i died a lil today

weddings. theyre on my mind so much that theyve even taken over my dreams. damn, and im NOT the one whos getting married. nuts. so dee finally picked a place and date for her wedding which makes this happening that much more real. its nuts. like i said, i wouldnt start dieting until she picked a date (and then push the diet start date by a week bc of mother nature and the "aunt" due this week) and i wouldnt work on the wedding website until then either.

so thats what i did today. i worked on their site. i wanted to summarize their relationship in a cute paragraph so that i can show the world how adorable and compatible these two are without babbling on and on about it. after lunch, the words started to flow right outta me. i think i did an ok job with it. i already had the really good pics ready to upload. typed out the words and checked out the work. fantastic. and since i had some free time, i decided to do some weddingchannel.com stalking.

please. people may deny doing this but i know they do, type in a random persons name to see if theyre getting hitched. now, there was this guy in hs that i was OBSESSED with. oh, this beautiful man, who yes, was a year below me in school but technically was just a mere few months younger than me (yes, just like my current bf and no! this is not my mo, the liking of younger dudes, maybe it is.) was so gorgeous that his code name was god as in nothing can be hotter than he (mmmmm). ive been cyber-stalking him from time to time, checking to see if hes on friendster, myspace, and facebook, but i would always end up empty handed. even google had a hard time coming up with search results. this guy is like non-existent in cyberland. so yeah, every now and then id go on weddingchannel.com and type in his name and then breathe a sigh of relief when the site doesnt recognize it.

so today, after i completed my sisters wedding site, i typed in god's name and lo and behold, a finding popped up with a girls name that could totally be of a ho that he would date (yeah, shes jewish and yeah, of course he is too! bc that is def my mo). so my stomached dropped to the floor along with my jaw but my fingers could not stop moving. i opened a new window and signed on facebook asap and typed in this ho's name. could it be? maybe theres another god out there with the same name. so i looked up the slutty fiance and sure enough she had a profile with pics, pics of him. of god. in all his glory. with a full head of hair. maybe its bc jillers hs crush is losing his hair but i braced myself for a balding god when i didnt need to. hes got his hair, and his good looks and if i saw him today, id still call him god. yum. yum. yum.

so of course, i im'ed the one person who would feel the impact of this news almost as much as me: jiller! jiller has been with me through all my crazy god obsessing stages. she understood the tiny death i had today. she looked at the pics of this slutty ho with me and helped me grieve. first thing i noticed was that shes older! ha! i called the slutty fiance a cradlerobber when the jiller reminded me that i am one myself. damn that smart jiller! after a while, i had to stop staring and being upset. why should i be? ive got a man. a man who loves me. a man that i love. so who cares if some crush of mine is getting married to some ho. blah. just let it be.

so i did. for about an hour. actually, i got distracted by my bf. he im'ed me. and we talked. had our usual im bored at work whats going on tonight im convo. then he signed off and le join signed on. i had to tell her the god news. and oh man, we perused the pics again. thats when i noticed something. i saw a pic of god with a young boy. thought it was adorable that he was pictured playing with a lil kid who was (and this is the clincher) holding a yankees bat. then, then! i saw the caption, "my boys!". hmmm. is this chick a mama? a baby mama? shes older and with child? hes marrying an old chick with baggage! then another thought dawned on me, is this child his child? omg. has god been missing from cyberland bc hes been busy being a daddy?

this news just conjured up such weird feelings for me. why should i care so much about a guy who i barely know? i guess its bc its killed the fantasy that i thought was dead but was still alive in my head. maybe i felt the death of my silly hs fantasy part of me. whoa. thats deep.

AMAZING AXA

*true, i was waiting for all the photos of this trip (bc i still dont have my own camera!) to write this recap but honestly, i was also debating on whether or not to do it at all. this is the first time i am putting pics of my bf and his fam on this blog. the bf doesnt even know this blog exists although there have been some close encounters. ive actually met some readers (thanks to adam who has been spreading word about mama cass) but ive met them in front of the bf. thankfully hes got a.d.d. and his mind has a tendency to be anywhere but in the moment. i dont even put his real name here. but bri said this is my journal which is true. and journals are a place to keep memories. this trip is something i want to remember forever. so here is the recap with pics and all. i hope you enjoy :)*

ahhhh, anguilla. amazing! i could NOT wait to get to that island, especially since my man and his fam left days before me. yeah. the bf and i were apart for SIX days! the longest weve been apart since my cruise back in feb 2007. plus, the last time i saw him was the last time i toked. yup, i went 6 whole days in ny with no greens... and i didnt kill myself. ah, is this a sign of growing up, perhaps? so i woke up extra early to catch the nj transit train to newark airport. i actually enjoy traveling alone. its pretty easy. so i arrived in st maarten and couldnt wait to hop on the funtime ferry for the 20 min ride to anguilla. even though i waited over an hour, the boat ride was amazing. a part of me wished i had a camera to capture the beauty of the west indies but another part of me thought no picture can show how truly beautiful this place is. i thought ahhhh, this is heaven... and im prob starting to get color too! score!!! as we approached the dock at anguilla, my nostrils got an unexpected surprise - is that ganj i smell? (later i realized i could smell that throughout the island and its most pungent as you drive away from the villa. alas, no ganj entered my lungs during the ENTIRE trip. fo real!)

anyhoo, so i went through customs and ran out to meet the bf! we had one of those cheesy kisses where he picks me up. ahhh love. i was so anxious to see him and knew that he waited a long time (an hour and a half) at the dock for me. my man is known for being late and a lil slow but his dad told me as soon as he got off the phone with me, he hopped into the car and jetted. as his dad said, the phone was still warm when he left. thats my babe! the ongoing joke of the vacation was, "make like youre going to pick up cassie" whenever we had to get going somewhere. so we arrived at the villa around 3:30pm and omg, its so pimp. seriously. check out the tequila sunrise: the villa site. i spent the rest of the day just admiring the house, walking down to the beach by the house, and getting ready for dinner at roys.

this was the beginning of a week full of lobster, steak, and chicken dinners. i started the vacation with a nice big lobster dinner. hey, like i always say, go big or go home... and honey, i was not going back home. roy's was cool bc it was on the water (like most of the restaraunts we ate at during this trip) but it was ideal bc it was right by the airport. we were still waiting for the bfs bros gf to arrive. she had a hellacious day of traveling. flying from boston to puerto rico and then finally to anguilla. after dinner we found out her flight from pr eventually got cancelled and that she would be flying in the next morning. poor girl.

the next day was spent on one of the most beautiful beaches on earth, shoal bay. we crashed the resort ku and spent the day sunning and eating and meeting up with the regulars that the bf knows. oh, and i also found out my fun green bikini from american apparel is totally see through when wet. i was walking outta the water using my hands as a makeshift bra. im so attractive. anyhoo, i have no pics of this fun day bc i dont have a camera :( can i leave any more hints?! so the bros gf finally arrived and we got to show her around the villa. then it was time to get ready for another fun dinner.

we all went to this fun mexican place called picante. it seems as though the bfs dad knows and is friends with everyone on the island, especially the restaraunt owners. the owner and cook of this one (his name slips my mind) is so cool. he does shots of tequila with each table! and he still manages to cook amazing food for all.

after such a filling meal, my man and i just wanted to head back to the villa and pass out! but the whole fam went to the local bar first. then after the 'rents had a drink, we left with them to go back to the villa. seriously, sometimes i felt like my bf and i were such grandpas/mas. after dinner, all we wanted to do was go back and chill.

the next day was the first day with the full gang. we decided to check out a place the clan has never been to, a lil oasis called kokos. its just a lil bar on the beach that serves tasty bbq food. i got the ribs. so yum! plus, kokos had a great view of scilly cay. (more deets on scilly in a bit).

got some good color that day and even had a tasty pina colada too. i didnt drink too much on the trip bc alcohol and sun is just a nauseating combo for me. thankfully nausea did not come my way and instead i got some fun freckles out of that day. woo hoo! dinner that night was one of my faves on the trip. it was at a lovely place called straw hat owned by new yorkers! woo hoo.

the owner, peter, was really cool and told fun and crazy stories about the diners hes encountered over the years. good conversation and delicious food made this dinner one of my faves of the trip. really, one of the most memorable nights there.

the next day began with the bf and i going to one of the nicest resorts on the island, cuisinart to use our hanukah gift from his parents, a couples massage at the resorts spa. we went up to the terrace level to have side by side massages. relaxing! so relaxing that i even dozed off a lil towards the end. after the fantastic massage, we did a lil shopping at a cute store called irie life. after pickin up some cute tees, we went back to the villa.

the gang went out to lunch at palm grove (supposedly where brad and jen fought during their famous last vacation together) but the bf and i stayed behind bc he wasnt feeling well. i actually didnt mind bc i got to be all domestic (i made myself a tuna melt) in the gorgeous house. i played a game of really rich house in paradise. after a relaxing day, our night was filled by a fun dinner at mangos.

the restaurant had a fun singer walk around and serenade each table with his voice and his guitar. after singing two songs that our table requested, the bfs dad asked the guy for his business card. that man is always networking. one saying came to my mind, "the apple!" my bf is so much like his dad its kinda cute :) this day was awesome bc it was relaxation all the way. which is good bc the next day we were heading off the scilly cay!

scilly cay is a tiny island that just barely holds its main attraction, its restaurant. you can choose from or make a combo of lobster, crayfish, and chicken. plus, scilly cay is open only 3 days a week and is reservations only. needless to say, this is everyones fave spot. ill let the pics do the 'splainin.

me and my love catchin some rays. notice the border made of conch shells! so crazy yet so cool.

the fun couples chillin with the islands famous rum punches.

the whole gang waiting for our delicious lunches.

check out my lobster! YUM! lets just say i ate everything but the shell. de.lic.ious!

us and the 'rents chillin at the beach.

me and my love sunnin' in the water.

the annual driftwood pic.

we were so exhausted from our fun day at scilly cay that we had to cancel our dinner reservations for the night and just ordered in pizza. i think i got the most color that day and i read through an entire book! which book, you ask? the tenth circle by jodi picoult. that lady knows how to do f-ed up family dramas like no other. fun day, easy night. man, this vacay was rockin'!

this was our last full day on this beautiful island. my man and i took it easy in the mornin and then headed back to shoal bay for some fun lunch at uncle ernies.

my man in his fun "air boss johnson" bowling tee.

uncle ernie: rip.

my mans bro getting ready to enjoy uncle ernies famous hot dog lunch.

new years eve dinner was at another beautiful restaraunt on the beach, barrel stay. we had a delicious yet looooong dinner (5 courses served in 3 hours) but nonetheless had a great time.

me and my man, he looks a lil ti li.

a happier bf after some yummy dinner.

this was my first new years eve outside of new york and i really cant think of a better way to spend it. oh yeah, it was also my first new years eve with somebody to kiss at midnight. and we did. under the stars. sitting at the beach. i really couldntve written it any better. the best part is is that what im writing is true. it actually happened.

going back home was kinda sad bc who wants to leave paradise? but at the same time i was ready to go back to reality. of course, since we were big pimpin the entire vacation, might as well go out that way too. instead of heading back to st maarten on a boat like i did when i came here, we all boarded a tiny plane (it could only fit us and the pilot) for a 7 minute ride. im not scared of flying but when the pilot asked who were the lightest 2 people so they can sit in the back of the plane with the luggage and then proceeded to point at me and my bfs mom, i started to bug out a lil. obv, the plane ride was a-ok and we all made it back safely, but dont think i didnt have images of la bamba and lost flashing across my eyes before we took off. the flight to newark from st maarten was ok. i did kinda barf in my mouth a lil while waiting to board that flight bc its st maarten flying to newark. who was i surrounded by? jappy-ass families. who else lives in jersey and can afford vacations in st maarten?

special mention:
funny, ironic, coincidence.
before i left for anGUILLa, le join and ichford kept saying, "where are you going? anTIGUa?" and id walk away from them, very annoyed. well, our flight from st maarten to newark actually had to stop in anTIGUa to refuel. how nuts.

look great in 2008

ok. so its been a whole month since my last post. my 2 readers have actually bugged me about updating. a lot has happened since i last wrote but i wanted to have a solid topic before i started blabbing. so number 1 biggest thing that has happened since my last post (and no, it isnt my amazing trip to anguilla, which def comes in a closesecond and i will get to in a bit) is that dee got engaged!!! yay!!! we knew it was coming but it was still a fun surprise when it happened. and now, its wedding time all the time.

ive been appointed the maid of honor title and to be honest with you, i thought id be all nervous and stuff... it is a LOT of responsibility and it is DEE whos the bride, but im really embracing it without tons of excitement and even more ideas. plus, bri will officially be family which means we can take his side when they fight and not feel guilty about it. haha. but i know the wedding is just the start of a brand new life for dee and bree. hehe. i find it crazy exciting to watch this all happen especially to someone so close to me. its like watching a real life movie on growing up and officially becoming an adult. ah, enough with this deep crap, the wedding means i need to hit the gym, stat!

along with dees wedding (which i have a vital role in: hello! moh!) ive got two others to attend this year and possibly aka probably another one to add to that list (cough cough amie-jay cough cough ike-may cough cough) im probably most nervous about looking HOT for dees wedding. yeah, the wedding is supposed to be about the bride but pictures last forever and i do NOT want to look like a wildebeast in any of them. so dee got engaged right before i left for my amazing trip to anguilla but i decided to not worry about my weight until dee and bree picked a date for their wedding. without a goal date, its so much harder to motivate myself.

ah, my trip was amazing. truly honestly big pimpin the entire time. my bfs fam is so awesome. i couldnt thank them enough for inviting me on this amazing amazing trip. it really was the BEST vacation ive ever had (sorry jamie, spring break '06 stepped a notch down to #2 but a strong #2). im still waiting for some more pics (if i had my own camera, i wouldnt have to wait) to do a proper post so i dont want to divulge too much. just know that i came home tan, relaxed and happy. details will come in a later post.

so when i got back to ny, i felt like dieting was just surrounding me. went to a bday party for marla and i barely recognized her. homegirl lost some major poundage and she looks good. jiller has been working out like a madwoman and thats starting to show too. even at work, everyones all 'gotta watch my calorie intake'. argh, and now i think my jeans are fitting tighter than usual. is that just my mind... or my muffin top (is all that all that). then i got to thinking, is my mind in shallow hal mode. like its on auto-therapy. do i really look like a beast but my eyes are making me see someone whos not that fat? i used to have the reverse goggles before therapy: i didnt look so bad but my eyes made me see a huge amazonian monster. what do i believe?!

i do know im happy. yeah, my life isnt ideal but its close to it. my job is really pretty awesome. my relationship with my bf (and even his fam!) is pretty awesome. even my relationship with my fam is going a-ok. obv, my friends rock and i just realized ill be seeing a bunch tonight for the idol premiere at chez g. yeah, my finances can be a bit better. my living sitch isnt perfect but its livable for now. its fun being in a relationship and actually talking about a future, even if its hypothetical sometimes.

i thought this year may freak me out a lil. it is 10 years since hs. yeah bitches. if my class had any school spirit, i would expect a reunion this summer but im not holding my breath for the invite. honestly, i see and talk to the people i want to keep in touch with from hs. anyone else is unimportant to me. besides, reunions arent about 'oh i wonder how good so and so is doing' but its more 'oh i hope so and so got FAT.' i think i keep in touch with enough people though. i went to two weddings last year. two (or three) more this year for hs peeps. im very surprised and happy with myself that im not freaking out. i guess the holden caufield has worn off. im not that scared to "grow up" yet at the same time, im in no rush either. besides, with facebook, myspace, and friendster, you dont need a reunion. you just need mad online stalking skills... and ive got those :)

special mention:
brenda: help yourself, kelly. you did to dylan.
one of my 9-0 quotes on facebook