how can we be lovers... if we are JUST FRIENDS

harry burns: because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. he always wants to have sex with her.
sally albright: so, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
harry burns: no. you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
sally albright: what if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
harry burns: doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
- when harry met sally

so i realized something very disturbing this week, im normal. i so do NOT want to be normal. ive prided myself in being one of the emotionally detached girls but now know that im just as neurotic and psychotic as all the other normal girls who have to deal with immature commitment phobic boys everywhere. ugh. instead of bashing myself, lets reflect back on the "relationships" ive had in the past (the quotation marks are there for a reason girlies!).

short term lover - phj (pervy hairy jew)
the appeal: the phj and i met a few years back on a new years eve. nothing really happened between us until that following summer. we both just graduated from school and had no jobs. great things to have in common, right? we had a stronger bond that held us together though - i love tv and the man had tivo. the tivo wasnt all that made him attractive (although it helped lots!). i liked hanging out with him bc he made me feel like a sexy bitch and well, what girl doesnt want to feel that way.
fave moment: make out in the bathroom stall of capitale.
the moves that confused me: so the phj was in cali on valentines day and called me. called me again the day after and the day after that. he missed me. how sweet. of course when he eventually came back to new york to pack up his things for his big move, he didnt call, text, write, whathaveyou.
why it didnt work: it could have. he actually laid the cards out on the table for me and all i had to do was pick which hand i wanted, the dating hand or the friends with benefits hand. i chose the latter. i knew he was moving to california in a few short months and i just didnt want to invest my emotions in something i knew wasnt gonna last.
why i wouldnt have stayed anyway: no job = still lives with parents. or parent. or his mom. yeah, the walk of shame is bad enough but when you have to do it past his mothers bedroom, it doesnt get much worse. i once bailed out at 5am just to avoid the madre. a ho yes, but a smart ho i am.
current status: a-ok. i consider ourselves bi-coastal buddies.
contact: about twice a year. just enough.
make out ratio: 3-4 times out of 5. like i said, he makes me feel like a sexy bitch.

smoke n screw - wheelie
the appeal: he was the hot jock of my high school years. hot and hot. did i mention he was hot. he was in my english class our junior year, was on the football team, i was a cheerleader. he was even "dating" one of my close friends our senior year. did i also mention we never spoke a word to each other. yeah man. not even a hello. so you could imagine my surprise when i got a friendster message from him. the slut that i am, i gave him my number and we hung out that night. why the name wheelie? bc thats his mode of transportation... all the time. lets just say he aint a pedestrian(due to a tragic car accident in high school) and leave it at that. so he picked me up, drove down the street, and we smoked and made out. literally. and not much more. not anything more.
fave moment: the first kiss. the moments leading up to it were as awkward as they come but damn those lips! amazing.
the moves that confused me: not too many moves coming from this fella.<---that was evil! but nothing confused me about this. i knew exactly what this was.
why it didnt work: without many words being exchanged between us (just a lot of spit, hehe) its hard to maintain any kind of "relationship."
why i wouldnt have stayed anyway: no talk, no walk, no go.
current status: idle.
contact: 0 since june... and i aint holdin my breath either.
make out ratio: 3 out of 3. we didnt talk, what else were we gonna do?

tokin n jokin - the btj (big tall jew/jay)
the appeal: tall, jewish, jokes and tokes. if he didnt look like special ed (aka worst person ever) jay, id think he was sent from heaven just for me.
fave moment: the cab make out. what can i say, im a ho and i like it!
the moves that confused me: said he would take me to a baseball game and actually did! the madre actually knows who i am and i already met the whole fam (albeit it was only for a few minutes and a friend of his was also with us). then he says im an awesome FRIEND. man do i hate that damn f-word.
why it didnt work: unlike the hpj, this one picked the cards and they read friends with benefits. you know how i feel about this and if not, read the two posts below this one.
why i wouldnt have stayed anyway: he looks like special ed jay and well, if he doesnt want me now, he probably wont later. i may be a ho but im not a stupid ho.
current status: to be discussed. why do girls always have to play by the guys rules. no more i say! im gonna call the shots... or at least let him know what i want damnit!
contact: averages about 3 times a week but i have a sinking feeling that numbers gonna drop.
make out ratio: 3 out of 7. remember we're FRIENDS with benefits.

love is blind - the cgb (cute glasses boy)
the appeal: tall, wears glasses and is cute!
fave moment: hasnt happened yet bc we havent met each other.
the moves that confused me: same as above
why it didnt work: it just might. you never know.
why i wouldnt have stayed anyway: he isnt jewish. jk.
current status: to be determined. we've only exchanged a few short emails but will hopefully meet soon. yes, i gave him my number. and yes, im a crazy slut.
contact: 2-3 emails a week.
make out ratio: to be determined ;)

if things dont work out with the cgb then ill keep on keepin on. im not craving the security of a boyfriend. i think i just crave wanting to be someones special someone. i know im not special enough for the btj but i can still have fun with him until someone else finds me not just special, but kickass... bc i am!

special mention:
sharon: you gotta get 'em while theyre new.
about the boys on match

whore cramp

a lot has happened in the past few weeks since i last blogged about my life. you would think with a lot going on, this blog would be bursting with chocks full of entertaining content. im sorry but youre just gonna have to deal with this sparse update. my rapist wit isnt at its a game. its at like, at an r level, not completely at the bottom but not very close to the top. without further ado:

1. new job. yeah man. ive moved from my sweatshop desk on long island to a nifty cube in nyc. its been less than two weeks. im cherishing the training period right now... ok im really taking advantage of it... no appreciating the training period at its fullest. hey, this is the only time when im not expected to know what the hell im doing. its amazing. im trying to learn as much as i can. this new job is a big deal so im not gonna do anything to screw it up. it really is pretty sweet. the people are actually cool (and thats a lot coming from me considering i hate everyone) and the location is super sweet. starbucks IN the building, ranch1 down the block, jamba juice across the street, my bank an ave away plus ive got the e across the street and the 1 two blocks away. and i havent even gotten to the perks yet. yeah man. sah-weet!

2. new friend. new sex. so yeah. i decided to be a whore and sleep with the so called friend i wrote about earlier. so far so fun. hmmm, maybe f-words arent so bad. still not a huge fan of the "friend" title though. its almost kinda slightly degrading. like oh shes sleeping with him but theyre just friends. i dont know where this is going but im just gonna have fun (jill r said no rules!) with it and keep my options open. ive already opened the doorway for another potential "friend" or non-"friend" and am just waiting for him to walk through it (aka call/text).

3. ive got a new attitude. seriously, my writing may not be up to par but my personality is kickin. i was so nervous to the point where i was making myself slightly nauseous the sunday night before i started my new job. new people scare me. obviously ive discussed this fear with jill r and figured out its bc im scared of what theyre gonna think of me which leads me to just shut down and be a mute. boo. thats no fun. so when i started my first day of work, i was just myself. my dirty mouth just running. i actually felt/feel at ease which is not an easy task, especially at work. woo hoo. ive mastered being myself.<----read that three times fast and it sounds like "ive masterbated myself." maybe i have a dirty mind too. im kickass!

since my new city job, ive been spending a lot of time in the city aka crashing at jamies. gotta love the peach pit after dark/the gnessINN. great accomodations. besides the array of take out menus and endless supply of 9-0 reruns, this is the place where the best special mentions are created. ha!

special mention:
all quotes by the lovely jamie g.
"your eyes are gonna hurt from all this winking" - after a match.com winkfest
"fun is not fun" - discussing my plans with my new "friend"
"wing crash/er" - best wingers incident
"im as high as a kite again" - after one hit

the f-word

so match.com. i joined last month. im not the most active user of the site. actually, i was about to give up on it after only a few days. the guys who wrote me either didnt have a pic, were unattractive if they did have a pic, closer to my fathers age than my own, or just geographically undesirable. ugh! is it that hard to find a decent guy in nyc? ok fine. im not completely in nyc yet but im on my way. why waste time with an islander when im on my way outta the suburbs. anyway, even when i went "cruising" i was going, "loser, gross, grosser, ew, why am i on this again, possibly, probably not, does anyone have a gun to shoot me in the head with..." so during one of my rants to jamie she said i had the wrong attitude and actually signed on as me and started "winking" away.

we mustve winked at about a dozen guys. crazy. out of that dozen, one wrote back. yeah. one. im that hot. ill be honest with you, he wasnt numero uno in my book but he does good email, maybe as good as me so i gave him a shot. we hung out a few times. he fit my criteria: tall, jewy, tokes... and jokes around. i like to laugh. i need a guy with a sense of humor. anyway, i was feelin' him but wasnt fallin' for him. there wasnt that (as carrie bradshaw called it) zazazu. our convos flowed which is key bc i hate hate hate awkward silences. so one thing was for sure, we can talk. the question now was, can we move?

finally things got a little physical (dont worry, it was very pg-13 - im no ho!) and the man starts "the talk". you know what talk im talking about. if theres one thing i hate more than awkward silences its being asked for my opinions. my feelings on things. crappers. even jill r says i always tell her what other people think about my situations... what am i thinking? so now im half naked laying next to him and hes asking what im thinking about this sitch. seriously?! i would rather have been standing outside with a ski suit on (the nyc rising temps and humidity this week have been heat stroke inducing) than answer him. so he answered his own question with basically one of the worst answers ever, the damn f-word: friend. whatever happens, lets stay friends but lets be friends with benefits. if it turns into a relationship thats cool.

the thing is, i probably wouldve been ok with that set up if he hadnt brought it up first. all girls want to feel special. they want to be the one. even if the guys whos feeling it isnt her one, as long as shes his one, its ok. the friends with benefits basically rips away the specialness the girl feels. now shes just a ho. a chill ho who doesnt mind being a ho, but a ho nonetheless. so yeah, this guy aint my one, but i guess my feelings were hurt a little bc im not his one. whatever. im kickass. if im not the one for him, there are others that would gladly like to see if i am their one. i just hope their on match or will cross my path one of these days.

special mentions to come later