (yet i still watch them like a horrible train wreck) but i figured ill get this off the dvr before my man gets home from class. yikes, i cried. like more than once. thats when i knew this crying thing was serious.

so i started to think about my life and where i am right now. why the crap am i crying at random moments so much? maybe im crying bc for the first time in a LONG time, i dont have any major complaints about my life. maybe my hormones are confused bc im a chun, i ALWAYS have something to complain about. this year, ive learned to not stress about petty little things and somehow the big things in life fell into place.

i finally obtained the BIG THREE. you know, the main 3 things you need to be a happy (and considered "successful") adult - phase 1. im sure when kids get into the picture, there will be a phase 2 with a whole new list. as for the current list i should have, phase 1, i got it on lockdown.

job - ive had this on lockdown for years. this is the one that has luckily been steady for me. do i like my job? yes. do i want to do this forever? probably not. if i was asked this question 2 years ago, i wouldve said yes. this year though, i actually started thinking about the future. getting married, having kids. sure, leaving the office at 7pm is ok for now but i still find myself rushing home to my man. when i have a full family to come home to, i wont be kosher with leaving work that late. once the economy gets back up, ill have to start working on my career path. pave out the road to working from home. for now, im completely content with the road to my heavily decorated cube.
home - sure, ive owned my doto pad since october 2006 but i dont consider it official until may 2009, when i began to live there full time and splitting the bills in half instead of getting a lil help from my father and having my rude, idiot, selfish, irresponsible sister f-up my credit. not only do i have home on lockdown, its with a domestic partner :) i really started to enjoy domestic life once my man and i moved in. cooking dinners when i come home from work. lazy weekends with the entire city at our fingertips. and i actually started to think about decorating. im starting to understand and want matching towels in my bathroom, nice plates and bowls, etc... one of my fave things to do is grocery shopping with my man. it always reminds me that we're grown ups and its kinda fun too.
partner - this is the hardest to get and for some people, hardest to keep for others. ive learned you have to be a strong independent person in order to find the one to share your life with. to make it work, you need to be happy with who you are alone and just want to be with the other person, not need. no one wants to be with a needy one. my man and i are still going strong. this year was challenging but i think challenges are good. it shows how strong the relationship is and how much it can take. my man went from not working (for several months) to working and school. the complete schedule change threw us for a loop but since it was a good change, we went with the flow. ah, the move to doto definitely brought on a change. not just financially, which our wallets are smiling about, but tv time. ok, yes, my man is still a bit of a tv-nazi but i did break him in a bit. its so nice to have glee on the dvr.

even though i said i dont want to give excuses, i still want to explain my hiatus. i missed the whole summer plus half of autumn.

june - i blame work. remember i mentioned leaving work at 7pm. yeah that was considered a half day back in june. boring work fact: our fiscal year begins july 1st. so i somehow managed to launch 30 campaigns on 7/1 all while manually entering in these expensive campaigns into our new network. basically, it was a lot of work on top of more manual labor. average time i left work: 11pm. there were a few nights i left at midnight. luckily my man wasnt working at the time so he would pick me up and take the subway home with me instead of me shelling out $20 for a cab ride. thats LOVE!
july - june was launching campaigns, july was cleaning up any messes we made during our whirlwind work of trying to launch these bitches on time. oh yeah, and since 4/20, my man and i were virtually tree-free (totally free for my man, i would "cheat" if i was at jillers). i lost some weight from the lack of appetite and free time. best/worst diet. also, my man and i did a solid for my fam and dogsat gio for a week. what did we get in return? fleas. a year after we had to deal with bed bugs! bc jo decided to spend her money on cigarettes and starbucks instead of meds for her dog, we got fleas. did we get an apology from jo? no. i thought id have to use all my energy to calm my man down but when we marched to jos job (she got fired that night. thats karma bitch!), to get her atm card and give her a verbal lashing, it was actually my man calming me down. sometimes i still marvel at the fact that i can be related to such a piece of shit. like they say, you can pick your nose (i think i made an excellent choice on that, hehe), but you cant pick your family.
august - babies and brides. miss dee had her baby shower this month. the shower that was supposed to be at my parents house with food by dees mother in law and games and decortations by me. well bernice (dees m-i-l) decided to change the venue to her friends house (this was AFTER invites were sent out) and well, after a few days of stress, all power was relinquished to her. i was also (and still am) in a cold war with jo. i heard she lost a lot of weight from being a selfish irresponsible piece of shit whos on a ridiculously unhealthy and she'll probably gain all her weight back and more frozen taquito diet. the baby shower went pretty well and i still got to wear the hot sister crown (jo aint takin that from me!). my man and i went to his fam friends (a-team member) wedding. i believe this is the last of a-team weddings for a while - the only "single" a-team kids left are my man, his bro and stacey d. august also brought a bride to be. jennie! jennies relationship with ray is the longest that any of my friends have had with any of their significant others. they were acting like a married couple way before i even met my man. so her engagement was a crazy happy surprise. plus, it was a fantastic reason to get together with the syo girls.
september - ZOE!!! born: friday, 9/25/09 at 10:47pm. this whole month was just waiting for the most precious being i have ever met. dee would keep changing her mind about what week she wanted to give birth. the best man from her wedding and his wife gave birth in early september (and their baby was due a week AFTER baby kohn). i made her a spicy dinner 2 nights before she gave birth to help bring on miss zoe faster. and she did! water broke friday morning, the parents to be were at the hospital at 2pm. pitocin at 6pm, epidural at 8:30pm, zoe at 10:47pm. my man and i cabbed it over as soon as i got the birth text from brian. i visited zoe 3 times in less than 24 hours. zoe=love!
october - aka birthday month. my mans dad turned 60 on the 8th. we went to minetta tavern and got those famous $26 burgers. i hated to admit it but it is damn good. jiller turned 29 with bowling. my bro turned 20 with a brunch at perilla with me, my man and his new gf. and yes, hes loving nyu. my own bday, golden bday (29 on the 29th) was great too. massage and dinner with friends. the faj went to korea to seek out what he and maj should do with the future. they are currently considering moving to korea. that brought me to tears, on my bday. i thought i was cool with my parents moving away but i said before, ive been thinking about the future and well, the thought of my kids knowing my parents as the weird grandparents that live far away literally brought me to tears. and zoe already loves her grandmaj so mucheese.
november - yankees win the world series. woo hoo. and the moment that i mentioned in the very beginning of this novel-long post, happened this month too. JILLER got ENGAGED! we all knew it was coming but for some reason, i was still shocked... to tears. in june, jiller and tom had a housewarming party and thats when the "countdown" or "race" began. jiller mentioned she went looking for rings with tom. gayliestar and chris were also talking rings. so i thought for sure, by the end of the summer, one of both will be rock-in it. so when the summer ended and nothing happened, my mind went straight into zoe mode. when i came to dinner and drinks late, i was one of the last to find out and well, i won "best reaction of the night." i was so embarrassed when i got home that night. i mustve looked like such a jealous crybaby which is the complete opposite of how i feel.

when good things happen to jiller, you cant not be happy for her. jiller is one of the BEST people i know. everybody loves jiller. jiller is just a genuine and good person. tom is a great man who loves and treats jiller the way she deserves to be. i seriously have no bad feelings for their engagement, just excitement. i can daydream about my kids getting excited to see aunt jiller and uncle tom. hehe.

maybe the biggest change for me is the way i think. ive been thinking about the future, and even talking about it out loud. my relationship with my man isnt new anymore so i dont have to hide my daydreams about weddings and baby names from him. we actually talk about it. how gorgeous our children will be. what cities we would live in after he graduates from school. the music we want played at our own wedding (dj all the way! bands are overrated.). ive even wanted to spend more time with my family. yes. the chuns. well, im sure zoe is a big cause for that. i actually want to talk to my parents instead of just feeling obligated to. and yes, i totally want them to be a part of my childrens lives. all this stuff is phase 2 though and im still enjoying my time in phase 1.

thats probably why i cried. my friends are on their way phase 2. i kinda bugged earlier this year when the gormans decided to skip queens all together and move straight to li. they went straight into phase 2. phase 1 - city life. phase 2 - suburbs. the ring on the finger is basically the ticket for the bridge to phase 2 bc usually, people enter phase 2 with a partner (who wants to live in the 'burbs alone? yikes.). jiller got her ticket to the phase 2 bridge. i do not want that ticket right now. that ticket comes with a whole list of decisions to make (some people call that list a wedding). ive grown up a lot this year and i plan on evolving more next year so if that ticket is offered to me, ill accept it with huge grin... im praying no tears either but you know me, just the thought of it gets me misty eye.

10 reasons why kate sucks - go team jon!

2009-05-26T09:59:00.011-04:00

i know i know. its jon and kate mania these days. and i know, the only way to get rid of the media blitz is to not pay any attention. dont buy that whorebags books and dont watch the show. but i love the show. i was a fan before all the scandals. and i watched it bc the kids are adorable. watching them grow up is so fun and fascinating. jon and kate themselves were just extras. quarreling extras but extras. they kinda reminded me of dee and bri. maybe its bc bri and jon are both mixed with 1 asian parent each (except bri still has all his hair... for now anyway, baby #1 is on the way in early oct!). and dee is an ocd neat freak and can be moody (<----- thats the nicest word i can think of) at times just like kate.

is it an age thing? - from the getgo, kate abused jon. maybe its bc shes 2 years older than jon but she always belittled him. im older than my bf too (by 3 1/2 months) but i see my man as at least my equal but usually as more bc hes brilliant and i respect his opinions and advice. (<----- ok no more mushy stuff... for now) kate would yell at jon for interrupting her during their interviews but she was the one who would always do that to him to correct whatever he was saying or just say demeaning things ("do you even know how to speak"). her "love slaps" to his arm or whatever was the closest body part sounded hard and were usually unnecessary.

eye rolls from bitchface - her eye rolls are the worst. ok fine, when anybody rolls their eyes its condescending, but she does the most dramatic eye rolls that completely say "you are such a moron" and those were on a regular basis, and usually just reserved for jon but last nights ep (the season 5 premiere) she rolled her eyes at joel! 5 year old joel!!! she was filling pinatas with candy and joel asked if a froggy was candy. she says "i dont know why dont you try it" and then rolled her eyes at him. ugh, i wanted to give her a "love slap" right then and there. a person with no patience should not have children, let alone 8!!! on a side note, a change in kate: letting her kids eat candy. she used to be strict-o-matic about sweets (and food in general - they would pack the kids lunches whenever they went on trips bc they only eat organic foods) but im guessing her more laid back attitude is probably from the guilt of not being at home as much as she used to ("one of my kids called me by their nannys name").

selfish selfish selfish - its difficult to listen to kate talk. shes one of the most selfish humans ever - and i know (and may be related to) one. she does mention that shes been hard on jon but then only claims that hes the one whos changed. i have to admit she was a decent mother in the beginning. taking care of 2 young'ns plus 6 babies is no easy feat. her ocd-ness actually came in handy bc it wouldve been complete chaos without it. fame has changed her but of course it would, shes pwt (po white trash). kate grew up in a trailer park and first plane ride was for her honeymoon to disney world. jon grew up at least middle class with luxuries like regular ski trips. usually when pwt get rich, they get greedy. kate is the perf example.

kate the greed-monster - jon and kate had twins. jon was content. he had 2 beautiful daughters. they used ivf to get cara and mady and you know that aint cheap. but kate, being the pwt she is just needed another baby. so jon gave in and well, you know the rest. they had 6 more. supposedly kate was obsessed with a group of septuplets born in the late '90s. obsessed with the coverage they got and their freebies (like diapers, food, etc...). did she know there was a high chance of having more than just twins? probably. crazy bitches always have plans bc their minds are always running. i know this bc i may be related to a crazy bitch or two.

kate loves estrangement - another example of kates greediness: remember aunt jodi? the red headed aunt of seasons 1 and 2. kates bro kevins wife. aunt jodi would watch gosselin kiddies along with like 5 of her own (ok maybe she only had like 2 or 3 but honestly, who can keep count with these ginormous pennsylvania fams). anyway, they like disappeared without explanation. heard the rumor last year and then kevin and jodi themselves confirmed it on radaronline.com. they were offered money from tlc for season 3 but contracts were halted bc of kate. kate only wanted gosselins to get paid. no one else. greedy bitch wouldnt even share the wealth with her own brother!!! obv shes estranged from her brother but rumblings say shes also estranged from her father whos a minister. when her father heard that kate was having sextuplets, he got lots of dontations for the 6 babies including cribs. when kate refused to take the cribs bc they didnt match each other, that was the last straw. even the minister was like, "you a crazy bitch."

clothing clueless to clotheshorse - there was an ep in one of the earlier seasons when kate admitted to a. not knowing how to dress or shop and b. not enjoying shopping and fashion. she had to have jon take her clothes shopping bc she was clueless. now the lady gets dressed up and i hear is addicted to fake tans (just like her public persona) and working out (although im sure her personal trainer has something to do with her workouts). during the shopping ep, kate said she hates wearing colors yet now you see her in bright pink sweaters. ugh. shes such a pwt cheesehead. dont get me started on the hair. that cut screams pwt just as much as a mouth full of cracked yellow teeth or a beer stained wifebeater.

complaints or avoidance - obv, last nights ep you could feel the tension between jon and kate. looks as though jon finally put his foot down (shouldve been up and in her ass) and said enoughs enough. he took the weekend off while kate prepared for the sextuplets bday party alone. boo hoo for kate. NOT. so jon showed up to the bday party later than the rest bc according to him, he had to pick up the cakes and kates cell phone. so he did. the scenes with the both of them at the party were painful. you can tell they were trying to avoid each other. kate did mention the cakes but of course it was a complaint ("why are there 2 cakes? we only need one.") since jon put his foot down, she probably knows better than to complain to him to his face so she says nothing to him. its like if she cant complain to him or berate him, she doesnt know how to talk to him. honestly jon, what the hell was appealing about kate? man, i need to send him jill r's number stat.

where is the love - im the type of person who cries whenever someone else cries on tv. extreme home makeover: forget it, im a mess. biggest loser: i always shed a tear or twenty. but when kate shed a tear (after saying shes doesnt wanna ruin her makeup) bc she knew that the fam pic they took at the party was probably the last one theyll ever take all together, my eyes were dry as a desert. sure it was sad and i wouldve felt bad for her too if she took any responsibility for the break down of her marriage but she didnt. just kept saying jon has changed. i think jon is the only normal one. he had honest intentions to do the show to get great documentaries of his kids lives and some free trips here and there knowing that the fam probably wouldnt be able to have these experiences without the show. but once the fame got to be too much, he wanted to pull the plug. lay low. let things simmer down before it got too crazy. but no, kate loves the attention, fame and money. she had to keep going. and now look, all their dirty laundry is hung out for all of us to read at the expense of her own marriage. and homegirl dont care. she just blames jon who tried to avoid this.

kates ch-ch-changes - she went from people shy mother of eight to book touring author. she even admitted to not liking the fans at first but now she embraces them (probably bc her dumb pwt ass realized its the fans that are paying her bills). her physical appearance is an obv change so im not even gonna go into that (plus you can pick up last weeks us weekly to see the details). from anal retentive to not really caring? maybe it was just for the kids bdays. but i was shocked to see them munching on candy after their trip to party city. kate used to not let me eat any sweets unless it was organic. still, like i mentioned before, im guessing its from guilt of not being there for the kids bc of her book tour. plus the affection she poured over the kids during their party seemed so forced. like it was just for show. you know, kinda fake like her tans.

divorce? duh! - so kate said that the divorce rate for parents of multiples is 3 times larger than regular fams. well i completely believe it. yes, have multiples can be stressful but look at the women who give birth to multiples: cuh-razy! need an example. how about the most digusting human on earth: octo-mom. she be batshit cuh-razy! i think it takes a certain type of person to think its ok to bring in and raise multiple kids at the same time. i think jon and kate had a good chance of having a good family but the fame really got to kates head. the fame and money just made her greedier. kate deals with it by telling herself shes doing this for the kids but isnt sanity worth a lot more than money itself?

so obv im team jon all the way but after speaking with jamie and reading jennies comments on fb, im trying to see team kates pov. i still think kate is a psycho hose beast. im still on team jon bc ive seen him get abused by kate season after season. is he lazy? a lil but honestly, what man isnt. plus, i think hes been picking up the slack while kate has been gone. one of my fave eps is when jon has the sextuplets bc kate is away. he takes the kids out into the woods in their yard. it was sweet and fun and just laid back. kate gave jon a hard time bc he didnt do things exactly the way she would do them but that doesnt mean the way jon handles things is wrong. maybe i feel for jon bc thats how im perceived by my own fam at times. i dont do things right away but i do get the things done, just at my own pace. i think their relationship was headed for the shitter bc it was always about the kids. they never took time to focus on their relationship: on jon and kate. i hope when i get married and have kids, i still have hubby and wifey time. you need to keep that spark alive bc without that spark, you cant keep the whole family warm.

cheeba free - the way to be?

2009-05-21T15:57:00.006-04:00

cuh-razy right. 31 days cheeba free. and it really wasnt that difficult. 31 days straight. sure the first attempt my man went like 25 days and i of course cheated and smoked a few times but these past 31 days we both went without any herb at all. not a puff, not even a sniff. i remember my days living in my parents house and going crazy when all my sources were dry as a desert. i felt like it was the end of the world. is this tree free-ness going to last forever? i dont know if i want it to last forever. my appetite has come back. boo. so my withdrawal diet has expired and now i really gotta get my ass in the gym. you know, the gym thats just an elevator ride away. i have no excuse. or maybe ill finally put those rollerblades i bought last year to use. the weather is getting nicer and the west side highway bike trail is literally across the street. ugh, exercise keeps calling me. the thing is, do i want to answer? my mind says yes, but my lazy ass says no. and you know how tough my lazy ass can be. well my bulging belly knows how powerful my lazy ass is. nyaaaaa.

the cool thing about not smoking is my bank account. i actually have money. woo hoo. however the money i am spending has been on groceries. i found out theres a farmers market in the south street seaport this year. open this summer on fridays and saturdays. luckily my office is closed tomorrow and monday for memorial day so i get to check it out on opening day. sadly, my mans parents canceled their annual memorial day party bc saturday is supposed to have nastastic weather. boo. i may not getting any sun this weekend but fresh food i will buy! even though im a lil upset about the canceled party im kinda stoked to spend the weekend at doto.

to spend an extra long weekend in the city is gonna be fun. all the annoying nyc-ers will be in fire island or the hamptons (no offense gormans) so the city will be less crowded. plus, with the market in the seaport, i get to buy fresh fruits, veggies and bread like a genuine foodie and cook up something delish. seriously, im loving cooking up meals. its like the funnest work and at the end you get to eat! and i totally got the cleaning while cooking thing down. makes the post meal clean up so much more bearable. well, it also helps that i have a spacious kitchen and a dishwasher. praise the man who created the dishwasher.

my new fave site is cooks.com. it just has recipes that people share and theyre simple ones too. im an amateur cook. im no chef. plus, i subscribe to goop. yes the gwyneth paltrow email newsletters. sure she seems like an egocentric cold bitch but homegirls got connections and shes sharing them with her subscribers. just this morning, her newsletter had 3 cool and simple recipes from her fave italian chef. if miss skinny thang can cook these up, then why cant i? and even though i think the withdrawal diet had a lot to do with my weight loss (i dont weigh myself bc the scale is "the debool!" im guessing it was like a 5-8 lb loss), im sure cooking and eating at home has contributed too. so even though im getting my appetite back, im gonna feed it with home-cooked meals. thats gotta slow down the weight coming back. well that and exercise. damn exercise. stop calling me. ill call you when i want to. (if i were aaron karo - and thank goodness im not - id end this with a "fuck me"). man hes a douche.

fam flippin summer

2009-05-18T18:27:00.003-04:00

i have a feeling this summer, the weekends will be fam filled. im guessing more weekends will be in jerz than li bc a. jerz has got the pool and b. ew, li sucks. but since making up with miss dee (yes we made up!), and seeing how happy it makes my parents to see all of their children under one roof, ill try to make more of an effort to get out there via lirr bc the lie is like the worst torture i can ever put my man through. his road rage + the lie = an explosion worse than chernobyl. i for one dont want to sit through that and will avoid it at all possible costs ($14 for 2 off peak tix, $28 round trip).

we spent mothers day in jerz. my mans parents and bro came to doto in the morn with bagels and then we trekked it back to jerz with them to spend the afternoon by the pool. alas i skipped the pool and headed straight to bed. damn bagel and lox. it tastes so good but knocks me right out. the last time i ate it, it sent me into a 4 hour coma. this time, my coma-like nap lasted a lil under 2 hours. whatevs. after my nap we headed down to my mans grandparents house for a cute lil dinner of jersey sloppy joes and my homemade cupcakes. yum and yum.

this past weekend we went out to li to celebrate a belated mothers day with the maj. did a lil shopping at target and the korean supermarket. man, maj was damn happy. perma-grin all day... well until the subject of le joins (the current f- up of the fam) phone bill came up. ugh. wont go into details but it had most of the fam yelling at each other. other than that, we had a delish bbq, walked to my old middle school and spent some time in the fields. good times were had.

already the next two weekends are planned out. and again, this weekend is jerz time for my mans parents annual memorial day start of the summer party. everyone whos invited looks forward to this event. must go to old navy to get a new bikini. sure the a-teams jappy daughters (hey man, i call em like i see em) will be in some name brand crap, with their tight flat bellys and big big boobies (why do the jewish girls get the skinny bods with big boobs?) while im chillin in my $12 a piece bikini ala old navy or target. whatever man. im there for the food... and random shot(s) of patron silver. ah, they know how to throw a party.

next weekend we're headed back out to li. my aunt from korea is coming to town. shes the majs youngest sister. the baby sister. i havent seen her in 15 years!!! more than half my life. im sure le join will give her the (fake) scoop about me and my man before we get to li. homegirl knows how to paint a picture and im sure her portrait of me aint gonna be pretty. she may have her verbal paint brushes but i got something else. i gots the truth. plus, im awesome. plus, i have a super tall and super adorable bf. what does le join got? just a lot of debt (OH!).

im actually excited to see my aunt and show off my fab bf and my fun life. i want her to come to doto and see our awesome apt. maybe even make dinner for her and my parents. seriously, im totally enjoying being all domestic. i totally need a cute apron to wear when i cook. my baking is ooc. yes baking with an actual oven although i do kinda miss the other kind of baking. i know we wont start any time soon, i mean its only been 28 days (whoa, 2 days til 30 and 17 til 45 days). now im deciding if and how i should start again. the hiatus has been so good to my wallet and waist. plus, its been kinda nice not having to worry about how the apt smells. ah. ill cross that bridge when i come to it.

hope everyones summer is looking to be fun. oh yeah, my company decided to take away our summer fridays this year. bastards! plus, my june and july at work is looking kinda cuh-razy. like possible coming into work on sundays cuh-razy. i dont care, im fitting in some pool time as much as i can. mama looks so good with a tan and considering we wont be going back to anguilla til january, i must get in some jersey sun. ah, and miss dees baby shower will probably be in august. i want that baby to come so i can play with her. i know, selfish aunt cass. whatevs, more like sane aunt cass who baby zoe can go to when shit gets cuh-razy at home. yeah, im awesome :)

official domestic partners

2009-05-01T14:00:00.003-04:00

i know. it takes my man and me forever to makes anything official but this doto move has been long overdue. and just like the road bumps we encountered before (mainly caused by le joins irresponsibility and selfish "booty blinded" bitchiness) of course move in day didnt go as smoothly as we would hope. here we go with the debacle filled days breakdown.

8:45am - wake up after a few (like less than 5) short hours of sleep. we packed til 3am, then showered and went to bed. do last minute stuff (pick up more boxes, bubble wrap and paper towels) to pack up last minute items (mostly toiletries from the bathroom, curtains, bedding) and clean so we dont leave the west village apt a dusty mess.
11:00am - time we had the movers scheduled to come. my man panics bc there is no sign of them.
11:05am - noon - irate phone calls to the moving company we hired. the dispatcher was a rude man who didnt speak english well and hung up on my man TWICE. doto has strict rules about move ins. no move ins can start after 2pm and must end before 5pm and oh yeah, must be within a 2 hour window. when the moving company said they would get a truck to us by 2pm, my mans responded back "UN-FUCKING-ACCEPTABLE" followed by more ranting. finally, someone who spoke better english came on the phone and said a truck would be here in 20 mins (this was at 11:40am)
noon - 12:25pm - my man waits outside while doing air punches and kicks out of frustration. we begin to carry some stuff down to the "lobby" of his apt to save some time when the movers get here. while my man was loudly getting pissed off, i was silently getting frustrated too.
12:25pm - movers finally arrive. they work quickly but i noticed they didnt wrap any of our furniture in blankets like most movers do. found it a bit alarming but i was so focused on getting to doto asap that i just let it pass.
1:35pm - the moving truck is packed up and we're ready to hop in a cab (my man had to carry his tv himself. wouldnt let the movers touch it). i gave the movers simple directions to my crib. w.vill - fidi. short trip... or you would think.
1:45pm - my man and i arrive at doto in record time, and record cost too (usual cab ride: $11 including tip. this cab ride: $9 including tip). where are the movers?
2:45pm - movers finally arrive at doto. what shouldve taken 10 mins took 1 hour. now the business card for the moving company said plus 1 hour of traveling time. didnt think they would actually take the entire hour to get here. ah yes, plus the driver could barely drive the truck and of course the freight elevator at doto had another apt moving in at the same time. if these fuckers were on time or even just took the directions i gave them instead of using their gps (which stupidly took them up, across, and then down bway) we couldve been ok. and my feelings about our non-wrapped furniture were vindicated when i saw the movers for the other apt bringing in furniture that was wrapped in blankets and on their own set of wheels. my movers wouldve taken twice as long if doto didnt have luggage carts. they kept saying how nice the building was. i wanted to be like, stop gawking and MOVE bitch! move my shit.
4:10pm - truck is empty and my apt is full. i rearranged the furniture myself while my man went down to take care of the bill.
5:50pm - took almost 2 hours to finally settle the bill. the movers said cash only and my man said no f-in way. hes paying with plastic. after 100 minutes of arguing, they finally accepted his card. customer is always right!
6:00pm - we finally eat (up since a quarter to nine and all we consumed was cold canned starbucks coffees.) well actually, we went down to the corner deli and picked up sandwiches. i went back up to the apt to eat while my man headed to his gre class and ate on the way.

ah, i know moving is one of the most stressful things a person goes through in life but this move had events that added more stress. assholes. the end result is so worth it. im still in shock and awe. i kinda still have that feeling of needing to go back to my mans. even when i first moved to doto, it never felt like home. and when i was there, i always felt rushed to go back to my mans. now, the doto apt is ours.

we unpacked last night. i did the fun stuff, books, dvds, games and he did his stuff. i started to put our toiletries away and it was fun to decide where to put my things and his. i left my clothes and the kitchen for today. its the first time i can place things as i please. especially the kitchen. when i first got to doto, le join took over the kitchen bc shes a "chef" and well, you know the rest. she took over everything else bc shes a selfish bitch. i really want to put some thought into organizing the kitchen since i plan i spending lots of time there.

a thought crossed my mind while we were unpacking. i never lived alone. it was a dream of mine since i dreamt about moving into the city. honestly, i think this is better than living alone. i still get to decorate however i want (and not have to pay all the bills on my own, hehe). the pics are one of my fave parts. yeah, i have great pics with my friends but ive always wanted to plaster walls of pics of me with my bf, and now i can (and i have).

the place finally looks like an apt instead of a dorm room. and even though its a studio, the furniture is set up so you get the feeling of 2 separate rooms even without a divider. i cant wait til all the boxes are unpacked. maybe we'll add a "third" room. im hoping to fit a dining table somehow so we can have guests over and host a proper dinner. ah, we managed to keep 2 tvs and 2 coffee tables too. woo hoo. guess what im most excited about? the mezuzah!

dinner = yes. drinks = NO!

2009-04-19T17:52:00.003-04:00

i hate bars. thats no secret. the only reasons why i went to them is bc my friends were there and i was single. yeah, single peeps need to go to bars but im not single anymore. woo hoo. and luckily i found a man whos as allergic to bars as i am. last night, last night was the last straw. i gave it a fair shot and what happened to me pretty much summed up why i loathe crowded bars.

so last night sha had her bday party in the les. now a rule with my man and i is everytime we need to go to the les a pastrami sammie at katzs must be eaten. i know. best rule. anyway, i was actually excited about going out last night. yes, the pastrami had a (major) part of my excitement but i was also psyched to see my girls. i knew jiller and the aim were definitely going. plus, the aim was going to the party with her bf. my bf is mr tall but i heard her bf is mr really really tall. plus, i wanted to meet the man that was making the aim a happy lady. the partys start time said 10:30 and even though we usually show up fashionably late, i opted to show up on time.

so i dragged my man out of the apt around 9:45pm. got to katzs and we were done with our delish sambo at 10:20. yes, that 35 minutes included waiting for and taking the subway all the way to the east side. man that pastrami. i can practically taste it now. anyway, so we took our time walking to the bar (made a pit stop to an atm on the way). got the bar at 10:40 and we were the first ones there. crazy. the jiller was stuck in traffic and the aim was finishing up her late dinner with her man. so my man and i said happy bday to sha and waited at the bar.

even though the place was crowded with what seemed like college kids, i told myself to behave and try and have a good time. i even did a shot with my man while we waited. since the bar area was getting crowded by the minute, we decided to walk to the back of the place where sha had tables reserved. i took maybe 5 steps when i felt a bang on my head and heard a glass crash. then i felt cold sticky liquid all over me. all over my denim jacket, all over my green shirt, soaked up fave bra, all over my black skirt, all over my black bag. yeah, a dumbfuck waitress banged her tray on my head which caused a drink to spill all over me before the glass crashing on the floor.

stunned, embarrassed, soaked, and pissed off, i shot the waitress the nastiest look i could muster out of my bitchface bank, and walked out of the bar. my bf followed and we hopped in a cab (and i HATE using cabs, especially when a subway is so close). i had to get home asap and get the sticky nastiness off of me. f-in ho. i hope that bitch gets fired. i hope she lost sleep for doing that to me. i hope that ruined her night as much as it did mine. not only did i leave the bar a sticky and prolly stinky mess, i left before even seeing my friends. the reason why i went to that f-in hell hole.

anyway, during my long hot shower, i made a decision. as much as i love my friends, im going to apply the same rule to them as i do to work functions. i will only go out if it is a sit down meal. meet for drinks? sorry, thats a no. why do people go to bars? they go to drink or to hope theyll meet someone to go home with. well, i dont like to drink (and trust me, i wish i could like drinking), and ive already got someone i actually love at home. so for future birthday celebrations, sure dinners may cost me more than a trip to a bar but my sanity is priceless. im not gonna force myself to go somewhere i know i would have a horrible time in.

i tried. i really tried last night. i would love to like drinking. i see people getting drunk and sometimes im envious of them. wow. wish i could be as silly happy as them. and then i realize there is something that makes me silly happy like that and well, its not something i can do in public (not in this country anyway). thats why im so lucky i got my fellow homebody bf. we be happy at home, togethers. we dont need no stinkin bars. so my dear friends, if your bday is coming up, lets go for meal. ill leave after dessert/before drinks :)

the west side

2009-04-14T11:53:00.006-04:00

and no. i dont mean 6th - 12th aves although if i heard "west side", i would think that too (or start busting out, "crazy! cool! keep it cool boy. real cool." nah. im thinking west side of the country. yes. the left coast. pch, usc, the oc, all that jazz. ive always wanted to live there. im not saying forever but i definitely want to try it out. and if it fits, then ill keep it. lots of pros about it but of course there are a few cons. since i havent done a list in a while, heres two!

pros:

yearlong tan - sure my bf's parents live in jerz and have yearlong tans but they also take bi-monthly trips to their sweet villa in anguilla, something i cant afford to do. ah, to be able to lay out in the sun and not have to pray to the sun gods for a nice day.
lush greens - and no, i aint talking about the landscaping. they prescribe the stuff there. its almost legal there. and its so damn tasty there. mmmmm, speaking of tasty...
carls jr! - ok fine, nyc really does have the best food ever. hello joes pizza! but cali. omg hands down the best fast food chains ever!!! tasty and cheap. you know thats my all time fave combo. plus watching sonic commercials kills me over here. over there, i can watch and then go grab a cheap tasty treat.
jobs for me, jobs for my man - for video games (which is the industry my man is going into) the west coast is the place to learn and get a job. plus, i luckily fell into a job thats available on any coast. i actually randomly checked out the jobs at facebook and whadya know, theyre based in cali and need ad ops peeps just like me. plus, the benefits there are ooc. they rival googles. me likies :)
the devil is far far far far far far away - although, who knows with that psycho bitch. she followed me into my apt building just when i thought i escaped her evil clenches but considering she already tried the left coast (and failed miserably btw. gets fired after just a few short months at a HUGE company who eventually blacklisted her dumb ass) she may not follow me to the sunny land where i (may possibly) belong.
left coast friends and fam - my mans got friends and fam there and i got my all time fave cousins out there too! itll be cool to see these peeps on a regular basis.

as we know, all good things usually have a not so good side either....
cons:

friends and fam - my friends are practically my fam (and most times treat me better). i LOVE my friends. some ive known for almost a decade and the others ive known for almost 2 decades. thats a shitload long ass time. when i make a friend, i try to keep him/her. plus, i would miss my fam (minus one expletive expletive expletive member) and my mans fam too. i geniunely enjoy spending time with them. itd be hard to live across the country but hey, thats what holidays are for and luckily, the jews got a LOT of holidays.
driving! - ugh. one of the reasons why i LOVE nyc is the mta. seriously, i hate driving. there is only 1 thing i miss about driving and that is the bust outs to my fave ballads (mariahs my all is my all time fave car bust out). other than that, ill take the subway over a car any day. it takes you anywhere in the city at any time of day. ugh. the thought of driving is giving my agita. i know my man is a great driver but man, road rage jiller aint got nothing on him (and i mean him on a good day). plus, cali's traffic is worse than nyc. oy, we're gonna need a savings account just for his bail money. jeepers creepers.
the beautiful people, the beautiful people - plastic, spray tanned, personal trainer'd, meal delivered people. not only are their looks annoying but once they open their mouths, you want to kill them even more. theyre either "dumber than a bag of hammers" (my mans quote) or talk movie industry crap FOREVER! oy, and if i have a speidi siting or if my man has a perez siting... well there goes our bail money.

so the sunny coast has been my light at the end of the tunnel these days. ive been kinda down lately and even had those deep dark thoughts that my man had to pull me out of. hes even gonna help me find a new jill r. its time to go back to therapy. although i have new exciting stuff ahead of me (hello! moving to doto in 2.5 weeks!), theres still stuff in my life that was stressing me out. im not so stressed out anymore but i definitely should still go see a therapist. you know youre messed up when you have an amazing person who loves you to pieces and you can still fall into those deep dark holes in your mind. no more falling for me.

dos anos

2009-04-10T11:34:00.004-04:00

two years. officially. titled for 2 years. ooc. its amazing to think how we started. it took 8 months to make our relationship official. to figure out what was between us worth a good ol solid shot. and to this day, its still the biggest and BEST risk ive ever taken. i put my heart out on the line and thankfully my man caught it and has treated it like GOLD. if i remember correctly, he dove right into relationship-ness as soon as we agreed to the titles. holding my hand whenever we stepped foot outside. and even though he "danced" around those 3 words, it wasnt too long until we said it to each other.

ive prided in the fact that i didnt follow any rules from day 1. i never waited 2 days to call him. and well, neither did he. but when it came to the whole "i love you" thing, i did follow that stupid rule - have him say it first. you know me, only 1 risk every 3 decades or so and i already used up the risk by sending the ultimatum email. shut up. i know what youre thinking. my risk was sending an email. but if you know me, you know that in itself is huge progress.

anyway, back to the 3 words. i wanted to be so cool when that moment finally came. i wanted to be like han solo and respond with an awesome, "i know" but of course i didnt. i think i squealed the "i know" and followed that with a "i love you too!!!!" and no. these words werent exchanged through an email. it was said in person. actually, 98% of our conversing is in person. we are always together.

we may only have 2 years in title-dom but if you calculate how much time we spend together vs the time other couples spend with each other, we probably got like twice as many hours on them... maybe even thrice (hehe. i just wanted to use the word "thrice"). i read an article a few weeks ago. it was a survey taken in the uk about long lasting marriages. they asked a bunch of questions to couples that have successful marriages. some interesting statistics came out of it like: kiss at least 4 times a day, say i love you at least once a day, have dinner together at least twice a week. of course as i read this article, i thought about my relationship and kept going: check, check, check.

i know. youre probably sick of my lovey dovey bragging. it hasnt always been sunshine and rainbows. weve had our fair share if crises: moving to bk, ceilings falling on our heads/bed, bed bugs, moving out of bk, deemian aka the crazy bitchass sister, the other sometimes bitchass sister, family cultural differences aka the korean nation, job loss, finances (or lack of), and our current "problem" - withdrawal. i put the word problem in quotation marks bc it isnt really a problem. more like a nuisance. weve gotten on each others nerves these past few weeks bc well, both our minds have been in overdrive and our tempers have been shorter than a oompa loompa.

its strange. i kinda get happy when we bug each other. it reminds me that we're normal. plus it tests our relationships strength. we're pretty damn strong. it still cracks me up to think how nervous i was to broach the relationship topic with my man and now, now we talk about the future. we go to weddings and say how we would do things differently (omg, are we starting to sound like the gormans?). we talk about how we would raise our kids and obv how gorgeous theyll be. we talk about moving out west and living a fun sunny life together. and if our careers would go bust, we got a few million dollar ideas we could try too.

i just love the fact that 2 years later, when i think about my man, a HUGE grin still creeps up on my face. plus, i still enjoy doing the simplest things with him. walking the streets of nyc. i love it. its absolutely my all time fave thing ever! i love just walking around with him. sometimes i wish there was papparazzi to take a pic of us. it would be such a damn adorable pic.

in a few short weeks we'll be embarking on another milestone. the official living together. i know. it takes us a while to make things official. but like this relationship, i know its totally worth the wait. my bf rocks! we rock... together (2 years and counting)!

trembling

2009-03-31T17:26:00.006-04:00

i try to live a calm life. i try to be zen as much as possible. i mind my own business and just go about my day. but lately, lately ive been angry. so angry that my whole body trembles. i get the shakes bc my body has never had to deal with this much hostility. its def not used to the anger (or lack of the usual "dealing with the crazy fam" remedy - withdrawal day 7!). whenever i would get verbally abused by my fam (which would be daily) i would deal with it my clouding my mind. before i discovered the wonderful clouds, i would deal with it by getting upset. id actually listen and believe what those crazy bitches said about me. im worthless. im stupid. im a bitch. well thank goodness i found my brain (and my backbone).

so im pissed at the bitch whose abuse drove me to 2 years of therapy (and i probably need more too): dee. shes a dumb bitch who should keep her mouth shut and her nose out of other peoples business. she criticized the way ive been handling the sitch with le join (read the post below if you dont know what im talking about). i know, i know. the trips down to doto arent exactly back-breaking but an extra place to stop by after a full day of work isnt exactly a cakewalk either. im tired (and this withOUT youknowwhat).

i actually had the day off yesterday (monday). had a drs appt on li and then spent the rest of the day with my parents. the faj dropped me off at the 7 train after a quick visit to my grandma. so i finally got back into the city around the same time i wouldve gotten home from work. then i got a call from le join. she just got off of work too. i knew she was exhausted. since she got a second job, shes been working 7 days a week. i used to work 6 days a week (remember my sundays helping out maj and faj) so i feel her pain. still, i gotta be a p.o. stick to my guns and my rules.

the night before (sunday) i stopped by and the place was a mess. thats a broken rule. apt must be clean. but i let it slide. i gave her til tomorrow (monday) to have the apt clean. i couldve just kicked her to the curb (which was part of the agreement). so when le join called me to let me know she just got off from work, she also mentioned the apt was only half clean. so i said well i wont go straight to you right now, ill chill with my man and come down later. have the apt cleaned by then. i thought that was fair. and honestly, if the place was still a mess but i saw an effort when i got there, i wouldve let it slide again.

well, i never made it down to doto as expected. no, i got interrupted by a text message from miss dee. and this is the text message verbatim:
I know you have jo on lock down but she's crying here. She just got off of work. Maybe u should slow it down with drill sgt. She says she will clean.

not wanting to go the same route my fam goes down every time they want to talk to someone (which is going to everyone but the person they have a prob with) i went straight to the source. i called le join. was she crying? no. did she sound upset? no. did we have a civil call? i think so. but then hitler herself had to get on the phone to YELL at me. "DONT YOU THINK YOURE BEING A BITCH TO BOTH JO AND ME?" i responded with i might be being a bitch to you but i dont think i was to jo. too bad i dont know if she even heard my response bc she hung up. thats typical. that cuntrag always has to have the last word. and yes, i used the c-word. bc well, she really is one.

honestly, that bitchout was the last straw. i was feeling exhausted and almost wanted to nap right before i got that text message. so after being yelled a BITCH, i couldnt handle it anymore. and i cried. ok, thats an understatement. i BAWLED. big tears, lost breath, body shakes, the whole nine. a suicidal line even slipped out of my mouth. i just wanted to give up. i felt betrayed by le join (was she crying and then playing it off when i called?*) and i wanted to wring dees neck. i truly believe every single word that comes out of that whores mouth is projection. a bitch? me? does she think shes looking in the mirror when she sees me bc thats the only way she can call me that. f-in ho.

of course my man was beside me the entire time. and it killed him. bc as soon as i got off the phone, he put his jacket on to go down to doto and bitch the crap outta my sister (actually, he wanted to "burn her house down" - the quotes are there bc thats exactly what he said). but i didnt let him. my parents are kinda strange about that. my man sticking up for me against my sisters. he did that once before and my parents lectured me saying in sitches like that, my man shouldve stuck up for my sisters and told me to be nicer. what?!?! my man needs to learn how to say "devil" in korean so he can correctly explain what we're dealing with.

anyway, after the tears dried up (which was about an hour later) my man knocked some sense into me. i let it sink in. and i think it worked bc this morning, i woke up empowered. ready to kick some ass and take some names (even though i know it already: deemian). even though i felt right and powerful, im still trembling. not sure why. is it the overburst of emotions? or withdrawal? or lack of food... from the lack of appetite (from the withdrawal - best diet!) of course. im not my sister. i dont have or ever had an eating disorder. anyhoo, going down to doto tonight. ill be civil to le join. if i see dee, i dont know how ill be. preggers or not, she would be a nosy bitch no matter what. she cant use that baby as an excuse. that poor kid. hostility is probably already seeping into him/her.

*spoke to le join - she had no idea what the fuck that conniving cunt was doing. dee came upstairs while le join was cleaning the apt and saw le joins tired face. then that evil wench sent me that scathing text message while telling le join all she wrote to me was "shes tired. be easy on her." after dee yelled at me, she left the apt and le join was standing there astonished at what just happened. she told me she cried bc she knew what dee did probably hurt me which was the last thing she wanted to happen since she herself has been working her ass off to make up for the big boo boo that has already caused me distress.

backstory: i asked that dumb ho last week to not use wee wee pads when she drops off her 3 year old dog at my apt since i would like it to not smell like urine when my man and i move in in 5 weeks. (yes he still uses wee wee pads bc that lazy piece of shit doesnt walk him.) then she asked me to drive in my car but when i told her i wasnt going to bend over backwards so she can fuck me in the ass... i mean park the car in the city (which is pretty much the same as anal rape), she was not the happiest biatch and i ended up not bringing it in. that stupid ho was looking for any excuse to bitch at me, even if it meant using jo as the bait which she probably was happy about too. that thing is pure evil. she.is.evil. el diablo.

tough love is... tough

2009-03-27T11:42:00.007-04:00

i love the quote "success is like farts, only your own smell good" but honestly, if youre successful but the ones around you arent, its hard to be all, "party time. excellent." its kind of how i feel about my life right now. me, myself, im doing awesome. not only do i have a kickass bf but our relationship is pretty f-in stellar too, i have a job that i actually enjoy going to, and i have a condo that im about to move into with my awesome bf. whats to complain about, right?

although my life is on track, the people around me either get shit on or shit on me. yes. shit.on.me. so dee, my older sis, got laid off in january. losing a job sucks. losing a job while preggers, that sucks more. im not worried about her too much though. dee may be a LOT of things, fortunately some of those things include being a mover and a shaker. in these disgusting economic times, i know she'll find work, even if she has to threaten someone to get it (which may be how it gets done).

so yeah, dees sitch is sad but it doesnt affect me. there are 2 people though, that do affect my life. my bf is obv 1 of those people but ill get to explaining his sitch after i vent about the 1st person: le join. obv, le join and i havent had the greatest relationship since living in the city. if you dont know what im talking about, you can read this, this, and this to refresh your memory. there are actually a LOT more of those but im too lazy to look for them right now. so le join has treated me like crap and i took it bc shes my sister and im always the bigger person. plus, whenever i would try to get help from my parents, they would ALWAYS pull out the pity card for her. she has nothing, help her. well, le join got herself into a sitch that even my parents cant help her out of. why does this affect me? bc its actually my name and my credit that she f-ed big time. the faj was so furious he was (and still is) looking for ways to put le join in jail. jail. kept asking my bro-in-law if they can throw her in the slammer for 6 months. yeah, and the faj is the nice parent. crazy.

so what did our lil chef with the big 'tude do? she decided to just forget the maintenance bills for oh, 3 months. yes the maintenance bills that are under my name bc it is my apt. yes the apt that i do not live in. the apt that i pay a mortgage for every month while she gets to live in in a luxe building for under $1000 a month. that ungrateful ho decided to shit in my face by neglecting the bills and spending her money on booze and ciggies. while i spend almost 3 times as much as she does a month and dont even get to reap the benefits. yeah so i feel awesome bathing in her shit. fan-flippin-tastic!

so i found out this lovely news about 2 weeks ago, on a wednesday night (i actually started to write this blog last week but ive either been too busy or too heated to finish). dee and bri got some crazy late fee on their maintenance bill so they asked le join if she had the same prob. le join kinda blew off that question and if you know miss dionne, if she doesnt get a straight answer from you, she'll go and get the damn answer herself. which is what she did. she went up to the apt and opened the bill. thats when she discovered the way past due date and way way way large charges. oh, a fuming i was. even joe e tata couldnt calm me down. my whole body was trembling. that f-in bitchass selfish dumb ungrateful irresponsible two-faced cuntrag piece of shit! she got the f-in golden treatment from me and this is how she treats me back. bitch.is.dead.

so the next night dee and i had dinner together with a friend and then went back to do to... with le join in the complete dark bc if she didnt open the bills for the past 3 months she def did not open the current bill. after dinner, dee and i headed down to talk to le join (aka rip her a new and very deserved asshole). i said even though she shit in my face i still dont want to gang up on her so i had dee talk first, and then leave so i could have my words with jo alone. so dee talked to le join (had to vent about her cruel cruel neglect on gio... the nerve!) and then she left. then i let le join explain herself before giving her the ground rules.

le join said she knows what she did was wrong but she felt like she had to rebel bc she lived in the city but never really lived in the city. so i said, well youre gonna pay for this bill and i dont care if you have to suck cock on 42nd st to do it. like i said, i was fuming. i gave her til the 31st to pay it and left.

the next night (friday) less than 24 hours i had my talk with le join, i get a text from dee: shes out already. the cuntrag is OUT?!?! i just finished wiping her shit off my face and then she does it again?!?! if i were a cartoon character, straight up steam wouldve been coming outta my ears followed by my entire head blowing off. is.she.SERIOUS?!?! not that i was gonna go out that night anyway, i planned on going to bed early, waking up early and going down to do to to catch that dumb ho in bed with her new boy toy. oh i was heated and i was a planning a f-in beatdown!

since i went to bed early, i woke up around 4am to find a text from le join herself at 1:15 am telling me her boy toy is sleeping over. she really is a complete moron. not only did she do something so wrong, the timing was so so so bad and she f-in gives me proof and admits that she went out. the only good thing was, i didnt have to go down to do to early. bitch already proved that she was out. moron.

so i got out of bed sat morning and to plan my vicious kick out. yes. kicking the bitch out! if her boy was still there, i was gonna be civil and tell him to leave. then i was gonna grab that ho by the hair, maybe let her brush her teeth, go to the bank and make her take out money to give me, then walk to the subway and demand for her keys. then i was gonna say, "good luck getting into a homeless shelter with your precious louis vuitton (which was supposed to be mine btw)" and just walk down to the subway.

obv, since i kept using the word "was" thats not how things went down. so i get to the apt and homegirl is alone in bed. so there was no boy i needed to kick out. but le join was still sleeping and i came to the apt around 1pm. so i went into her bag and took her keys. already, my plan was a changing. then i got the ridiculous bill and took another look at it. the amount we thought she owed was just the overdue balance. i scrolled my eyes down to the very bottom and the actual total that is due is way more than the overdue balance. girl is not just f-ed but shes doubly f-ed. after seeing the new grand total, i re-thought kicking her out. yeah, that dumb ho needs to learn a lesson but this bill also needs to get paid. i know its gonna be difficult for her to pay it as it is, it would be impossible to pay it off if she was homeless.

so i let her stay but put her on lockdown. the lovely apt she so ungratefully lived in for the past 3 years is now her jail cell. see, faj did get what he wanted. i have her atm card (and pin) and will have it until the entire debt is paid off. she will get a visit from me everyday but it will be a different time each day. i may stop by alone, i may be with my man or i might just bring a whole posse. the apt has to be spotless every time i stop by. if she is not in the apt when i get there she has a 20 min window to get there. oh and my fave last minute addition is the boy toy is not allowed in the apt. hes a scumbag who forgot to mention he has a gf back at home.

even though le join has shit in my face time and time again i still cant bear to see her all alone. the entire fam is anti-le join. so yeah, i got affected the most from her ridiculously stupid actions yet i have the most sympathy for her. its actually kinda hard for me to be so tough on her but ive realized that my support all these years has actually hurt her bc shes become a ridiculously stupid moron from it.

its been 2 weeks since this fiasco started and le join has been following the rules. obv that is some improvement from her part but she still has a lot of growing up to do - its like she expects a freakin gold star for saying no when people ask her to go out for drinks. wow, what an accomplishment. she said no. if she thinks thats tough, homegirl is in for a rude awakening, its called life.

i just hate that i have to be the parent. so where have my parents been. only after i pleaded with them to go see her in person and talk to her they finally made it down to do to and saw her. that was this past monday. after a full week of this crap. i mean, come ON! its so obvious to everyone else. this boo boo she made was a LOUD cry for help or attention from my parents. she even said it out loud to me: i hear what youre saying and it makes sense but i need to hear that from mom and dad. doesnt that make you wanna cry. i teared up a lil just typing it.

anyway, enough about le join, now onto my man - the bf. it was tough for me to be tough on le join, how do i bring on the tough love to my man, my love, my bf. you know my life mantra, treat others the way you want to be treated. so i put myself in my mans sitch and treated him the way i would want to be. what would i want if i was unemployed? unconditional love and support. which is exactly what ive been giving him. oh and my patience too. and honestly, it wasnt hard to do that at all. it was pretty effortless.

im a big daydreamer. always was and still am. ive been daydreaming about moving back to do to with my man for quite some time. and well, with my sister being preggers and it feels like everyone is popping out a baby this year, my mind couldnt help itself and daydream about the future. having kiddies with my man. yet theres a big gaping hole in my dream. what does my man do? how are we affording living this beautiful life with our gorgeous children (yes i said gorgeous bc you know our genes mixed together is gonna be whoa!). seriously, this daydream looks more like a bad commercial for credit card debt (minus the bad pirate outfit and cheesy yet unbelievable catchy tune).

as tough and strong as my man is, hes just as fra-gi-le. i couldnt even talk to him about his sitch for a while and had to resort to email (i know. again?!) to get all my feelings and thoughts out to him. that was a few weeks ago. we now actually talk and hes finally doing something. but its a struggle everyday. not between us (dont get the wrong idea). but i know its a struggle for him everday. to face his sitch and to deal with it. i try to help out by giving him agendas for the day or even just a few tasks to tackle. hopefully something will be intact (whether its school or work) by the time we move to do to... which is about a month from now.

im praying things will be sunnier in a month. my man and i already planned the layout of the new and improved do to. and yes, we will have a housewarming party. i never had one when i lived with jo. and i told jo exactly why we never had one, bc the apt never felt like mine. she treated me like crap and took over the apt. thats why im doubly excited about moving back in. bc i get to do whatever i... er i mean we want to do . me and my man. and we figured out a way to have 2 tvs! yes!!! i finally get to watch my real housewives or gossip girl without any obnoxious eye rolls or rude grunts and he gets to be a vidiot without any time restrictions.

the future is bright, although the road leading to it may be a bit bumpy. i got my seatbelt on, im ready to roll!

im exception-al

2009-03-02T18:12:00.006-05:00

so le join turned 25 last month. and even though weve been living in the city since 2006, le join finally started to enjoy the city life this year. 2009. yeah, of course she waits til the last 4 months of do to time for her... come may 1st, the glorified dorm room will turn into a glorious studio for a very adorable domestic couple ;) so this weekend, my lil sis got some much needed booty. and who did she call for advice? me. since the booty didnt come from a boyfriend, le join needed some 101 on 20-something nyc dating aka the booty call era.

i got the usual questions: does he like me? does he not like me? is he into me? oh and a new one: is he into me enough? doesnt the last question kinda negate the entire book? the whole books point was pretty black and white. hes into you. hes not into you. not, hes into you 45%. rehashing her tale reminded me of my own tale and i realized im that girl. the girl that your cousins friends sister knows. you know, the girl that everybody (or the book) says doesnt exist.

my man was actually with me and le join when we were talking about the beginning of my relationship with my man and the whole into you-ness. ha. i turned to him and said, "you werent that into me" and he replied (like such a man) he wasnt into commitment. and when you find that exact answer in the book, youll see that our relationship would never be.

and that is why i think my relationship with my man is awesome. its like a miracle! ha. i think it works so well bc we NEVER followed any rules or played any games. we called each other when we wanted to and never waited a day or 3 to hang out. i think its lasted this long bc we were and are always ourselves. we are exception-al!

either that or im a genius and should write a book of my own - how to grow on a commitment-phobe like a fungus (slowly and "un"-expectedly).
the male version of that book - how to get your dream girl - is yet to be written by mike.

special mention: snow day edition
rich: mother nature ruined my plans!
me: bro, i think youre the only student (and teacher) thats pissed about a snow day.

go go gosselin!

2009-02-11T12:19:00.005-05:00

ah jon and kate plus 8. its one of my fave shows. i can watch it all day long. its not just the adorable children (minus mady) but i love watching jon and kate banter. sometimes i wanna throw sharp objects at kate, but most of the time i just think, praise jon. he is a saint. sound familiar? its exactly how my man talks about bri, dees hubby. and yes, kate reminds me of dee so much that i think this is what would happen if they had 8 kids (or just 1). so i claimed collin my fave last night after watching this weeks ep. my fave changes from time to time so i figured id blog about why i love or hate each person. i havent done a post with pics in a while so here goes:

jon - hes a good dude. he puts up with his ocd neurotic wife and helps raise 8 kids. hes mellow (well as mellow as someone with 8 kids can be) but he puts his foot down when he has to. hes definitely the fave parent. not just my fave but i have a feeling a fave of some of the kids too. i love that he bonds with cara and doesnt put up with madys crap. yeah jon!

kate - i want to like her. i do. but i cant. she just represents all the bad traits that dee has(d). she berated jon bc he didnt use a coupon. she yells at him in public (and i dont mean in front of the camera which im sure is embarrassing enough for jon as it is). i dont think she appreciates the help jon gives her. she always wants more but never asks for it. instead, she stands and complains about the help she doesnt get. doesnt this woman know, hints dont mean jack to men. you gotta ask straight up or youll be in disappointment city forever.

mady - or kate 2.0. this girl has some serious 'tude and well, whenever i see her onscreen i wanna grab her by the neck, take a long walk to a faraway room, and smack the bitch outta her. always has to be center of attention and always has to be the ruler. ive never seen a twin so selfish. arent twins supposed to be like bff? mady always tries to push cara out of the way. you know the saying "evil twin"? yeah, i think if you look it up in the dictionary, youll see madys face in the definition. i really hope when mady sees herself being a complete b.i. on tv she'll realize how horrible she is and change her ways. i aint holding my breath on that one.

cara - sweet cara. i fear her sweetness will melt away from madys constant bitchiness. caras already shown a very moody side to her. i see a lot of myself in cara. its funny, bc i see some of dee in mady. can you believe i used to be a sweet happy girl... with a high pitched voice?! well by the time i reached middle school, my voice dropped 8 octaves (how fem, right?) and my 'tude went from bright and sunny to dark and moody. stay sweet cara. leave the bitchiness to mady.

aaden - the little professor of the clan. i think hes more like a lil asian harry potter. aaden loves animals. i love when lil kids find something they really like and just want to learn more about it. aaden is the middle boy when it comes to 'tude and toughness. collin is like the uber-guy and joel is like the uber-whiner. aaden can be adventurous (walking on packed boxes during the move) but can whine when he wants to too.

alexis - alexis loves alligators. she also likes to scream, really really LOUD. when shes happy, when shes sad, when shes mad (i. want. a. ba. gel!). alexis is definitely the crazy one, not just outta the girls but everyone! shes talkative but doesnt have her pronouns straight yet hence my talking like a lil kid when i watch the show. (them alligator is big. him look at me.) oh yeah, and alexis is also the "non-asian" one in the family. man do i love those kids.

collin - my current fave. collin and cara (my fave twin) are close bc theyre "c" buddies. i could be a "c" buddy too. i see collin as a future jock with a heart of gold. he cried when leah killed a spider he was watching on their trampoline. he also pulled the other kids around in a wagon that was attached to the back of his big wheels. he loves collecting things and putting items that are the same in groups. he helped joel figure out the blue shoe mystery. smart kid with a big heart. whats not to love?

hannah - mommys little helper. hopefully she wont turn into mommy. her mommy anyway. hannah helps fold laundry, clean up, and hates getting her hair cut. hannah has really grown into her looks. she would be my fave except she has way too big a chance to turn into kate, although shes not as spicy - in a bad way - as mady is so i guess theres hope for this one.

joel - one of the sound guys faves. hes quirky, cute, and a bit fem. hes a crier but when he talks he says certain words with a cute lil accent. any word that ends in "er" sounds like "air". very adorable. wouldnt surprise me if hes gay but if not, i totally see him working in a fem industry like fashion... and pulling major tail. he'll grow up to be that sensitive type that girls fall for.

leah - the little one who wants to be little forever. leah and hannah have a special bond. when leah went skiing with jon, cara, joel and collin, she cried "i want my hannah" on the bunny slopes. when shes not crying, shes plotting and using her adorable lil looks to get what she wants. jon says shes the mastermind of the 6. i believe she has a dark side to her. her reaction when collin cried after she killed his spider: a big ol smile followed by "i killed the spider" (chuckle, chuckle). shes gonna be a heartbreaker and love every second of it.

when i first started watching this show, i was like, im never gonna be able to tell these kids apart. now i have favorites. ive realized im growing up and its so weird. just a few short years ago, lil kids annoyed the crap outta me and the thought of being pregnant scared the crap outta me (ok, maybe the latter still applies to me a lil). now, i catch myself staring at lil babies and kids on the subway. ah bob dylan was right. times, they are a changin.

complaint center

2009-01-21T12:33:00.009-05:00

so im not a huge phone person. maybe its bc of the same reason im not a people person. i hate bs. hate small talk. so when i do pick up the phone, its usually for a purpose. where are we meeting? when are we meeting? what are we gonna eat? you know, the important stuff. there are only a handful of people i call and not even daily. its not bc i dont care about them. i think a part of it is bc i dont have any true privacy when it comes to phone calls. honestly, and i have 2 phone numbers!

my work phone is in no way private bc i sit in a cube. and its not even a full cube with what do you call 'em, oh yeah, walls. nah. its more like a pod. an "open" area with 4 desks, all of our backs facing each other. i do have 1 wall but its paper thin. ok fine, between paper and curtain thin but thin nonetheless. and on the other side of my thin wall is another pod. so yeah, when i get on the phone, people can hear... and mock. and even though i can prob be on the phone doing the parking chant for hours, i tend to cut it short. i cant have my pod-mates chanting "spot spot spot" all afternoon. they already do the "hi babe" and even call my man "babe" when he comes to visit me.

my other phone is my cell phone. so obv i can go anywhere to use it. now where is my private place? exactly. i dont have one. the do to or west vill, i dont have a private room of my own. sure ill go into the bathroom to talk on the phone if my man is on xbox live but really. i have to resort to a toilet for some me-time? the thing is, even when we move to do to, its a studio apt. ill probably still be sitting on the toilet when i need to take a phone call (as douchebag extraordinaire aaron karo would say, fuck me). not like i have all these secrets i need to discuss but im a self conscious and private person. i dont need everybody knowing my business.

my issue isnt about privacy (i know, hard to tell though from my 3 paragraph rant). my issue is about the content of my phone calls. me. im a get to the point kinda girl. i guess i use the phone like a man. unless im truly bored or genuinely do want to catch up, its like ask me your question and lets say goodbye already. usually though, when i get calls from a fam member, there isnt a point to the convo just a rant. ive seriously considered stamping "complaint center" on my forehead since thats what im basically used for. whats even more frustrating? when i try to give some advice and the person just brushes it aside and continues to complain. thats when i spurt out any, any excuse to get OFF the phone. um, i think i hear, uh.... something, i gotta go. click.

even though i get annoyed at times, listening to complaints doesnt exactly put me in the best mood, i have to sit back and wonder why these people call me. then the annoying feeling goes away. people call me bc they respect me and know im an awesome person. either that or im just the only person who picks up their calls. nyaaaa.

2008 - was it that great?

2008-12-27T18:17:00.008-05:00

so i started out this post with a recap of each month. i only finished up february and then took a break. about a 3 week break. so, here i am sitting in paradise and ive decided to ditch and delete the monthly recaps and just talk about this year in a longass paragraph. so 2008 - was it really that great? it was definitely the year of weddings. i watched 2 good friends, 1 really close friend, and my sister all get married. this year marked the first time i was in a wedding party (bridesmaid for jamie, moh for dee). so from this year alone, i think i just about graduated from wedding university. ive learned dj'd weddings are way more fun than ones with bands. i also know that when its my time, i definitely do NOT want a poofy bottom dress that needs to be bustled bc that just takes time away from the party. ah, lets not forget the dancing skills my man and i have honed throughout the year. i always knew my man can move and please, this mama was a gymnast and a cheerleader so you know ive got rhythm, but i never wouldve thought that our dancing together would be so great that people actually thought it was choreographed and rehearsed (ala ross and monica at dick clarks nye taping). yeah, my man and i are such hams ;) we may start our own business and have people hire us to dance and entertain the crowd at their weddings ala johnny and penny (minus the getting knocked up by scumbag robbie). this year also gave me a big education on love too. my man and i are still great and close but we are not in the honeymoon period anymore. i find myself getting more annoyed and pissy but i find that a good thing. my true (not blinded by love goggles) feelings have been seeping out and the way my man reacts to them surprises and delights me. i cant believe i have someone in my life who always wants to make me happy. even when im being a complete bitch to him. its made me actually look at myself and how i act when im moody. its forced me to communicate how im feeling instead of just sitting and stewing in it (and being a complete biatch). i love my man and i know he loves me too. do you know who else has started to "love" or at least really like my man? my fam. my parents adore and care about him and my sisters have even come around. le join has been cool with him since hes helped her out with gio but dee, i never wouldve thought dee would wave the truce flag but she has. how long that will last, no one knows but at least its peaceful now. my bro is like the swiss. neutral. or maybe hes just being a typical bro. as great as 2008 was, there are always some downsides too. i usually have no idea what the news is talking about when they talk economy but this year its affected everyone! my parents actually CLOSED their dress store. even though i dreaded taking the e train to the very last stop in jamaica to deal with rude and racist customers on the weekends, it was still sad when i worked at joannas on my very last sunday. its strange to never have to go to jamaica ave anymore. its strange to have my parents home ALL the time. it took some time for me to realize that i dont have to wait til the store closes to make dinner plans with them. any time of day, any day of the week, i can call or meet them. who else got affected by the ridiculous rising unemployment rate? my man. i can still remember that monday afternoon, getting that call in my cube at around 5pm. my man casually saying, im out... for good. i thought it was a joke at first. but after a long pause that wasnt followed by a "just kidding" i knew my man wasnt joking. for some reason, i didnt panic. i just figured weve been through tough times before, we'll just get through this too. speaking of tough times, (and i will only mention this briefly), bed bugs. yikes and yikes. although i enjoyed being a pseudo-hipster in billyburg, all i can say is, NO MORE L TRAIN! if there really is a hell, i bet it looks a lot like the l-train between 8:30am- 10am and 5:30 - 8pm. its total gokillyourself.com. i know im not a talkative person but if theres any subject thatll shut me up like a clam its politics. i swear the best meal ive ever had was for my mans bday at peter lugers. it was just me, my man, his bro cory and corys gf at the time. all blabbing about the upcoming election. me, i be taking more and more pieces of steak while they were yapping. by the time there was a break in their convo, half the plate was gone. hehe. so yeah, politics, i dont have much to say but no one can deny that this year was a historic year. OBAMA! and yes i voted. ive voted in every presidential election since '98. this year, my guy actually won. im hoping with b-o in office, 2009 will produce lots of jobs... and a kickin inauguration party. hello beyonce! speaking of pop culture, britney! love love love the circus album (thanks ad for the early download!). shes getting fit and fab but also sad. i watched her documentary. she be like maya angelou - the caged bird sings... not that well but hey she was better known for her hot bod and dancing. not sure if her hair has finally grown back but you know homegirl was always sporting the fake stuff anyway. what else has 2008 brought me? the joy of watching the gosselins. a. the kids are absolutely adorable and entertaining (i wanna babysit them minus mady the biggest bitch ever) and b. jon and kate are bri and di. seriously, its like watching my frantic ocd sister and her calm laid back husband. oh yeah, and the unthinkable happened and the tail end of this year. my man joined crack - i mean - facebook. so now i dont feel as guilty talking about him on the 'net bc hes on it now. whats ahead for 2009? moving back to the do to in may. this time with my man and just 1 bed so the studio will actually look like a studio apt instead of a glorified dorm room. im hoping to have lots of dinner parties there (if people are willing to trek it to fi-di) and possibly become an aunt (go bri and di!). i hope my man finds something he loves to do... besides me of course ;) or just a job that makes him happy. i hope le join finally gets the title she wants and deserves (sous chef le join!) and that the aim finds a man that is good enough for her bc she deserves someone that will treat her right and keep her ridiculously happy... in nyc :) i think everyone else in my life is on a good path. jiller and tom, g-star and chris are in domestic partnership bliss (even if it is in queens, jk). the gormans are chillin (oh yeah, hope you guys sell your apt sooner rather than later) and ad always manages to get back on his feet (in fab shoes too). lets put 2008 behind us and: be divine and fine in 2009!

blog before bacon

2008-12-23T13:00:00.004-05:00

im ooo til mid jan :) i know. im a lucky ho. and my ooo-ness is legit. fo sho. my office is closed from xmas eve til new years and i took a few extra vacay days. paid vacay days. ah. i feel like a schoolteacher on summer break. and it will feel like summer to me on 1/4. anguilla - tequila - anguilla :) me gets to goes agains! talk about light at the end of a very cold and icy tunnel. bright, warm, "get me so tans" sunlight... with lobster, steak, and uncle ernies hot dogs too :)

yeah. so ive realized i talk like a gosselin kid. ive reverse-aged by 24 years. no im not benjamin button. its just a result of this frigid weather (it really does feel like 9 degrees), my lovely days off, and catching any ep of jon and kate i can. i love those kids. except mady. she be a bitch. she be mega moody. she be kate.

ah but seriously. i actually said these two lines the other night as i sleep-walked the 8 steps from the couch to the bed - me be ti li. me go night night.

i need serious motivation to do anything when the weather is this bad. who wants to go anywhere when you have to concentrate so hard on simple things like walking bc the dry sidewalk-ice block ratio is 5:95. youre better off leaving the apt with a pair of ice skates. and who could forget the temp. bejesus. its just not nice. not nice at all.

anyway, i was talking about motivation. i actually did leave the apt yesterday. and for the best reason ever. to meet my bro for lunch. love that kid. and hes a budding superstar too. are you not a fan of his yet? ridiculous. back to my lunch with the brosef. it was pretty awesome. had some good sibling bonding talk over a nice meal. it was worth bundling up like the kid from a christmas story and taking 2 trains. actually i encountered a double mta omen - both the l and e trains were on the platform as i was carefully rushing down the stairs.

of course when i returned back to the apt, the bf and i did not venture back outside. i even took a 2 hour nap on the couch. i did manage to make some rice krispie treats which i then devoured 3/4 of. awesome. ok, ill consider yesterday a big hibernating bear day. but today. today we will leave la apartamento. i even mentally prepared myself last night for today. oh yeah. i prepped so well that i was crazy single minded this morning.

what was la motivacion? bacon. extra crispy wake n bake n bacon. mmmmmmmmmmmm. but i blogged before bacon. i figured during my time off, ill try to do a live blog. blog whatever motivating thought comes to mind. especially since i have my fun 3g phone :)

so lets try this new live "while im ooo" blog thing. text any special mentions my way. gracias :)

bacon. bacon. bacon. me gonna eats bacons nows =p

friendly reminder

2008-12-09T20:56:00.003-05:00

beni dinner = yummy food :)
but smelly clothes :(

dress wisely buddies. cant wait for our holi/beniday!

you know its brick* out when...

2008-12-08T11:16:00.004-05:00

*brick = really f-in cold

i know ive been superbad about this blog. the first time i ever missed an entire month of blogging. obv nothing too exciting happened in november 2008 (besides my first jewish thanksgiving. so yum!). after the absolutely fantastic gorman wedding, i had 2 more weddings (one of which was my sisters), my bday (good times with good friends), and the already mentioned l-town thanksgiving. the rents booked it outta the country and back to the motherland after dees wedding and took my camera with them for their mini asian tour (seoul, hong kong, bangkok). i probably missed out on some photo ops but im sure their photo ops trumped mine. oh yeah, i also got a new phone. the samsung propel. the ozzy phone! man i love that commercial. i got the blue one although i was contemplating between that or the green. i think i chose wisely. so that was my unblogged about month.

so what finally motivated me back to blogger.com? this damn weather. just like last year, our autumn lasted 4 hours and the climate went from summer to winter pretty quickly. now, even though i sweat at just the thought of the sun, i love summer clothes. i love that i dont need a jacket. im always quick to stash my long pants away and throw on a dress and a pair of flip flops and be out the door. now when the weather gets colder, i sadly realize that my laundry basket will be seeing more pairs of socks and less tank tops. boo. last year though, i learned to embrace the nyc street vendors and got really cool winter wear for cheap. my fun hat and scarf. true, i also have a fun pair of glittens i got for no more than $10. now leaving the apt with my hat and scarf is almost as definite as leaving with shoes on. but the glittens, they only go on my hands when absolutely necessary.

so my list of you know its brick out when....

i have glittens on.
i dont like the song thats currently playing on my ipod but i dont want to take my fingers out of my glittens to change the song.
i select more transfers/less walking on hopstop.com
i consider taking a cab home (you know my cheapass tries to take the train as much as possible).
i wear leggings (the female equivalent to long johns... so then are these long janes? when did i get awfully punny? seriously, its pretty awful.) under my pants and it becomes a regular thing. ok, when did i become a cheesy grandma?

you know i love you when its brick out and...

i actually leave the couch to go to your party (but dont be surprised if i leave after 15-30 mins.)

brick times = hibernation. my man and i, we're bears. when the temps drop, we stay in and stay put. luckily, we got to start 2008 on the beach in anguilla however, we'll be ringing in 2009 in frigid nyc. guess what our plans are? hibernate in 2008! then on jan 4th, itll be tan and fine in 2009 :)

wedding weekend spectacular

2008-10-20T11:00:00.012-04:00

yes. i know its been forever and 3 months since ive written. its been so long i was a bit embarrassed to write again. i knew my comeback had to be the most amazing ever. thats why i chose to recap the extravaganza that was jamie and mikes wedding. words cannot describe the amount of fun, love and good times that were had not just that night, but the entire weekend. that is why this recap will be more of a photo essay. let the pics tell the story (with help from a few captions). jamie and mike - if the wedding is any indication of how your life together will be, well then i am j.e.a.l.o.u.s. mazel tov!

the rehearsal dinner

me, the bride to be, team skinny member #1, best moh ever

me and my moh mentor

the groom and bride announce gifts for the 'maids and groomsmen

ooooh, color coordinated bags to match the 'maid

the aim is a pink lady

g-star and the bride... sorry chris (aka the man with the line of the night, even though we cant remember his lovely zinger) for the flash in your face.

ben zapp modeling the groomsmen's gifts (money clip/credit card holder)

our bridemaids pins for salon day the next morning!

we're hot even without professional makeup!

the gang (l to r): tom, g-star, team skinny member#2 aka sharon, matthew, the aim, lacey, the bride, me, my man, the jiller!, and chris (g-star's identical other half... jk, but you two are adorable.)

the rehearsal dinner was a fun time for all us to get together and get psyched for the next day. thanks jamie and mike for our really cool and thoughtful gifts!

getting pretty for the main event

my before pic. i added the piece of flyaway hair on top of my head for extra 'im gross' effect.

jillers before pic. still a pretty girl :)

the shirt dont lie. (it says 'sexy little bride')

the bride gets the biggest and pinkest pin.

my after pic!

supermodel!

supermodelS!

pretty ladies

maid meeting!

final group pic with the bride before the main event!

loved the salon morning. this was the first time i ever had my makeup done. i guess i understand why some girls actually take the time to put on makeup. the results are amazing. we all looked like gorgeous ladies. best pics ever!

jericho jewish center - let's get married!

limo ride from four points sheraton.

i wanted a pic with me in it too!

all the maids (l to r): sharon, aim, me, jiller, g-star, lauren, rebecca, rachel, jen
most flattering dress ever. its officially the sisterhood of the traveling pants bridesmaid dress. it fits everyone amazingly!

the back of my dress. jamie was really cool and let all the ladies choose however they want to wear their sash. i wanted to see what mine actually looked like.

team skinny with ben zapp

team skinnys back view

the beaming groom

the blushing bride

posing with the bouquet

smell the flowers

smile for the camera

the chupah!

the ceremony (with mikes parents on the left, on the left)

jiller and jamies parents watch from the right, from the right

time to break the glass

officially married!

my bridesmaid job is done! (picture the big forehead wipe ala my iu trip)

the ceremony was very jamie and mike - jewish and cheesy. of course in the midst of pre-wedding pics, i forgot to wrap tissue around my bouquet... and of course i totally needed a kleenex during the ceremony. when the rabbi spoke about how much these two lobsters love each other, the waterworks would not stop. thank goodness for waterproof mascara. i still look great during my walk back up the aisle. time to eat up and boogie down!

mazel tov! let's get down and boogie!

let the party begin!

jamie and mikes first dance. they are ecstatic grinning from ear to ear. check out jamies mom in the back. tears of joy. many many many were shed that night.

obv the best pic taken that night!

my dinner table companions. there was a better pic when ben zapp doesnt look possessed but i look way hotter in this one. sor ben zapp. its my blog and ill look pretty if i want to.

me and my man got the party started... and this is just the beginning

the dance floor started to fill up quickly

the groom getting in on the dance floor action

time for some gossip with ad!

some cuddling with my man

some posing with my ladies before...
...
...
...
LIKE!!!

the bust out begins

the photog is capturing the moment

what is aunt debbie doing in the circle?

aint nothing gonna ruin the LIKE bust out!

time for me and my man to show our moves

the push it move

getting low with my man. matt and mike are cheering us on in the back.

all this dancing takes a lot outta me.

i trained him well. my mans rubbing my feet. thats lub (in the whitney houston ala being bobby brown voice)!

father-daughter dance. time for the paternal waterworks.

mother-son dance. his mom is crying. mike looks like he wants this dance to end... soon!

cake cutting!

jamie knows how to feed her man - with a sly smile. mike knows how to eat her food. with a tight-lipped grin.

mike - you know jamie hasnt had carbs in years!

cake eating is hilarious!

bouquet toss

whos the lucky lady?!

the aim!!!

the wedding is officially over. i am praying we get back to the hotel safely in this stuffed limo.

the limo made it back to the hotel... just barely. it broke down as soon as we pulled into the sheraton parking lot. my prayers worked. this honestly was the most amazing and fun wedding i have ever been to (and trust me, ive been to a couple of these now). this had just the right amount of love, cheese, fun, friends and food to make it the spectacular event it was. the music was right on too! i never wouldve thought id be suffering from pwd (post wedding depression) but i think i was one of the first to catch the pwd bug. besides, i think everyone had the most amazing time bc we all know jamie and mike are 2 wonderful individuals who make the most amazing team together. our wedding gifts were given with pure joy and love bc we know it wont be used for divorce lawyer bills later down the road.

the morning after - meet the newlywed gormans :)

the gang at the morning after brunch. are we wearing glasses bc its sunny or bc we partied hard?

marking their territory.

sharing their new status.

as the song goes: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the gormans with a baby carriage! will i be writing a baby gorman bris post next year?

L'CHAIM!

special mention (couples edition ala overheard in ny)
walking across 6th ave and bleecker. see a gorgeous asian 20-something model with her white model-esque bf
me: whoa. that was a triple upgrade version of us
my man responds with gut-wrenching laughter

walking down leroy towards bleecker. see a pregnant asian girl walking with her white babydaddy
my man: thats us in like 6 years
my response: stomach dropping followed by a slow creeping smile on my face (internal happy dance in my head)

belly button

2008-07-16T16:58:00.003-04:00

so ive gained weight. it was inevitable considering i havent hit the gym in years and eat whatever i want whenever i want. the thing is, my bod (just like my mind) is a bit slow. it takes a while for me lose and gain weight. sure it gets a bit frustrating when im trying to lose weight and i dont see results in an instant but it backfires when i gain weight. bc ill eat and be lazy and then eat some more, and check myself out and see my bod is still a-ok. then one day, all those late night binges just hit me. and they hit hard. and it is damn ugly.

the fat hit me a few weeks ago. yeah so my fam has been saying ive been gaining weight for months now but thats just regular banter for them. bc you know, the only things my fam ever talks about is how fat im getting. either that or something else they can find horribly wrong with me. (i wonder why i ever went to therapy.) anyway, sure their words sting but my own realization was much much worse. talk about a sucker punch in the gut. i just wish that sucker punch wouldve flattened my belly a bit. (i know. im nuts!)

at first it was where my pants hang on my bod. when i was thinner, i used to wear my pants lower around my hips and way below my belly button. i realized that if i wore my pants lower, it gives a better illusion of a flatter belly. i noticed that this trick wasnt working anymore. the lower i pulled my pants, the bigger my muffin top got. uh oh #1.

uh oh #2 hit me during one of my summer fridays. i decided to throw on a fun yellow tank and a black skirt to run to duane reade and pick up a few essentials. now, i also blame this on not having a full length mirror in the w.vill apt. ok fine, we havent had a full length mirror since the 'burg but it is getting ridiculous. i hate not having a full length mirror. ive left for work many mornings regretting what ive put on not having enough time to turn around and change my clothes.

so back to #2 i walked through the village minding my own business when i saw a glimpse of myself in some store window and i almost cried. omg. ive become that fat girl. the girl who should not be wearing what shes wearing. how did i know how grossly fat i got: my belly button. sure. i know its deep. i call it the grand canyon. but jeepers creepers. i felt like one of those obese girls who waddle into my parents store asking if we carry their size (always followed by my mom giving them a nasty look and an even nastier "NO!"). i quickly pulled my skirt up way over my belly button and tried to shop without crying. i let myself go and i only have myself to blame.

so ive sulked for a few days. then i started thinking of a new diet which is kinda hard to put together when all i have to cook with is a toaster oven and microwave (thank goodness for zip n steam bags). im thinking of a fun workout regimen for myself (and my man) too. of course, i kinda panicked again as i walked to bathroom and saw the pics i put of my man and me on the fridge. omg. my belly button has been obnoxiously deep for a while. you can see it through the dress i wore to jordys wedding back in march!

project skinny cass is in full effect! the weddings are a big motivation. my dress size for jamies wedding is already obnoxiously large, i dont wanna try it on and have to get the next size up! (kill me now!) and as my parents keep reminding me, they dont want to show 3 fat daughters at my sisters wedding. obv dee has lost tons of weight already and le join is on her way too. im gonna be on that bandwagon soon too. my man wants to lose some pounds so we can prance around anguilla with no worries. we're gonna be hot sexy bitches.

i really noticed how this weight gain has affected me and my personality. my man noticed how down ive been feeling and my sinking libido. how can i feel sexy when i think i look like a whale. i know im not a whale but i know im not that hot sexy biatch i once was. while i was wallowing in my fat, i found the best analogy to describe how i felt. i felt like a car. when i was thinner, i was like a shiny new car gettings lots of ooohs and ahs and stares. now, im not as shiny or new so i dont get stared at as much but im still a functioning vehicle that can take you from point a to b. im still awesome, just not oooooh ah awesome.

what better time to get oooooh ah awesome again then for one of my closests friends weddings, and oh yeah, my sisters wedding too. im getting my makeup did which ive never done before. might as well have my bod look as good as my face. sure people usually lose weight for the summer but this summer has been a sort of bust this year. its sunny and gorgeous during the week while im working in my frigid ac'd cube and the weekends have scattered showers on my days off and brutally hot sun while im working at the store. hopefully, august will be kinder to me. i get my full weekends back! first 2 in august will be spent poolside in jersey :) ima gonna get ooooooh ah awesome!

special mention:
jamie: who can be in a good mood when you have to take a crap.
during the daily parking chant

fights: effects of being a normal girl

2008-06-19T13:41:00.004-04:00

i vividly remember this convo the bf and i had with rock candy (rocco and candice). it was almost a year ago (last july) and my man and i were definitely still in our honeymoon stage. all love, no fights. we said never fight bc we communicate. we tell each other everything. even the things that bother us so we never get to the fighting level. then rock candy said that sometimes its nice to do things for each other without even asking for it. kinda like mind reading. i thought that was silly and such a normal girl thing to do. expect your man to just know what you want. please. i know (or knew) men were dolts when it came to knowing what women want (unless your mel gibson of course). i said i would never be like that.

ah. i guess as time passed by and i fell deeper and deeper into coupledom, i also evolved into a normal girl. damnit! i mean, ok fine, i was never big on confrontation. my approach to confrontations was not approaching them at all. just run. run and fast. and far. and keep running. ive gotten better at confrontations though. especially since moving into the city. ive had to confront issues in order to live my life the way i want and deserve.

the last fight i had with the bf was bc of my normal-ness. i wanted him to read my mind and when he just responded with a puzzled face, i wanted to ARGH! how could he not know whats wrong with me. actually, when i relayed the details of the fight with dee she simpled replied, "ahhh, you pulled a maj." he asked what was wrong, and i said "nothing." damnit. ive turned into maj! the crazy lady i went to therapy for to not become. what the crap happened to me?!

i mean, there are legit (to me anyway) reasons why i expected my man to know why i was so angro. a brief history and recap of our past lil tiff. so i got weddings galore in october plus my bods been getting a bit jello-y so ive been wanting to hit the gym. ive dropped the "we should go to the gym" line for the past few weeks only to be responded by a grunt from my bf. i even went back to my apt and grabbed some gym wear to bring back to the my mans apt. finally, i full out said, "lets go to the gym after work tonight" and to my surprise, my man said, "yeah sure" and headed out the door for work.

so the lb called me after work to ask what our nights plans were, and i said, "walking the dogs and then youre meeting me at my apt tonight to work out." then he said, "hon, im tired. maybe next time." bastard! i came back to his apt after walking the dogs all disgruntled and pissed. and thats when he asked what was wrong and i said, "nothing." bc he should know! his defense was he never promised so he was totally able to say no with no problem. then he said he promised he would go "next time." im a smart cookie so i said ok, next time is tomorrow! sure enough my mand kept his word and we went to the gym the next night. have we been back since? no. but we will return! we're gonna be hot sexy bitches for the october weddings and the annual winter anguilla vacay.

during my angro state, a lot of thoughts flew threw my mind. how does he not know? he should know? does he not care about me? does he not respect my feelings and needs? how does he not read my thoughts? i realized that if he didnt care, he wouldnt want to why i was so angry. and after convos with other couples about this (non) mind reading, i realized that even if he cant read my mind, i still want him to attempt to or guess whats wrong with me instead of asking and then getting pissed when i say nothing. fine, i guess that would aggravate me too but i want an attempt. in most cases, he would get it right. bc he knows me.

when you spend as much time with a person like my man and i do, you learn each others lil ticks and tacks, likes and dislikes. maybe im playing a crazy game with myself. like a how well does he know me game. i mean, sometimes we communicate with each other by just using facial expressions, hand motions, and grunts. how can he not know what im thinking?

out of the almost 2 years weve been together (or a lil over 1 year if we're talking technically) weve only had 3 fights. i think its bc we never let anything get to full on fight level. as soon as he sees my face, he wants to fix whatever is bothering me. as for vice versa, theres never a vice versa. i never anger my man. im the perfect gf! (halo shines above my head)

special mention:
brandon: and how do you know so much about relationships?
nikki: because im a girl and that what girls do.

elevator etiquette

2008-06-18T13:27:00.005-04:00

elevators. a modern marvel. anything that helps with my laziness, im all for. some of us (JILLER!) are not big fans but me, i love elevators. just like the subway though, there are some people that dont know how to ride an elevator properly. i know. youre probably thinking, "i didnt even know there were rules to riding an elevator." i thought that too until i encountered people who broke the rules.

true. riding an elevator is simple. walk in, push the button to the floor you wish to go, stand back, face the door or the floor numbers (if theyre displayed), and wait til you get to your destination. its the standing part that some people dont get. just like a subway car, an elevator car can get crowded. but unlike the subway, there arent any seats or poles but since the elevator is only going up and down and not across, theres no need to do any surfing, no pole holding required. since you dont really need to concentrate on keeping your balance, there is just one simple rule, dont invade others personal space.

like johnny says to baby, this is your space, this is my space (no spaghetti arms). when an elevator car is crowded, its inevitable that personal spaces will get invaded and overlapped but that is when the general rule comes in, when a person leaves an elevator, move over to maximize your and the other persons space. easy breezy right? so you would think.

the other day i walked into the elevator at work with a few friends. we were having a convo while waiting for the elevator and i wouldve liked to have continued the convo in the elevator as well. but no. two schmuckos (1 girl and 1 guy) deemed that their convo was way more important than mine and planted their fat asses right in front and next to me. how is that possible? its possible when youre annoying pieces of shit with no respect for personal spaces.

anyhoo, i bit my tongue and gave these idiots a chance. it was a crowded elevator. so the elevator stopped at a floor and a person near us got out leaving room for the morons to move and give me back my personal space (and a chance to continue my convo). yeah. those dumb bitches stayed in place and continued on. after staring at the free space for a half minute, i finally took the one long step outta idiotville and into my new personal space. then i shot my friends a "someone should beat those stupid bitches with a common courtesy stick" look.

elevator personal space is kinda like a game. as soon as a person leaves, you move to give the other people youre riding with the same amount of personal space as you do. am i the only one who plays this game? its like when youre in a crowded elevator and people start getting off one by one until its just you and another person. arent you two always standing on opposite ends of the car so that each of you can claim your own half of the space? yes? no? do i have some weird elevator ocd?

i guess if youre ever riding in a elevator with me, you better give me my space. or this mama will be a cranky one and the bf will not appreciate it (bc hes the one who gets the brunt of my crankiness... poor guy. love you lb!).

special mention:
mr. spring, give me a spot.
to the poland spring truck parked in the middle of the street

sleepyface

2008-05-29T12:29:00.002-04:00

*just want to say thanks to brad for leaving a comment on my last post. bc of the genius that he is, i got to update the "my crush jake" link. its always nice to read comments especially from people i dont know. unless of course ive already met you through adam which is a possibility bc adam is like my main promoter. he says hes not a publicist but at heart he really is. anyhoo, thanks brad man. youre awesome... and adam you are too (but you already know that!)*

so maybe its bc i just finished reading bunny tales but i guess i didnt really have this epiphany until i randomly read this article this morning. i began to think about what is beautiful and then felt lucky that my bf thinks that i am, especially in the morning when i have my sleepyface on. messed up hair, sleep-sand in my eyes, and he calls me cute. thats love. then my mind went back a few years when my cousins from cali were in town. they said the girls in ny were gross compared to their hometown hos. when i went out to cali with my bro and his friend a year later, they agreed with my cousins, cali girls were hotter.

i mentioned this to my bf and he disagreed with a HELLLL NO! ny has the hottest girls bc of the variety. who wants cookie cutter barbies? ah, thats what i tell myself when my flabby belly says i should go to the gym but my lazy ass argues with it using that excuse. the ass always wins.

i know i know, when you hear great personality you think ugly ugly ugly. honestly though, id take good, stimulating conversation over eye candy any day. luckily my man and i are each a combo of both. yeah, we're awesome! anyone can be stick thin (it goes hand in hand with utterly miserable bc hunger=nasty biatch) but a lil meat on the bones can be sexy. well, thats also what my ass tells my belly during the should i/shouldnt i go to the gym wars. damn smart ass!

reading bunny tales made me realize that hef and his gfs are just insecure people. the book tells about his sex life (ew, if you do end up reading this book, try not to picture it unless you want to throw up in your mouth) and its pretty boring. i can honestly say mine is way saucier and im only horizontal dancing with one partner. the gfs are nuts and get plastic surgery to one up each other. ok fine, i shouldnt really talk bc ive had a lil work done myself, but i was young and im secure with myself now to know that i wont be getting any more in the future.

oh yeah, and hefs gfs are always blonde. theyre like puppets that can easily replaced by another bleach blonde (the fake boobs come after you move into the mansion). i think deep down, i barely have any asian friends bc i like being the token. even though sometimes i feel uncomfortable being different i usually embrace and enjoy it. bc to me, different is beautiful. sure, sometimes i wish my chest was as boobilicious as my jewy friends, especially the thin ones with the crazy huge racks, but korean girls just arent built that way.

its weird, even when i am in a group of asian girls (which does not happen often) i still feel different. maybe its my sexy (aka meaty) hot bod (literally, it runs at 110 degrees). im not as twiggy as they are nor do i add random korean words into my convos when i talk. maybe its just my mind. i need to feel different to feel good about myself. its like self-therapy or something. or maybe self-psychosis bc deep down im just a looney.

as the article from this morning said, perfect looks usually means boring conversations. sure, i can be a cold, quiet bitch at times but there are other times when i can talk your ear off and make you chuckle... just dont talk politics bc ive got zero opinions due to my zero knowledge of it. ok fine, my only thought on politics is that i can never take w seriously bc every time i see him on tv, all i see is will ferrell spoofing him on snl. and thats about it.

the point of this whole post is is that being all dolled up and perfect looking isnt whats beautiful. its like that ep of sex and the city when miranda brings home a trainer from the gym and the guy tells her shes sexy. then on their next date when she got all sexed up, he got turned off. see, natural is true beauty. thats why my man loves my sleepyface. just like i love his crazy hair lazyface.

subway schmucks

2008-05-12T15:47:00.003-04:00

ah the subway. contrary to the title of this post, i actually love the subway. especially after enduring a painfully long traffic ridden drive back into the city last night from syo, li, i absolutely love the fact that i dont need a car to get around the city. you cant really get road rage if youre not driving a car but sometimes i can get commuters rage from the idiots that ride the subway. maybe its just me. maybe im just a picky lil subway rider. ok, maybe im a snobby lil subway rider. anyway, here are the groups of people i can NOT tolerate while ridin the ol mta.

getting to/on the train:

cut n slows - im a true blue new yorker and new yorkers are generally in a rush to get to somewhere. plus, true blue new yorkers know where theyre going and how to get there. im one of those. not only do i know which train to take but i also try to take the exact car of the train that will stop in front of the turnstiles of my destination. yeah, maybe im a lazy commuter too. anyhoo, so as im briskly walking (no running bc a. that requires too much effort and b. that attracts attention) to my car, i cant help my feelings of wanting to stab the bitch or asshole who cuts me off and then proceeds to walk as slow as a g-ddamn tourist. screw you! you gotta put one foot in front of the other and then the other one down. MOVE!!!
pushers - did you ever see that youtube clip of the trains in japan? if not, check it out here. anyway, here in ny, we dont have hired help pushing the crowds onto the trains. nah, we commuters do it ourselves. thing is, we're not really supposed to. i know new yorkers can be ambitious and all but bitch please, if theres no room theres no room. dont try to fit your fat ass onto this train. just wait for the next one.

when on a crowded ass train (aka the l train which i dont have to take anymore bc my man moved to the west village. holla!) getting a seat is not an option. please, getting on the train itself is like a victory. so you gotta find a pole and grab on for your life. these are the pole people that piss me the f-off.
pole peeps:

pole huggers - sure. the subway is full of germs. there are some people who absolutely try to avoid touching anything on the train. but then there are those who know they need to use the pole for balance but refuse to touch it with their bare hands so they hug. they hug the pole with their arm. i understand why these shitheads do this but when the train is crowded, get over yourself and buy a bottle of purell and grab the damn pole. the hugging makes it almost impossible for anyone else to get a piece of the pole for balance which leads to a bunch of crashing bc subway surfing is a crazy skill.
pole sliders - and no you pervos, i dont mean sliding down the pole like a damn stripper. i mean those people with the slippery hands. youre on a crowded train, you grab a pole with a handful of others and the hand above yours begins to slide, slide down and touches yours. now. i like to think im a nice person so i give the first slide n touch a pass. hey, the bro/ho didnt know how much room he/she did(not) have. its cool. but when it happens again, and again, and again, thats when i wish i had crazy sharp, long fingernails to stab the bastard with. learn your lesson bitch! stay on your part of the pole!
two handers - really? really?! are you about to swing your body around the pole? no? then get your second hand off the pole! if you need both hands to balance, you might as well get off the damn train and get into a cab. these people piss me off bc if you have both hands on the pole then that means your body is facing the pole meaning your fat ass isnt allowing as many people to grab onto it as there can be. the pole should be held by one hand with the side of your bod facing the pole. maximum room, maximum people to balance. subways should have a rule book on how to ride.

other annoying commuters:

leaners - so the train is so crowded (damn l train!) that you and many others cant even get a piece of a pole. so you surf. this takes a huge amount of balance and i believe some core ab strength. but then there are the flabby klutzes that cant surf on their own so they lean, they lean on me. im not morgan freeman so i dont know why some people do lean on me. i dont know you, dont even want you touching me and youre doing the full on lean. this is when i wish i had sharp shoulder blades to stab the leaner with. i had a girl lean on me once. our backs were facing each other. i attempted to move and the bitch had the audacity to yell at me. if i wasnt in a mad rush on my way to work and the train wasnt so damn crowded, i wouldve given her a bigger black eye than the damn l train stairs gave me. bitch!
door hangers - the ones that stand by the door. they see a whole crowd of people walking onto the train yet they just stand there. with blank expressions on their faces as their big ass bodies block half the door. at least step off the train and let people in and then hop back on so you can have your precious lil spot by the door. but no, they stand and block and piss people off. these are the same people that are pissed that the train isnt moving yet they are the reason the train isnt moving bc its taking people longer to get on the train bc their fatass is in the way. inconsiderate m-fers.
money mongers - please give me money im blind. please give me money im homeless. please give me money bc blah blah blah. firstly, i believe half the blind people who walk through the trains asking for money arent really blind. and secondly, if youre gonna ask for money, work for it. do a lil dance. sing a lil song. ok fine, i dont give those people money either but i would. just cause they made an effort. the peeps i usually give money to: the candy boys. hey, i want something out of it too and whats better than a bag of m&ms. even if it did cost me 5 times more than i wouldve paid at the nearest duane reade. but at least that kid is going to basketball camp... or buying crack. whatever. different strokes.

so besides those people, i love taking the subway. except on the weekends. damn weekend service advisories. theres always one train or another that isnt working or running on a completely different line. ah new yorkers. always in a rush yet nothing ever gets done on time.

special mention:
jamies grandma - back in my day, no one got into "relations" until they were engaged.
jj=jersey jew (not necessarily a bad thing... theyre awesome-ish)

we be (bed) buggin'

2008-04-28T10:27:00.005-04:00

yeah. i wish it wasnt true but it literally is. the burg'in pad was bed-buggin'. are you feeling itchy? these past few days have been the most exhausting, disgusting, tiring days ever. i literally felt like a walking disease (how does paris hilton live like this?) and felt nowhere was safe to sit, lie down, or even touch. thankfully, annie is the coolest and awesomest person ever and let me leave work to take care of this nonsense. le join was chill (after having a mini bd which caused one of my bd's) with the sitch too as it couldve affected our apt too. then i learned dee was actually the one to help calm le join down so big thanks to her too. and a huge thanks to my mans parents who helped get rid of those buggers by finding the bed bug king.

it all began thursday. ive been itchy but i thought it mightve been the new lotion ive been using. my man didnt have any bites whatsoever but when he woke up thursday morning, he saw a little bugger and bolted off to work to do some research. i woke up to 6 mixed calls and a voicemail from my man. sure enough, the little bugger he saw a bed bug. let the panic begin! we werent sure how long weve been sleeping with these things (EW!) but had a feeling it mightve been a while since the neighbor directly above him had them months ago. right around the time my mans ceiling collapsed. ugh. im getting nauseous and itchy again just writing about this. after many phone calls back and forth, kickass annie let me leave work so i could go back to the bk crib and start garbage bagging the bedding and pretty much everything else. nasty.

although there never really is a good time for bedbugs, this day wasnt exactly ideal either. first, my man had an interview that night. how could he think about clinching a job when he had to deal with bed bugs. ew. gross. secondly, we both stopped buying the greens and basically started our hiatus on the tokes. ahhhh, i never wanted a bowl so bad though. my man however, was fiending for a ciggie but he stayed strong and just said no no no. lastly, le join usually has the weekend off from work so she goes out to li. of course, she had work on friday and saturday so would be staying in the city. argh! so basically, there were rough times ahead.

the bed-buggin' timeline:
thursday morning - my man sees the bugs. does the research. bugs out (pun intended, obv!).
thursday afternoon - le join bugs out. bugs me out. i leave early to start bagging while in a furious, scared, and guilty (for possibly spreading this epidemic) mode.
thursday evening - my man goes on his interview and i nap (bagging is exhausting!).
thursday night - le join calms down and we make up and my man and i head over to the do to to to spend the night. yes. the three of us had a slumber party in the studio apt. very interesting night.
friday morning/afternoon - i go to work and my man takes care of buggy business with the bed bug king.
friday evening/night - i meet my man at the laundromat to help fold every article of clothing hes ever owned plus all the clothes i had at his place. he has a mini bd and i calm him down. we head back to my place to drop off my clothes and to do a preliminary check to make sure the do to to aint buggy. then i have a bd and my man calms me down. then, my bro calls for girl/slutty hobag advice from my man.
friday/saturday midnight - we go to my convertible to drive out to jersey. just to fit the theme of the past two days, we walk out to rain... and we parked the car with the top down. thank goodness my cars got leather seats. we wiped the rain off and drove away laughing. what else can you do in a sitch like that?
saturday morning - apt hunting online and via phone from jersey with my man and his 'rents. i also watched a kickin ep of flight of the concords. that shit is damn funny.
saturday afternoon - meet the exterminator at my apt. luckily, those buggers didnt travel to my place but i got a precautionary spray down done anyway. not taking any chances. then it was a fun domestic trip to bed bath and beyond and the container store.
saturday evening/night - have dinner at a cute pub. cover the mattresses at do to to with vinyl covers (plastic sheets = dead sexy) then head back to dead bug land aka the bk apt. get rid of the mattress. pump out the aerobed and invite some neighbors over for some wine (very much needed after this debacle).

sunday was spent working with the maj while my man checked out apts in the village. hes looking at places back on the mainland aka manhattan. so we went through some crazy grief this weekend but im gonna take this experience as a blessing in disguise. maybe my man will find a kickin place thats better than his orig apt in greenwich village. hopefully after this new lease, my man can finally move in with me or at least we can officially live together elsewhere. why does everything take forever to be official in this relationship? anyhoo, i did learn that my man and i make a great team. we time our bds perfectly so that we can help each other out. i stay strong and level-headed when he feels outta control and he picks me up when im feeling down. there are lyrics in the kinks apeman that really describes how we are to a t: "ill be your tarzan, youll be my jane. ill keep you warm, and youll keep my sane. and we'll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day just like an apeman."

special mention:
chriscarey, the original blogger has a new blog! check out the link under the clickworthy blogs list.

pesach it to me

2008-04-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

so ive been feeling much much better since i last wrote. had a mini bd. ok, kinda major bd. i break down every few months about my living sitch and then snap out of it when i realize that i have a pretty amazing support system and well, i gotta just deal with how my life is for now. sure, i have responsibilities that really shouldnt be mine, but hey, we all get dealt cards that we dont want. we just gotta play 'em out the best way we can. so thanks to my buds and my man. it still amazes me that i have these wonderful people in my life.

anyway, steering away from my dark days, lets lean towards the dark days of the jews. ah, this past weekend was my very first seder. before we left for jersey, i had my man brief me on the story of passover. basically the jews were slaves in egypt. moses who was a jew but didnt know was a jew then found out he was a jew was told by god to go up to the pharoah and tell him to suck it and let his people (the jews) go. so passover is all about remembering that story. theres bitter herbs, sweet charoset (a fun fruity mixture), matzoh (bc the jews were on the run), salt water, 10 plagues (with fun finger puppets), the afikomen (i found it the first night and won a $15 itunes card. go me!), manischevitz (got a lil buzzed after half a glass), and just a delish dinner (man i love me some brisket). it was a learning experience with great food and good times.

the first nights seder was held at my mans parents house. it was a cute lil gathering of just my man, me, his bro, his 'rents, and his aunt. thats why we all participated in looking for the afikomen (its usually done by the kids). i know, im learning all this new hebrew lingo. its awesome. i love going to these holiday events. its like the cliffs notes of hebrew school (pronounced shool, of course). the matzoh ball soup was absolutely delicious. i actually ate half of my gefilte fish and all of my brisket. mmmmmmmm. brisket. hot, cold, ill eat it any which way.

the second nights seder was held at my mans aunts house. this was a lil bigger with cousins and lil kids. ok. there were 4 year old twin girls, a 1 year old girl and a 3 month old girl. all adorable, obv. the twins actually made their own haggadahs in nursery school so they sang along to their own work and asked the 4 questions in the most entertaining way ive ever seen. of course the twins found the afikomen that night. then after a fun game of duck duck goose, my man and i headed back to ny.

i really am so lucky that my mans fam is so cool and nice and inviting. i love soaking in as much jewish culture as i can when im with them. its funny bc a girl at work just got engaged. shes italian and catholic and her man is jewish. theyre getting married in a church. i was like, "youre not converting?" and she goes, "im making him convert" (obv joking). the more i learn, the more appealing it is to me. maybe its just 'cause im learning from awesome people. who knows.

happy pesach, people!

solitude spiral

2008-04-15T17:58:00.002-04:00

to be alone. for some reason, that deep dark hole feels so inviting to me. to abandon everyone and just be by myself. i hate feeling this way but at the same time, it feels a lot easier to be this way. like being around people and friends, takes effort that i dont have the energy for anymore. my minds been in overdrive and its telling me to just fall. fall into the dark hole. stay in the dark hole alone bc thats where i belong. one part of me tells me to get help but the other part argues back. other people have better things to do than to hear me mope and complain. i dont even know what i would complain about. i just feel down. i feel black (not just blue). i dont have the energy to be happy anymore. im scared about the weddings coming up bc theyre supposed to be joyous occasions and i feel as if ill just be a downer. i feel like i cant ever be happy again. truly happy. the weird thing is, there wasnt an event that triggered this feeling. it just washed over me like a huge wave. and now im under it and i dont think i can get out. the dark. it sounds so good.

1 year officially

2008-04-09T10:49:00.003-04:00

can you believe it. tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of title-land. when the btj became the bf. actually tonight is the 1 year anniversary of when i sent the email. we actually have 2 anniversaries. 4/10/07 is the official anniversary and 8/15/06 is the unofficial anniversary. i actually picked that date myself (it was the date of the first yankee game my man ever took me to). so, here are a bunch of important dates for me and my man.

7/17/06 - contact! well through email anyway. i winked at him over the weekend and he responded back with a cute email. the email trail begins and lasts for a bit. we sent long-ass emails (at one point i thought he was competing with me to see if he can write longer emails than i do) to each other for a week and then exchange the digits. woo hoo!

7/25/06 - contact! well, we finally meet in person. i remember this day so well bc it was also the day i went on the job interview that got me outta li and into nyc. so after my interviews, i trekked it back to the peach pitt after dark. i got a call from my man and he invited me over to his place for a lil smoky afternoon. i begged jamie to come with since ive never met this guy before but she let me go by myself in case a hook up opportunity popped up. alas, we didnt make out... that day but it didnt take too long before we made any physical contact ;)

8/15/06 - since the day i met him, we hung out about twice a week. during one of those hangouts, my man mentioned taking me a yankee game. i brushed off that comment bc why would he take just a friend (a cute one too) to a game. well, the man lived up to his word and took me to my first yankee game. man. ive been hooked ever since, the bf was just a nice bonus that came with (i kid, i kid).

4/9/07 - i finally found my balls and grabbed onto them tight as i wrote the email (ok fine, my balls werent that big if i gave the ultimatum in an email). so i wrote, rewrote, edited, cried, called and finally sent the email. then i called jamie and cried some more. first time i ever cried over a boy. damn those normal girl feelings.

4/10/07 - went to shas bday happy hour and then went over to his apt for the decision. who knew after that night, my life would change. it didnt dramatically change but it did. if anything he dove right into relationship land while i tried to hold back on all the couple-y stuff. ha! i knew he wanted it too. from that night, ive become what ive always despised, the happy couple girl. am i still that girl today? HELL YES!

so just like our relationship, im sure we'll do something low key tomorrow. which is fine with me. i know im happy and in love when im completely content just being with him... anywhere :)

left out... in the hot sun

2008-03-31T16:42:00.003-04:00

i mentioned that my man and i went to a bday party for his 1 year old cousin charlotte back in february. well at the party was his 5 year old cousin frida who was sitting in the corner on her daddys lap bc she was illin. ive only met frida once before and well, she was the most pleasant little girl. from what ive heard, shes just a bossy lil thing who always gets her way even though her parents are the chillest people ever. ah, so as we saw frida curled up all sick and quiet, my man and i looked at each other and we knew we were both thinking the same thing: homegirl is frontin. she knew the attention would be on charlotte, not her, so she did what she thought would reel in some attention her way, she played the sick card.

who knows. maybe she really did have a fever. its just an assumption that my bf and i came up with. but this past weekend, the weekend of jordys wedding, i had a feeling our assumption may have been right. why? bc i started to feel the same way as frida. no, i didnt pretend i was sick, but i did feel left out... a lot. and when i started to feel that way, i started to get pissy and so i did what i always do, i left. ah, did i mention frida has the same bday as me? maybe its an oct scorpio thing. anyway, although i had a great time, the happy feeling that i had didnt last too long. ah, maybe its a "kitty has a nosebleed" thing.

maybe i was feeling blue bc i had high expectations for this weekend and they werent met. i knew i would be missing out on some stuff bc i wasnt staying at the hotel with the rest of the guests, but i figured whenever i would pop in, it would be easy breezy fun times. i couldnt wait to meet up with the girls. i guess my excitement was bigger than theirs to see me. its probably my fault. i never keep in touch with people. why is it so much easier for the bf, who doesnt really know anyone at the wedding, to talk to people than me, who has known a bunch of these girls for over a decade? i almost felt like there was some shit talkin about me when i wasnt there. or maybe there wasnt. bc im not important enough to talk about. anyway, feeling left out sucks.

what also made me feel like an outsider was my not having a camera. ive been wanting a digital camera for years and just like the ipod, with all my pleading and begging, i will eventually have to get one myself. ah. so while everyone was taking silly pics of themselves, i sat and watched. but then there were times where i felt that even if i did have a camera, everyone would just get annoyed when i would want a pic so my camera would be filled with just pics of me and my man. now dont get me wrong, i would love that. i still think we need more pics of ourselves, but i really did want to join in on the girly fun.

the girls at this wedding are not my primary group of girls but they are the girls ive known the longest (since middle school). i like seeing them bc every moment is a dramatic/comedic scene and well, we're bitches. everyone is gross and we'll tell you why. jamie and mikes wedding will have a different group of girls. itll be my homegirls. the primary group. we're fun too but in a cheesier way. yeah, we make fun of people too but its not as brash or nasty. hmmm, maybe im just mean bitch. whichever group i hang with, we're making fun of someone else.

or will i be a bitch who ends up alone? i noticed during dinner a few weeks ago with jamie and her bridesmaids that i didnt speak much and i left a lil pissed and angry bc i was thinking about my financial sitch. i spoke to jamie today and well, she made me feel better. i had feelings this morning that i would feel left out again at jamies wedding but our call this afternoon literally made those feelings go away.

its funny bc when i was upset this weekend, my bf asked me why and i told him it was bc i was feeling left out. then he said, well maybe you should call the girls more often. ah, if only the jiller wouldve heard that. she wouldve been like, see i told you so. i wonder why its so hard for me to pick up the phone. i always feel like i need a reason to and if i dont have a reason, i feel silly for calling. but again with jamie, i called her this weekend just to say hello and the happy tone in her voice made me feel better. so maybe i should pick up the phone more often.

i do remember a time when i felt so vip and i hope that feeling comes back to me soon. im hoping my awkwardness goes away for amys bat mitzvah this weekend. mazel tov! oh yeah, and ive been contemplating about converting. for real. i even googled it this morning. i know i need to do more reading before i make my final decision. im just scared though. ive already gotten some bad reactions from people (including close friends) about this which just discouraged me. but i guess my heart is really for it bc even with those discouraging words, im still curious about it.

im so glad i have my bf while i feel like an outsider. he makes me feel wanted which is just what i need and want. as they say in jewish weddings: he is my beloved and my beloved is mine.

10 years

2008-03-25T16:34:00.004-04:00

in june, it will be 10 years since i graduated from hs. ew. what a way to feel old, eh? im pretty sure my class will not be having a reunion. please. we didnt have a junior prom or a senior class trip (although most of our class went to the bahamas during spring break) bc not enough people wanted to participate, so i highly doubt that anyone i graduated with will be jumping at the chance to pull a reunion together. besides, in todays day and age, who needs a reunion to see how those nasty bitches are doing when we got the internet. man, i love cyber-stalking.

my new fun stalking tool is weddingchannel.com. bc as much as i hate to admit it, most of the people my age are either married or about to get hitched. weve come to an age when the number of marrieds starts to get bigger than the number of singles. maybe its bc ive grown up a bit, or maybe its bc i have a bf, but im actually not panicking. usually when i feel like im behind in this game called life, i panic and feel like im slow and stupid. like when i was out of college with no job, totally felt like a loser.

not so. at least not now. now when i find out someones married or even with a kid (please, im from li. we dont do the irish twin thing) im not jealous but shocked like whoa, shes married... and with child! am i immature? although i think babies are adorable, the thought of having one myself right now gives me the heebie jeebies. scary!

so i feel pretty ok about myself. sure im "homeless" but at least im not living with my parents. i know i wrote something about the big 3 a while ago but i cant find that post. when i wrote that post, i only had 1 out of 3. but now ive got 3 out of 3. what are the 3 you ask?

job - ive only got a kickin one that takes me to nike id and fun restaurants during the holidays and on a party bus to the borgata on other random nights. yeah with this one, i kill this category.
digs - not only am i out of my parents house, but i own my own apt. true, i only spend maybe half my time there and use almost all my money on it but its mine.
the other half - finally! i got the bf... and i actually like him! i hope when people see us, they see two happy silly crazy people bc thats who we are.

maybe thats why my jealous bone doesnt get hit when i read about yet another whos married. im happy with where i am with my life. i dont feel like im behind and i definitely do NOT feel like a loser. nice guys finish last and we all know i was never that nice ;)

and so he knows

2008-03-24T12:22:00.004-04:00

i did it peeps. against many many peoples advice i did it. i told the bf about the blog. and he read the blog. and well, i cant say it was all rainbows and pots of gold after that. it was definitely a strange strange trip. after some hurt feelings and tears, weve decided to...

keep on writing! he just wont read it. and no. i wont start censoring what i say. even though this is a blog on the world wide web, i still consider this my journal. a journal cant be censored. its where you go to unleash, not suppress. so yeah. we survived the unveiling of the blog. and trust me, there were times where it felt like that ep of satc where carrie goes to cali for her bookreading (which turned into an opening act for a dog) and all she wants to do is bone mr big but all he wants to do is go over the book and ask if he really was such an asshole. yeah, it felt like that except without the laughs. yeah, my version wasnt as funny.

it started thursday night on our way to my apt from his. i dont know why but my urge to tell him about the blog was bigger than usual so i blurted it out. he of course was curious and wanted to read this. so he did. timing was so bad. bc it was a thursday night. lost! and americas best dance crew! but who could watch and concentrate when the bf is reading! so he read, and i got nauseous. then he got nauseous. then then, its a blur.

the next day my man had the day off so he stayed and finished reading and started to get... angry, upset, hurt. thankfully, there wasnt much work to do at the office bc if there was, i wouldntve been able to do any of it. i felt sick at the fact that i hurt my mans feelings. could.not.concentrate. luckily, i also got out of work early so i rushed home to talk with my man face to face. bottom line, he was mostly upset bc he felt like i was hiding something from him. he didnt know i had this side to me. then i started bawling bc i realized that that was one of my biggest fears. i didnt want him to look at me like a jekyll and hyde. that i put up a happy nice girl front for him but then i write online and become this big mean bitter bitch.

thankfully, that wasnt the case. my man said that i write really well and that he probably wouldve enjoyed reading it that much more if the subject wasnt him. he felt that he sounds like an asshole at times but there were other times when he felt awesome and really happy. he could understand my friends concern about his knowing about this blog bc he can see why they like reading this so much. oh yeah, he also mentioned that if he ever met the phj or the crush from hs i used to call god that he would punch them in the face.

so my man gave me his blessing and told me to continue writing especially since it makes me feel good. we also agreed on me telling him when somethings bothering me rather than just venting on this here blog. ill guess ill just have to write recaps instead of rants now. my man and me. survived a "secret" blog. no. more. secrets! i feel refreshed :)

homeless

2008-03-20T10:54:00.004-04:00

right before i started writing this, i had a bunch of woulda coulda shouldas flash through my head. it was practically a series of scenes running through my mind ala sliding doors. what if i just waited a few more months. what if i put my foot down and said, i dont care im renting and thats it. what if i did it on my own so that my family could in no way follow me. but really, whats the point of all the what ifs. i cant go back in time and change my decisions. crap, even if i could go back in time all i could do is just watch myself make the same "mistakes" again (well thats how time traveling was described in that book the time travelers wife - i read it a few months ago and although slow in the beginning, the book gets really really good).

ive noticed that when my funds get low, i tend to step back and look at my life and how im living right now. true, i cant complain too much. i truly love my job, i still amazingly have great friends, and i have a relationship with my bf that i never wouldve imagined could be so fun and awesome. but the downside of my life is where im living. i have keys to two apts yet i feel like neither is really my home. the comfort levels in each place vary in different degrees and areas. its like i live a split life but i dont identify with either or. i find myself daydreaming like i used to do when i was still living with my parents. dreaming of the day when i have a place of my own.

the apt i share with my sister still feels like a really expensive hotel room to me. to be courteous, i plan and coordinate when ill be there with my sister. she actually wants me to stay at the apt more often and i can but i know she'd rather have me stay more alone as opposed to with my bf. but i love spending time with my bf. we're like siamese twins, its nauseating yet comfortable at the same time. even when i do stay at the apt with the bf (le join has been really cool and actually goes back to li on her days off so we can have the apt to ourselves) i find myself being a cleaning lady. always tidying up so that the place isnt trashed when le join gets back. i like staying at the apt bc i get to cook and be domestic. plus, its where most of my clothes are (although i really do wear the same 3 outfits over and over again) and i get to watch all my fave shows on my dvr, which i pay for all on my own. its nice to actually use the stuff that most of my money pays for. to reap the benefits that leave me po fo sho every month.

strangely i caught myself calling my bfs apt my apt. it was weird but that is where i spend most of my time and where i feel most comfortable. its funny bc growing up, my parents always said that i shouldnt sleepover other peoples places a lot. they frowned upon sleepovers bc they thought staying over at a friends place is just a bad habit to create and have. yet as i grew older, i found myself getting really attached to certains friends houses and practically made them my home. jamies apt on 30th st aka the peach pit really did become my home away from home. maybe its bc i really didnt like my home at the time. and now, im doing the same thing with my bfs apt. ive really made myself at home there. true, the sitch is a bit different now, im sleeping with the person who actually lives in the apt, but the comfort is about the same.

i do feel more comfortable at my bfs apt bc i can walk around naked and keep the place as messy as i and he wants it to be. i can go to bed at whatever hour i want and come and go as i please (hooray for the key!). ive even reached the fart in front of him comfort level. yeah. you know thats huge. so yeah, i can even fart and burp without holding back. and yes, he still loves me. we compete with each other in laziness, currently i am the reigning champ! the downfall, tv. we both love watching tv but our tastes in tv shows differ like night and day.

at first, it wasnt a big deal bc im an easy going gal and honestly, his shows didnt bug me that much. if anything, i watched them with an open mind. i figured this is an opportunity to watch something i normally wouldnt watch. although most of the shows i probably wouldnt watch on my own (nature shows, wrassling, bill maher) there are a few diamonds in the rough that im glad i found (yeah naruto!)and which ultimately makes me a cool ass chica for not just knowing about but actually liking too (go ninja warrior! american gladiators is for wussies.). when it comes to my shows, my bf is not as open minded. id say hes a stubborn bastard about it but he has opened his mind a bit. ok, more like left it open ajar, enough to fit a credit card. but trust me, its way better than it was before, shut tight and bolt locked.

the process began at my apt bc hey, its my apt! its my dvr! im watching what i wanna watch. so i would watch and he would be sitting at his computer with headphones on watching, what else, naruto. the thing is, my laughter is damn contagious. so when i would laugh, he couldnt help but turn around to see what i was watching. then i would sneakily start recording some of my shows on his dvr (hehe, sneaky korean!). so far, ive gotten him to sit through and watch americas best dance crew, how i met your mother and lost.

idol is touchy. ive eased him into it but we never watch it on real time. if anything, we watch it after the results show has aired. the thing is, i knew i would be able to get him to watch idol bc i watch it the exact same way he would. i basically fast foward through the usual idol bs, get to the contestant, listen to a few notes, if its bad, i fast forward, if its ok i listen through to the chorus, if its rockin i wait til the bust out they usually do towards the end of the song. depending on the contestant, ill listen to the judges but i always always fast forward as soon as ryan seacrest comes on. i still dont know what purpose he serves on that show other than to annoy the crap outta me and simon. god bless simon. in my own custom made idol show it would be just the contestants and simon and simon can cut the contestant off at any point he chooses. but whatever. thats what dvr is for :)

ironically, the only place i feel is truly my own is my cube at work. yeah sure, im using the companys computer, desk, shelves, supplies, but this area is still mine. no one else can sit here but me. i even have a fun name tag to prove it. the decorations in my cube are all me too. pics of my friends, bf, doggies, and fave celeb hotties. i know where everything is and i can keep is as messy or organized as i want. plus, i do spend the majority of my time here. so i guess in a way, my cube is my home. but in another way, it totally isnt. home is where you go to get away from work. and although i grunt when i wake up in the morning to get to work and cant wait to leave at the end of the day, i do feel "at home" whenever i sit in my cube. bc its mine. and no one elses.

maybe im feeling homeless so i can hide from my real fear, growing up. with the way things are going, my bf could very well become my next roomie. and well, you dont live with your bf if youre not gonna end up married. especially at my age. maybe im in this sitch now bc im not ready for all those huge steps yet. maybe its just fate taking its course. thats how fate works. it doesnt give you what you want as soon as you want it but when youre ultimately ready for it. so ill just keep on living my dual residence/homeless life. work hard, love hard, live well. ill let fate put things into place. in the meantime, ill have my mini bd's oh about once a month.

special mention - very strange engagement gift edition:
SNOWMAN! the original blogger.

americas best new show

2008-03-04T17:43:00.003-05:00

so ive got a new show that i absolutely love! serio. i got hooked a few weeks ago when i called in sick for cramps (i know, who am i? jamie in hs?). so as i was getting ready to leave my mans pad to be crampalicious at my own apt, i caught an ep and couldnt leave the couch. ok ok ok, i know youre gonna laugh when i reveal the name of this show but please, finish this post before unleashing your laughter... the show is: randy jackson presents americas best dance crew. i know. this totally falls under the same category as laguna beach, the hills, even 2gether! yes, it was a show i vowed to protest only to get sucked in during a random showing at a random hour on a random day.

so as i watched in amazement, i knew i had to eventually get up off the couch and leave so i recorded the show and left my mans pad. when i got back to my apt, i saw my sis and told her about my newfound love of this show. she, of course, laughed in my face and shook her head mumbling, who is my sister. ha! well i was the last one laughing bc a few days later le join calls me saying she caught a late night ep of the show and yes, it amazed her too and she is now a fan. booya! well, when i finally returned to my bfs pad later that night, i told him i had to finish watching americas best dance crew (lets call it abdc bc that name is way too long!). in my own amazement, even my man didnt shut this off or shudder in fear and/or disgust like he usually does with my shows. ah! progress or just plain awesomeness?

anyway, i usually fast forward through the judges comments bc ive seen many a dancing shows in my day (so you think you can dance, dancing with the stars) and the judges either try to show off their dance knowledge or try to be super nice and shield the contestants from any embarassment. but this show is on mtv and like many game shows on mtv (like say what karaoke: whatever happened to that show?) the judges are just fluffy filler in between acts. well, i think the judges are a part of the reason why this show is so good and they actually kinda resemble another judging trio who i think set the bar for all other judges... you guessed it, american idol! let the comparisions begin!

the one who repeatedly uses the same ghetto term
american idol - randy jackson fave ghetto term - you my dawg!
abdc - shane sparks fave ghetto term - you murdered it!
who are they and what do they do - on idol randy is the american music producer who is a mix of nasty truth telling simon and ditzy/drunk paula. on dance crew, randy is the exec producer. shane sparks has been a judge on so you think you can dance and is a renouned choreographer. so you would think he would fill the simon role on dance crew but nah, hes more like randy. he compliments the dance groups and gives them criticism in the most constructive way. shane is my fave judge on abdc.
the lil ladies
american idol - paula abdul
abdc - lil mama
who are they and what do they do - on idol, paula is he sole female sitting between randy and simon. she plays the nice judge role bc she really cant be mean to any of the contestants. maybe its her big heart or (probably) her red cup of whoknowswhatkindadrugsareinthatthing. paula is the slurry comic relief. lil mama is also a nice mama but she takes her role a bit more seriously than paula does. oh yeah, if you dont know who lil mama is shes a rapper of some sort. i dont really know her music but i do dig her remix of avrils boyfriend (lil mama and avril lavigne REMIX!). unlike paula, lil mama does give some constructive crticism but always pairs it up with compliments.
the meanies
american idol - simon cowell (duh!)
abdc - jc chasez
who are they and what they do - simon is the only judge who matters on idol. plus, does anyone really know what he did before idol? anyway, simon tells it like it is and hes even more fun to listen to bc he has a british accent. you can tell me to fuck off in a british accent and id still prolly swoon and then pounce you. damn accents! jc chasez is a bitter bitter man. im sure the rest of nsync is bitter too since mr timberlake became larger than the group itself but damn! jc is b.i.t.t.e.r. bitter! even if a group kills it (like my man shane would say) jc always finds something to criticize. even when hes complimenting a group, its in such a lackluster tone. dude. your heyday has gone. deal with it and get over it.

yeah the judges are one of the reasons why i watch this show but obv the main reason is bc of the dance groups. there are some that are just damn ridiculous (not in a good way) like break sk8 and fysh n chicks. break sk8 is a bunch of guys from indiana who dance with roller skates. not blades, skates. they kick it old school. whatever. they piss me off bc this is a dance contest not a roller rink. go try out for roll bounce 2 and get off the abdc stage! fysh n chicks is a bunch of not so skinny girls. their thing is theyre not sell outs for wearing slutty clothes so they dance in baggy ones to cover their fat bods and bad dancing. whatever, i hope one of those two gets kicked off this week.

there are two groups that im rooting for. first up is jabbawockeez. i know. just from their name i wanted to barf but this is the group that got me hooked! i didnt like them at first bc of their name and their masks. from the get go i thought theyd be a cheesy mask wearing group but after hearing why they wear masks (so people can focus on their dancing as a whole instead of individuals) and seeing them move... damn! heres a vid of the perf that got me mesmerized. its to apologize, the slow song where timbaland sounds like wookie. anyway, sit back, press play and just be freakin amazed like i was:

the second group is kaba modern. off the bat i didnt have high hopes for them bc they were a bunch of asians from the oc. i know, self race hate much? this group proves that asians got rhythm and slick ass moves. i really believe the contest will end with deciding between these two groups. if it doesnt then itll be a travesty. kaba modern have been improving with each week. this vid clip is from the latest ep which had each group dance out a movie scene. kaba did a 2008 weird science type of thing. the nerdy guys created their hot cyber girls. this dance is to one of my current faves sensual seduction. watch and love people:

if i turned you onto this show, you can thank me later. if i didnt, im telling you, youre missing out! and if mtv's pr dept would like to hire me for some freelance work, im available :)

everybodys workin for the leap-end

2008-02-29T16:55:00.003-05:00

ah. im so glad its friday. im trip-ly glad its friday. and my 3 reasons are:

its the first full week of work after a short week and even shorter weekend. ok fine, my workload this week wasnt back breaking... or even fingernail breaking but this week seemed l.o.n.g. the weather went from almost spring-like to downright frigid accompanied by snow. plus, ive been feeling bloated and fat all week. serio! not only do i have a full fledge muffin top, im even carrying muffin top-back too. yeah, ew. back fat. can i get any more signs to hit the gym. i dont think so. as my bod has been bloating, i cant say the same for my wallet this week which leads to reason number 2!
payday friday! yeah, ive been on the po fo sho diet the past week which is hard to do, especially when the aunt is in town. oddly enough though, i didnt have my usual chocolate cravings that i always get during the week. i did however, bake cupcakes when i had a sweet tooth as opposed to fishing for change in the couch and running down to the vending machine. a pro for baking is that i saved myself some loose change. a con is the regretful bloating i had the next morning from downing 4 cupcakes in 1 short sitting the night before. hopefully ill be able to pull myself together nicely for the kickoff event for this much anticipated weekend.
its mikes bday its mikes bday.

fo real. and it dont come every year. mikes had a pretty kickin month, engagement and actual bday and this leap year is gonna be fantastic for him as hes getting married to a pretty cool chick. i may have mentioned her a few times here and there, you know, jamie. this extra day is cool bc it gives people extra time to get shit done or maybe to sit back and appreciate what youve got or whats to come.

im just excited that the weekend is here. i cant wait to sleep in and take my time getting out of bed (although last weekend i barely got out: i played an extreme edition of the island game, my man and i resembled the grandparents from willy wonka). but im hoping to get some stuff done too. tomorrow is march and march has the first of four weddings ill be attending this year. im actually very excited for this wedding bc its in florida which makes it a mini getaway weekend for my man and me. the next wedding is out on li and the last two weddings are gonna be super fun bc theyre the first weddings that im a part of. ive got a busy year ahead of me so this weekend, im gonna take it easy :)

inseparable

2008-02-20T17:24:00.004-05:00

its funny. this past weekend was the first time that word was used to describe my man and me although im sure many people have been thinking that for way longer. we cant help it. we're like each others drug and yeah, we're addicted. this past weekend was really one of the best ones ive had in a long time. even though i had to work last friday, it was only a half day (office closed at noon), the thursday before was v-day and the following monday was also a day off from the office (for presidents day) and my mans bday! like i always do, im breaking down my extra long weekend per day.

thursday 2/14: v-day! - so my man followed my orders and had something delivered to my office. hey, whats the point of having a bf if you cant rub it in everyones faces on v-day. am i right? am i right? so my man sent me 2 packages. the first was a pot of roses with 2 dolls and the second was a box of chocolates (pictured in the post below). i knew the night would be low key bc i didnt ask my man to make reservations anywhere and he is not exactly a fan of this holiday. actually i think i read this in one of karos ruminations but its true, v-day is only enjoyed by gfs. single people obv hate it and bfs think its just annoying. of course my bf is one of those guys who hates the holiday but masks his hate with the whole "everyday should be v-day" bs. please. like 1 day outta the year to cough up some dough to spend on me isnt gonna kill you.
anyway, we discussed our dinner plans should be something low-key and had johnny rockets as a serious option. so the night before, dee had the two of us over for a lil guitar hero sess. needless to say, my man went to bed way past his bedtime so i knew he would be a ti li fo sho when i came back from work. and he was. he suggested staying in for the night and for some reason, i agreed with him. then i sat on the couch and started to get upset. tears started to flow outta my eyes and i became that girl. the gf i never wanted to become. the girl who wants her bf to be a mind-reader. my man ran over to me and basically answered the q's he was asking himself. why was i crying? he shouldve ignored his exhaustation and taken me out. its v-day. its our first v-day. its my first v-day. i was totally that girl. i dropped subtle hints but never told him exactly what i wanted.
this made me think of a convo i had way back in the summertime when the candice and rocco show was still in full effect. my man and i were saying that we work well together bc we tell each other exactly what we want and do it. rocco and candice were saying its nice to do things for the other person without them telling you to do so. and i guess a part of me wanted that. i wanted my man to do something for me that wasnt on my wish list. to put a lil effort into something thats just for me. anyway, my man dried my tears and we ended up having the low-key dinner we originally planned to have but instead of johnny rockets, we went to chipotle. we also made a great discovery: chipotle has awesome cheap beer. rockin! this was also the first time i used the power of the box. it was pretty cool.
friday 2/15: half day friday! - i was psyched to go to work only bc i knew i was leaving there in a few short hours. although the office closed at noon, i didnt get out til 2pm. hey, im a diligent worker. as soon as i got back to my apt, i had a nice relaxing time by myself. all i have to say is a bowl + idol auditions = lol good time. seriously, i think i scared my neighbors with my rupturous laughs. especially with my high ceilings, i was echoing. nuts. i refrained from eating too much bc dinner was gonna be awesome.
my man and i were meeting up with his bro cory and his gf amber at lugers for an early bday dinner for my man. i know lugers is my mans all time fave meal and well, i may just hop on that bandwagon. while the three of them were waxing poetic about politics and all that jazz, i was piling my plate with yummy steak which immediately filled up my belly. i was in crazy sneaky korean mode. it was awesome. as we were all enjoying our buzz, cory asked us how our v-day was and of course we gave a mini description of our holiday (minus our lil tiff). who knew that cory and amber werent in the best spirits these days. after hearing a lil about their differences my man and i realized 2 things: we really did have a healthy relationship and the candice and rocco show may have some new competition via the cory and amber show. hehe. my man and i can be such schadenfreud-ians.
saturday 2/16: takin it easy - spent the day in bed eating cold leftovers from lugers. so yum. we slowly trekked it back to my apt by doing a lil shopping in my mans old 'hood first. went to an adorable childrens store called bombalulu's to pick up gifts for my mans cousins 1st bday party. then we stopped by american apparel to pick up a cute dress for me :) we finally arrived at my apt around 7pm and i made a yummy dinner of korean kalbi and rice. im awesome. then my man and i trekked it back to bk only to watch movies, read books and fall asleep. honestly, i think we spent at least 2 hours that night not saying a word to each other but there was not even a second of awkward silence. thats when i knew my man is not only my bf but my partner. you know youre extremely comfortable with someone when you dont feel the need to fill an empty space (aka silence) and you can pretty much do anything you would do when youre alone with that person being right next to you. plus, we have our own sign language. you know lil hand gestures for pack the bowl, scratch my back, etc... i know, we're so adorable we're nauseating. ew. when did i become this girl?!
sunday 2/17: family day - first stop: jersey. our day began with a fun bagel n lox brunch with my man and his fam. i also picked up groceries while i was in jersey to bake cupcakes for my mans bday which was the next day. so fun. the bf got an iphone from his parents for his bday. they also booked our flights for jordys wedding. nicest parents! after our filling brunch, we headed over to cousin charlottes 1st bday party. this party made me feel so young and old at the same time. i felt so young for not having a baby of my own (like 80% of the adults there) but so old bc this was one of the first kid parties ive been to when im not a kid. good thing is, i didnt want to kill myself or any child there. hmmm. maybe i am growing up. i actually thought the kids were adorable. lil babies!
the last stop was flushing, queens. my parents wanted to take my man out to dinner for his bday. ah, long story short, my car sounded like a harley during the entire 2 hour drive from jersey to queens. gotta love a loud car in nyc traffic. amazing. dinner was adorable. my parents got my man a lil gift (really nice aftershave) and a fun caterpillar pillow for me. hanging out with my fam has become a bit more relaxed now. i really appreciate my parents making an effort to get to know my bf more and i know he appreciates it too. ah, fam non-drama. its kinda nice.
so we went back to bk and i literally waited for the clock to strike midnight so i could light a candle in one of the delicious funfetti cupcakes i made and give my man his bday gift. i love love love giving gifts but im also a weird ocd stickler for giving them on the actual bday or holiday. i dont like giving hints either bc i think the surprise of not knowing what the gift is is like 30% of the fun. im weird. obv, my man loved his gift (it was the naruto uncut box set volume 2, i gave him volume 1 for v-day). then we hit the sack and eventually fell asleep (natch).
monday 2/18: the bfs bday! - looking back on this day, its exactly how i wouldve wanted to spend my own bday. my office was closed for presidents day but my man had to take the day off. besides, i think they should make it a law: you can NOT work on your bday. we started the day with brunch at our fave bk brunch bar, teddys. seriously, they make the BEST bloody marys ever. you wanna know how i know. bc i dont even like bloody marys that much but thats the reason why i go to teddys. the bloody freakin marys! they taste so good and yeah, they also get you f@#$ed up too. so we went back to my mans apt to chase our buzz with a bomba. then we decided to trek it to the mainland aka manhattan to do a lil shopping. books for the man, jeans for moi. we ended the day with a nice sushi dinner across the street from the 'burg apt. good food, good shopping, good times.

every single minute of this ridiculously long and ridiculously awesome weekend (except maybe for a few hours) was spent just the two of us and there was not one second of "ugh, get away from me" (not even during the v-day fight). i am totally comfortable with the togetherness i have with my man but what i didnt know was that his parents think its normal too! thats who used the word "inseparable" to describe us and they said its totally understandable bc thats how they are too. sure, this weekend may sound like any other weekend ive had since my courtship with me man but i still get moments of enlightenment. i guess thats how i know we're still fresh. whenever i think we've entered a new level of comfy-ness, we hit another zone. yikes, ive totally become the gross happy girl. damn love. its turned me into some happy monster.

special mention:
its official. 10/11/08. let the countdown begin!

v-day numero uno

2008-02-14T17:09:00.003-05:00

isnt it adorable? this is my first official valentines day. seriously! anyway, my love sent these lovely gifts to my office to brighten up my cube and my day! my man and i are celebrating tonight in a very low key manner. we dont need no fancy dinner to express our love for one another. we're celebrating by doing what we love to do together: sharing a fat bomba, eating some fat burgers, then makin some fat lovin. love love love.

ch-ch-changes

2008-02-13T11:40:00.002-05:00

so i was inspired to write this by my brosef ichford watching an ep of how i met your mother which is btw my new fave show and also one of my examples of ch-ch-changing. in the ep my bro watched, the main character ted finds a shirt in his closet that he bought years ago but never liked. anyway, so he sees the shirt and decides he likes it. a few years passed and his personal style changed. obv, the biggest change in my life this past year is my relationship status. but having a constant companion is not the only difference that came with the bf.

even though i knew it was happening, i guess jamie and mikes recent engagement really had me step back and look at my life now and reflect on how it was back then. only a few years ago, my home away from home was the peach pit and my weekends always began with a drive into murray hill, frustratingly searching for parking along 30th st, and knowing my night will end with a smokin n dyin sess with g-star and starting the following morning with a delivered mcdonalds breakfast. i was just a single girl desperately trying to get out of her parents house. now i live in the city and see my friends a lot less than when i was treking it from li. my nights in m-hill started to dwindle when jamie moved from the peach pit to the peach pit after dark but now i never step foot in that 'hood, mainly bc most of my friends have migrated elsewhere.

when i was single, i went out every weekend but every time i was out, i just wanted to go back to someones apt (mainly jamies) to smoke and chill. i went out bc i wanted a reason to get all dressed up and girly and obv, to hopefully find a man to just smoke and chill with so i dont have to go out anymore. well, many many many years later, i found just that. i found that man. the smoking has cut down a bit but the chillin has gone way up. do i miss my single girl nights? i honestly dont miss the crowded bars but i do miss the getting ready with the girls. pleading along with jiller, the aim and g-star to jamie about getting rid of her purple hole-y push up bra. busting out to rent and then bawling out any other cheesy song that comes on. ordering in wings or moonie before going out. i even miss fixing the damn cover on the couch that no one else could do besides me.

my commuting has changed considerably as well. yeah the biggest and obv change is from driving in a car to surfing on the subway. but even my mta commuting has evolved. i went from reading magazines to listening to my ipod, to listening to songs and playing solitaire on my ipod, to finally reading books. yeah. i cant believe i became a book reader. now i know my bf wants to take credit for this but honestly, i have to give my book reading credit to melfur. bet you didnt see that one coming. ah, thats another thing i miss. my hot boxed drives with melfur through li which eventually ended with a long stay at either at a barnes and noble or borders. she got me into the girly books that actually fill up my bookshelf. but yeah, my bf got me back into reading. especially james patterson books. i also have to give annie some cred too. shes been lending me books that are kinda slow in the beginning but then i evenually whiz through bc they get so good!

another thing annie introduced me to was how i met your mother. honestly, its the best show. its hilarious and smart and just plain awesome! like me! i clicked with it so much that i even got my brosef into it bc lets face it, hes me with balls (literally, figuratively, truly). so you may be wondering, how is this a change if its something new. well well well, a few years ago, during my time at cmp (the company on li i worked for) this temp joe and i got along famously. although he only worked at cmp for a few weeks, we kept in touch afterwards. just emailing back and forth about our fave show, laguna beach. he mentioned that he was watching this new show called how i met your mother and how it was the best new show on television. i kinda brushed that off. how can i show with a ridiculously long title like that be any good. ah joe. he was actually right. how i met your mother totally rocks!

heres a brief synopsis of its characters and the show itself. the show is called how i met your mother and is a backwards love story. its about the main character ted telling his children about how he met their mother. the entire show is a huge flashback of the events leading up to ted meeting his wife (who we still dont know!). in the flashbacks, ted is a 20 something romantic who is desperately searching for his dream girl to marry and have a family with. he lives with his best friend marshall who was his roommate their freshman year at college. marshall is dating and eventually marries lily (played by the adorable alison "and one time at band camp" hannigan) who he also met during freshman year of college. barney is their AWESOME single friend played by neil patrick harris who is just freakin AWESOME. and to round out the five-some is robin, who ted meets and falls in love with but ends up being friends with bc robin is a tv journalist from canada who doesnt want to get married and just wants to see the world. ok fine, so it doesnt sound so amazing on paper but watch one ep and youll be hooked, guaranteed! even the bf watched one ep and was considering getting into it (which is a big step bc he is a remote nazi!).

maybe change isnt a good word. bc change means something is different. i guess i should use the word evolve. im growing up. trying new things. or maybe im just becoming what i was always meant to be which is... AWESOME!

JUMP

2008-02-11T19:02:00.001-05:00

jump! jump for joy! jump for jamie and mike! jump bc its cardio! even though weve all been expecting it, it didnt make it any less exciting when mike popped the question to jamie. he literally spelled it out for her (he proposed during a game of scrabble) and obv! she said yes. im genuinely happy for them but a part of me is even happier bc mike managed to do the impossible, he surprised her. so now is the beginning. the beginning of crazy planning, endless calls from mothers, aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends, etc... and thats just for the couple.

for me, its a double reason to hit the gym and drop that donut. im taking my recent case of the runs as a sign. a sign to stop shoving my fat pie hole with food and start shedding some pounds. plus, everyone around me is losing weight. jamies been on some healthy anti-cough diet that makes her pee in jugs and jillers been hitting the gym so hard she even got my man wondering if she joined nutri-system. got about 8 months to fit into 2 bridemaids dresses. jeepers. gotta jump!

special mention:
me: what are you doing this weekend?
jamie: i gotta pee in a jug all day. ill prolly do that on sunday.

january: national gyno month.

i died a lil today

2008-01-28T17:24:00.000-05:00

weddings. theyre on my mind so much that theyve even taken over my dreams. damn, and im NOT the one whos getting married. nuts. so dee finally picked a place and date for her wedding which makes this happening that much more real. its nuts. like i said, i wouldnt start dieting until she picked a date (and then push the diet start date by a week bc of mother nature and the "aunt" due this week) and i wouldnt work on the wedding website until then either.

so thats what i did today. i worked on their site. i wanted to summarize their relationship in a cute paragraph so that i can show the world how adorable and compatible these two are without babbling on and on about it. after lunch, the words started to flow right outta me. i think i did an ok job with it. i already had the really good pics ready to upload. typed out the words and checked out the work. fantastic. and since i had some free time, i decided to do some weddingchannel.com stalking.

please. people may deny doing this but i know they do, type in a random persons name to see if theyre getting hitched. now, there was this guy in hs that i was OBSESSED with. oh, this beautiful man, who yes, was a year below me in school but technically was just a mere few months younger than me (yes, just like my current bf and no! this is not my mo, the liking of younger dudes, maybe it is.) was so gorgeous that his code name was god as in nothing can be hotter than he (mmmmm). ive been cyber-stalking him from time to time, checking to see if hes on friendster, myspace, and facebook, but i would always end up empty handed. even google had a hard time coming up with search results. this guy is like non-existent in cyberland. so yeah, every now and then id go on weddingchannel.com and type in his name and then breathe a sigh of relief when the site doesnt recognize it.

so today, after i completed my sisters wedding site, i typed in god's name and lo and behold, a finding popped up with a girls name that could totally be of a ho that he would date (yeah, shes jewish and yeah, of course he is too! bc that is def my mo). so my stomached dropped to the floor along with my jaw but my fingers could not stop moving. i opened a new window and signed on facebook asap and typed in this ho's name. could it be? maybe theres another god out there with the same name. so i looked up the slutty fiance and sure enough she had a profile with pics, pics of him. of god. in all his glory. with a full head of hair. maybe its bc jillers hs crush is losing his hair but i braced myself for a balding god when i didnt need to. hes got his hair, and his good looks and if i saw him today, id still call him god. yum. yum. yum.

so of course, i im'ed the one person who would feel the impact of this news almost as much as me: jiller! jiller has been with me through all my crazy god obsessing stages. she understood the tiny death i had today. she looked at the pics of this slutty ho with me and helped me grieve. first thing i noticed was that shes older! ha! i called the slutty fiance a cradlerobber when the jiller reminded me that i am one myself. damn that smart jiller! after a while, i had to stop staring and being upset. why should i be? ive got a man. a man who loves me. a man that i love. so who cares if some crush of mine is getting married to some ho. blah. just let it be.

so i did. for about an hour. actually, i got distracted by my bf. he im'ed me. and we talked. had our usual im bored at work whats going on tonight im convo. then he signed off and le join signed on. i had to tell her the god news. and oh man, we perused the pics again. thats when i noticed something. i saw a pic of god with a young boy. thought it was adorable that he was pictured playing with a lil kid who was (and this is the clincher) holding a yankees bat. then, then! i saw the caption, "my boys!". hmmm. is this chick a mama? a baby mama? shes older and with child? hes marrying an old chick with baggage! then another thought dawned on me, is this child his child? omg. has god been missing from cyberland bc hes been busy being a daddy?

this news just conjured up such weird feelings for me. why should i care so much about a guy who i barely know? i guess its bc its killed the fantasy that i thought was dead but was still alive in my head. maybe i felt the death of my silly hs fantasy part of me. whoa. thats deep.

AMAZING AXA

2008-01-17T12:28:00.000-05:00

*true, i was waiting for all the photos of this trip (bc i still dont have my own camera!) to write this recap but honestly, i was also debating on whether or not to do it at all. this is the first time i am putting pics of my bf and his fam on this blog. the bf doesnt even know this blog exists although there have been some close encounters. ive actually met some readers (thanks to adam who has been spreading word about mama cass) but ive met them in front of the bf. thankfully hes got a.d.d. and his mind has a tendency to be anywhere but in the moment. i dont even put his real name here. but bri said this is my journal which is true. and journals are a place to keep memories. this trip is something i want to remember forever. so here is the recap with pics and all. i hope you enjoy :)*

ahhhh, anguilla. amazing! i could NOT wait to get to that island, especially since my man and his fam left days before me. yeah. the bf and i were apart for SIX days! the longest weve been apart since my cruise back in feb 2007. plus, the last time i saw him was the last time i toked. yup, i went 6 whole days in ny with no greens... and i didnt kill myself. ah, is this a sign of growing up, perhaps? so i woke up extra early to catch the nj transit train to newark airport. i actually enjoy traveling alone. its pretty easy. so i arrived in st maarten and couldnt wait to hop on the funtime ferry for the 20 min ride to anguilla. even though i waited over an hour, the boat ride was amazing. a part of me wished i had a camera to capture the beauty of the west indies but another part of me thought no picture can show how truly beautiful this place is. i thought ahhhh, this is heaven... and im prob starting to get color too! score!!! as we approached the dock at anguilla, my nostrils got an unexpected surprise - is that ganj i smell? (later i realized i could smell that throughout the island and its most pungent as you drive away from the villa. alas, no ganj entered my lungs during the ENTIRE trip. fo real!)

anyhoo, so i went through customs and ran out to meet the bf! we had one of those cheesy kisses where he picks me up. ahhh love. i was so anxious to see him and knew that he waited a long time (an hour and a half) at the dock for me. my man is known for being late and a lil slow but his dad told me as soon as he got off the phone with me, he hopped into the car and jetted. as his dad said, the phone was still warm when he left. thats my babe! the ongoing joke of the vacation was, "make like youre going to pick up cassie" whenever we had to get going somewhere. so we arrived at the villa around 3:30pm and omg, its so pimp. seriously. check out the tequila sunrise: the villa site. i spent the rest of the day just admiring the house, walking down to the beach by the house, and getting ready for dinner at roys.

this was the beginning of a week full of lobster, steak, and chicken dinners. i started the vacation with a nice big lobster dinner. hey, like i always say, go big or go home... and honey, i was not going back home. roy's was cool bc it was on the water (like most of the restaraunts we ate at during this trip) but it was ideal bc it was right by the airport. we were still waiting for the bfs bros gf to arrive. she had a hellacious day of traveling. flying from boston to puerto rico and then finally to anguilla. after dinner we found out her flight from pr eventually got cancelled and that she would be flying in the next morning. poor girl.

the next day was spent on one of the most beautiful beaches on earth, shoal bay. we crashed the resort ku and spent the day sunning and eating and meeting up with the regulars that the bf knows. oh, and i also found out my fun green bikini from american apparel is totally see through when wet. i was walking outta the water using my hands as a makeshift bra. im so attractive. anyhoo, i have no pics of this fun day bc i dont have a camera :( can i leave any more hints?! so the bros gf finally arrived and we got to show her around the villa. then it was time to get ready for another fun dinner.

we all went to this fun mexican place called picante. it seems as though the bfs dad knows and is friends with everyone on the island, especially the restaraunt owners. the owner and cook of this one (his name slips my mind) is so cool. he does shots of tequila with each table! and he still manages to cook amazing food for all.

after such a filling meal, my man and i just wanted to head back to the villa and pass out! but the whole fam went to the local bar first. then after the 'rents had a drink, we left with them to go back to the villa. seriously, sometimes i felt like my bf and i were such grandpas/mas. after dinner, all we wanted to do was go back and chill.

the next day was the first day with the full gang. we decided to check out a place the clan has never been to, a lil oasis called kokos. its just a lil bar on the beach that serves tasty bbq food. i got the ribs. so yum! plus, kokos had a great view of scilly cay. (more deets on scilly in a bit).

got some good color that day and even had a tasty pina colada too. i didnt drink too much on the trip bc alcohol and sun is just a nauseating combo for me. thankfully nausea did not come my way and instead i got some fun freckles out of that day. woo hoo! dinner that night was one of my faves on the trip. it was at a lovely place called straw hat owned by new yorkers! woo hoo.

the owner, peter, was really cool and told fun and crazy stories about the diners hes encountered over the years. good conversation and delicious food made this dinner one of my faves of the trip. really, one of the most memorable nights there.

the next day began with the bf and i going to one of the nicest resorts on the island, cuisinart to use our hanukah gift from his parents, a couples massage at the resorts spa. we went up to the terrace level to have side by side massages. relaxing! so relaxing that i even dozed off a lil towards the end. after the fantastic massage, we did a lil shopping at a cute store called irie life. after pickin up some cute tees, we went back to the villa.

the gang went out to lunch at palm grove (supposedly where brad and jen fought during their famous last vacation together) but the bf and i stayed behind bc he wasnt feeling well. i actually didnt mind bc i got to be all domestic (i made myself a tuna melt) in the gorgeous house. i played a game of really rich house in paradise. after a relaxing day, our night was filled by a fun dinner at mangos.

the restaurant had a fun singer walk around and serenade each table with his voice and his guitar. after singing two songs that our table requested, the bfs dad asked the guy for his business card. that man is always networking. one saying came to my mind, "the apple!" my bf is so much like his dad its kinda cute :) this day was awesome bc it was relaxation all the way. which is good bc the next day we were heading off the scilly cay!

scilly cay is a tiny island that just barely holds its main attraction, its restaurant. you can choose from or make a combo of lobster, crayfish, and chicken. plus, scilly cay is open only 3 days a week and is reservations only. needless to say, this is everyones fave spot. ill let the pics do the 'splainin.

me and my love catchin some rays. notice the border made of conch shells! so crazy yet so cool.

the fun couples chillin with the islands famous rum punches.

the whole gang waiting for our delicious lunches.

check out my lobster! YUM! lets just say i ate everything but the shell. de.lic.ious!

us and the 'rents chillin at the beach.

me and my love sunnin' in the water.

the annual driftwood pic.

we were so exhausted from our fun day at scilly cay that we had to cancel our dinner reservations for the night and just ordered in pizza. i think i got the most color that day and i read through an entire book! which book, you ask? the tenth circle by jodi picoult. that lady knows how to do f-ed up family dramas like no other. fun day, easy night. man, this vacay was rockin'!

this was our last full day on this beautiful island. my man and i took it easy in the mornin and then headed back to shoal bay for some fun lunch at uncle ernies.

my man in his fun "air boss johnson" bowling tee.

uncle ernie: rip.

my mans bro getting ready to enjoy uncle ernies famous hot dog lunch.

new years eve dinner was at another beautiful restaraunt on the beach, barrel stay. we had a delicious yet looooong dinner (5 courses served in 3 hours) but nonetheless had a great time.

me and my man, he looks a lil ti li.

a happier bf after some yummy dinner.

this was my first new years eve outside of new york and i really cant think of a better way to spend it. oh yeah, it was also my first new years eve with somebody to kiss at midnight. and we did. under the stars. sitting at the beach. i really couldntve written it any better. the best part is is that what im writing is true. it actually happened.

going back home was kinda sad bc who wants to leave paradise? but at the same time i was ready to go back to reality. of course, since we were big pimpin the entire vacation, might as well go out that way too. instead of heading back to st maarten on a boat like i did when i came here, we all boarded a tiny plane (it could only fit us and the pilot) for a 7 minute ride. im not scared of flying but when the pilot asked who were the lightest 2 people so they can sit in the back of the plane with the luggage and then proceeded to point at me and my bfs mom, i started to bug out a lil. obv, the plane ride was a-ok and we all made it back safely, but dont think i didnt have images of la bamba and lost flashing across my eyes before we took off. the flight to newark from st maarten was ok. i did kinda barf in my mouth a lil while waiting to board that flight bc its st maarten flying to newark. who was i surrounded by? jappy-ass families. who else lives in jersey and can afford vacations in st maarten?

special mention:
funny, ironic, coincidence.
before i left for anGUILLa, le join and ichford kept saying, "where are you going? anTIGUa?" and id walk away from them, very annoyed. well, our flight from st maarten to newark actually had to stop in anTIGUa to refuel. how nuts.

look great in 2008

2008-01-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

ok. so its been a whole month since my last post. my 2 readers have actually bugged me about updating. a lot has happened since i last wrote but i wanted to have a solid topic before i started blabbing. so number 1 biggest thing that has happened since my last post (and no, it isnt my amazing trip to anguilla, which def comes in a closesecond and i will get to in a bit) is that dee got engaged!!! yay!!! we knew it was coming but it was still a fun surprise when it happened. and now, its wedding time all the time.

ive been appointed the maid of honor title and to be honest with you, i thought id be all nervous and stuff... it is a LOT of responsibility and it is DEE whos the bride, but im really embracing it without tons of excitement and even more ideas. plus, bri will officially be family which means we can take his side when they fight and not feel guilty about it. haha. but i know the wedding is just the start of a brand new life for dee and bree. hehe. i find it crazy exciting to watch this all happen especially to someone so close to me. its like watching a real life movie on growing up and officially becoming an adult. ah, enough with this deep crap, the wedding means i need to hit the gym, stat!

along with dees wedding (which i have a vital role in: hello! moh!) ive got two others to attend this year and possibly aka probably another one to add to that list (cough cough amie-jay cough cough ike-may cough cough) im probably most nervous about looking HOT for dees wedding. yeah, the wedding is supposed to be about the bride but pictures last forever and i do NOT want to look like a wildebeast in any of them. so dee got engaged right before i left for my amazing trip to anguilla but i decided to not worry about my weight until dee and bree picked a date for their wedding. without a goal date, its so much harder to motivate myself.

ah, my trip was amazing. truly honestly big pimpin the entire time. my bfs fam is so awesome. i couldnt thank them enough for inviting me on this amazing amazing trip. it really was the BEST vacation ive ever had (sorry jamie, spring break '06 stepped a notch down to #2 but a strong #2). im still waiting for some more pics (if i had my own camera, i wouldnt have to wait) to do a proper post so i dont want to divulge too much. just know that i came home tan, relaxed and happy. details will come in a later post.

so when i got back to ny, i felt like dieting was just surrounding me. went to a bday party for marla and i barely recognized her. homegirl lost some major poundage and she looks good. jiller has been working out like a madwoman and thats starting to show too. even at work, everyones all 'gotta watch my calorie intake'. argh, and now i think my jeans are fitting tighter than usual. is that just my mind... or my muffin top (is all that all that). then i got to thinking, is my mind in shallow hal mode. like its on auto-therapy. do i really look like a beast but my eyes are making me see someone whos not that fat? i used to have the reverse goggles before therapy: i didnt look so bad but my eyes made me see a huge amazonian monster. what do i believe?!

i do know im happy. yeah, my life isnt ideal but its close to it. my job is really pretty awesome. my relationship with my bf (and even his fam!) is pretty awesome. even my relationship with my fam is going a-ok. obv, my friends rock and i just realized ill be seeing a bunch tonight for the idol premiere at chez g. yeah, my finances can be a bit better. my living sitch isnt perfect but its livable for now. its fun being in a relationship and actually talking about a future, even if its hypothetical sometimes.

i thought this year may freak me out a lil. it is 10 years since hs. yeah bitches. if my class had any school spirit, i would expect a reunion this summer but im not holding my breath for the invite. honestly, i see and talk to the people i want to keep in touch with from hs. anyone else is unimportant to me. besides, reunions arent about 'oh i wonder how good so and so is doing' but its more 'oh i hope so and so got FAT.' i think i keep in touch with enough people though. i went to two weddings last year. two (or three) more this year for hs peeps. im very surprised and happy with myself that im not freaking out. i guess the holden caufield has worn off. im not that scared to "grow up" yet at the same time, im in no rush either. besides, with facebook, myspace, and friendster, you dont need a reunion. you just need mad online stalking skills... and ive got those :)

special mention:
brenda: help yourself, kelly. you did to dylan.
one of my 9-0 quotes on facebook

phase 2: goggle switch

2007-12-16T16:35:00.000-05:00

i felt the change. i felt guilty whenever it would creep up on me but i couldnt deny those pangs. those moments of being side by side, looking over and saying "i hate you" in my head. its like a flash of dees face took over mine ala fight club. exactly what i didnt want to happen but also relieved it did. especially after talking with jiller. obv. it was normal but still. i hate it... and him, sometimes. ah, the fantasy has worn off with the love goggles and the reality has set in with the hate goggles.
its funny. there are times when i catch myself collecting a mental arsenal of shit to throw at him IF we should break up. ugh. another sign of the switch. with the love goggles, the thought of breaking up brought me to tears, now im making a "why you suck" list to spit back in his face should that even/ever happen.
im totally noticing things that i need to work on with him. like jiller said, i have the power. i just need to use it. but there are other things that worry me. a possibility that my "power" might not be able to change it. i know this relationship is a learning experience about me. about what i want. and i guess my biggest fear is the possibility that he may not be able to be that way, to be what i want.
is that phase 3? off with the hate goggles and on with the thinking cap. to decide if hes a keeper or if i want and deserve more? ew. you know i hate making decisions. will i ever get to phase 3? hopefully if i do, ill be able to make my decision on my own and without the pressures of conformity. i think ill be ok. ive been watching my friends get engaged and married left and right and i dont have not even an inkling of jealousy. i just hope that feeling stays with me when i get to phase 3.
the thing is, i may be forced into phase 3 sooner than id want. my man is thinking about a move to cali. the left coast. its not a definite decision yet but it is a definite possibility. such a big decision. im just glad we both have a crazy fantastic vacation to go to first before doing any heavy thinking :)

facebook is my new crack

2007-12-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

seriously. damn you jamie! i tried to fight the facebook bandwagon but i ended up on it instead. it started out as just a college kid thing and ew, i think it started after i left college. so ew, idve been an old fogie if i joined when it first came out. so obv, i didnt. then facebook became bigger, so big in fact, that people would jokingly say, "even my moms on facebook." and even though they would say it in a comical tone, you knew that the statement was true. now its all the rage hence it being cool enough for moi to be on. i think it was a combo of jamies urging (aka nagging), knowing that a bunch of work peeps would be on it, the fact that facebook looks for your friends for you (bc im a lazy b.i. and hate looking for friends), and myspace and friendster werent cutting in the "what to do during work when not working" category. so now im on it and literally on it like almost every hour. the first 24 hours were fantastic bc your number of friends would grow so quickly. its like, im so popular and i dont even have to try. im still trying to figure out how to pimp my profile although i never really bothered with myspace where even the most computer illiterate morons have sparkly backgrounds and dumb hos prancing across the screen. besides, i love any new tool that helps me stalk. ah, my hs days are rushing back to me. stalking can be fun. especially if you have a crush. ive tried googling my hs crush but hes like nowhere to be found on the 'net. hes either really private or still really scared of me. jk. at least i hope its a jk sitch. hmmmm, i dont think ive tried facebook'ing him. oooh, a reason to sign back on. i guess my bf is lucky hes anti-social networking even its ironic bc i met him through an online service (some people can be so oxymoronic). bc i would stalk and be paranoid. ok, maybe its lucky me that hes not on facebook, myspace, or friendster. my jealousy and suspiciousness would drive me so loca that even jill r wouldnt be able to help me. anyway, so if youre ever wondering what im doing, odds are good that im on facebook. damn crackass addiction.

got munk'd

2007-12-06T12:13:00.000-05:00

found this on ads blog. too funny.

2007 - sexy single to totally taken

2007-12-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

whoa. so i guess my mind is like clockwork. or maybe its just a huge coincidence but since i have a few free moments today, i decided to do my annual look back/resolutions post. first thing i did was check out what i wrote about 2006. the 'whoa' comes from the fact that i wrote it on tuesday, 12/5/06 and today is tuesday 12/4/07. almost a year to date. nuts! for 2006 i basically recapped the resolutions i had for that year but since i never wrote any resolutions for 2007, im going about this a whole new way. basically gonna give you a quick recap, month by month. im sure youre excited. ill link to some of my (and possibly your) fave posts of the year.

january - besides the usual beginning of the year bdays (jamie, le join, adam +1 month, marla, the phj) this january started out with an almost best vacation ever (title is still held by spring break '06 with jamie). the disney weekend (oh yeah and the carey wedding too!) with jiller, jamie and gayle really was the best way ive ever started a year. the trip produced memorable quotes and a newfound (non) appreciation for florida and the disney institute.
february - prompted by my upcoming cruise with lori (which i have never blogged about for numerous reasons) i finally bowed down to the techno-conformity and got myself an ipod. thats about it. it was also the btjs bday but since we were still in no title land (hence calling him btj) i just got him a card that sang "lets spend the night together" by the stones. subtle... i am not.
march - looking back on the posts that month, march was pretty rough. tough times with le join at our apt and the veil i had over my eyes about my sitch with the btj was beginning to fall off. i tested my feelings by putting myself in a weird sitch but ultimately ended up realizing what an awesome person i am!
april - started with a flood of frightened tears but ended up with a dance on the clouds. yes, this is when the btj became the bf! it only took me 8 months to finally put my foot down. to take a risk. i wont even gamble on 50 cent slot machines so to put all my feelings out there and geniunely not knowing if theyd be reciprocated was the riskiest and most rewarding thing ive ever done for myself. truly truly a remarkable month.
may - my money sitch, not the greatest but theres always balance in life. bad side: no money. good side: po fo sho diet makes me look rockin! plus, since the bf is truly now my bf, time to meet the fam. well his anyway. mine takes a little more time and a lot more caution. a lot. but his fam pretty much welcomed me with open arms and even invited me to their annual beginning of the summer party.
june - time of love clouds and reality checks. after dancing around those 3 words for a few weeks, my man finally said i love you. then i got a new job that paid much more $$$. like i said before, life has goods and bads. the bad was the news of dee and her thyroid cancer. oh yeah, the lb also met my fam. eh. the reception was not as warm as the one i received from his fam but what do you expect. my fam is many things but easy is not one of them.
july - main part of this month was burg'n it. my mans move to the billyburg. the move was pretty rough, especially bc everything was done in one weekend. and the adjustments were a lil nuts too (2 weeks without tv!). like any month, there were some highs: american apparel surprise and some lows: probs with le join but thankfully those lows worked themselves out. i also started my new job but if it were amazing i wouldve written about it... and i didnt.
august - family drama. my fams feelings about my bf started to leak or explode out to me and even affected the way i thought about him. well it was a combo of that and pms. but my true feelings stood strong and still do. besides, my fam drama seemed ridiculous (maybe bc it usually is) compared to what my mans fam went through at the end of the month. ah. jewish education pt 1 came to me via a shabbat dinner followed by a shiva call. the dinner with his grandparents was lovely and the shiva call was actually pretty cool too. i got to learn where my man came from and made me fall in love with him that much more. ew. im nauseating myself.
september - jewish education pt 2. and surprisingly, i didnt write about it. the new year is the biggest and most important holiday for the jews so naturally i accepted the invites for the rosh hashanah dinner and yom kippur break fast from the bfs fam and fam friends. but the month started off with my mans 'rents end of the summer party, complete with the a team. ah. the shrimp. i still dream about it. since this month will look weird without a link, here is the one post i did write in september. my bday wishlist. oh yeah, and by the end of september, i gave in my two weeks at my "new" job to go back to my "old" company. gotta do what makes you happy.
october - after a bd about the usps this month was actually pretty normal. i (ok we aka the lb and i) started to divide our time between his apt in bk and mine in nyc (mostly bc le join was kind and cool enough to split her time between our apt and syo). ive learned i can be domestic and actually like it. oh yeah, this month is also when i received my first ever flowers. and they were from someone i love. how perfect.
november - ah the fun part of domesticity was last month. this month was how the lil quirks that i thought were cute about my man slowly started to turn into lil annoyances. bah. ah, but the big moment of this month (and prolly most shocking and embarassing of the year) was when the l train beat my face. thanksgiving was a lil trying and surprisingly not bc of my fam (even if le join and dee were fighting). ah, the lb tested the limits and i hate that he even tested himself. of course my trust in him was shaken but i try to look at the good points in everything and well the good that came out of this was that i trained my man how to think and NOT get in those sitchs. such a dog sometimes.
december - its only the 4th but seriously, time is flying by. ive got hanukah to celebrate with my man and his fam tonight. then work events galore (so looking forward to making my own pair of kicks at nike id), a bday here and there (adam and jennie) but what im looking forward to the most is my trip to the lbs parents villa in anguilla. sun, fun, food, and its all free!

this year is significant bc of many reasons. its the 1st full year living in the city. its the 1st year with my 1st bf. its the first year i had 3 jobs and went up $15k in salary. cuh-razy. what will next year bring? i dont know but i do know that ill be finishing this year with the man i love... in paradise. now thats good karma :)

dog... i mean bf training

2007-11-26T15:14:00.000-05:00

its funny how about 2 years ago, i compared men to dogs and this year, im really starting to see a resemblance. i think im lucky that im my bf's first gf and vice versa. we get to learn things together. the sad thing is, i know a lot more than he does about this relationship crap so when i have to train him, it sometimes feels like im with a puppy. i even called him a puppy once and he shrieked a lil bc thats what his mom used to call him (must be his big brown eyes!). ah, some things never change.

anyway, this was about teaching my man limits. now, ive prided myself in using the invisible fence with my man instead of a short leash bc i see women who carry short leashes as just bossy bitches with low self esteems. im no fool. i let my man look. i know aint nothing i can do or look like thats gonna stop him. thats why we have a very honest relationship. we tell each other everything. id rather know who hes looking at (gives me extra info on what type of hos to kill!) than have him sneaking around. but this non sneaking around has kinda sorta backfired. he almost thinks like a catholic in a sense: do something bad but its ok bc you confessed to it. ah, that shit dont fly past me. you 'sin' and you PAY!

so my man had my mind in a mini overdrive a few weeks ago. long story short (or as short as i can make it) he a had friend from the military come home for a week. this friend has a younger sister (we'll call her fireslut bc shes a red-head and i dont like her) that my man crushed on and went on a date with a few years ago. anyway, so when this friend first got home for a weeklong visit, we went over to his fam home to say hello and all that jazz. fireslut was flirting away with my man. i chalked it up to just not having seen each other in a while-friendly chatter. the night before the friend left, a big group of people met up a bar to bid him adieu. i figured id give the fireslut the benefit of the doubt, maybes shes just a flirty girl. well, the ho was singling out my man again! does she not about the crazy scorpio sneaky korean wrath?! anyway, obv my man went home with me and left fireslut in the nasty dust where she belongs. bitch!

so i survived a mini hs reunion of sorts for my man but i knew he had another one coming up: thanksgiving eve. i know in most towns its like that but his town has a freakin ritual, its nauseating. to say the least, i was nervous. i know my man loves me but he is a man and if a ho works at it/him enough, his head (below the belt) will take over his head (above the shoulders). ah brain, BE STRONG!

another long story short (or ill try my best to shorten it) my man went out and saw a cute blonde who went to the same hs but was a few years younger. throughout the night he saw his short friend, lets call him shorty, hitting on this chick. he knew his friend just wanted to get laid and felt almost (like a) protective (brother) over this blonde ho. so (mistake number 1) my man offers this bitch a ride home if she doesnt want to leave with shorty. much to my surprise (NOT!) bitch accepts my mans offer and he drives her home. when they get to her house he says, "if i didnt have a gf, this is when id ask you for your number." now. what do you think he did? lets guess mistake number 2:
a. said, "fuck it!" and went into the backseat to do the nasty
b. kicked the ho out of the car and regretted even driving her home
c. exchanged phone numbers
ok, if he chose answer a. you wouldve read an obituary about a pretty blonde from jewville, jersey followed by a 5 page story on a crazy murder of an adulterous bastard. so no, a. was not the answer. i wish b. was the answer but if it was, i wouldnt be writing this right now. yup, he did c. exchanged fuckin numbers with this slutbong piece of shit.

now, he was telling me this 'wonderful' story while we were driving my from apt back to his. it was late at night and im so thankful for that bc the darkness hid the fact that i was using all my strength to hold back tears. well his puppy dog instincts kicked in and he knew he was in trouble. he even asked, "omg. are you gonna break up with me?" he knows infidelity is the one deal breaker thats no questions asked but this so fell into the rachel/ross blurry line that obv i wasnt gonna be so rash about it.

being the calm mama that i am, i explained to him why this made me so upset.
mistake #1: offering the slut a ride home. why did he feel compelled to be 'protective' of her? hes not her guardian. shes a big girl. if shes a slut that night, thats her decision, not his.
mistake #2 (which could have been avoided if he didnt make mistake #1!): exchanging numbers. WHA?!?! WHY?!?! that move is a total lose-lose bc it makes me look like an unwanted gf and him look like a sleazy scumbag. she might be thinkings hes taking another chicks number as a backup. plus, girls are competitive bitches and she just got a one up on a gf shes never met.

so i gave him a basic (and what i thought was common sense) rule to follow: dont do anything that you wouldnt want me to do. would he have wanted me to offer some guy a ride home? prob not. would he have been cool with me exchanging numbers with said guy. i would hope not. so has been his one 'pass' but im looking at it as a lesson. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me... or buh-bye you f-in bastard!

special mention:
my bro got into a car accident while making a left turn (the girl going straight hit his car). his reaction about a half hour later...
rich: now that i think about it, this is how james dean died.
me: he was making a left turn?
rich: nah. he was going straight.
me: that is the best post-accident line ive ever heard.

the l train beat my face

2007-11-08T16:54:00.000-05:00

literally. check out the pic:

and that was taken a day after the incident. seriously, a lil trip turned into one of the most traumatic commuting experiences of my life.

so i woke up tuesday with a fun agenda for the day. go to work, meet le join after work at forever 21 to burn a lil hole in the gift card dee and bri got me for my bday, then to my mans bk crib. well, none of that happened.

i got dressed for the day and proceeded to the l train to get myself to work at a decent time. ive been trying to get in earlier and i especially wanted to get to my cube early so i could leave at a normal time for some shopping.

with the fun day ahead of me, i walked to the l train in a pretty good mood. so i swiped my card and proceeded down the steps. for the past few weeks, everytime i would walk down a flight a stairs (which happens everyday as the mta in my main mode of transportation) i felt like i was about to fall. of course the one time i didnt get that uneasy feeling, BLAM! well, it was more like, bum bum bum bum whoaaa bum bum bum bum BANG. the bums is my legs sliding down a half flight of steps and the last BANG is my face hitting the handrail. yes, my face! the most surprising thing is that two girls stopped and stayed with me for a few mins. of course the first words outta my mouth was, "hows my nose?"

one of the girls said, "its not bleeding" which was followed by, "oh no, it is bleeding." cruisazy crazy. i was terrified id broken the beautiful nose ive had for 11 years. ah. i let the girls go when i saw the train coming. no use in having them late to their jobs. i had to sit for awhile and gather whatever composure i had left in me. an mta employee came up to me and asked if id like an ambulance. i declined. im a tough chica. besides, even though i have insurance, i really didnt want to deal with another bill.

so i got up and went outside to call my bosses. there was no way i was going to work today. i almost broke my most precious posession. maybe its bc aunt flo was coming to town but i started crying when i got on the phone. it was raining, my nose was bleeding, a station full of people saw me surf the stairs, and i had a bump on my face that was growing with each passing second. ok fine, my crying was justifiable.

thankfully, my bosses were totally understandable and told me to go home and stay home. and im great at following orders so thats exactly what i did. i went home and iced my face. i was literally too frightened to look at myself until i got home. im so glad i live in nyc. in any other city, id be a freak. in this one, i just looked like a regular.

most people know this story already but i thought i would document it. damn. it was tre tre tre traumatic. but really, what really compelled me to write this was the fact that i have a special mention. my bro gave me the best quote ever. obv, he did NOT have a quasimodo week like i have had.

special mention:
rich: i look so good i dont even look asian.
after buying new clothes

video games vs me

2007-11-04T12:56:00.000-05:00

guess whos winning? im so embarassed by the score yet these numbers are what compelled me to write about this. video games: 7, me: 3. only m-f'in 3!!! i even confronted the bastard about my sinking numbers and his response, "hon, im not a machine." well since he is NOT a machine, thats what i had to resort to for a few days. biatch. what mama wants, mama gets.

how silly of me to think that his vidiot time would start to dwindle when, after suffering three long and painful months of ghetto killing and stealing, my man had told me he finally beat grand theft auto san andreas. yes! no more, "im broad. im broad. im broader than broadway!" i never thought this glorious day would come.

argh. but its two weeks later and hes already found another mind numbing game to waste hours on. hours! hours of precious time he could be using on me! like right now. we're both in bed but hes got a freakin ps2 controller in his hands and ive got a keyboard under mine. not how i thought id be spending my lazy sunday afternoon.

ive decided i need a second tv in my apt. a much smaller one. (took a 20 hour break. my man caught me writing this and then my mood went from foul to happy. im so weak!) for him to resort to when his vidiot arm starts itching. then i can watch my glorious shows that he refuses to 'sit through' or spasms at after a period of time that can last from 30 seconds to 15 minutes. yeah. 15 minutes is the longest hes been able to take it.

did fate know id fall in love with a stubborn bastard? it trained me my whole life to be patient and to put the ones i love before me. life is ironic too bc the stubborn bastard is also the one whos been teaching and encouraging me to stand up for myself. to go for what i want. to put my foot down. i dont think he realized id be putting my foot down on him ;)

nah. i love the man. he loves me too. i know he never wants to hurt me. when he caught me writing this (i still havent told him about this blog. im not sure if i should although i do get urges sometimes.) he actually read the last two lines (damn his lasik. hes got like super-vision) and was like, "if somethings bothering you, i want you to tell me." i couldnt stay angry for long. im such a softie. and my numbers have gone up since i started writing this. im a scorpio. i need high numbers.

update - bloggers block or slutty sloth

2007-10-23T13:31:00.000-04:00

yeah. i havent written in a while. ive had a few "oooh, i should blog about that" moments, but none that have motivated me enough to actually do something though. ah. so i figured, might as well just jot these down into one little nifty update blog. bc my life is so damn entertaining. im sure my 3 readers are itching to hear all about my vida (non) loca.

last i wrote, i was about to "declare jihad" (thats a fave line of my mans) on the usps. bastards didnt deliver the fantastic gift i found for the lbs dad on time. so, my man and i showed up to his fathers bday dinner empty handed. boo. we explained the sitch, my man even turned my fury for the postal service into a cute character story, "ive never seen her so heated. she even wanted me to make an irate phone call." much to my complete surprise, the lbs 'rents had a gift for me! they knew my bday was at the end of the month and they werent sure if they would see me before then so they gave me a gift that night. seriously, the plushiest most comfiest robe ive ever laid my hands and eyes on. ive literally worn it every night since i got it. its like wearing heaven. loves it! enough about me, the point of this bullet... uh point is is that the slippers finally arrived and they are kickin' (pun slightly intended). we're planning on making a small trip to jersey this weekend to give the lb's dad his much awaited gift. i cant wait. i also cant wait to get my mans old copy of kiss the girls.

yes, the book by james patterson. i finished along came a spider two weeks ago so im eager to start the next book. i know. my man actually did it. hes been trying to ween me off of my fave rag mags and onto books. i know its partly bc of his disgust of the ridiculousness that celebrity has grown to be and also bc books are thicker than magazines hence keep me occupied for a longer period of time while hes being a vidiot. but im no submissive ho-bot. i agreed to try out this james patterson book bc reading is a good habit to pick up. it not only entertains me but my vocabulary with virtually no effort. ah, getting smart without trying. me likes that. especially the no trying part.

i have been trying to put my foot down a lil more. its time to please ME! my man and i get along in almost all the time. almost. our tastes in tv shows and movies could not be more polar opposites. his faves would please any manly (with a childish streak) man - sports, cartoons, action. my faves would please any celeb gossip, celeb-reality obsessed teen to twenties girl/gay man. normally, this wouldnt be such a big deal to a couple but considering at least 70% of the activities we do together consists of sitting in front of the boob tube, a fight or two is just waiting to erupt. im a free flowin' monkey. i just go along with the swing of things. my man is a stubborn cock. he wont budge if he doesnt want to. even though i hate confrontations, ive actually liked telling him that im putting on MY shows bc I want to. "'cause im a woman. w-o-m-a-n!" not like that just shuts him up but the fighting has been fun. im learning to stick up for myself. girl power!

"people of the world! spice up your life!" so no, im not one of the millions of girls who signed up for tix to the spice girls tour but i have been watching dancing with the stars. well, yeah i watch it every season but i must say, scary spice was a big draw to this season. shes most likely make it to the finale (which aint a shocker to me) but i must say im surprisingly liking jennie garth this season too. shes actually good. that cheetah girl should not be allowed on the show but then again, they let joey fatone compete last year so i guess its fair. seriously though, this is the year of mel b: gave birth to eddie murphy neglected daughter, got secretly hitched to some crook dude, got dna results proving her daughter is that nasty donkeys, became friends with his ex wife, is kicking ass on dwts and is getting ready to kick off a comeback tour. go scary! did i mention, her bod looks amazing. giving birth (and going on dwts) - the new hollywood diet.

even though its so against my mental and financial nature (5 bucks for a cup of joe!) ive been addicted to starbucks lately. first it was the chai latte. now its the simple vanilla lattes. not just lattes too but their pastries as well. whatevers looking good that day - banana nut loaf, pumpkin cream cheese muffins, but this has to got to stop. yeah sure, a last minute change of costumes for jamies party leaves me some breathing room (the original was a belly baring costume), but ive only got 2 months and 3 days til anguilla (yeah, i havent been counting down or anything) and i will not be prancing around in paradise looking like a beached whale. not this hot mama. i aint letting go of my crown!

before my rant about the usps, i was going to write one about driving. it sucks. maybe i have become a real city girl. yeah, one of my biggest pet peeves is foot traffic but honestly, its way way way better than car traffic. ugh, traffic, construction, idiot drivers, parking in nyc. these things just make me wanna mutter another fave line of my mans "THIS is why i dont own a shotgun bc everyone would be DEAD! (yeah, driving brings the best outta my man too.) trust me, i do have moments when a car would come in handy but those moments are so few they even all fall into the same category - heavy duty shopping. fine, having a car also lets me make random and spontaneous trips to li or nj but since the weather is getting colder, its harder to even get my lazy ass outta bed... or off the couch. and ive said this before and ill say it again, im a much calmer and happier person when im not driving. viva la mta!

"time goes by so (NOT) slowly." can you believe its almost november. im sure that month will fly by and then itll be december when i become the po'est ho ever. ugh. im scared to see the staff list of the do to to and then multiply each name by 15 or 20 to come up with the size of the dent thats gonna leave in my wallet. and this is for people im not even related to. or talk to... by choice. i dont mind giving. i like giving. i love giving. i just hate paying. hate hate hate paying.

ah, so as time ticks by, my laziness kicks in, harder and harder. i was gonna sprinkle this post with a bunch of links bc im sure there are a few terms or people that i have mentioned that my 3 readers may not know of but sloth is telling me to just publish this and go home. maybe ill come back and link this motha up. but for now, im going home. good night.

the us postal service - a bunch of motherfuckin' slow ass asshole morons

2007-10-06T17:03:00.000-04:00

can you tell by the title that i LOVE usps. now, i dont shop online too often but i like to surf the 'net when im looking for gifts or gift ideas for people. its basically my "research" before i actually go do the shopping. im an in n out type of shopper. so not a wandering try everything on type of shopper. i have the store and item in my head before i make the journey. anyhoo, my mans dad has a bday coming up and i really want to get him something super cool and fun bc thats what he is. plus hes easy to shop for bc hes got a sense a humor and a LOVE for the yankees (this love is the total opposite of my love for usps). anyhoo, so i got to crackin and found the most adorable plush yankee slippers that look like sneakers. they were so damn awesome that i ordered a pair for my man as well. just 'cause. anyhoo, i was beyond ecstatic about this stellar find. i didnt hestitate when i clicked on place order. since you have the backstory, now here is the timeline that started with a click of a button which grew into my LOVE for usps.

9/26 - hit confirm and do a small victory type dance in my cube. not only did i find a gift, but a kickass awesome one. woo hoo!
9/30 - 10/5 - expected arrival date range. woo hoo! just in time for the 10/6 bday dinner at lugers. yum!
9/30 - start my obsessive amazon.com track order checking. did i mention that this seller got crazy rave reviews. the stats looked good: 96% positive. awesome!
10/1 - 10/5 - freak out begins. tracking page says teh same thing day after day: "carrier notified to pick up package." who is the carrier? usps. im no dummy, i went straight to the usps site to track my package there. were the results any better? nah. exactly the same.
10/5 evening - after working a day at my parents store and realizing how much i hate driving (seriously, if i didnt LOVE the usps so much, id be blogging about driving) i track my package. ah! a glimmer of hope.
- 10/4 at 10:30 pm - arrives in Springfield, MA.
- 10/5 6:50pm: arrives in Jersey City, NJ.
omg. jersey city! i could spit on jersey city from my apt. theres a terrific chance the package will arrive on time!
10/6 so we should just kill usps. check the status.
- 10/6 7:19 am, arrives in 10036, recipient not home.
argh! my zip is NOT 10036 but im assuming that the usps shipped my package to ny post office so they can distribute it appropriately. check the hours for all post offices in 10036 and all go Monday - Friday no fuckin saturday and definitely no sunday.

so yeah, i hate the post office bc a. it took them 4 days to finally recognize my package had to be shipped. and then b. the same carrier who geniusly left for new york on a saturday when they should know that there are no post offices open on saturdays (remember, theyre from the same company). they wasted a trip and my high hopes.
so yeah, the usps is a bunch of lazy ass motherfuckin slow biatchy morons. now im going to this lovely luger dinner sans the best bday gift i could find. ASSHOLES!

special mention moment:
my man bought me flowers! theyre the first ive ever received. he got them just bc. thats so hot.

let the countdown begin!

2007-09-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

so i usually dont make the biggest deal about my bday. it happens every year, whats there to make such a fuss about? but my bday has been on my mind. not bc im turning 1 year older (and closer to the "dreaded" 3-0) but bc this one is different from my other bdays.

beyonce "all the women, who independent. throw your hands up at me." - true, i moved into my apt 3 days before my bday last year but now, im officially a city girl. its so official, it even says it on my license. where am i from? im from manhattan... biatch!
queen "can anybody find me, somebody to love?" - that question has been answered. i love the lb. my man loves me too. and hes gonna be here, with me, on my special day. he usually goes out to vegas during the halloween weekend to chill with his childhood friend craig but this year, hes staying in ny. not sure what we'll be doing but i have a pretty good idea (i sent him a detailed bday wish list).
lesley gore "its my party and ill cry if i want to." - or maybe, its not my party and thats why ill cry if i want to. october is always a crazy ass month with bdays galore but this month may take the title as the craziest and busiest. on top of the gajillion bdays, im starting a "new" job*, watching the store while the 'rents are on vacay, and dee is having treatments for her condition while residing in my apt. although i hoped for a bday brunch at my place, it doesnt look like itll happen as le joins trial period on li is still tentative and im quarantined from my place until dee is done with her health issues. as the song goes, "you would cry too if it happened to you."

ah, other than prolly not having a bday party, i cant complain. ive got my health, ive got my friends, ive got my bf :), and ive got a "new" job to look forward to.

*the word new is in quotes bc its not new new. after trying out my current gig for a few months, i knew it wasnt a right fit for me. then mediavest came a knockin' with a job op i couldnt refuse. i start in a lil over week (on the lbs dads bday, hes an october bday too!) and just cant wait. more money, fun agency perks, and just in time for the holidays. holla! december dinners. my belly cant wait!

seeing that i probably have everything i want and need at this point in my life - nyc apt: check, kickass friends: check, loving bf: check+, better salary: check - there are still some things that im too cheap to purchase myself. ah, must be the jew in me (insert naughty joke here). so ive compiled a(n edited) bday wish list... the bf got the unedited version. i know we're all strapped for cash and this isnt a list of stuff im asking for but simply a list of things that would be nice to receive. drum roll, please...

starbucks - yes. im addicted to this coffee devil. yes, i think its ridiculous to pay $5 for a cup of joe but damn is it tasty. plus, itll be damn convenient for me bc theres a starbucks in my soon to be office building. ah, i knew going back to the company would have its perks. now i wanna perk for me: caffeine from starbucks!
black headphones - yes its a strange request but i need it as much as it is strange. i listen to my ipod everyday and well my white headphones are anything but white. riding on the subway, and just being worn by me, it didnt have a chance staying white. now its a nice dirty shade of yellow/brown. i know nasty. thats why i need black headphones. cant see the dirt as much.
mani-pedi - i rarely ever get my nails done. mainly bc most nail salons are run by koreans and those ladies will talk shit about anyone. even if that person is korean and can understand what theyre saying. even so, i cant let their nasty ways keep me from getting my nails did. nah, its paying for it that keeps me away. its such a nice lil luxury for us women but what would make it extra special nice would be not having to pay for it.
free meal - mama likes to eat. and what makes food taste that much better, when its free! i dont need no fancy meal, id love a free subway sandwich and a free extra value meal. as my bf would say, "when it comes to food, im eop, equal opportunity." word yo.
people mag subscription - i have a subscription to ew and us weekly and i love them both so very much but people, people is my fave. its got the goss that i need, the real people stories that i like to read, plus a crossword puzzle that i can actually finish... in one sitting! its pricey as a motherf#$%!* hence it not mailed to me every week.
$$$$$ - yeah, my salary just got a lil bigger but that doesnt mean i wont accept money from others. and i can use them at my fave stores too: american apparel, dsw, h&m, daffys (my new fave!). living in the city has made me realize how cheap and greedy i am. feed my need!

so there it is. my 2007 bday wish list. notice i left out the really expensive stuff this year aka digital camera. i cant bring myself to ask for things like that. i like to live by treat people like you would want to be treated. i kinda feel the same way about gifts. if i cant dish it, i dont wanna take it. man, im like really awesome.

special mention:
jamie: you could find a fred flintstone on match.com.

shabbat to shiva

2007-08-31T11:26:00.001-04:00

this past week has been one lesson in judaism after another. i got to experience some traditions and meet more fam members of the lb. dee even sent me a text message yesterday saying, "wow you really surround yourself with (the family)." i guess i do. the more i meet another relative, the more i learn about my man and the more i love him and where he comes from. even in somber circumstances, the mood was never dark. who knew i would enjoy meeting other families.

last friday, my man and i went over to his maternal grandparents house for shabbat dinner. of course i didnt realize it would be "religious" until we walked through the door and i saw 3 yarmulkes lined up on the dinner table (the lbs bro and his gf were also at dinner). duh! its friday night. of course its shabbat. his grandparents are adorable and super sweet. plus dinner was super yummy: brisket and chicken. its nice to see grandparents can still be active and not fragile. all i can say is i genuinely had a great time hanging with the g'rents. the convos were entertaining and informative (we talked about the yiddish language and its origin) and the food was delicious. all in all, it was a great night.

saturday was spent chillin with the lb in his rents pool. we had the place to ourselves for the day and took full advantage of the privacy. good times. good times. sunday was an interesting day bc while i was working at my parents store, the lb spent the day with the faj. yes. the faj. the faj, brian and he went out to the driving range to hit some golf balls. the faj taught him how to swing and ultimately created a new golf fan. i caught the lb practicing his swing when we got back to his apt that night. so adorable!

tuesday morning i receive a call from the lb. his sad voice told me that his uncle (his fathers sisters husband) passed away that morning. uncle charlie had been sick for the past few years with a type of dementia the doctors couldnt diagnose. knowing that he was the lbs fave uncle, i wanted to support him as much as possible. he asked if i could accompany him to the funeral so i said yes. then i spoke with jiller and jamie to get some advice. i knew i would pay my respects by going to sit shiva later that week but i wanted to know what happens after the funeral. is there a special thing just for family, etc... i want to support my man but i didnt want to intrude on family stuff.

well after speaking with jiller and jamie, i decided to just go to the funeral. the burial and post burial shiva is for family. besides, i barely know his extended family. this would be strange. so when i met up with my man that night, he assumed i would accompany him to everything. his family is dying to meet me. well, one of them actually did. (ba dum bump! ill be here 'til 11 folks.) so i thought, why not. if anything, this will be a memorable way to meet the fam. instead of boring you with details, ill just give highlights and thoughts.

a. i thought my grandfajs funeral was big but this one had way more in attendance. true, my grandfaj died at age 96, long after many of his friends went towards the white light, and uncle charlie passed away at just 61. i realized that yes, the lb has a large family but he also grew up in a small town. well a small towny town where your hs substitute teacher is also your aunts best friend. and no this isnt some random example i thought of, this is true. i met her. lovely lady. needless to say, my man grew up in a loving and caring environment. his community is his family and everyone is there for each other.

b. a pebble, a rock, even some quarters. uncle charlie was buried at the family plot so not only did the family lay the beloved man to rest but they also got to visit their other loved ones. to show that you stopped by, you place a pebble or rock on the tombstone. actually, i also learned that you should place the rocks on the edge of the tombstone bc the granite can ruin the surface. i noticed one with quarters on it. the lbs father said the quarters are there so that the ones who visit can pay for the tolls they go through to come there. ah. jersey jewish humor. gotta love it.

c. people person. yeah i still dont believe i am one but maybe just maybe, i am becoming one. normally, a function like this would give me the heebie jeebies but i surprisingly wasnt uncomfotable at all. maybe its the love goggles or maybe im becoming a stronger better person bc of my man. when i fed him to the wolves aka my fam last sunday, he held his own and managed to squeeze out some info for himself. he asked le join if i seemed different these days and she replied that i speak up a lot more. i say whats on my mind and dont cower and back down like i used to. he liked taking some of that credit (and he deserves it). his alpha dog pep talks give me strength at times that i need it. i guess i wasnt as nervous as i thought i would be yesterday bc i know that my man loves me. all i had to do was show the awesome woman that he loves to his fam. i think i did bc i felt welcomed and thats just awesome.

although ive immersed myself in my mans fam, and quite enjoyed it too, i also had a time to step back and look at how ive been spending my life these days. i need to inject more of my "family" aka my friends in my days. i dont want to become the girl who disappears bc she has a bf and i know ive been slipping into that direction. i never thought i would. jiller made the balancing act look so damn easy. i know it takes effort and im a lazy bitch. (un)fortunately my bf is a lazy bitch too. can you see how and why ive been slipping. but im gonna get some traction. i need to be me and a big part of me is my friends. i love my bitches.

a do to to night

2007-08-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

i slept in my apt last night. in my bed. alone. no no no, things arent bad with me and the lb. it was just a rare occasion of us not spending our night together. he went to the yankee game with his dad and bro and i came home to walk the dogs and have dinner with my sisters. i say this was rare bc i cant remember the last time the lb and i slept apart. even though this was out of the ordinary, i think it came at a good time.

i came home and was still in my funky mood although not as funky as the night before. talking with my bf throughout the day made me feel a lot better. sure we're both selfish, but our selfish needs are actually to make the other one happy. this is why we work so well. plus, spending time with my sisters made me realize that ive got it goin on and goin pretty good too. i know right now, ive prob got it goin on the best. my health is in check, my job is in check, my social life is in check and check. plus, i look awesome! i was a lil jealous that my sisters spent the day together doing fun things like going out to eat and getting their nails did but of course a day with those two together is never smooth sailing. there were mini fights here and there but there were also big laughs too. ah, thats how the fam works.

so yesterday, dee did something super sweet and got me lunch. yup, since the two were in the 'hood, they stopped by my office and brought me lunch. so nice. money saved for me! when i met up with them, le join was being super quiet but stifling giggles. then after a few minutes, dee goes, "i won! you owe me 10 bucks." to le join. they had a bet if i would notice something. le join bet i would, dee bet i wouldnt (bc im a p-head whos oblivio). what didnt i notice? the two hos were wearing the same dress shirt. but to my defense, the dress shirts were two different colors and dee was wearing it like dress while le join wore it like a shirt with jean capris and a white tank underneath. whatever. maybe im walking around with foggy goggles. damn goggles.

ah, but the biggest laugh came at the nail salon. they went to a place thats owned by one of fajs friends (the jews got their accountants but the koreans got the grocery and nail salon hookups). ive been there once before but that was months ago when there was still snow on the ground. anyhoo, so the bobsey twins walk in to get their nails did and the ladies were asking questions. whos the oldest, yaddy yadda. they told them dee was the oldest and le join is the third. so the ladies go, "oh the other sister doesnt look anything like you guys. you guys look so much alike." duh! then dee mutters something like, "yeah bc shes thin!" lol. anyway, as they were walking out of the salon, they heard the ladies go, oh they look like twins, theyre even wearing matching clothes. lol! so i guess not everyone is as oblivio as i am.

anyway, i say the night apart came at a good time bc of a few reasons:
a. i was still in a funky mood although by the end of the night, the funk had gone away.
b. my man was at the yankee game and they lost so he went home in a more than funky mood.
c. aunt flo. when shes in town, i just wanna lounge and gorge on chocolate.

plus, the time apart (yes, the whole 24+ hours) made me realize that my funky mood really was just pms. watching dee and bri together also made me realize that i do NOT want petty little things to bother me and get me riled up as much as it does to dee. omg, she was literally beating up bri. i didnt witness it (le join did) but i could hear it from the other room. i love my sis but she is p-s-y-c-h-o! im gonna take my own advice that i give to dee, if something is bothering me and/or i want my man to do something, im just gonna tell/ask him. if i want something, i know he'll get it for me. i just have a problem asking. ugh, my sweethearted nature. why cant i just be a bitch sometimes? maybe ill just take my mans advice and be the ALPHA DOG! yeah, ill alpha dog his ass when i need to. its better than moping and blaming it on the crimson tide.

multiple choice: a. fam b. goggles c. pms

2007-08-16T15:07:00.000-04:00

ive been feeling not so great lately. i nearly broke down yesterday. that was just a mix of bad mta luck, bitchy sales people at work, and things not turning out the way i wanted/expected socially. amazingly, none of the probs dealt with my fam... not directly anyway. i guess my blues are linked to my man. i started seeing him in a different light and i dont like how its making me feel and act. i dont want little things to bother me yet thats exactly whats been going on. ugh. are the things my fam is saying true? are my love goggles starting to slip off of my eyes? am i just extra emotional bc aunt flo is in town? ive been telling my man my 'tude is bc of the latter latter. i dont want him to think hes done anything wrong. not yet anyway. i wanna pinpoint my probs and then address them. i dont wanna walk around and just accuse silly things.

a thing le join has mentioned to me a few weeks ago has really been brewing in my mind: keys. she wonders why the lb hasnt given me a set of keys to his apt. i must say that it hurt a lil when we ran into his next door neighbor and he mentioned giving her a set of keys just in case he locks himself out. he was being totally reasonable. who doesnt give a set of keys to their neighbors. but i guess i was hurt bc he thought of giving it to the neighbor without even thinking of giving me a set. am i just being a crazy gf aka a normal girl? ugh, normal with feelings.

honestly, i really dont need a set of keys. i always go his apt when hes there. (please, i would have no other reason to be there.) but there have been a few times when i trudge up those three flights of stairs and my darling is not home. the first time it happened, i got a surprise (remember the american apparel? i sure do!). but the last time just made me upset. i knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. i heard the tv but nothing else. then i called my man and he didnt pick up. not the first call, not the second, not the third. this prompted me to run down to the street. he was probably picking up dinner on the block (the man is a bit lazy, i know he aint walking more than a block). checked the bagel place and even tasti d-lite. nothing. i started to panick. where could he be? he finally called and told me he was eating at vera cruz (the restaurant directly below his apt, which also shut down the following day).

so i walked in and there he was sitting at the bar having some din din. chatting up the bartender and some other guy sitting two stools away. ah. thats what i love about him. place him anywhere, and he could talk to just about anybody. at the same time, that exact thing is what bugged me that night. he was too busy chatting it up that he couldnt even simply text me to let me know where he was. he knew i was on my way to see him. plus, this is also the same reason it takes him forever to leave anywhere. bc of convos with strangers. as we were leaving, he started a convo with some chick reading some rather large book. thankfully jiller called so i got to leave to talk to her outside. and i bet my man didnt even realize i was gone. am i being too selfish about his attention? i shouldnt expect it 24/7. hes a friendly guy. hes an aquarius.

actually, when i did an astrological match with our signs, the results werent too peachy. actually, this is the exact problem the stars said we would have. aquariuses want to be loved by the world while scorpios are just focused on one. while i just want his attention, he wants to talk to everyone. this actually happened last night (which was also the last straw to my pissy-ness, well one of the last ones). after my hectic day at work, i had a night of karaoke with my girls. since the place was only a few blocks away from my office, i planned on leaving straight from work. well, i planned on meeting the lb at my office and then going together. i know telling that man anything in advance goes in one ear and out the other so i planned on telling him during our afternoon im convo. well we didnt have an im convo yesterday but he did call me a lil before 6. i told him my plan and he said that he didnt think he'd be able to make it to my office in time. i was a bit hurt but said fine, he could meet us at the place. im still a strong independent woman. i can go to places on my own.

what irked me was why he came so late. he chose to please others instead of trying to make me happy. i received a call from him about 6:55pm. i asked where he was and he was at his next door neighbors apt. her bf has some sciatic leg so he stopped by with some herbal remedies. he was gonna leave in around 10 mins. his 10 mins, especially when theres herb around, is usually 30 mins so i just hung up and texted him the address of the karaoke place. so is the fam right -does he not appreciate me? are my love goggles wearing off - has he always been like this and im just noticing this now? is this pms - is this not a big deal and im just letting my emotions get the best of me?

so karaoke night was fun for the most part. i busted out to a song ive never sung before. ballroom blitz. i wanted to be just cassandra from waynes world. i may not look as good as she does in a short red dress but my bust out was pretty stellar. got some rave reviews and some looks of shock. the perf was great except for one thing missing: my bf. he didnt come in until a good 2-3 songs after. it was a strange but familiar pain which i was finally able to identify this morning. he missed my perf just like my fam missed all my (gymnastics) meets. like i wasnt important enough to them to make the effort to come out and see. i did so awesome and they missed it. ok, so the lb didnt know i was gonna pull a stellar perf. and i guess he didnt know it was important to me for him to come to this on time. heck i didnt even know it meant that much to me until after the damage had been done. is this just pms? is this another case of him not appreciating me? why and how does my fam get me to think like this each time? did they switch my love goggles with hate goggles?

another mini case of selfishness/unappreciating was on the subway ride home. i thought it was just me but adam noticed it too! my man started reading a book while we were riding the subway. adam came up to us and was like, "ill chat with cass since youre ignoring her with your book." im no fool. i started to take out my ipod. but again, is this him being selfish for wanting to read instead of talking to me or me being selfish for wanting his attention? do i want his attention or do i just crave attention from any man?

there was a time when i thought the phj was the grooviest. i loved the attention and affection i got from him. and like i said, he made me feel like sexy bitch. but once he went away, i realized that that was it, i just liked the attention. sure hes a cool guy, but i dont love him. ew. please. our last time together wasnt even that spectacular. thats when i knew i was completely over him... when i was under him (lol. sorry. had to add that pun!)

now that i (think i) got my love goggles off, ive realized, the lb is so similar to my fam. hes got dees mouth. will say whatever and whenever he pleases. and the example i gave above about missing my perf is so like my parents. am i a masochist who likes to torture herself?

i know actions say a lot, but so do his words. he knows when something is wrong with me and is the first person to ask how to fix it. i dont know why, but i just didnt have the heart to tell him that he was the problem. maybe im scared to tell him what i want for fear of disappointment. what if i told him that coming to karaoke on time would mean a lot to me and he still came late? i wouldve been ten times more upset. i guess i didnt tell him to come on time bc i didnt want to be a burden. id rather be the upset one than make someone else upset, angry, mad. is this just a habit i obtained from living with my sisters? easier to be in a slight displeasure than give them any displeasure at all. maybe this is all my fault. ive been too lenient with him that i cant bring myself to put my foot down. maybe im scared to put my foot down. scared that it will turn him off and away. maybe he likes me so much bc im so easy going. what if that easygoing-ness went away? but would i wanna be with someone who cant handle me putting my foot down at time? am i overanalyzing bc of a. my fam, b. the loss of love goggles, or c. pms?

ah, i still love the man. i know he loves me too. he hates seeing me down and will do just about anything to make me happy. he even said he likes worrying about me. ah. thats love. he thinks my down-ness may be due to my fams (dis)liking of him but hes gonna try really hard to change that around. oh, any man that will deal with my fam willingly is a man who loves me. maybe ill voice out how i feel although now i understand all those normal girls. sure its simple, tell a man what to do and he will do it. but sometimes you want your man to just know what you want and do it before you ask. its nice and considerate. that lil extra step can go miles and miles. damn feelings. how do i just keep the good ones and get rid of the bad ones? is there a pill? can someone prescribe them to me?

torn

2007-08-07T12:09:00.000-04:00

i had a feeling it would come. how could it not. its my family. they never did like outsiders. even if i love this outsider, they would never take him in with open arms... at least not right away. i cried last night. i didnt cry my eyes out but i did shed enough tears to wake up with puffy eyes. this really made me wish i was still going to jill r but i went to the next best (and probably even better) person, i went to jiller.

i basically got ganged up on by my sisters even though they "tried their hardest not to gang up on me." they sat side by side as they rattled off a list of what they dislike about my bf. theyre happy that im happy but thats about it. sure, my bf has crossed the line a few times but they were never ever done intentionally. a lot of the things they listed off was financial stuff. he should pay for this, shouldve paid for that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i didnt want a bf so i can get free meals. what he gives me has no monetary value. the beatles were right, money cant buy me love.

i guess the faj was trying to prepare me for the sisterly gang up when we spoke about the lb the day before. actually, my whole family has told me before that it seems like i like him more than he likes me but they also think that im "better" than he is (they think im physically more attractive and that im such a giver and hes a taker) so in their eyes, hes a guy who doesnt deserve me. the faj said that when you really like someone, you dont just treat that person well but their friends and family too. and of course the examples he gave me dealt with money.

he told me a story of a woman who was going to marry my uncle (the fajs older brother). my uncle dated this lady and then left for the states, telling her he'll come back for her. while he was away, the lady came by the house every morning to check on my grandparents and would take my father out to eat as he was a poor young man who just got back from the military. the faj thought this lady was awesome, that she was gonna be a great sister in law. of course, my uncle (being the good looking man that he was) didnt keep his promise and ended up marrying a psycho hose beast he met in the states (i can call her that now bc they divorced a few years ago and that bitch basically brainwashed her kids, my cousins, into shunning us chuns). the faj was so heartbroken for the nice lady.

the point of the story was was that she loved my uncle so much that she went that extra mile to be nice and giving to his family. maybe its a cultural thing. the bending over backwards to everyone in that persons life. the thing is, even though i want my family to like my bf, i dont want him jumping through hoops either. i dont want him to change around my family. i love him for who he is. i know there are a few things that we can do to makes things a little better but i also know that this animosity isnt going to completely go away. the females in my fam are never satisfied, hence the constant bitterness. it broke my heart when i asked the maj if she liked my bf and she just replied, "well you cant expect me to like him right away, i barely know him." i really felt my heart shatter. why cant the fact that he loves me and makes me happy be enough for her to like him.

as i was a ball of angry tears, i called up jiller. she knows a thing or two about having a bf that the parents arent the biggest fans of plus shes been in the same financial sitch with the bf too. i was also upset bc le join said my friends probably feel the same way about my bf too. all they ever say is, well he makes her happy. she thinks they dont actually like him. i had to get a real answer, and thats why i called the jiller. in just a matter of seconds, she made me feel better. she said she liked my bf and that hes a great guy. she loves what hes done to me. hes done a number on my confidence. my friends just arent used to me always being with someone else. understandable.

as the tears dried up and the anger subsided, i got to think about this situation with a clearer head. this is basically just another viscious cycle of my family not understanding that my friends and bf are just as important to me as family is. i dont think my family gets that bc none of my siblings really has any close friends (some dont even have friends). i also think its ironic that dee trash talks her bf all the f-in time yet my parents love him like one of their own (prob bc hes taken one of their own off their hands, for a bit anyway). its also funny how things that annoy dee about my bf are the same qualities that she has in herself. ahhh, as jill r would, thats called projection.

even though this sucks sucks sucks, last night was a breakthrough. it really made me realize how much i do love the lb and how comfortable i am when im with him. we completely follow our total honesty rule and i really just spilled all my fears to him. i told him i was scared that my family was gonna break us up. i also told him i was scared he would start to resent me bc i have it so easy with his fam and hes got it hard with mine. its just not fair. i cried to him. he saw me cry. it was actually the first time hes seen me cry, except for maybe a few tears from watching a sappy movie or commercial (hey, im sensitive!). but the fact that i was able to tell him all the things i was feeling instead of keeping it bottled up inside like i usually do, i was scared and relieved at the same time. i love this man. i do i do i do. and like he said, we cant choose our family and they will always be there. yes. but i chose to love the lb and im not changing my mind. i know he loves me too.

so for now, i think i should keep interactions between my high maintenance fam and my bf to a minimum. usually this would mean, just less time with the fam but considering that dee is going into surgery tomorrow, this means splitting my time between the man i love and the fam that shows me love through harsh tear inducing criticisms. fan-f'in-tabulous.

feel my body gettin cold (so cold, so cold)

2007-08-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

heard this song a few weeks ago at jillers sisters bday party. jiller and jamie and i busted out to it for old times sake. then last night, i randomly caught this perf on the tele... AND it was at the lbs apt! normally it wouldnt be a big deal but the lb is what i like to call (affectionately, of course) a remote nazi. his place, his tv. well, ive been working on breaking down his tv walls but let me tell you, it is not an easy feat. anyhoo, i got the man to turn back to this wyclef perf. the song sounded familiar. then i realized it was 911! the clef sounded pretty good. then miss mjb walked out on stage and... just watch the vid below. gotta love youtube. gotta love the clef. gotta love mjb. "someone please call 911. tell them i just been shot down. and the bullets in my heart. and its piercing through my soul. feel my body getting cold."

love goggles

2007-07-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

the past two weeks, ive been playing the role of mediator between dee and bri. i know from personal experiences that dee isnt the easiest person to deal with but i also know that bri can do things to make life easier (ive become a pro at the dee landmine game). its been strange though, bc ive seen a few relationships around me go through some rocky times while im in happy happy couple-land. then dee told me that the faj said i totally have love goggles on. anything and everything the lb does looks fantastic from my eyes... bc of the love goggles.

i thought that was so silly until the past two days. my man has been illin in a kinda embarassing way, and well, it didnt phase me. not one bit. the lb said i am one cool ass chica for dealing with him. ah. i guess it is love. its the love goggles. but you know what, i really dont care. ive realized that im embracing all the teasing from my friends and family bc i finally got what ive always wanted and thats to be in love. of course, im doing love my way. without the nauseating baby talk and googly googly eyes.

remember my faith in fate? well fate f-in rocks! the more i look back on how things happened, the more i realize that they happened for good reason. im no risk taker. please. i cant even bring myself to the 50 cent slot machines. this relationship though, giving the lb the ultimatum, was a risk yes, but not a huge one. why? bc i knew he liked me. the only risk was, did he like his independence more. im glad i trumped the independence... and i bet he is too... well he better be!

im gonna enjoy my time with the love goggles. i know this honeymoon period isnt gonna last forever. there will come a time when little things will start to annoy me about him and vice versa. i may have these goggles on but theyre not foggy. im no fool. actually, i think im on my second set of love goggles. the first set got me mad whenever someone would say something even slightly negative about my man. it felt like they were attacking me and not him. now whenever someone teases my man, i laugh along bc i see that persons pov yet i dont care that my man is the way he is, bc i love him. hehe. hence the second set of love goggles.

who knows how many more sets of goggles ill be wearing in the future. im hoping my eyes wont need 'em as times passes by. even so, im gonna enjoy my time now. as they say in hairspray: without love, life is like the seasons with no summer. without love, lifes like rock n roll with no drummer... [baby] never set me free. no no noooooo.

special mention:
brenda walsh: brandon, she is bothered to the extreme. i wouldnt be surprised if she was a hard core stoner.
talking about emily valentine, the float ep

evolution of a kj - korean jew (of course!)

2007-07-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

me: i always say, korean by blood, jewish by heart
me: haha
dee: That's cute
dee: I just don't get how u wanna be sucha jew
me: all of my best friends are jewish
dee: If [the lb] wasn't jewish would u like him?
me: yes.
me: but the jewish thing is a nice lil bonus
me: i dont know, its like, when i came to syo, the jews welcomed me with open arms
me: i went to temple in first grade
me: had friday night shabbat dinner at gena u's house
me: and thought everyone was just so nice
dee: Intersting
me: and the bar/bat mitzvahs... they had me at shalom.

how did i, once a painfully shy and almost as painfully thin little korean girl, become such a pro-jew twinkie? the sibs and i all grew up in the same jewy town. how did i become the only one who actually knows what l'chaim means? its funny bc the brosef and i had a convo last week about our friends. literally, all of my best friends are jewish. sure i have close friends who arent, but my main hardcore girlies (and boy... whos really one of the girls, love ya ad!) are all jewsteins. and i love 'em. but the brosef rich, not so. actually the group of ex-friends that chose his hobag ex gf over him were jewish but his new clan, not so. weird.

maybe i grew up in my own jewy jew world. really. i honestly got used to having 90% of the people i meet be jewish that when i entered the "real world" aka got my first job, i was stunned and shocked to find out that hardly anyone was jewish. hmmmm, maybe thats why i yearned for a job in the entertainment biz. id be surrounded by jews again. weird. heres a mini jew chronology of me:

october 1986 - move to syosset aka jewland, usa. one of my first friends invites me over for friday night shabbat dinner and im awed and interested by the singing they do before the delicious meal. i go to temple the following saturday morning, and although i was scared that people would treat me weird bc i didnt look like everyone else, they were nice. almost had the feeling they wanted me to convert but alas, i knew my korean parents would not be up for it.

1989 - the first time i heard the word bar mitzvah. dee got her first invite in the mail. the theme was tennis and the invitation had a pop up tennis net thingy on it. i thought it was glamorous. my parents thought it was crazy. the invites probably cost more than any wedding invitation theyve ever received (and they were probably right too). seeing dee get all dressed up to go to these hours long parties and come back with a gift of her own (usually a snazzy tee shirt) i just couldnt wait til i was invited to bar/bat mitzvahs myself. seriously, the only good thing about middle school are the mitzvahs.

1991 - 1993 - my very first bat mitzvah was actually for a friend i had from gymnastics. you would think i would remember her name but im drawing a blank. anyhoo, that bat mitzvah was cool bc then when the first school friends bat mitzvah came up (it was ayelets. at least i remembered that), i was able to say, this isnt my first bat mitzvah, like all the other jews who have been to previous ones (for family im sure). most memorable:

jillers - obv! not just bc shes my bf too. a. her theme was cool (club jill) and the place cards were even cooler (maps of the tables with an x marking your spot, obv i was at the deis). best part of her party: her mc. if i remember correctly, his name was mike and he looked like my future crush, andrew b who coincidentally lived on jillers block. not so cool part: girl didnt give a candle to ALL her friends. i think this was like one of the only mitzvahs i didnt go up for a candle. nerve! another cool part: jiller didnt give the usual t-shirt. homegirl gave away club jill (obv, pre-jiller time) boxers.

jamies - obv! and not just bc shes one of the few readers of this here blog. her theme was one i havent seen before (jamie-opoly), her mom danced like a hot mama (pam sandwich) and one of her dancers flipped into one of the chandeliers. plus, i think that bat mitzvah i came home with the most chachkis. a key chain, a picture mug, two framed pics, and of course, the "i landed on free parking at jamies bat mitzvah" t-shirt. and the room next door was also holding a bat mitzvah for an asian girl. man was i jello and so wanted that to be me.

robbie g - hes kinda insignificant really. i knew him since 1st grade but he was one of those kids who was in school like maybe once a month bc he was always sick or whathaveyou. this bar mitzvah is on this list though bc i won the limbo contest. my prize - a mr wendell cassette single. i know. how awesome. whatEVer. i got to show of my limber skills. if only i was that limber now. (naughty naughty thoughts). this was also the first bar mitzvah where i actually saw the silly boys i went to school with try to steal beer from behind the bar. i was so innocent. prancing around asking for shirley temples all night (and thinking i was the shit bc i was asking for shirley temples) while the boys were stealing booze.

2004 - the first time i realize that the whole world isnt jewish. i went through all of grade school and even college in my '90% of the world is jewish' mentality. when i get my first real job in the real real world (on long island, no less) only a few people were jewish and they werent as hip as the ones i grew up with. wha? preposterous! but i do let a kickass jew into my world, my therapist jill r. proof that jews rock!

2006- now - yes, my closest friends are jewish. yes, my bf is jewish. even my past two bosses (current and last) are jewish too. coincidence? yes but maybe its a sign. or maybe ive evolved. will there be an addition to this evolutionary list? like 2010 - converted. who knows. i never say never but like i said before, i believe religion is just a big story with a bunch of rules attached to it. then again, those chair rides look like such fun. maybe im a tkj - torn korean jew. who knew.

special mention:
brandon walsh - hey guys don't go away mad.
emily valentine - yeah, just go away!
euphoria ep

todays letter of the day: a

2007-07-20T11:37:00.001-04:00

a is for appreciation. a is for american apparel! my most flavorite store ever! i seriously need to meet dov charney and let him molest me so i can get an unlimited amount of free shiz from aa. the clothes are comfy, the designs are simple (just plain solid colors), and the cuts are fun. love love love that store. thing is, i havent stepped foot into an aa in a while. my wallet wont allow it since it knows if i do walk into one, my money will be falling out and into the registers. i can be so weak.

anyhoo, i called my man last night to let him know i was on my way to his place in bk. i asked where he was bc when i called an hour earlier, he was at roccos place. he said he couldnt disclose his whereabouts. it was a surprise. hmmmm. what could it be? i know hes not the cheesy romantic type and it wasnt any special day, so i couldnt think of what the surprise could be. so i just went to the subway, put on my ipod and read my us weekly. as soon as i got out of the subway, i ran up to his apt (and thats a lot considering he lives in a walk up, damn 3 stories). i knocked on his door, and no one answered. i got a lil miffed. i ran up 3 flights! i called the lb and he was downstairs waiting for a pizza. so i ran back down the stairs to see my man (and my surprise).

he waited for me outside the restaurant and said heres your surprise, while pulling a big american apparel bag from behind him. WHA?! the man went shopping and bought ME clothes. from my FAVE FAVE FAVE store. i wanted to eat him i was so happy. my man bought me two skirts and a pair of shorts. so damn adorable. he said he was walking around exploring his new hood and saw that aa was open so he walked inside. true, he needed to get some underwear, but he didnt have to pick anything up for me. he did anyway. ah, my love. my man. oooh, another a word is popping into my head: awesome! he mentioned later that night that lately hes been talking to his buds and hearing stories from others about troubled relationships. then he realized that hes got it pretty damn good with me and well im most definitely sure that his gift from aa was a sign of appreciation for me and what weve got.

since his cable isnt getting set up til tomorrow, our nights together havent been filled with sportscenter and such. but its ok. we werent dying of boredom. we were actually content just lying in bed and talking. seriously and literally. this is why we work. bc at the root of it, we're friends. i know some people are counting down the days til we start fighting but honestly, i believe theyll be counting for a long time. we even had a convo about what bothers us about each other and besides his remote nazi ways, we couldnt think of anything. i know, you probably hate us. i would hate us. i cant believe ive become this. happy couple girl. i wouldve killed me if me from two years ago met the current me. amazing how time can change people. hey, another a word: amazing.

empathy - a sibling update

2007-07-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

so. after i published the previous not so nice post, i had a long talk with the live-in sib. our talk was actually productive and even though weve had similar talks like those before, only for things to go to shit a few weeks later, i really think we made some progress. some big changes may happen which i dont want to disclose until if and when they actually do. and, i didnt rip le join a new asshole either. like i said, i cant be mean to someone unless theyre being mean to me and of course when we spoke, she was nice and cordial. how could i respond with my guns ablazing? so we talked, shed a few tears, talked some more, and now, i think we're on same wave. i unloaded all the things that were bothering me with some of her responses being quite bogus but in the end, i think i taught and opened her eyes to a lot. a lot about respect. respect for other people and especially respect for me.

i also felt horrible for having the previous up in cyberland after i spoke with le join but after reading it again, all the words i wrote were true. she did do all those things. it wasnt talking shit but stating some facts. i did however, feel the need to write this too. shes not a bitch. just a currently unhappy person. thats what we shed a few tears about. as mean as she can be to me at times, i still want her to be happy. shes my sister and i know shes a good person (who can unleash a nasty nasty 'tude). its just, just a strange time for me.

yeah, ive got some probs of my own (mostly financial) but as a whole, im happy scrappy hero pup. its hard to see my sister(s) be the opposite. le join is unhappy, and dees got health issues and relationship probs. is this karma biting them in the butt? its strange. ive longed for the hot awesome sister crown for so long and now that ive got it, i cant really enjoy it bc of the sitches my sibs are in. makes me feel like i shouldnt enjoy my newfound happiness or at least guilty for having it. am i too empathetic? am i too jewish putting all this guilt on myself? are koreans really asians disguised as jews? questions questions.

le join - i love you and want you to be happy. do whatever you gotta do. i got your back.
dee - hope youre health gets back on the right track and you learn to let things go and just trust. let the man live a little. hes not your prisoner.

special mention:
steve: donna, no one brings shoulder pads on a camping trip!
from my fave ep of 9-0

mean match

2007-07-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

*a little preface to this post - i actually let this sit unpublished for a few days bc i thought it was not nice to be ranting about this person. maybe she was just having a bad day/week/whathaveyou. she cant be mean ALL the time. well, that bitch is a just that, a bitch, and well, every word you are about to read is true true tuh-rue. bitch needs to get that stick outta her ass and into her p-hole stat! ima puttin my foot down, while using the other foot to beat her ass! enjoy the post.*

im not talking about a couple. im talking about fear and respect. why do those things have to go together? (to the tune of yellow submarine) why do i live with a crazy psycho bitch. a mean psycho bitch. a mis-er-a-ble bitch. i really do live by the whole 'treat people like you would want to be treated' mantra so i try to be nice to everyone. even when theyre throwing verbal daggers at me, i still try and keep myself calm and collected. last night baffled me though.

actually had a nice dinner with the live in sib before i made my way out to the bk to see my bf. i consoled her as she was contemplating what to do with her life. she loves her job but hates the pay. plus, her one true friend decided to move back home to tennessee, this news came to her right after dee bawled her out telling her she will live and die alone with the 'tude she has. even though i was still kinda reeling over the last two nights bc her 'tude hurt my feelings, i put my qualms aside and instead aided my sib. actually left the apt not hating le join. when i got to bk, i called up le join and after what i thought was a pleasant and quick call, bitch hangs up on me. such a pet peeve of mine. why? bc its so damn disrespectful.

then, then, i come home during lunch today to find yet another dirty shirt of hers on my bed. i say another dirty shirt bc its not the first time this has happened. oh man. her reactions will get your heads spinning and steaming. first time it happened, i threw the shirt back onto her bed bc its her shirt and crazy bitch yells at me!

crazy bitch: what are you doing?!
me: putting your shirt on your bed.
crazy bitch: i dont want that on my bed. its dirty.
me: well then what the hell is it doing on my bed?
crazy bitch: youre never home anyway so who cares what goes there.

bitch. bitch. bitch. miserable bitch. bitch also crashes on my bed when shes in dirty clothes. meanwhile, her bed doesnt even have sheets on it and her comforter is crustomatic. plus, her dog sleeps with her in her bed. dog hair and bone crumbs. but yeah, my beds the nasty one thats ok to throw dirty clothes on. the bed that gets slept in maybe once a week. yeah, that makes sense. the lb says i should just throw her clothes in the garbage the next time she does it. dee agrees. i just dont have the heart to do it though. am i too nice?

dee im-ed me today and it really got me thinking:
dee: you've told her several times not to do it
dee: and still she does it and then YELLS at you when you correct it
dee: this is unacceptable in my eyes
dee: she does not fear or respect you
dee: she really doesnt with me either but definitely more with me and even rich than you
dee: hence her reaction to this entire sitch
dee: and the way she bad mouths you in front of your bf
dee: unacceptable

oh yeah, i dont think i mentioned the last thing here yet on this lovely blog aka rant-o-sphere of mine. basically, i had the lb over for some dinner and dexter a few weeks ago. i was wearing a cute skirt bc im a cute girl and le join goes something like, "if that skirt were any shorter, you could catch something." or something nasty to that effect. well, then the lb goes, "i like the way she dresses... you know, you just need to get laid." my man was just sticking up for me (its part of the bf contract) but that last line (although its true) really hit le join the wrong way. it was kinda nasty and yes, he did cross the line but le join started the whole schpiel and caused him to pull out the big guns.

anyway, what got me thinking was the fear and respect line. do i have to be scary to be respected? why cant i be nice and still get respect? does nice = weak? i really dont like treating people badly. i cant even watch people getting treated like shit. it hurts my heart. but is that what i have to do in order to not get stomped on by that heavy bitchy sister of mine? also, i cant be mean when someone is being nice to me, even if they really hurt my feelings the day before. am i weak? am i sensitive? am i just stoned? hehe. i wish!

actually the end of those days has begun. the lb and i finished the last of the stash. goodbye green, hello gym. sure, itll be a tough withdrawal, but at least ill look smokin' hot with tight abs and all. mama is gonna look f.i.n.e. for anguilla. hooray for beaches in december!

livin in the 'burg - easy breezy

2007-07-02T10:16:00.000-04:00

woo hoo! my man found an apt, and just in the nick of time. spent the weekend packing, moving, and unpacking so there really was no time to mourn leaving his awesome place in his terminally hip (former) 'hood. besides, i always say this and ill say it again: everything happens for a reason. even though there were a few minor bumps on the way (a tiny electrical outage during the move in, loss of a samurai sword) and the unpacking isnt completely done, we can totally tell his apt is going to come out pretty nicely with his (who knew he had so much shit) things, and his new 'hood quite resembles his old one (same amount of hipness and convenience). the lb is now a bk man. he moved to the 'burg.

i must admit, i did have a few worries when i heard he was looking outside of manhattan, especially when he mentioned the jerz. i even flat out told him that i wouldnt be able to stay over as much (aka everyday) bc i have a life and apt of my own. thankfully, everything has fallen into place. his new apt is practically as close as his last and is actually more convenient to get to.

the 'burg'in it list of easy breeziness:

1. subway. yeah theres a subway sandwich a block away from his place but im talkin mta subway. even though my own apt is in south bumblefuck (as the lb likes to call it) i still think its fantastic bc its got subways galore. westside, eastside, i can get anywhere without having to walk more than a block. ah, traveling to my babes apt in the winter will be no problemo. his apt is just down the block (not even a whole block!) from the train. less walking = happy cassie =)

2. convenience stores. bodegas. delis. no matter what you call them there still f-in awesome. walk out his building and step to the left, theres one or take a couple of steps to the right and theres another! although im gonna try to curb my late night snack attacks, its nice to know that they can be fulfilled whenever i please. im all about instant gratification.

3. hungry hungry hippos. mexican restaurant right below. bagel place a few doors down. i can probably throw rocks at a handfull of eateries from his window. plus, the lb has already found a good pizza place around the corner which is so key for any new yorker.

4. "the windows are the eyes of the apt." speaking of windows, his view is fantastic. if you cant be living there, might as well have a nice view of it. yeah man, you can see the nyc skyline from his window! chillin on his bed staring at the city is pretty stellar. ah, seeing it from his fire escape (or rooftop) on the 4th will be pretty cool too. good times ahead.

5. rocco and candice. word yo. chillin with these peeps are good times. heck, even just sitting back and watching them converse with each other is entertaining. and they are just a hop, skip, and a few blocks away. yay! candice and i can go shopping while the boys can do their vidiot thing. woo hoo!

there is a minor inconvenience that im not too happy about. the girls in the 'hood. sure, his old 'hood had silly hos on every corner but they were college hos aka walking stds. the 'burg is hip and is filled with hip chicks in their twenties, hip chicks with jobs, hip chicks that will most likely be eaten by my mans hungry eyes. as long as his head (the one below the shoulders) doesnt go near 'em, ill be ok. but he even (jokingly) mentioned that his new 'hood is giving me some competition and i warned him he does NOT want my scorpion stinger to come creeping out. the thing is, i dont want my scorpion stinger to come out. i hate how i am when i get jealous. its pretty nasty. im no fool and i know you cant control a mans eyes (and head), but if he ever acts upon his urges to go astray, the ho will be taken out in one swift quick move(shes not worth taking much time and effort) and the lb will become the t.e.d.b. (tortured and eventually dead bear). oh yeah, no man should ever mess with a scorpio but no person should ever mess with a chun. im basically a double threat. beware!

ba da da da daaaaa... we're 'burg-in it!

special mention:
kelly taylor: vegetable corsages are terminally hip and thats exactly how i want you to look, you know, just in case i win spring princess.
one of the best eps of 9-0: spring dance (doin' the best that i caaaan)

slightly cloudy skies

2007-06-28T14:27:00.000-04:00

im not talking about the nyc weather. please, then the title would be hot and humid and hot and humid. im talking about my lovey dovey lala land. yeah, so my lb has been in ultra stress mode these past few weeks. he needs to leave his apt by saturday but still needs to find a new place to move to. yeah, high stress times. the apt hunt has taken him so long bc his budget kept fluctuating due to minor issues hes been having with his 'rents... about his rent. the issues with the folks have been resolved but his apt search is still going on.

so its called slightly cloudy bc i havent had any major stressful issues. just my man. but we've been dealing with them together. i like that i can help him by just being there for him but i always want to do more. i want to take his problems away completely. but then again, i believe everything happens for a reason and maybe this is a big reality check for him. except instead of just kicking his ass, its kicked him in the nuts too. damn, big dilemma, little time. not fun to deal with.

this post is also called slightly cloudy bc thats how my/our life will be. less (smoke) clouds. yup, the lb and i are about to kick that habit. one of the issues the lb had been having with his 'rents was their wanting him to quit the greenery (its times like these im glad that parental denial is on my side). he called it blackmail bc they wouldnt help him out with his apt sitch unless he quit. his view on that issue was that if he was going to kick the habit, he would do it on his own terms. plus, hes a bit worried that quitting would change him. it had been such a big part of his life. a big part of his image.

funny thing is is that i had that same convo with myself internally. do my herbal refreshments make me, me? i realized it does not. im still awesome even when my eyes arent droopy. and i know the ganj isnt why i love the lb. i love him bc hes funny, entertaining, intelligent, caring, and not so bad on the eyes too. plus, this new way will make us more active. we'll spend less time on the couch... no matter which neighborhood or even borough or even possibly state (yes, he may looking in jersey. nyaaa!) his couch ends up. and this new movement goes along with my fun plans for summer. plus, more activity = more cardio = hotter bods for december in anguilla!

this new page in life could be a blessing in disguise. ew. did i just sound like paris hilton? anyhoo, im not calling my quitting a "no greens forever" type of deal. itll just be an end to my regular herbal consumption although if im at a party and that smell is in the air, im following that intoxicating aroma. man, this is gonna be a rough withdrawal. le join says i have an addictive nature. the whole fam does. so i just need to find a healthy addiction to replace the my herbal addiction. maybe ill finally learn how to ride a bike. i can start with my pink razor scooter.

man, its been a crazy year and ive only gone through half of it. ive really grown up these past 6 months. i just hope i dont grow bigger during the second half of '07. i do know that when i look back on this year, ill be proud of myself. taking care of my responsibilities, living my life the way i want to live it. on my own. its pretty cool bc im pretty awesome. no more holden caufield syndrome. growing up is cool.

summertime - time to appreciate

2007-06-27T15:03:00.001-04:00

its summer. ok, so summer started about a week ago but it really hasnt felt like summer until today. oh yeah, today feels like a ny summer. hot, humid and hot. its times like these im glad i have a job in an air conditioned office. either way, this summer is gonna be different from the other 25 summers ive had before. why, you ask. its my first summer living in the city, the coveted city ive longed to live in for so long. also, its my first summer with a boyfriend! even though getting him was a gradual process, it still changed the way i live pretty abruptly. after having some heart to hearts with my closest friends, im gonna find a middle ground between the way i was and the way i am now. of course i love spending time with my lb, i love that man, but i cant abandon the people who helped me through my hard times, the people ive shared so many good times with, the people who love me for me.

jamie and mike had a housewarming party last week for their new jamie-tized apt and i went there solo (the lb was in nh with his fam for a wedding). i always say things happen for a reason and im glad that things worked the way they did and i went there alone. i got to spend some time with my close buds and realize that i can still have fun when im not in lovey dovey lala land with my man. its just weird, being on the non-cheese (stands alone) boat. ive spent most of my life complaining and now i find myself preaching on about how life is good. its all about the attitude. damn. i dont think love makes you blind, it makes you ridiculously stupid.

so since jamie and mikes party, a few things happened that made me step out of my lala land box, and really look at life. damn reality checks. first, was georgias wedding. georgia was one of my best friends in high school. my memories of shs are filled with moments of the three of us - georgia, jiller, me. it was strange seeing one of us get married and enter a whole new world. then it made me think back on a convo that i had with the hpj. he said, we're at the age when we hear that a friend is dating someone, that new bf/gf can ultimately be the one.

of course while georgia was up front doing her vows thing, i did the brenda walsh thing (during jackie taylors wedding to mel silver) and daydreamed about what it would be like if it were me. naturally, i freaked out. my parents voices nagged through my head, you dont just marry the person but the whole family. do i have the heart to let someone marry into my crazy family? sometimes i think i try to be overly awesome to make up for the craziness that is my family. i dont know if ill end up with the lb but if i do, ill feel so guilty. his family is so damn cool and my fam is so damn cold. ooooh, they make me shiver. anyway, im not sweating it at all. that is a long time to come, if it ever does. as jamie and i said during our spring break '06, ill cross that bridge (if) when i cross it.

so after all the weddings, (the lb had his cousins in nh, i had georgias), i reunited with my bf (we were apart for 4 days! i know i know. only 4 days but we havent been apart for that long of a stretch of time since my cruise back in february), and had a great double date dinner with dee and bree (hehe. brians new nickname whenever i mention him with dee). everyone got along famously. it was just a great way to end the weekend. the next day was my last day at my job as i would be starting my new one on tuesday. i figured might as well just dive into the new job. im a dweller. the more free time i have, the more i would get all nervous and anxious about going to a new place.

so my monday really felt like a friday bc it was an ending. this was when the second reality check kicked my ass. dee went to the thyroid doc the week before and they found a growth which they biopsied. she got the results that day and let me know that she has thyroid cancer. yes. cancer. not a typo. it took all my strength to fight back my tears as typed in thyroid cancer into google. the thought of losing my sister... i cant even think of it without losing it. my tears started to go away as i kept reading. the type she has is the most curable and she will not need chemo. the thyroid is the only gland that can absorb iodine which kills cancer, hence the no chemo. relief! her spicy words will live on!

even though ive complained about her before, my relationship with dee has been the best its ever been. sure, we still disagree but now i speak my mind and she actually listens. she listens and empathizes. instead of getting mad when the maj and faj pit her between me and them, she listens and helps us resolve the issue. same with issues i have with le join. hmmm, maybe its me with the problem. ugh, another reality check. damn i hate those.

anyhoo, i started out this post to write about summer. how this summer will be better than the rest bc im in the city and i got a man. maybe itll be better bc i will appreciate things a lot more. appreciate my sister. appreciate money. being po fo sho this year really made me learn the value of a dollar... and the awesomeness of coupons. appreciate opportunities and seize them. ive read about fun summer events in the city for the past few years and wished i could go to them. now i can. plus i can do these activities while being that bitch i always hated, the bitch with the boyfriend. movies in the park, concerts in the park, even just plain walking around... in the park. i live in a gorgeous neighborhood and i plan on exploring it... solo, dolo, triolo, whatever.

my summertime theme is appreciate life. where you are now, where youre heading to in the future. just appreciate it. appreciate my awesome hot self. maybe even focus on making myself hotter (hello! been to my gym twice since i moved in last october). appreciate and actually use the things ive got. strive to get the things i want. i just wanna live and im gonna.

desperate special mention:
jamie: she figured her life couldnt get any worse, so she joined jdate.

j-day

2007-06-11T17:27:00.000-04:00

judgement day. pretty much describes yesterday. the long awaited bday bbq for dee but really, it was a "test" for my lb. sure, he already met the fam but this was the first time he'd be hanging out with all of them, together. needless to say, i was a bit nervous. not bc of him. the lb is awesome when it comes to social situations. i love that i can throw him in any sitch and know that he'll be a-ok. nah, i was more nervous about my fam. id like to think im the easiest person to deal with from my fam. definitely the easiest female (and no, you pervos, i dont mean easy like im a ho). i knew there was a good chance for some roadbumps in this journey but the lb handled it like a pro racecar driver. man, do i love this man.

challenge #1 - the car ride to li with dee
worries - i let my lb drive but dont get me wrong, i wasnt worried about his driving. i was worried about the backseat driving from dee. shes a person who likes to be in control. passengers dont have control.
results - a surprisingly nice drive. barely hit any traffic. sure, we had to stop short bc of an asshole driver on the lie but everyone arrived to the li house in one piece. besides, shooshoomon monshooshoo (aka beans) was so adorable with his head breezing out the window, who could get angry?

challenge #2 - the maj
worries - i love the maj but she is the family landmine. make a wrong step and kaBOOM! even though you think a spot doesnt have an explosive, youd be surprised. the oddest things just tick her off.
results - so our arrival wasnt met with open arms. the maj was peeved from the first second she saw gio. he hasnt been groomed in a while and she was pissed that his hair grew so long he could barely see. the answer, we dont have enough money, wasnt cutting it with her either. in the end though, my lb managed to crack her hard shell and... (just read the good moves section below).

challenge #3 - the faj
worries - so i get my easygoing-ness from the faj but he really didnt get a chance to know my lb from the last meeting. my awesome bf came to the house with ammo though. so thoughtful. so awesome.
results - i havent received an official word from the faj yet but when he told me last night that ive become a much happier funner person, i knew that he knew it was bc of my lb. love bear!

challenge #4 - le join
worries - not too many worries really bc shes met him before and hasnt said a mean thing about him (and this is le join so that is a HUGE thing - homegirl has something negative to say about everyone!) but it is le join. she is a bit bitter and a lot angry. cant predict what will come out of her mouth.
results - thankfully the negative stuff spewing out of her trap was NOT about my bf. woo hoo! plus, he laughed at what she was saying so i think that earned him bonus points.

now, this fun day wasnt all bc of luck. my man came prepared. he made some choice moves that even melted the majs cold heart. now thats talent!

good move #1 - "im a man, of course i know how to bbq!"
the maj was pretty unpleasant for most of the afternoon bc of gios non-grooming. (landmine!) so when it was coming close to dinnertime, i was wondering why the bbq grill hasnt been started. the maj was waiting for the faj and brian to come home from work. well those two arent the only men who know how to work a grill. the lb can bbq too. and he did! seeing the majs eyes light up when i told her lb can start the grill made my eyes light up. ahhh, the cracking has begun.

good move #2 - plaaaaaaay ball!
my intuitive man remembered the convo he had with the faj when they first met. they talked... baseball (shocker!). the faj told lb he used to play first base and whatdya know. the lb had a 1st baseman glove along with his own "baby" (catchers mitt). so he brought both over with a ball so he can play catch with the faj. well the gloves got more use than expected bc the lb also threw the ball around with my brosef rich and brian. its amazing how excited a man can get just by mentioning throwing a ball around. whatever. it worked.

good move #3 - sing sing karaoke
ok, so i warned the lb about the karaoke-ness that goes on in my house. he knew he was gonna have to sing one way or another. much to my surprise, while my lb was singing, i saw the maj get up from her chair and start clapping along. yes! the melting process has begun. we actually got the whole fam singing. thats actually a first. whoa nelly. i think i got a good one.

surprisingly, there was a special mention player to this day and it is very surprising: it was brian! the lb pulled me aside and told me brian gave him a tip about korean culture: when pouring a beverage for an elder (the faj) you must use both hands. thanks brian! you can fill the lb in on the spots i miss. my brosef was chill as usual but extremely exhausted as he had just gotten back from his prom weekend (and just 2 hours of sleep).

so j-day was a-ok. food - good. people - funny. times - fun.

special mention:
jamie: do you have any seating positions available?
pondering on leaving her teaching job.

he loves me, yeah yeah yeah

2007-06-04T11:47:00.000-04:00

he loves me, and you know i should be glad. glad. ecstatic is more like it. he dropped the l-bomb and i threw it right back at him. even though i had a feeling it was coming, it was still a surprise when it did happen. sure the lb (ive decided to call him love-bear bc a. he loves me and b. hes my big cuddly bear) kept dancing around the l-word for a few weeks so i just thought he'd be dancing around it longer. he dropped it. and i caught it. and i love it... and him.

the title is the safety net so when i got it, i felt relieved. no more "risks" involved. the l-word, love, love is the bulletproof vest. i dont just feel safe but almost invincible. now, im no fool. i know guys will always have wandering eyes. like the lb once told me, "dont matter where he gets his appetite from as long as he eats at home." well since he loves me, i know fo sho that he doesnt "eat at home" bc he feels obligated to (comes with the title) but bc he wants to. love. love. love. awesome.

but there is that other saying, "love it blind." i may have been "blind" this past weekend when i said yes to us meeting up with an old friend of the lb's. yes, an old friend. this girl had the same sitch i had with the lb when he was just the btj a few years ago but my man told me that if that girl gave him an ultimatum, he wouldve turned her down. hmmm, maybe it was out of curiosity or pure love-blinding stupidity, but when this girl invited us to meet up with her at her friends bday party, i told the lb, "sure, lets go."

much to my (pleasant) surprise, this girl had nothing on me, biggest non-threat ever. sure, it helped that she gained weight since the lb last saw her but yeah, i felt pretty awesome. well, awesome and disgusted with myself. why disgusted? bc as much as i try to fight it, ive totally become the girl ive always hated. the lovey dovey schmoopy (the lb's word) girl who is always on her bf. what have i become?! whatEVer. the lb loves me!

so how do i know i love the lb? ive never loved someone i wasnt related to. so how do i know? i know bc he makes me happy. even at my low and stressful times (and ive had them, especially with my current financial status), i havent fallen into the dark space that took jill r two years to get me out of. i havent even come close. with him in my life, theres always a light. and when i see or feel like hes slipping to sad times, all i want to do is grab him and pull him out (add perverted joke here).

thinking about how i met my man and the relationship weve had since really amazes me. started as friends, added some lust and then grew into love.

special mention:
jamie: try teaching a room full of kids when you feel like you have a brick laying on your head.
an ailing jamie after a hard day of work

mchappy mcdream

2007-05-21T14:12:00.000-04:00

ok ive said it before but i really mean it this time. im so happy i almost hate myself. seriously, ive recently said "ive become one of those people i used to hate... im in a couple" well i think its even worse now. yeah, im totally in the happy cutesy couple phase. whoa, right. and please, dont mcwake me from this mcdream. im so mchappy.

so the bf had his first official bf responsibility this weekend: accompanying me to my friend jords engagement party. it was his debut for my syo hos. the friends ive had since middle school but see about once a month, if that. even though i dont see or even talk to my syo hos, its always great to see them. catch up on some hometown gossip, but also think about where i am now and where im going.

its funny bc half of this group of girls is engaged and i really dont even have an ounce of jealousy towards any of them. sure im ridiculously happy in my ridiculously awesome relationship, but the thought of putting a wedding together right now, ugh. no thanks. its way too much work for a lazy girl like me. besides, im still in happy title-land and id like to enjoy my time here for a while.

there was a moment from the party thats been stuck in my head. lil miss krista ann was talking to me and the bf and said something like, "well cassie doesnt have an jewelry on" and i was like, "noooooo way are we even there yet" but then krista ann goes, "im not talking about the ring but other stuff would be nice" wink wink. im sure having a bf with money and getting expensive and jeweled gifts would be nice, but id rather be with someone that i like, regardless of whats in his wallet.

and thats when i knew it. the bf and i are totally happy scrappy hero pup. lately when ive been getting the "you look great" comments, theyre almost always followed by "you look really happy." so the feelings on the inside really do show on the outside. seeing as im so up, there couldnt possibly be any downs. but there are... well is. there is one that i can think of.

ive lost that non loving feeling. i know my strengths are my rants and lately i havent had anything to rant about... hence the lack of quality posts. im afraid my happiness will result in a loss of readers. yeah, all 3 of you. so if there arent any updates lately, just know that im mchappy in my mcdream. mmmmmhmmmmm, im mclovin it!

ps i need a new name for the bf. mcjewy? mcscrewy? mcfunny? mcyummy? may possibly end up as the sb... sugar bear.

family meal

2007-05-09T13:35:00.000-04:00

(to the tune of i shot the sheriff) i met the family. and i didnt want to kill myself. ok fine. i met the bfs fam before but this was the first time we spent time together without a ballgame to distract us. went to dinner with the bfs fam to celebrate "mothers day tuesday" as his father described it. his 'rents are going away this weekend so they decided to celebrate the holiday before they flew off to anguilla. i wasnt too nervous about dinner bc i did meet them before and they all seemed laid back and cool but still, first meal. its a first. firsts are always... they make me anxious.

anyway, this dinner totally explained how my bf is and why and thats pretty awesome. the fam is cool and entertaining. my man is so much like his old man. his mom is totally how he described her, "typical jewish mom" but shes got cute quirks about her thats so adorable. a lot of humor in that fam. i loved watching the interactions he had with his older bro and how different they are from each other. on our way to the gelato store for dessert, his father randomly shouts out, who wants shirts. both my bf and his bro run into the store except seconds later i see my bf sprinting outta the place. "i wouldnt be caught dead wearing anything from that store." but his dad and bro stayed there a few more mins and came out with a shopping bag. hysterical. the bros gf is pretty cool. shes got spunk. thats awesome. boring chicks are the worst and that she is not.

so i thought the night would be family centric... around his fam. but it wasnt. after our lovely and very filling meal, the bf and i went back to his apt. we were just chillin on the couch (shocker!), watching tv (double shocker!), when i got a call from my brosef. he was having a mini hs drama dilemma. since the bf already met my brosef, he offered up his worldly man advice to him. the brosef ended up calling back twice but by the end of the night, the brosef said, "i feel much better about this and myself." i felt like we just had an impromptu jill r session. awesome. what was even more adorable was that the bf felt really good about helping my brosef out. he sees a lot of his old self in my brosef and knows he totally needs an older brother right now. this totally melted my heart. i wanted to sqeeze him and hug him just like elmira from tiny toons.

so the easy family meal is outta the way (and hopefully more will come in the future), but the hard one should be coming up. yeah, when he meets my fam. dun dun DUNH! im sure itll be more awkward than scary. well actually, awkward from my parents but scary from my sisters. le join re-met the bf last friday night at the aims bday party and she said hes a nice guy and would like to spend more time with him. dee and the 'rents are the last ones to meet him. yeah, i saved the scariest for last. i remember the first time the hpj met dee. i was in cali visiting both of them. i stayed at the hpjs the first night and we called dee to get directions to her place. he handed the phone back to me and goes, "your sister just yelled at me." yeah, that was the first time they had spoken. im keeping my fingers crossed for the bf.

special mention:
a mothers day tuesday moment.
the bfs bro got their mom mothers day scratch off lottery card.
their dad takes the card.
bfs dad: let me put on my glasses.
puts on glasses and begins reading.
bfs dad: scratch and see if any of your boxes match the symbol in the rewards box.
scratches all boxes.
bfs dad: aw honey, you didnt win. you couldve won a boot or diamond.
me: a boot? can i see the card?
looks at card. roaring laughter begins.
me: its bouquet not boot. its B-Q-U-T not B-O-O-T.
bfs mom: those glasses really worked, didnt they.

no dough diet

2007-05-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

and no. im not talkin atkins. please. try and move the bread basket away from me and expect a knuckle sandwich in the face from la mama herself. im talkin the bein po' fo sho diet. when i finally buckled down and took care of my financial catastrophic status, i knew months and possibly even years of starvation were to follow. i was upset. i cried. it sucks to know that you cant go and grab some starbucks whenever you want. this summer wont be as jamba filled as i would like it to be. but its ok. why? bc i look fabulous.

now, im sure most of my glowing fabulosity is from my "honeymoon" phase endorphins. i really am truly duly happy. and the saying is true, if you feel happy inside, itll show on the outside. but when random people (and even my sister) say that ive lost weight, it makes me wonder, am i really losing some poundage? and if yes, how so? well, its common knowledge that to lose weight you gotta watch what you eat and up the exercise. the past few days, ive realized i have been doing this but almost subconsciously. dieting can be fun when you dont even realize youre doing it.

EAT - my food intake has decreased mucho but i believe its a combo of my po fo sho-ness and having the btj as my bf...fo real! po fo sho means no extravagant dinners or even simple take out lunches. word. plus, having no dough automatically turns your survival skills radar on. even if that includes socializing with others. so when i cant go out to lunch or even pack a lunch (usually due to the fact that im too lazy to make one but can also be bc theres nothing at home to pack) you gotta start scavenging. luckily, i work in an office where there are a lot of catered meetings. now, i used to only go to meetings that served meals. hey, gotta prioritize right? but then i realized, you can still get some grub, even if youre not a part of the meeting. leftovers are always shared with the rest of the floor. this is when the socializing comes in handy. i have allies on 3 floors. so 4 floors of free food covered. nice.

the bf helps with the food intake too. and no, im not one of those girls who cant eat in front of boys. please. when all my female classmates were just standing around bc they didnt wanna look like fatasses, i was waiting in front of the kitchen door so i could get first dibs on the appetizers. hey, at bar/bat mitzvahs, cocktail hour is when the choice eats roll out. so yeah, i still eat what i want, but i dont ever get to the im gonna burst full feeling. why? bc i share. and when i share with my bf, its usually 75:25, him:me. who needs the zone diet when ive got my bf.

EXERCISE - yeah yeah, i totally get in the obvious couple-y aerobic activity daily, maybe thats why the endorphins havent gone away, but i have been more active than i usually am. i give this credit to... my metro card. yeah, the metro card makes me walk extra blocks i wouldnt have to endure if i took cabs but since im a broke joker, it literally pains me to pay for cabs. the only time a cab is acceptable is if i am with a group of people and i am in heels. must be that combo only. oh yeah, and bad weather too. but the temps have been rising and since ive been lookin cute to boot, i dont mind the walkin. so yeah, the metro not only makes me walk, but climb too. damn stairs. but i figure not only is it aerobic, but the stairs can turn this into calesthenics too.

ive also realized, stairs are everywhere. subway stations. the lines that run two flights underground are killer. then again, its a small inconvenience for a cheap ride. ill take it. theres also the stairs to the bridge over the brooklyn battery tunnel thats behind my apt building. those arent so bad but its still a climb. last set of steps i endure daily are the ones to the bf apt. yeah man, 3 story walk up. i realized this weekend how used to the stairs i am. the brosef met the bf and nearly killed me for making him walk up the steps. too bad the bf will be moving next month. to where is still to be determined.

so virtually, i just have to keep on keepin on the way ive been keepin on to maintain my slim physique. who knew just livin can be such a great diet.

special mention:
jamie: its called fun.

addicted

2007-04-24T12:52:00.000-04:00

yeah. ive totally become one of those. those people i used to hate but really only hated bc i secretly wanted to be them. yeah man, im in a couple... and i love it. hehe. i still giggle when i drop the bf bomb but i love that i can say it legitimately. nothing major has changed. definitely a smooth transition. actually, i kinda held back on the "transition"-ing to not scare the man. please, i bawled my eyes out bc i believed his fear of commitment would win over his feelings for me. of course, i started out walking on eggshells but now, im walking on sunshine. uh huh. and doesnt it feel good. it does. validation, appreciation, companionship. its f-in awesome. we're not the annoying, hand-holding, gaze into each others eyes type of couple. we're more like a dance down the block, get each others jokes, giggly type of couple.

im sure, actually, i know we're probably in the honeymoon period. the "very glad i chose you, you chose me, im so smart bc i have such a kickin partner" phase. i realized this when we were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. g-man was over sans his gf (rich girl "sally" i mentioned in an earlier post). sally was back in england and their last few days together werent ideal. lets just say she left him with scars, and im not just talking emotional. rock candy also came by. rock candy are my fave of the bfs friends. theyre just the most entertaining couple. sure, theyre both actors too but i dont think thats why they fascinate me so much. i seriously can watch "the rock and candy show" all day.

so we're all sitting in the bfs apt, chillin with our pot luck dutch when g-man and rock start swapping battle wound stories. yes, wounds from their gfs. the bf and i just looked at each other and were like, i seriously hope we dont get to that point. nyaaa. im not a physical person. please, i have trouble confronting people let alone hitting them. i couldnt imagine getting so mad at my man that id wanna physically hurt him. and thats when it dawned on me: we're totally in the honeymoon period. actually, our whole time together has been smooth sailing. no real bickering which kinda scares me. is this the calm before the storm? or are we both just laid back lazy f-ers (literally and figuratively) who dont want to be bothered with silly fights?

another relationship rumination thats been brewin in my mind lately. addiction. no, this isnt about the greenery. le join mentioned this to me a few weeks ago when my time spent with the bf (this is when he was still the btj) grew and my nights in my own bed dwindled down. she said i have an addictive nature and that my new addiction is him. hmmmm. i found this funny and even joked with him that hes like a drug to me. is he though? does something or someone that makes you feel good considered a drug? if so, consider me a crackhead to his crack. can i get another hit?

so as i rode the subway this morning, the word "addicted" kept popping into my head. then i remembered the song addicted by simple plan. jiller and i loved that song. so i looked through my ipod and lo and behold, i had it (thanks le join)! then i listened to the song and it totally does NOT describe how i feel about my relationship but its still totally catchy as hell. then i thought of my fave kelly clarkson track also called addicted and yeah, its a downer. i guess "addicted" has a negative undertone. maybe i need to find a new word.

special mention:
jamie: im not used to this role reversal. i used to be the star. now im like 'man in store.'
about her (lack of) popularity during lunchtime

btj to bf... fo reals!

2007-04-11T11:52:00.000-04:00

ha. i think even the stars saw it coming. my horoscope for today:

"Whether you realize it or not, you just passed a major milestone. Are you surprised that it was much easier than you thought? Your long-cherished goal is clearly in sight thanks to all of these recent experiences."

word. so i sent the btj an ultimatum via email - i know, kind of a pussy bitch way to do it but i knew it was the only way to get all of my points across without getting distracted and manipulated - and we had "the talk" last night. i truly believed "the talk" would end up becoming "the goodbye." i even went to the bathroom beforehand to steal some toilet paper so i can wipe my tears with it when i left his apt. well, the tp went straight into the garbage and i left with a smile on my face.

this was much easier than i thought it would be. hell, i wouldve done it sooner if i knew it wouldve been this easy. but im still a true believer in fate and fate is about timing. it was time to put my foot down and ask for what i deserve. ha. i have a bf. im someones gf. its almost kind of surreal. nothing has really changed and thats how i want it to be. i didnt ask for the title to get fancy meals and fun gifts. im not a greedy bitch. i just needed the validation, the respect, the appreciation. i know what a hot commodity i am. if the stupid bastard wasnt gonna claim me, than i was gonna go out and find someone who will.

im not gonna lie. i was a wreck when i sent the email. i absolutely hate endings, especially when its something good but i knew i couldnt be in the in between stage any longer. sure, i cried my eyes out. it was actually the first time i cried over a boy. and that moment made me realize i am normal and not emotionally detached, the way ive tried to be for so long. now i know. its better to have feelings. sure the downs really suck big hairy balls but the ups are such great highs that its worth the "down" trips. thats why i didnt go on meds. i didnt want to be neutral (aka emotionally detached) forever.

so yeah. i have a bf! i feel like such a little kid. happy and excited. i get to change my status on my online profiles. omg. im such a loser. i hope i dont become one of those girls who drops "and my boyfriend" in every convo. if i do, you have my permission to slap me. just be careful with my nose.

relationship forecast: perpetual doormat

2007-04-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

ive been down and out lately. my financial status isnt ideal although the reasons for why that is is worth the few years of woes. but like the saying goes, misery loves company so instead of investing all of my dark thoughts on my money, i let it creep to my "love" life as well. yeah it hurts but i needed this reality kick in the butt and only i could really give myself that wacking. i knew the reality check was coming but i guess what really triggered my foot to get kicking was news i heard from adam. he realized he deserved more than what he had and broke up with his bf. at least he had a legitimate bf to break up with. im still in no title land.

to really clear my head, i wrote a fake letter to the btj. i wasnt sure what the point was gonna be when i wrote it, but when it was complete, i felt great. well, i felt great that i wrote an awesome letter but im still feeling crappy about this relationship. then i spoke with dee and well, i started to feel crappy about all relationships. any relationship to come in the future. why? bc i realized i will forever be a doormat. read the aim convo i had with dee below:

dee: he was like 'would u let her(this really rich girl, lets call her sally) sleep with me for 2mil'
dee: i was like 'shes over paying but yeah!'
dee: guys are fucking dogs like that
dee: im sure as much as bri loves me if i said you can go cheat he would in a heart beat
dee: like he said yester 'i say no to the "sally" sitch cause i dont want to be tortured by you for the rest of my life'
dee: not...'cause i dont want to' or 'i dont want to be with another chick' etc b/c he doesnt want to be tortured by me!

so is that the secret? in order to keep a man, you have to nag him? scare him into not straying? basically be a controlling bitch. hmmm, maybe the book was right. or maybe they should change the title from why men love bitches to how bitches keep their men. honestly, this made me more depressed than i was before.

this convo basically shattered my dreams of finding a man who will want me. i have to come to terms with the fact that monogamy is a myth when it comes to men. but im not gonna lie. when i meet a guy, or in most of my cases, when i will potentially meet a guy, my goal isnt to find out if i like him but to make him want me. i get this crazy need to be wanted. is this stemming from daddy issues? who knows. i dont think i was the neglected one in the fam. why the desperate urge to be liked?

i guess im taking this "news" kinda hard bc i worked so hard to build up my self confidence. two years of therapy plus a lot of faith in myself along with the greatest friends a girl could ask for helped me realize what a package i am. so of course im gonna be upset when i find out that even a kickin package like myself is not enough to hold a man down. ugh, with people as difficult as these fuckers, why do i want one so badly?

so when i see a man not stray from his gf, i have to realize its bc the gf is a b.i.t.c.h. makes sense. ive seen dee with lots of bf's and i think she ended it with them most of the time. and lets not kid ourselves, dee isnt little miss nicey nice. homegirl is a bitch. in a good sense... if youre not her bf. ive witnessed one of her bfs (sure he was the biggest pussy bitch out of all them) hysterically cry bc she mentioned breaking up with him. thats the most extreme case but i have seen others put their tails between their legs and do whatever she says.

i dont want to scare/threaten a man into doing what i want him to do. i want him to do it bc he wants to. is this just another fantasy of mine? will this never come true? sure i can be a bitch, but only to people i truly despise. i dont know how to be bitchy to someone i like. will this cause me to be a doormat in every relationship i will ever be in? do nice guys really finish last?

what i do know is i have to do something about my sitch with the btj. even though its gonna hurt, i think i know what the outcome is gonna be. goodbye fun workouts, hello gym.

special mention:
jamie: write this on a post it - 'im a fun rich bitch'

what spring brings

2007-04-03T11:28:00.000-04:00

although my cruise wasnt the ideal vacation i had hoped for it did make me yearn for the warmer seasons that much more. yeah, partly bc i love how i look when my skin is sunkissed but mostly bc of the clothes. true, i love wearing boots. theyre like the "as comfy as heels are gonna get" shoes and makes me look and feel fantab. however, you can only do jeans and sweaters for so long. and yeah, this year more than ever, the short skirt and boots combo were acceptable but every time i pulled off that look (and even though i know i looked super hot) i still had that "im a dirty tramp" feeling. did i like it? hmmmmm, kinda sorta.

but im ready. ready for skirts again. ready to wear 'em and still feel like a lady... during work days. im more excited about the cute skirts to wear on the weekends. check out my 'hood, walk by the water, check out the eye candy, be the eye candy. i try not to make my life like a fashion show. i like to think i wear things bc i feel good in them. not bc its the hot new trend (#1 reason why i did not fall into the leggings fad, well that and the fear of having camel toe). however when the weather gets warmer, i feel like you notice people a lot more. maybe its bc theyre not covered in hats and scarves.

so the btj and i actually did something productive. we left his apt! we went shopping! and we was a walkin'. seriously felt like he couldnt walk a block without indulging in some eye candy. and notingly pointing it out to me. i took it in stride though. either bc im extremely stupid or extremely confident. then he asked why i wasnt participating in the eye candy game. truth is, i dont really notice my eye candy as much as guys do with theirs. i dont know if its bc theyre hornier, their standards are lower, theyre ALWAYS actively looking, who knows. but the thing is, when i do see some eye candy, i walk away disappointed half the time. not bc theyre monets (although that does happen occasionally) but bc theyre probably gay. funny how when a guy finds out a girls a lesbo, they get turned on even more but when a girl finds out a guy is gay she ends up feeling stupid.

whats gonna happen when the temps start rising? will i start using the loop hole thats holding me back from a silly title? will the btj and i start to get sick of each other and call it quits? will the btj realize what a fine ass woman i am or will his mother incessantly remind him that im not a jew (a la meryl streep in prime)? will i ever go to another yankee game in those kickass seats of his? things to ponder as the weather gets warmer.

skinny exes: a threat.... not to me =)

2007-03-29T18:21:00.000-04:00

if you didnt know already, things with the btj have been pretty smooth and a lot of fun. its strange how much fun you can have with a person while doing absolutely nothing. so you can imagine how i felt when i checked my calendar and saw a packed ass week. work events, party and errands on long island; my lazy ass was having a bd just thinking about it. no time for doing nothing? booooooooooooooo! so naturally i busted out of a work event early last night. yeah, its a surprise i even went at all but the aim was gonna be there since her company was sponsoring it and well, that was reason enough for me to go.

so as i left the bar and walked to the subway, i rang up the btj. much to my surprise, he was NOT staying in his apt and was going out to a local bar to meet a friend. actually, an old girlfriend from high school. no not a friend whos a girl but an ex-girlfriend. yup. naturally he invited me to go and gave me the "reassurance" that his relationship with this chica was totally platonic now. totally felt like i was in a tizzy-tastic carrie bradshaw moment and i blurted out, ok see you soon.

as i rode the subway, i tried to keep myself calm and cool. this should be an interesting experience or could possibly be a bad one. my inner selves were arguing with each other: this is a bad idea, i shouldnt have called him in the first place/i have the busiest 3 days ahead of me, might as well have a session with my "man" when i can. then as i started walking to the bar, i almost turned around twice to call him and say i wasnt feeling well and that i was going home. but i couldnt let myself do that. im trying to confront situations, not run away from them and besides, this wasnt something scary. whats there to run away from. so i walked into the bar with a smile on my face and a nice attitude to exude.

luckily the two sat right in the front of the bar so it wasnt hard to miss them. sat down got a beer and had a nice convo... yeah right. you know i was analyzing this girl from the second i saw her. im a woman. we're judgemental. we size up any girl who comes our way. even if she isnt a "threat" to us. its just natural. anyhoo, first thing i noticed was that this girl was thin thin thin. normally that fact alone wouldve sent me into suicidal mode but i guess my new "im awesome" attitude is kinda instilled in me. no skinny bitch can bring me down. then i noticed how quiet she is. she wasnt mute or anything but her voice is very low (volume not tone) and i had to lean on my lip reading skills to figure out what she was saying. she was also very sweet. very nice. found out her slim physique was due to her years in ballet. homegirl only stopped dancing about a year and a half ago. she started when she was 5. word.

couldnt tell if she still had feelings for el btj though. there were a few brief moments when i felt like cameron diaz in my best friends wedding. the scene when they all go to the karaoke bar and julia and dermott are reliving their glory days and cams just like, i love venice... crickets. but i said, those moments were few and brief. the btj is actually really cool like that, made everyone feel comfortable in a not so comfy situation. so after about an hour and a half of nursing a cold amstel light and listening to ok live bar music, the btj and i left for his apt and he let me in on the history between him and the skinny ballerina.

he basically dated this dancer the summer between high school and college. didnt end things on the greatest terms bc he was a boy about to enter college and we all know what male teens think about college. so he ran into her a few years ago and well, theyve kept in touch. who really cares about this anyway. this is about ME!

the truth is, im glad i went to the bar and didnt chicken out of it. if i didnt go then i wouldnt have had a heart to heart with the btj. after talking about the chica, we just did our thing back at his apt but also had some deep convos. we basically told each other why we're so loco. i guess the best part was how i felt at the end of the night. i felt great. i felt like a not so skinny but still a hot girl whos not as shy as i once thought and i really do have a rapist wit. ok, maybe not a rapist wit but i can definitely sprinkle in my little quirky jabs in convos here and there. i really like me. and thats just awesome.